Saturday, May 28, 2016

Who are your long lost BFF's on The People's Couch?

Bravo in all of it's infinite wisdom has realized that its own roster of shows is far too ridiculous, as well as most of the crap that's out there let's just be real. So to cushion the blow that you get from every cliffhanger on Empire or every hair pulling fight on the Real Housewives, it has provided you with the snarkiest TV audience groups that can watch all of it with you, and say out loud what we're all feeling. It's difficult for me to convince my regular three dimensional friends to watch Southern Charm with me...ironically, even if I throw in a drinking game and a quesadilla. I guess my friends just hate fun. I didn't mean that, I love you all, but can we not hike like one day of the weekend? I like to spend my Saturday's horizontal shame-eating slices of Havarti cheese, and ragging on what The Bachelorette is my bathrobe. So to Bravo, thank you for manufacturing people that feel the same, and getting so damn meta about your damn self. If you've watched the show, you already have a favorite couch group, but I'll provide you with them and some choice quotes. I love them all, don't ask me to choose. 

L to R: Rashawn, Princella, and Lamont. They are hilarious. It's Princella that usually has the over the top reaction, and Lamont always just side-eyes her. He's the best at throwing wife shade. 
Amanda and Kenya. Best friends, they finish each others sentences and always are en pointe with heavy criticism. Out of everyone they are the least sarcastic ...they didn't even have much to say during the Eurovision Awards...I mean urly? 
Teddy, Ayn and Sue...BFF's. Like literally. You would think they are very proper and prim, but you would not believe what comes out of their mouths. Where did you learn to speak that way young lady?
Blake, Scott, and Emerson. These three friends reminds me basically of my 20's. So. Much. Shade. But in the world's snarkiest way. When Whitney Sudler-Smith, resident douche canoe on Southern Charm called Craig a 'cocksucker' dear Emerson (sincerely confused) quipped: 'Since when was that a bad thing?' I heart them forever.
The Resnicks. The family closest to my heart. Three sisters (no their not Haim) and their dad Joe. The poor man has to deal with so much millenial angst and screaming at the top of their lungs every time any one on Vanderpump Rules makes out...which is quite often. 
Julie and Brandy...and their three adorable chihuahuas. They have to be my personal favorite, props to them for saying what I was about to say EVERY DAMN TIME. After watching the limo gimmicks on the new Bachelorette Brandy had no issue with saying that's why the show is great, because it's all sociopaths. You go girl. 
Sisters Cathy and Destiny are both certified to make citizens arrest. No idea why that's important but they are the queens of overreactions. And it's awesome. 

Below, some clips: 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I Reject This Rose

