Are Brits Sexy? Quite...Indeed...Indubitably.

I'm a Benedictian...or would it be Cumberbacher? Either way, the flag looks like the picture above basically. I designed it myself. 

So I'm in the process of watching BBC America's 20 Sexiest Brits (2012) special because it's Saturday morning and I have nothing better to do with my time. Magic Mike (2012) opens at 11am so I still have a good half an hour to kill. My first thought was 'are there any of those?' my second thought was 'why do I give a shit?' but before I knew it there I was on the couch, diet coke for breakfast in hand watching this shit, and canceling my Magic Mike plans!

So the obvies were on the list, professional do-nothing fish-dog Pippa Middleton, British Jennifer Aniston - Emily Blunt, beef-cake supple-lips Tom Hardy...yada yada British yada. But then they wild-carded it and threw Benedict Cumberbatch at me. First of all, most British name since the Commonwealth was first formed, and he looks like an otter. I like them weird so I was all 'hell to the yes' during this segment, because he looks evil and like he might hurt me, but not really. So I get excited about that. 

Then I got pissed off. They put Fassbender on that list. First of all BBC, Fassbender was born in Germany to Irish parents and raised in Dublin. So I don't think any of that qualifies him to be a 'Brit', last time I checked the Republic of Ireland wasn't part of the Queen's Empire, so knock it off. I know you'd like to lay claim to him but, ain't gonna happen.

And just as I was about to get pissed at a TV show as if it were an ex-boyfriend they soothed me with announcing that Ben Whishaw made the list. Yes! thank you! I like them skinny, androgynous, quiet, and generally weird. So thank you, BBC America. That's a perfect man to me. 

Ben Whishaw. Mama like. 

But then they angered me again by putting someone as predictably bland as Colin Firth on the list like anyone gives two shits about him anymore. He was so bland even when he was younger, that I was not into it no matter how much British snobbishness and mumbling he brought to every role he ever played. Fail. 

My favorite part was the fact that they put Cadbury's flake on the list. I've lived in the UK and made the mistake of buying one or two of these things, probably when I was drunk. It basically looks like a cross between a stick of beef jerky and a mummified penis, and consists of rotten milk chocolate flakes condensed into the shape of a strange phallic stick that you could probably masturbate with. So the story behind this is that back in the day, the BBC had a sense of humor about itself made these tongue-in-cheek sensual commercials when a beautiful woman basically performs fellatio on the Cadbury's flake stick and then has some kind of chocolate orgasm. They are very similar to those Calvin Klien Obsession commercials over here in the states back in the 80's. Ironically, they would never make it past censors these days. 

Well kids, it looks like I have to sign off, they are about to talk about Andrew Garfield and I want to be fully present. Or at least I think it will be Andrew Garfield. The alluded to 'sexy men who've ever put on rubber suits' so better not be Chrisitan Bale. Cheerio! 

Below, Cadbury's Flake advert. 

Nora Ephron - In Memoriam

Still from the infamous Katz's Deli scene in When Harry Met Sally, if you haven't seen it then shame on you sir. (I say sir because every ma'am on this planet has most definitely watched that movie).

When I first started writing, short stories and mini-plays about god knows what...anything, there was one person who I wanted to be exactly like. That was Nora Ephron. The woman who wrote cinema's most famous deli scene, wrote two Academy Award nominated performances for Meryl Streep, and for three decades had the market cornered on romantic comedies and dramadies.

It breaks my heart to hear that she died today, because so much of my childhood was learning how to speak, feel, and be as a woman the way that Nora wrote them. She was eponymous of dry, witty humor, and plenty of heart, and wrote both sexes down as if she had them completely pegged, and she did. What really was appealing about her from my point of view was just how fearless she was. She was a screenwriter at a time when the movie business was very much a man's world, particularly behind the cameras. A woman screenwriter? who'd have thunk? Nora did, and she really did pave the way. And everyone knew to take her seriously after the landmark romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally (1989) came out and Nora ripped the sheets clean off the sex-relationship table and gave 'I'll have what she's having' a permanent place in perfect joke history.

