Thursday, October 8, 2015

Checking In Please. The Premiere of American Horror Story: Hotel

Reservation is under the name 'Gaga'
I fucked up. I decided to go to the gym rather than watch the premiere of American Horror Story: Hotel. What the hell was I thinking? Well partially I didn't want everyone on facebook giving away spoilers (i'm looking at you, new yorkers) I live on the Pacific timezone ergo I'm the last to get anything on TV...except for Hawaii. Anyway! American Horror Story is more than my favorite show, it's an unhealthy obsession. And once something becomes an unhealthy obsession in my life, there's no going back. The show can be problematic and in desperation for ratings go from the imaginative to the laughably insane, as seen in last season's Freakshow, but I'm so happy they found their footing again. 
Lady Gaga in a promo still from Entertainment Weekly as The Countess. The owner of the Hotel Cortez.
If you live in a cave you don't know that the series switches times and settings every season, but keeps the principal cast. It's a very cool concept. The last season was set in the 50's in a place called Jupiter Florida, but now we're back to Los Angeles in modern times, where the series initially began with Murder House. Two boho sluts from Sweden check in to a mysterious hotel all excited about seeing the most annoying places in LA like Universal Studios. Also, I'm not saying that Swedes are sluts, just these two girls happen to be. They immediately take a disliking to the retro and dank feel of the Hotel Cortez. It's not hip enough for them. It's not the Standard on Sunset Blvd. which is probably where they should have gone considering they would have seen a lot of weirder shit there. Kathy Bates appears and is immediately crass and dismissive to them, and I'm thinking, well yeah fuck these bitches. As you can tell, I'm typing this while I watch it. Thank god for DVR. Now that's about as much of the plot as I'm going to give you, because unlike Facebook and twitter trolls I actually care about spoilers. For the most part.
Spoiler alert! Sex and murder are mutually exclusive.
The only person from all previous seasons that does not appear in Hotel is Jessica Lange, and a role probably originally written for her was given as we well know to Lady Gaga. She's the mistress of the Hotel Cortez, and seriously if we ever needed proof that she could act, we got it last night. I miss Jessica, but Gaga was born for this role. Ryan Murphy probably had the biggest creative hard on watching her deliver lines. Lest we forget, the show also has the holy trifecta of the hottest men in Hollywood ever. Wes Bentley, Matt Bomer, and Cheyenne Jackson round out the principal cast as newcomers to people we have grown to associate with the show like Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates, Evan Peters, Chloe Sevigny etc. 
Now, let's talk about the Hotel. you could see that Falchuk and Murphy were getting really strapped for a horror setting that can keep going for 14 episodes. They got creative with it. The first was very predictable. A family moves into a haunted house. Whoopdy do. Crazy shit is going to happen. After which, they had to get more outlandish and ask themselves where can we put a bunch of random and endless but somehow connected horror an asylum, a coven, and a freakshow apparently. But there's something about Hotel that tells me it's going to be the best season yet. 
Huge girl crush on Sarah Paulson. The meaner she gets on AHS, the more I love her. 
Think about how creepy a hotel is, especially an antiquated one in LA. I know that you guys think The Roosevelt is so awesome and hip. But I used to live literally down the street and always got a creeped out feeling while buying my 15$ martini. Perhaps it was because it was the epicenter for sugar daddies on the hunt, but back to the damn show! What is the quintessential horror film. If you say anything other than The Shining, then I feel so bad for you. Where does it take place? Do you see where I'm going with this? How many times have you checked into a hotel and wondered what goes on behind all of those doors with basically a house full of strangers and paper thin walls? I'm not talking about the Marriott or anything, but those really old LA hotels with that pre-war architecture, decaying carpet, and a wealth of stories scary or not. They even ripped off the shag carpeting (metaphorically) from The Shining, seriously that was a nice homage. And I know a lot of NY snobs will think well if it's about a mysterious hotel why in LA and not in NY home of the Chelsea. In my opinion, LA horror stories especially those akin to buildings, and they are never ending are much more interesting. LA is a city full of secrets, broken dreams, despair, murder, and a lot of things that can translate themselves into romantic but gory horror stories and tall tales. It's about time Murphy and Falchuk capitalized on it. The premiere was right on. Excellent. Can't wait for the second episode, still upset that I can't marathon it. If any one wants to do an AHS night every week hit me up. I'll be dressed like Sarah Paulson. 