Jojo Fletcher, not good enough for the last bachelor, but good enough to fight off 25 douches.
Alright cats and dogs...when I'm feeling a little down slash bored, I'll pop a Xanax and watch The Bachelorette. I have no problem admitting that. And this season, although it's only been the first episode in, is none stop bananas. It's so unintentionally camp it might actually be genius. It's like Valley of the Dolls without the fun stuff: pills, boobies, and musical numbers. Although there's a lot of boozing it up. I immediately loved how all of the guys in the house started drinking like famished water buffalos because they'd never seen a girl as beautiful as Jojo Fletcher...the Bachelorette. She got dumped by the last bachelor ergo she's the new bachelorette. But seriously fellas? The most beautiful woman ever? I mean she's fine, but she's not Charlize Theron. She's your standard basic bitch with a really annoying giggle, sparkly dresses, and your average passé balayage. 
Someone get this girl a water hose. 
But the guys vying for her eternal love (because that is something that definitely exists in the reality TV universe) are perhaps the most hilarious bag of strays the producers could find. First, they fling the athletes at her, and by athletes I mean guys who failed to make it to the pros because of a 'troubled past', like that trope isn't getting tired. Then the about 10 or so 'real estate developers'. And then, my favorite part; the freaks. There's a guy dressed as Santa (awesome), A half Chinese half Scottish guy who came in a kilt, which I think is hot considering I spent a year in Scotland, but he immediately gets shade from everyone in the tapered Men's Warehouse suits. My favorite is the 'professional Canadian'. I shit you not, under his name, where your occupation goes the producers chose to write 'Canadian'. Because those are so goddamn rare in the continental United States. It's like a white tiger. The limo gimmicks are the best, I DVR those. This time they were pretty boring. I think one guy threw an internet meme at her that fell flat on its face, and another 'bro' made her drink wine from the bottle...classy.
Usually there's like one or so hot mess the first night that immediately gets eliminated, I mean this isn't Rock of Love: Bus, but it seemed like that first night they were all knocking them back. It was kind of like watching my worst nightmare in HD. You know that one guy at the bar, who's so drunk and full of himself he sounds like Matthew McConaughey with a speech impediment and starts to mansplain your life to you even though he just met you? Yeah it was like 25 clones of THAT GUY, poor Jojo. 
Ok now sit on the plexiglass, and try to look as pretentious as possible. Yes, creepy relentless smile, good...also we love that you're into sparkly Taylor Swift dresses from 6 years ago.
Alas, I don't know what she's thinking, based on how she talks I imagine it's just like butterflies and unicorns in her cabeza, so she kept the drunkies, the mansplainers, and the too-boring-to-be-called-anything-but-douche-lords. Why am I throwing so much shade? For all of the ironic fun I get from watching garbage and texting my friends about how garbage the garbage is, this is ultimately what's wrong with the world. It was a fun little reality gimmick, but now it's going on it's like 20th or so season? I mean there's a guy on the show who's 'job' is 'professional Bachelor superfan', I don't know how he's going back to his family without a disguise after this. Yeah, it's fun to watch, just like eating whipped cream with a spoon sounds like a good idea; it's a nice substitute for feeling your feelings. But, I'd rather take a healthy dose of a Bravo show that doesn't take itself so goddamn seriously and makes people believe they'll actually live happily ever after because of the show, because magic exists. At least with the Real Housewives, I can laugh with them and enjoy myself. This is perhaps the ultimate waste of time. It's basically the Taco Bell of reality TV. It looks fine on the outside but for the love of god, don't think too hard about what's inside.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Tig Notaro. The Funniest Comedienne You've Never Heard Of.

Tig Notaro at Bumbershoot
So around 6:00am, when I usually leave for the day, to wake up, I've got coffee in hand, an ambivalent attitude towards waking life, and my Pandora shuffle on. Not proud of this, but a lot of my channels are stand up comedy-centric. Patton Oswalt, Kumail Nanjiani, Iliza Shlesinger etc. On one such occasion, someone came on my shuttle who's voice, delivery and punchlines seemed totally unique to me, even though at that point I'd heard it all. 
I looked down at my shuffle and it told me it was playing a segment from Tig Notaro's special, called 'Taylor Dane'. And let me tell you I almost doubled over laughing. Her routine was unlike anything I had heard before. I know a lot of writers, a lot of comics, and they all govern their routines by the idea that there is a long build up to a punch line. The greater the punch line, the more elaborate the build up. Tig seemed to speak just as if she was having a conversation, in a very recognizable, 'so what' delivery style, as if she was having a personal conversation with you, and not trolling for laughs. My father always used to say that it was the person with nothing to say that projected the loudest, and when the person who actually knew what they were talking about started to speak, they always did it softly and slowly, so that everyone brought their own vigor down so they could hear the words. Such is the case with Tig Notaro. 
Tig's album (Good One) now available on iTunes and Spotify
I didn't know anything about her at the time, so I did my wiki research, and turns out this woman, in her early 40's had been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. I can't remember how much time she was given, but it wasn't a lot. She had an act to do at Largo in Los Angeles, and instead of canceling, being the bold brash force that she was decided to go out there and just talk about it. In the best and most humorous way you can do. It's perhaps the ballsiest thing I've heard a performer do. 'Good evening, hello. I have cancer, how are ya?' the set starts. Many of her comic friends were in the audience, Sarah Silverman, Zach Galifianakis among them, and even they couldn't believe their ears. Her performance that night was instantly considered legendary and overnight this fringe comedienne had become a sensation. She was interviewed by everyone and their mother, and shone a light on the absolute hell that it is to try to be funny in the face of perhaps the most devastating thing that can happen to someone. 
Tig and her wife Stephanie.
Within some time, she had a double mastectomy and removed all traces of the cancer that was ravaging her body. She also got married to a lovely women who played her love interest in In a World... 
Netflix (bless them) has recently started to stream a documentary about her simply guessed it; Tig. In it, she chronicles everything that I just told you about, compounded with the sorrow of losing her mother and trying to conceive one with her wife although taking hormones was in her words 'like throwing a match on the fire' of the dormant cancer that had ravaged her body for years. 
Although she's not on many people's radar, every comic (in particular Louis CK) have nothing but the utmost admiration and respect for Tig, and aside everything that she's been through and is still going through, she is still one of the funniest comics that's out there. Not just women comics. I immediately recognized it, and I hope you will to. Gawd, I never get this sincere or mushy about a topic, and I'd like to lighten the mood. So watch some of the clips below. FWI the Conan O'Brien bit was NOT staged. And check out the aforementioned film on Netflix. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