To be such a trailblazer couldn't have been easy, but Nora remained at the top of her game all throughout her career, and we never lost sight of just how insightful, bright, and brilliant she was when it came to the challenges, however awkward and comic, that we all face in our stupid relationships.

Though many people didn't enjoy it, and by 'many people' I mean the pretentious critics at the Village Voice who turned up their noses at a lighthearted and sweet-as-fuck romantic comedy, but I thoroughly loved Julie and Julia (2009), Nora's last film. For a film basically sans plot, it was still interesting, unique, and fun to watch, which is a gift that only a rare few have, Nora being one of them. As a writer, she's up there with the likes of Anais Nin, Margaret Mitchell, and what the hell, Emily Dickinson. She was truly an original, and the screenwriting/directing world is lesser because of her loss. But we'll always have her legacy tainted in the films she wrote straight from her heart (as corny as that sounds), because she always remained true to herself, and always completely and utterly fearless, and for teaching me at a very young age that men are literally the dumbest species on earth, an invaluable lesson, I say thank you.

Below are some clips of the gifts of blissful moments Nora left in her films: 

Seductress Pick: Busy Phillips

Current house-on-fire on Cougar Town and BFF to boring beyond boring Michelle Williams, Busy Phillips has the world wrapped around her long claw-like fingers. When I was in my 'teen rebel' phase, I was meandering the rows of Hollywood Video and one VHS tape caught my eye. On the cover right next to Dominique Swain, with bright red volleyball socks and a white plait skirt, mouth half open as if to say 'what do you want from me bitch?' was Busy Phillips. It was her first 'major film role' which is laughable considering that film barely attained straight-to-video distribution. It was called The Smokers (2000) Busy was 21, I was 16, and I answered 'bitch I want to rent you'. And then she kind of disappeared off the radar until reappearing as Courtney Cox's slutballs hedonistic assistant on Cougar Town with a mouth on her the size of drunk trucker and the rack of two ripe cantaloupes from the farmer's market. 

But not to worry, constricting clothes and platform pumps do not hinder one's comic ability, and Busy slowly transitioned into what we in the soft sciences refer to as the Jenny McCarthy territory. Hot and funny at the same time? Only comes around once a millennium...well apparently not. You want to laugh at her jokes and then throw her on the couch and have your dirty way with her which she would totally be in to until she texts you that it's over and tweets your reaction to all of your followers. How can any man resist?

Soon enough, no matter how the characters on the show have nothing but disdain for her character Laurie, one by one, they are taken in by her wit, charm, and huge boobs. You could argue that she is not a lady, but I would counter that with saying that she actually is. She has respect for her elders, is always dressed impeccably, and will always make sure you get the orgasm that you wanted all along. Sounds pretty lady-like to me. The Downton Abbey sisters should be taking some notes. 

We are all glad the Busy back in the spotlight and acting pretty normal considering on her current show she does everything from sharking a car to beating a woman to a pulp with an umbrella. Busy, if you're listening, be my BFF. I don't have a drinking limit and only wear heels, and I love a guy with a cool tribal tattoo.

Another thing, gotta give props where props are due. We all know our girl Busy is no size 2, and we don't give a shit. She looks fabulous as a tall voluptuous, vixen and I can't get enough of her, especially her crazy horse teeth. I even love those.

Some clips below.

Boys to Men - The Anticipation of Magic Mike

Ok ladies, I hope you didn't make plans for next weekend because Channing Tatum strips and shows his lady parts for money in the nastiest film of the year...that is directed by Stephen Soderbergh. The only man that can make a film about a call girl starring a porn star completely unsexy and boring. Hence, casting Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, and Italian stallion slash hottest man on earth right now Joe Manganiello were all very good decisions in the effort to make us forget that this is a film by Stephen Soderbergh. Honestly, who would pay money to see that 'Stephen Soderbergh stripper movie'? It's like saying, hey you want to see that Ridley Scott soft-core porno?

But it promises to be everything that The Full Monty wasn't including showing graphic man parts, so I'm excited. It's not British, it's not very clever or funny, and the men in it have muscles so count me in. 

