New Reasons to Hate Kristen Stewart? Thank You, World!

I can't decide whether to refer to Kristen Stewart as a 'ho' or a 'slut' so I'll just refer to her as a ho-slut.

It finally happened folks. It's everything I've hoped it would be. My house could be on fire and I'd still have a smile on my face because Kristen Stewart beloved skinny bitch of tweens everywhere has done the unspeakable. She put a penis in her mouth that was NOT Robert Pattinson's. I hope she's aware that hell hath no fury like a 12 year-old team Edward Twi-hard. And shit is about to hit some serious fan. She was already pretty seriously loathed by the 12-13 suburbanite delusional girl with brain problems (which is apparently a huge demographic) and also by the likes of me, people in their 20's with lives and responsibilities who still find time in our schedule to feel unbridled hate for her, the reasons of which we are still unsure of.
At this point I'm wondering why people let her outside or let her speak. She's very awkward and says things like 'being a celebrity is like being raped' and then cheats on the #1 masturbation fodder of tweens all over the country, I mean how much more can this girl fuck up? Not only is this a cheating fiasco, Rupert Sanders, her mistress is married with kids, oh and by the by he's about 20 years older than her. I guess it must be her irresistible pasty-ass skin, adorable mumbling, ridiculous fashion sense and overall standoffishness, not to mention those remarkably sexy A-cups. How could any man say 'no'. She also mentioned that her favorite movie of all time is American Beauty (1999) so cleeeeeeeeearly, she's got a good head on those broad shoulders.

The new happy couple; Kristen in an ill-fitting man's suit and married with kids director Rupert Sanders. I don't know about you, but I don't see this working out.  

Basically, bitch needs to close her legs to married men, as soothsayer and master of everything Real Housewife of Atlanta NeNe Leaks would say. Now, let's move on to the real trag-fest of this whole situation; the love-life of Robert Pattinson. I'm sure it couldn't have been too pleasant shoving his vampire dick into a dark and morose cave where bats live, but I have no doubt he'll recover pretty quickly, like there's any shortage of awkwardly adorable early 20-somethings with nipples that look like zits that would me more than willing to take K-Stew's place in Robert Pattinson's Crate and Barrell customized bed. If you are a 90 pound brunette with a general disdain for humanity, step right up and let's start a who's next to date Robert Pattinson sweepstakes. I've compiled a short list. Consider me the Patti Stanger of hipster couples. Sarah Hyland, she's perky and she's age-appropriate. She's also funny at times. Not too smart, but hey neither was your last girlfriend. Noomi Rapace, she's older, but she's also really cool (which I know is important to Robert Pattinson) and she's got an accent. I think Elizabeth Moss is available but she's nowhere near hot enough for you. How about date someone else British and go for Rose Byrne, that's always a safe bet. She has manners, grace, a beautiful rack and she's hotter than fuck. So I think that might be a perfect option for you.

The old happy couple, hot, annoying, and united in their not-caring about anything.

Stewart issued perhaps the least articulate apology I've ever heard that people actually called 'sincere' but to me it sounds like something you hand write in pink pen and put hearts and smiley-faces all over before you pass it on to your crush in middle school. It went like this -
 'This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.'
Kinda short no? I'm not buying it, and Rob if you're listening, don't buy it either. I think if anything, this is going to escalate ratings for the last installment of Breaking Dawn Part II (2012) because everyone (including myself) will be going to watch the unbridled sexual tension and mutual violent hatred the two principals will be feeling for each other and whether they are able to hide it well enough during their already awkward love scenes, maybe it will make them better and you know...sexy. 


Below Breaking Dawn Part II trailer. Who's getting pre-sale tickets? I am!

I'm With The Band - A Comprehensive List of The Sexiest Rock Stars Of All Time

Rock stars are rock stars. They're gorgeous, they're worshiped, they're iconic, they're golden gods. I don't care who you are, you were in love with a rock star once upon a time in your life, and you seriously considered quitting grad school to be a groupie, or you know, try to build a time-machine so you could go back to 1971 and throw yourself at Roger Taylor. Which never happened...yes it did. Now, I'm not talking about rock stars in the sense that they have to play rock. A rock star is someone who through their music, whatever it may be, their look, and their fuck-all attitude created a certain level of iconography not only musically but aesthetically. There are of course sins of omission on this list. For example, I'm a huge fan of Johnny Cash and Bryan Ferry but they are not on the list because I've never pictured fucking them. I'm basing this list on a few criteria - style, persona, iconography, and sex-appeal. If the shoe fits, have sex with it. Also, this is in order leading up to the sexiest, most magnificent rock star of all time...in my opinion of course, but I have a feeling it's a lot of other people's opinions as well. Here we go. 

#50 - Shannon Hoon of Blind Melon

#49 - Brian May of Queen and being extremely British

#48 - Shirley Manson of Garbage

#47 - Josh Todd of Buckcherry

#46 - Liz Phair

#45 - Sebastian Bach of Skid Row, all he's missing is some earrings and lipstick

#44 - Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane and drinking binges

#43 - Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles

#42 - Joe Perry of Aerosmith, where else?

#41 - Layne Staley of Alice in Chains

#40 - Roger Taylor of Queen

#39 - Dave Davies of The Kinks

#38 - Amy Lee of Evanescence

#37 - Shaun Cassidy, take that Justin Beiber

#36 - Jimi Hendrix of his giant penis

#35 - David Coverdale of White Snake

#34 - Johnny Rotten of The Sex Pistols

#33 - Dave Navarro of Jane's Addiction

#32 - Eagle-Eye Cherry

#31 - Art Garfunkel of Simon and Garfunkel and then solo projects

#30 - Regina Spektor

#29 - Scott Weiland of first Stone Temple Pilots then Velvet Revolver then being generally fucked up

#28 - Iggy Pop of the Stooges and fucking Iggy Pop

#27 - Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam and sensitive-guy rock

#26 - John Taylor of Duran Duran

#25 - Lenny Kravitz of being shirtless almost all the time

#24 - Janelle Monae

#23 - Kurt Cobain of The Spice Girls

#22 - Bob Marley of dreadlocks

#21 - Henry Rollins of Black Flag and general badassism

#20 - Ian Gillan of Deep Purple

#19 - Slash of Guns N Roses, Velvet Revolver, VH1 commentary shows, and top hats

#18 - Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac and later Stevie Nicks

#17 - Tina Turner of Ike and Tina Turner and then of telling Ike to go fuck himself and just being Tina Turner

#16 - Joan Baez

#15 - Ben Harper of being Mr. Laura Dern and then getting a good look at her face

#14 - George Harrison of being the least obnoxious and most musically talented Beatle

#13 - Prince

#12 - Marc Bolan of T. Rex

#11 - David Gilmour of Pink to the Floyd

#10 - Michelle Phillips of The Mamas and the Papas

#9 - Debbie Harry of Blondie awesomeness

#8 - Marvin Gaye of getting it on

#7 - Nico of The Velvet Underground & Nico

#6 - David Bowie of David Fucking Bowie

#5 - Freddie Mercury of Queen and being the best rock & roll frontman that ever lived

#4 - Elvis Presley of um...duh

#3 Roger Daltrey of The Who and wash port abs

#2 - Mick...Jagger

#1 - Had to see this one coming. Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin and being the original and only Golden God. Phew!