The Teflon Don (ald Trump)

Don't point that phallic thing at me, sir. 
For you millennials out there, the title harkens to 'The Teflon Don' which was mob boss of the Gambino crime family John Gotti's nickname. Get it? Because nothing would stick to him. It seems that way with the Republican heir apparent these days don't it? Even the New York Times Article about how Trump treats women, like we needed any proof, seems to be doing nothing to deflect the bold trajectory of this all-consuming comet headed towards the earth with one goal; to destroy it. 
I promised myself from the get-go that I would not get myself involved on Social Media, or otherwise regarding this particular circus of an election. I watch the debate, read the twitter feeds, think 'huh that's funny' and go to bed. For someone loaded with very important opinions (eye roll emoji) it was hard, probably because I like most people did not take any of it seriously. Circus side show, oh look it's the clown with chainsaws for tits (Trump) how amusing...ok bedtime. 
And now, I don't particularly feel any differently. I haven't hash-tagged anything with 'I'm with her' but I'll just let you know right now that I'm Hillary all the way to the bitter end. Sorry Bernie bleeding hearts. But at this point, I've changed sides all together, I'm not voting in this mockery of American democracy. I mean we might as well be in the Soviet Union as far as I'm concerned, where we have only one candidate although we do have the vote, and everyone gets fucked and not in the good way. 
I don't need to read you Trump's wrap sheet, you probably already know it; misogynist, neophyte, xenophobe, homophobe, racist...sounds like the line up for Politically Incorrect.  Alas, it's one person. 

Donald Trump vs. Megyn Kelly, who wins? Who cares, we win. 
But you know what? At least it's not boring. He speaks in sound bites, and everything he says is so ridiculous we can't help but pay attention. In this country we prefer the most abhorrent person to a boring person. Look at Mitt Romney. Snooze. We like to be aroused, angered, and incensed. Not bored out of our minds. And Trump is riding that wave, as far as he can take it before it crests...wait I can come up with a better metaphor: He's riding that psychotic horse to its burning stable. 
Even the tough as nails ice queen Megyn Kelly has somehow drank the Trump kool aid. She's the one that Trump said was bleeding out of her eyes and ...other places remember that? She used to be a bona fide resident bitch of Fox News and she was awesome at it. She was the queen of epic shut downs and was a personal hero of mine, even though I'm a democrat. Now she's all chummy with Trump because he's gone more 'presidential' and won't make fun of her lady mensies. 