Also, I'm not too psyched about casting. Alex Pettyfer from Beastly fame is the protagonist, so off-hand you can tell it's going to be crappy on the acting. And I'm sorry but I never had a boner for Channing Tatum. I am not into guys that look like The Incredible Hulk and talk like Lurch from the Adam's Family, no matter how 'magical' his eyes are. And McConaughey's white trash stank is far too strong for me to even think of him in a sexual manner, even though most of his career is based on either one or the other of those. 

This is where we seperate the men from the boys. I'm guessing you can tell which is which. Nice faux-hawk and Blue Steel, Tatum.

But hey, it is a film about stripping, so it basically goes without saying that I'm going to be front row center on opening night...because I use my time wisely. But it's not expected to be anything near the campy genius of Showgirls, the satiric splendor of The Full Monty or even the catchy awfulness of Striptease. It seems more than anything to be mediocre, but brilliantly marketed to women of all ages, and by all ages I mean late 50's. 

I'm not expecting too many tweens sitting next to me (thank god) because it IS rated R for excessive nipples and I just don't think parents would let their 13-year-old cheerleader squad captain out to see it no matter how much she loves The Vow (2012). And most of them are too young to know that McConaughey is just playing the same character he's always played in every film because Dazed and Confused (1993) came out before they were born. But I think I'm going to have the hardest part dealing with Olivia Munn, because that's usually the plot of my every day life - I struggle with her existence, and it's really frustrating. But I'll deal. Can't run a filth blog and not go see Magic Mike, I mean really. 

Now, if this film doesn't deliver in the penis category I'm going to have a conniption fit, because I'm placing bets already as to whose got the gurthiest weiner...I've got 35$ on McConaughey, because we all know the man with the gurthiest body build, has the smallest one. Anyone want to contest this? I mean I'm sure there will be a lot of pant-stuffing, but if there's not serious full frontal (and I don't see how there can't be, Soderbergh has a film actually titled Full Frontal) then, I'm just saying, there will be blood. That's why I'm going by myself. I would hate having to explain to my friend's parents that I murdered them because of lack of money shot. 

Here's the trailer: 

Since It's My Birthday Tomorrow, I Present To You - Hot Stars Eating Cake

Steve McQueen eating badass cake. Shirtless.

Liz and Dick split birthday cake, in all fairness, Dick could have told her to start laying off the cake at this point. Probably did.

Debbie Reynolds very much posing with cake rather than eating it.

Vivien Leigh and Robert Taylor having British cake.

Marlon Brando having a little too much fun with cake. Also, Karl Malden being a total perv.

Paul Newman having an ice cream sandwich. He's too cool for cake.

Cary Grant and Jean Arthur in cake publicity still.

Marilyn Monroe eating cake emphatically to the delight of fat soldiers.

Joan Crawford in ridiculous outfit about to eat kitchy cake.

Finally, a Film About Vibrators

Still from Hysteria (2011) It opened Toronto last year. 

This is not hyperbolic at all, in essence, the entire film Hysteria (2011) is about the greatest scientific advancement since penicillin. Yes ladies, before the little blue pill, there were doctors out there who cared about OUR orgasms, and in the late 1880's they designed something that would eventually become the amazingly miraculous thing it is today. 

The title refers to a diagnosis known as 'female hysteria' which since then has been eradicated and we just call it 'horny' these days. Pleasing the missus wasn't exactly priority number 1 for the average man in 1880, with a handle-bar mustache, who was too busy polishing his monocle, dusting his snuff box collection, and oiling up his penny-farthing bicycle. So a handful of genius doctors to whom we as women owe a tremendous amount to, along with whomever invented high heels and the flat-iron, invented a new device to help women 'handle' their hysteria better. And the world changed forever.

a prototype...thank god.

No longer did we have to deal with living, breathing, men who talk back, smell, and generally don't know what they're doing down there flopping on top of us. Now we could lock the doors, close the windows, turn on some Enya and go nuts, all we needed was a couple of double AA batteries. 

But be aware, obviously the first prototypes if this miraculous invention was a far cry from the modern rabbit. It was actually quite frightening, resembling something used to torture people during the inquisition when put to 'the question'. Before a vibrating device was implanted into the thing, they served the same purpose as the common dildo. They were made of wood (ouch, think of all of the splinters), stone (ouch, think of the cold) and other unspeakable materials you wouldn't want to put anywhere near your sensitive lady parts, but science came a long way, and eventually doctors had realized that a very effective way of 'curing' the 'hysteria' was to stimulate the body with a strong vibration, and guess what. They were right.