Below, intro and trailer 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The Oscars are Coming Up and I Have a Bone to Pick

Todd Solondz
Let's be honest, I have many bones to pick (keep your dirty jokes to yourself). The snub list goes on and on. Can you believe that Orson Welles, Charlie Chaplin, Marilyn Monroe and PT Anderson have never won jack shit? Can you believe that Stanley Kubrick only won an Oscar for Best Visual Effects? Why is it that I keep watching this show, honestly? We all know it's so political it's almost rigged and that The Weinstein's run such expensive Oscar campaigns for their films that they are guaranteed nominations every year? Yeah, I'm saying it; you can buy a nomination if you have the money. It's clearly not based on merit, I mean come on. One anonymous member of the academy once said publicly that the way it works is that they receive all of these DVD's in the mail, with a watermark on them saying 'consider this...' Any one who has ever illegally downloaded a film (which is all of us) has seen that watermark. Anyway, he said that if they don't have the time, or they are bored, or don't get a DVD, it doesn't get watched, ergo it doesn't get voted for. A lot of the time, votes go to a person that an Academy voter likes, regardless if the performance was shitty or not. Why do you think Joaquin Phoenix never wins anything? I remember very well when esteemed documentarian Errol Morris who has been working for over 20 years on some of the most iconic documentaries in the American idiom FINALLY won for The Fog of War in 2004. The first words that came out of his mouth at the podium said it all; 'I want to thank the academy for finally paying attention to my films'. This is the man that made The Thin Blue Line and A Brief History of Time amongst a plethora of genius documentaries and only in 2004 did they finally give him the honors he well deserved. 
But my bone to pick I have to focus on one filmmaker because if I focused it on all the snubs this blog post would never end. One of my favorite filmmakers is Todd Solondz. I met him once when I was working at the New York Film Festival. I touched his arm, and I swear you guys, I saw Jesus. That's a lie, and even if it wasn't it wouldn't mean that much to me because I'm Jewish, but it was like a regular person meeting...Brad Pitt I don't know. This filmmaker has always worked slightly on the fringes of Hollywood and every film he's made has been strictly independent. Over time, he has garnered a cult following, and status as a rebel. He's quirky, funny, and undeniably weird. Even in real life he just looks like he'd rather be in his room staring into space. But this introverted man completely lacking of social skills has given us such gargantuan gifts of cinema that if only more people paid attention to, would have status as a reputable filmmaker, but he doesn't, except for his niche cult followers (myself included). 

Dawn Wiener in front of her locker at school.
In 1995, he made what I consider to be one of the best films of all time; Welcome to the Dollhouse. It concerns a lowly pre-teen loser named Dawn Wiener played impeccably by Heather Matarazzo. She lives in the whiter than white suburbs of some unknown Midwestern town, is constantly bullied by her classmates, and resented if not totally ignored by her family. Her plight as a woman (albeit a very young woman) is comparable to that of those great female characters that overcome insurmountable odds that we all applaud and shower with awards. Out of the twisted mind of Todd Solondz, this character rebels in her own very special way, which none of us would imagine anyone in her situation doing. She lusts after a popular guy that she has no chance with to the point of out right asking him for sex, almost kills her baby sister with a hammer, and has perhaps one of the most memorable and disgusting masterbation scenes in cinema. Suffice it to say she never gets her comeuppance. SPOILER ALERT: the film ends with her on a school bus driving to a summer camp her parents are making her go to, singing to herself, implying that no matter what she does, nothing in her life will change and she's doomed to be miserable for the rest of it. 
Something happened between director and star over time, because in the next series of films we learn that she has committed suicide. Solondz didn't make any direct sequels to Dollhouse, but made films about people that somehow knew about her. 