I am curious as to how much money Trump paid Lorne Michaels to host SNL, I'm thinking its in the millions. Or as Trump calls it 'walking around money'.
I have a different plan. If Trump gets elected (he won't), I've already started stockpiling water and gasoline for the apocalypse after which we'll have to live a Mad Max, Road Warrior type life. I plan to be ready. It's not enough that Trump reminds me almost exactly of Immortan Joe, and I for one do not plan to be one of his Real Housewives of the Citadel. Give me a robot arm, shave my head and let me piss on his legacy. I'd do that right now, if I wasn't in fear of one of Trump's handler's strong arming me to the ground...remember that? Again, nothing sticks. 
I really do have a lot to say, but there's no point in saying it. It all sounds like complaining and disbelief. Even the egg heads at CNN are scratching their heads. How could this happen? I don't know man. A member of the 1% who freely steps over dead bodies to build his ridiculous towers on, hit women, and thinks that every Muslim is in ISIS is now the front runner to be the ruler of the free world? least it's not boring. How can I stay so calm you ask? Think of Justine from Lars von Trier's Melancholia. A 'rogue planet' is coming to destroy earth and she's all 'this might as well happen, adult life is already so goddamn weird'. One part of me is waiting to do the 'told ya so' dance to those people who don't think Hillary can beat Trump, but there's no point in fretting about it now. Have a mojito and enjoy yourself, it may be the last one you get. Oh what a day! What a lovely day!

Below some're gonna need it. 

Sunday, October 25, 2015

7 Months Without Zayn and We're Still Standing

I did not make this brilliant poster art. I'm not creative enough.
We all cried our eyes out when Zayn quit One Direction seven months ago. I know I couldn't eat, sleep, or start a sentence without breaking into tears for weeks. It was worse than when Gerry left the Spice Girls...or when the Beatles broke up. I still can't even. I've lost all ability to even. We all know that the magic boy band formula calls for 5 as the magic number, and 4 is bullshit. Joey Justin Chris Jc and Lance. Nick Brian Kevin Howie and AJ. Niall Louis Harry Liam and ZAYN. For fuck's sake. You can't just ask me to cut off 1/5th of the magic formula, then it's not so magical anymore, think about it.
I feel like the world has gone crazy and I want off. Louis is pregnant, Zayn quit the group. What's next? Harry dates Taylor Swift? Wait, that already happened. Motherfuck. Just the name of the band suggest that no one is allowed to quit and stays there until the bitter end...much like the Pope. Wait, the last Pope quit didn't he. What is happening?
Oh to be that dude that has to photoshop Zayn out of group photos for a living.

Now what am I supposed to do with that lower back tattoo of the first cover art of 'Up All Night' with all of their names written in cursive underneath? Tattoo a 'no longer there' above 'Zayn'? No! I'm in enough pain as it is. I'm telling you, people. Prepare yourself for the worst. Louis is going to have a baby and probably going to have to quit next. Then I know Harry's going to cave because he's this close to his own record deal and is too young and shiny to pass that up. Then who have we got Niall and Liam, what is it going to be a Sonny and Cher kind of thing? One of them is going to have to learn a folk instrument and I'm not sticking around to watch either of them struggle with a ukulele.  Clearly my entire life is flashing before my eyes, and I'm thinking the worst because that's how I'm programmed. But I can't see a functioning world without One Direction. Who else believes they're single-handedly responsibly for stimulating our economy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? ...Harry Styles for President? Too far? Yeah that's too far.