It sure is.

This film starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and Hugh Dancy explores that unique period in our history when were just fine with giving women some more sexual freedom. Of course it would be a good 80 years more before the pill even came out, but still just imagine how different the world would be without the vibrator. It's such a simple concept, but I see it as a post-apocalytpic type of scenario when women have banned together to destroy all men due to never-ending anger and frustration that accumulated through years of gender inequality. Because we all have vibrators now, and yes guy, even your girlfriend has one. Every single woman on this earth has a vibrator, and we name them too. Mine's called Cecil. He's British. This is a means to distract us and lull us into a state of bliss so that we don't need to focus on the fact that we'll always be #2. 

I'm very excited to see it. Here's the trailer - 

Decleration of Principles

 I realized I have yet to write one of these, and I guess it should be the first thing I should have lead-in with when I started this blog. Considering how big of an Orson Welles fan I am, I'm going to call this a Declaration of Principles even though it's more of a statement on the person I am and the kind of work that I do so that one doesn't see my posts as coming from an invisible anonymous source. 

Like anyone who is brave enough to put their thoughts out into the interwebs (or obnoxious enough) I am privy to a lot of flack, and sometimes it comes from the most surprising sources, like my constantly judgmental mother who cannot fathom why I use what she refers to as 'incomparable writing talents and creativity' to blog about penis length, sex-scenes, and man gravy. Well, I'll tell you, it's more than just the ever-present two words that bind together all of mind kind and society as we know it which is 'sex sells', but also it's what I enjoy doing, and it's what makes me feel relevant as a writer, which is something I almost never get to do, and unfortunately something that very few of us will ever get to do. Blogging is a way of writing and not worrying about a publisher buying it, or an editor destroying it. It's free, and it's easy, and it gives me that thing that I was born to crave - attention.

I might not be at a Jezebel level yet, but I have a pretty decent reader count, a good group of followers, and circulation is growing. I've been asked many times why I want to paint a picture of myself in such a way; a person who has constant dirty thoughts on her mind, says 'fuck' way too much, and publicly addresses the fact that she's most of the time completely perverted. Why can't I be nice, civil, charming, and what you can refer to as 'a lady'. The answer is simple. Because I'm not. I enjoy writing for Filth Screen, and sometimes it's the only thing I have to enjoy. When I can be completely free from censorship, hypocrisy, and cantankerous behavior is when I feel the most free. And since I'm not anywhere near writing my great American novel, I'll stick to this for now, thank you very much. And I'll never be ashamed of it.

I have never been a private person, and enjoy more than anything sharing all of my thoughts, as random and asinine as they may be with everyone as often as I am able to. It gives me pleasure, and I think that's the whole point. If you look at someone like Jean Genet who's in my opinion one of the greatest writers ever to wander aimlessly across this stupid earth, and used his snark, sarcasm, and wit to point out everything he saw ridiculous with it, and do it in a manner that was purely unapologetic, you have to admire that. And if I'm anywhere near that ever in my trajectory, I'll consider myself a success. What else can I say? Haters gonna hate. 

Who's Hotter? Garfield or Fassbender?

You can chuck this up to comparing apples to oranges considering how different the two really are, but I honestly don't care. My mind has been going wild since I went to see Prometheus and they showed a new cut of The Amazing Spiderman trailer in 3D. And yes, I believe that if I really want it, I will end up with on of them one day, the question is who? 

It was inevitable that Fassy and Garfy would eventually be compared to each other considering they are both the starring in two of the biggest 3D films of the year. That's what I'm calling them by the way. Now, let's look at the disparities and see if we can figure things out. 

Garfy is British, mild-mannered, slightly dorky, and Jewish. Fassy is as aryan looking as they come, German-Irish, dominant, and somewhat aggressive. Both are insanely charming and attractive in their own unique ways, and now that they put Garfy in a skin tight rubber suit, I'm starting to loose my mind a little bit. 