The male pop superstar recipe calls for 5 members, and 4 just doesn't taste as good. 
But you know what America? We're a nation of survivors and we're going to make it through this. It's been 7 months, and just like someone in AA would i've been counting the days of how long I've gone without Zayn. I have my tough moments but I have a 1D sponsor that I can call and they'll come over and play 'The Story of My Life' at full volume while they force feed me cookie dough and everything returns to normal. And if retrospect if any of them was going to quit first (which is an inevitability in the boy band universe) I'm fine with it being Zayn. My holy trinity is Harry Louis and Niall. I think Niall's the Holy Ghost but I'm not sure. I think that the rest of the world agrees with me. Had it been Liam, there would be rioting. And let's be real, unlike BSB and 'N Sync, One Direction doesn't need 5 voices to harmonize. In case you hadn't lost ALL respect for me just yet, let me enlighten you. Justin is a lead tenor, JC is a high tenor, Chris is a counter tenor, Joey is a baritone and Lance Bass is all about the bass (lame puns rear their ugly head). Clearly they all studied opera because together those 5 voices make a beautiful harmony that hypnotizes girls in their teens to spend millions of their parents' money. I know One Direction can sing, but they're not as chemically inclined as the rest, put it that way if that makes sense. Ok fine, THEY CAN'T SING. Do I care?? Does anyone? What I'm saying is that since the release of their first single since Zayn's departure I can't tell the difference. Sounds the same. I just miss his face. I'd grown so accustomed to it (musical theater reference, what.)

Below, videos from the good ol' days. I can barely bring myself to watch their new videos, not only because I can't in public for fear of being ostracized by society but because my heart still hasn't recovered from the loss.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

I'm THAT Jew...

No preface, just inspired by the 'I'm That Jew' slam poetry super cut. As OITNB's Cindy said 'It feels good to be chosen'. PS. I omitted iconic members of my tribe like Spielberg, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Jonah Hill, etc. I just don't have that much time. Pouring out a glass of Manischewitz for my homies...

That Tattoo'd and Can't Be Buried in a Jewish Cemetery Jew...

Adam Levine
The My Mother is Jewish Therefore I'm Jewish Jew...

James Franco
That Really Annoying Giggly Jew...

Natalie Portman 
That Hotter Beyond All Reason Jew...

Mila Kunis
That Bad Boy Jew...

Sean Penn
That Original Bad Boy Jew...

Robert Downey Jr. 
That Giggles and Ha-Ha's Jew...

Andy Samberg
That Still Funny After All This Time Jew...

David Schwimmer (Pivot!)
That Uber Nerd Jew...

Jesse Eisenberg
That Head of a Reality TV Empire Jew...

Andy Cohen
That All Too Jewish Looking Jew...

Adrien Brody
That Not Jewish Looking At All Jew...

Alicia Silverstone
That Still Hot For Nearly 50 Jew...

Sarah Silverman
That Still Hot and In His 60's Jew...

Jeff Goldblum (Life uh uh...finds a way. And, you're welcome)
That British Jew...

Daniel Radcliffe
That Other British Jew...

Andrew Garfield
That Voice of a Generation Jew...

Amy Schumer
That He Grew Up Nice Jew...

Joseph Gordon-Levitt
That Gone All Too Soon Jew...

Amy Winehouse
That Hot for Four Decades Jew...

Jennifer Connelly
That Soviet Defector Russian Jew...

Sergey Brin (Holla! ...or Challah!)
That OG Hot Jew...

Dustin Hoffman
That Get Your Hands Off Him That's My Husband Jew...

Joaquin Phoenix
That Get Your Hands Off Her That's My Wife Jew...

Rashida Jones
That I Did It All For America Jew...

Evan Lysacek
That No I Will Not Quaf My Jew-Fro Jew...

That Hug It Out Bitch Jew...

Jeremy Piven
That Somewhat Menacing Jew...

Jake Gylenhaal
That One Jew to Rule Them All Jew...

That Reason For Your Sexual Awakening Jew...

The My Mom Made Me Include Him On This List Jew...

Seth Rogen

That Seth Rogen's Best Friend and Perfect Jew Jew...

Jason Segel

Below the video I was talking about...

And then some other stuff. L'Chaim!