From doing gritty independent dramas like Hunger (2008) and Fish Tank (2009), Fassy has blossomed into box office gold with films like X-Men: First Class (2011) and Prometheus (2012) but I don't necessarily think he's the wet dream of all screaming young girls in the theater. Garfy, on the other hand is androgynous and harmless looking enough for teenagers with budding sexualities to have a party in their lady parts. 

Fassy does amazingly hot sex scenes, just watch Shame (2011), that's all you have to do. You'll have your porn fix for the year. Garfy, on the other hand, has not yet done a sex scene quite as graphic, but then again no one has, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have the potential. I foresee plenty of weird graphic sweaty nipply sex scenes in his future. All  has to do is ask Cronenberg. 

This leads me to believe that Garfy is actually better at sex than Fassy, he seems like he would be more giving and less into himself during which is a vibe I tend to get while watching Fassy bump and grind with whomever. (Why not me, god?)

Fassy as David the robot, who is engineered to be the resembling the perfect human specimen. Sounds about accurate. 

But here's the thing, Garfy has that nerd appeal thing that is hotter than hot right now. He goes from playing Eduardo Saverin to the king of all nerds, Peter Parker. So he's the kind of guy you want to deflower. Slowly take off those thick-rimmed glasses, frazzle that hair a little bit and throw him on the bed after ripping his expensive American Eagle faded salmon colored polo shirt right off his nubile body. Ok, that's all going into my cheesy romance novel. Back on track, this also means he's the guy you want to bring to mom. I mean try explaining the plot of Shame to her and watch her have a mild cardiac infarction right before your very eyes when it's followed with 'oh and by the way, we're dating'.

Now, who's got the hotter accent? Since both of them are forced to adapt an American accent for many of their roles, it's really hard to tell, but Fassy's is very strange its a hybrid of Irish, British and German, and he talks very fast when he's off-script. The only time I think I've ever seen Garfy speak in his normal voice is when he made a cameo on SNL when Emma Stone was hosting for the second time.  and I'm going to have to give the edge to him on that one. 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Garfy will soon catch up to Fassy in the hot sex-scene category. 

I'm also going to go ahead and give him best eyes, and best mouth. Disagree all you want, but I like supple full lips. I think we all do. And because I like harmless, nice, guys, which I of course don't know for sure if that's what Garfy's like, I'm goingt to have to give my whole vote to Garfy and really start working on that, first thing's first - figure out where he lives, second item on the agenda, night-vision goggles. But that does not mean that when i'm in the mood I'm not going to go to my instant queue and scroll down to Fish Tank and watch it because the sex in that film (only two scenes) is hotter than any porn I've seen of late. 

Got you guys some trailers. Put on 3D glasses now. 

My Hopes and Expectations for Prometheus

What is a Ridley Scott sci-fi flick without a skinny hot chick in her underpants running around all sweaty and frantic?

In a few short hours, I am going to have the IMAX 3-D experience of my life! Take that Avatar, Titanic, and James Cameron in general. I'm off to see Prometheus this Saturday, the Alien prequel that Ridley Scott had in his head for 35 years and finally decided to direct after Noomi Rapace became available. And we all have unanswered questions. 

1. What is the meaning of life?

2. Did Aliens actually plant our DNA here?

3. Who is going to be eventually running around in those tiny tight white undies a la Ripley crying and screaming for half of the film? (I'm being cheeky we all know that's already in the film, and we know who it will be too)

Everyone has beyond extreme expectations for this film and not without good reason, the trailer is just ambiguous and frightening enough to stir up all kinds of repository hypothesizing and wishful thinking. And considering the cast is how do I put this maturely...hotter than shit on fire, we're also all wondering who will be hooking up with who on the spaceship Prometheus until the mutated aliens eat their flesh and blow up their ship...I'm guessing.

Here's what I am predicting/hoping occurs on this magical beautiful day when I'm sequestered in a freezing theater surrounded by overly excited teenagers and sci-fi geeks.

-Idris Ilba's character and Charlize Theron's character get it on. 

-Guy Pearce's character and Charlize Theron's character get it on. 

-Everyone hits on Michael Fassbender's character because they don't realize he's a robot. 

-Noomi Rapace's character is forced to be in a state of undress covered in weird alien goop for a lot of the time. 

-There's some kind of sex in a pod.

-Oh and we have our minds properly blown by an appropriate overload of awesome all in spectacular 3-D. That too, is important. 

But we can't deny that if not sex, the implication of which is important to the most profoundly philosophical and existentially themes science fiction themes, even if only explored through the birth death ashes-to-ashes zygote to corpse themes as it usually is. But Ridley is a gentleman that loves to make gross allusions to the vagina by filling the mise-en-scene with grotesque slimey creatures that more often than not resemble a lady's nether-regions. Let's hope this film abstains from such metaphors and keeps the sex nice and normal. But with Ridley Scott, you never know. And that's part of the intrigue. 

Awesomely bleak and cryptic trailer.

And here's a really interesting article while you're at it -

Why Academics Love Alien and Its Sequels - Slate Magazine 

Make Way for The Gossip Queen

If you know me, you know I love musicals. I grew up watching Singin' in the Rain, Oliver! The Band Wagon, West Side Story, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, South Pacific, Meet Me in St. Louis, basically everything Judy Garland/Barbara Streisand ever sung, everything Bob Fosse ever choreographed, and everything Andrew Lloyd Webber ever put on music sheets. If you have to ask your self how come every man I know is gay? it's because you love musicals as much as I do, and yes all of my male friends are gay.

This is why I'm thrilled to have someone I actually know personally undertake such mammoth task as writing and directing a musical. That friend is a wise-cracking, sassy, bubbly, and lovely French Canadian named Dominique Lefebvre, who's name we really will be seeing up in lights on the Great White Way. I have no doubt about that. An extremely gifted lyricist and budding filmmaker, Snickers (as I like to call her) has already made her mark by writing the wildly hilarious and beautifully put together short called Brand New Day (2010) a musical about Herpes. You heard me right.

Below are a couple of stills from Brand New Day (2010)  (directed by Mark Raso)

She has much respect for her musical predecessors and gives due props to those trailblazers, which you can see in the way she utilizes what she's learned in her own work. Her new musical short The Gossip Queen (2012) is going to be nothing short of amazing, and I'm not just saying this because we're friends. She has the potential to take comedy filth and ironic humor and marry it with the glitz and bravado of a perfectly crafted musical performance very beautifully and it appears, seamlessly.
I'm so excited about the identity as a filmmaker that she is cultivating for herself, and think she'll fall neatly into place with the rest of the musical greats who aren't afraid of a little dirt, and a little scandal because they'll just turn it into something endlessly fabulous.
Let me give you some more information on the film. The Gossip Queen tells the story of a high school...you guessed it...gossip queen who finally ends up getting her comeuppance for the choices that she's made. Sounds rather dark doesn't it? But not to someone like Mrs. Lefebvre, who can turn even the most awkward and unpleasant moments of life, from catching Herpes to being ostracized by the only people that matter when you're in High School - other people in High School, into brilliant parody, with music. So prep your jazz hands, dust off that top hat, drink a bottle of Chardonnay, and please make a donation whether it be big or small to help her reach her budget goal and make The Gossip Queen a reality. You won't be sorry!

Click below to contribute. Every little bit helps!

The Gossip Queen

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Spotlight on: Clueless

'Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.'

 When those of us on the tail-end of Gen X, or birth of Gen Y were just awkward 10-year-olds with braces, bad hair, and chubby fingers, there was a film that defined everything about growing up in the 90's, and even if we were far too young for a lot of their inside jokes we relished in it, and remember it verbatim to this day.

Penned as a contemporary adaptation of the Jane Austen classic 'Emma' (1815) it told the story of a totally loaded blondie from Beverly Hills named Cher played impeccably by Alicia Silverstone who tries to improve on the shallowness and general misdirection of her peers through the cutest catchphrases of the 90's.
Sure you have your 'as ifs' and your 'whatevers' but my personal favorite is 'He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?' which is exactly what I say to a friend every time I'm trying to convince her that her boyfriend is gay.
But let's talk about the star of the film for one second, blonde, Lolita-esque, curvy, ditsy, and cute as a button Jew Alicia who could not have been more perfectly cast. She was total jailbait but in fact had based much of her career prior to Clueless (1995) on that very shtick. She was the Frodo Baggins in the trilogy of early 90's Aerosmith videos, and by the time she hit the feature screen she was only 16, while her counterpart Stacey Dash (Dionne) was like 30 playing a 16 year old.
As a girl, I just remember wanting nothing more than to be exactly like Cher when I grew up from the soft flowy hair which she adjusts every two seconds, to the designer wardrobe (particularly that infamous yellow outfit she wears in the beginning of the film) I think I even begged on my knees for my parents to buy me one of those windowless white Jeeps that were so popular back then, of course if you hit a speed bump you'd be doing somersaults against the pavement until the car compressed into the size of a foil ball like an accordion. To perpetuate the Lolita aesthetic, she also had those ridiculous knee high socks, remember those? If you played Varsity Volleyball like me you did, because that was part of the uniform. Together with a brightly colored plait skirt and a tight baby-tee, we were all sold.

I'm still waiting for someone to bring back the oversized headband-minidress-thigh high socks look. A girl can dream.

Another Lolita-like quality of the film is the whole incest undertone. I don't know if I'm the only one, but I was and still am pretty bothered by the fact that she ends up with her step-brother (played by Paul Rudd) at the end of it all, I know they are not related by blood and step-sibling romances were a huge trend in the 90's (Cruel Intentions (1999) par example) I still found it rather icky.
But all that aside, we cannot deny that Clueless was a defining moment in 90's culture along with Vanilla Ice, Woodstock '99, and the OJ Bronco chase. Girls my age took pretty much all of their cues from this delightful little film, impeccably written and directed by New York intellectual Amy Heckerling. Aesthetically speaking, no other film better captured what it was like to grow up in the 90's, and it's just too bad that the millennial's don't have something quite like Clueless to point to and say 'this was me, I lived this'. Oh and also, RIP Brittany Murphy...I guess. I'm outty.

Check out below for hilarious commentary.

Guess What Everybody? Hobbits are Sexy Again!

Believe it or not, I actually do have the hobbit outfit with the little green vest and three-quarter pants that I make potential suitors wear. That's the first test. And no I haven't invested in those feet yet. I still think they're gross.

So after the initial self-loathing episodes we all had after the first three Lord of the Rings films came out, and even though we 'claimed' we were all in love with Viggo, we were totally fantasizing about getting hot and heavy with those Scottish hobbits. We couldn't get enough of their adorable earthiness, incorrigible shenanigans, and slightly gay love for each other.

We all had a favorite, mine particularly was Pippin, just because of the accent and he looked like he was more grown up than the rest of them, which he was, I believe he was the only actor (Billy Boyd) in his 30's. Then there was Charlie--I mean Merry whom we have all somehow magically embraced as former drug addled rockstar/mystery island martyr Charlie Pace on the TV Juggernaut Lost (2005-2011). Samwise we'll always remember as being forever chubby and the one who talks with a lisp. And Elijah Wood will always be North to me. He's doing alright for himself, has a hot girlfriend, a steady TV gig, still can't grow a beard though. 

But the now svelt Peter Jackson has one more trick up his sleeve, and it's coming in the form of an epic prequel to his earth-shattering trilogy, based on the very first JRR Tolkein novel that started the whole thing, in hindsight, he kind of should have done it all in order, not done three in order then backtracked, but whatever I don't care, because professional British nice-guy Martin Freeman stars as Bilbo Baggins, and honestly, I've never wanted to bone a hobbit quite so much in my life. If you watch Sherlock (2010 - present) which I do, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. He's that nice awkward rubber-faced stuttering milquetoast reincarnation of Leslie Howard that you just want to bring home to mom, but then you rethink it because mom would probably get all up in that too.
And he's adorably funny in that British way, that makes all of us go 'aww, he can't string a sentence together because he's nervous around girls how precious'. On the other hand, he's a very funny individual,  which is redundant considering he's actually a professional comic. But either way, he's perfect for the role. And though the original Bilbo (Ian Holm) really did stand no taller than like 5'1, he was pretty good looking back in his day. I'm glad they re-invisioned him as a Martin Freeman role. I can finally re-open that secret file in my fantasy drawer which is labeled 'Hobbits' and add a new chapter.

Below is the trailer.