The image of Dawn Wiener in her 'sexy clothes' trying to seduce Steve Rogers has become iconic, well in niche circles.
As I said, over time Solodnz has garnered a following and with his much anticipated new film Wiener-Dog (Dawn's horribly offensive nickname in Welcome to the Dollhouse), the cast consists of much bigger industry names than when he first started working. I mean, Greta Gerwig is in it for chrissake. I just hope this doesn't mean he's sold out, but that he's finally being taken seriously. 
The only award this director has EVER won was 'A Filmmaker on the Edge' award (whatever that means) at the Provincetown Film Festival. That basically says it all. Even the Indie Spirit awards are afraid of him. If there's a filmmaker who truly displays an indie spirit, it's Solondz (and Harmony Korine) but that's a whole different story.

Solondz's biting indictment of suburban culture is hilarious and tragic.
He's a true Hollywood rebel in that unlike filmmakers that we consider to be rebellious we still constantly hear about because, yeah they are rebelling but somewhere along the line the acquiesced to the rules of the business. Solondz on the other hand, seriously does not give a shit. He barely gives a shit about his audience. He makes films about people that he finds interesting, and because he's such a social outcast, they are barely relatable, but my god they are fascinating. And whatever even the most liberal mind might deem 'too much' he'll throw into the plot. Because it's his baby, it's his project, and it's him on celluloid. Over almost two decades, this man has never lost sight of who he was, and his abiding belief in his talent as a filmmaker and dedication to his marginalized stories have brought him a success he probably never imagined or cared about. Now I know that if his fellow 'rebels' like PT Anderson, Harmony Korine, and Jim Jarmusch get no love from the Academy, it's almost ridiculous that I demand that he does. In fact, he probably not only doesn't care but doesn't want it. He does what he sought out to do and he did it on his own terms and continues to. Inadvertently, his films have become cult if not iconic. I for one definitely consider Welcome to the Dollhouse to be an integral part of my adolescence. And Dawn Wiener is just as much a feminist icon as anyone Meryl Streep has ever played. At barely 11 I was able to recognize that this was an iconoclast, and that his films though not all good were something to behold. So perhaps it's best that The Academy and basically all awards continue to ignore him, giving him total free license to do whatever the fuck he wants on film. Keep the money, the glory, and the false sense of entitlement out of his ego and away from his movies. But please acknowledge to me, and more importantly yourself, that Solondz is one of the most unique, galvanizing, and intriguing filmmakers of our time. 

Below, the trailer for Welcome to the Dollhouse.

Below, someone made a music video. Go them. 

Monday, September 28, 2015

Body Shaming Gigi Hadid. The World Has Officially Lost Its Mind

Gigi Hadid on Instagram
When I wake up I usually check my Zite app on my commute to catch up on pop culture news, and then stuff that's happening in the world like the Republican debate, the pope's visit to America and other know, priorities. What popped up today made me sick to my stomach. And it's funny that stuff about a supermodel being bullied on social media has that effect on me, but sorry not sorry? 
Show-stopping end of Hilfiger's show at NYFF this year with Gigi leading the way. 
Backstory. I'm an avid die-hard Real Housewives fan, especially The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. We were first introduced to basically the hottest model commodity in the fashion world today through the franchise as she was the daughter of one of the principal cast members (also a model). Gigi Hadid is the product of Yolanda Foster and Muhammad Hadid. At 16 she was already modeling. When your mother is a former supermodel herself, you can rely on contracts from IMG, Wilhelmina, and Ford from age 4. She was seriously stunning. Like her mother, she stood around 5'10 and had legs for days and a beautiful voluptuous body. If you watched the show you know that even before she started her career her mother was really stringent about Gigi's diet and exercise routine, considering blessed with literally the best genes on the planet there's really no need for that. I always thought that Andy Cohen would do a spin off on Gigi and her younger sister Bella (also a model, and also freakin' gorgeous) but then Gigi up and moved to New York to quote pursue a modeling career while studying criminal psychology, suffice it to say the latter didn't work out. But god damn her modeling career took off and she was quickly walking the runways in Paris, New York, and Milan, and appeared on every single billboard for Guess, and graced the covers of Vogue, W, and the like. 
Like mother like daughter. Yolanda Foster on the left during her equally successful modeling career. 
And I'm sorry but the era of heroin-chic that Kate Moss dominated is long over. We don't need our models to look like they are in the terminal stages of drug addiction any more. Setting those kind of sick unachievable standards was just wrong and I can't believe that dark circles under your eyes, a paler beyond pale complexion and bones sticking out of every part of your body was considered sexy. 
Anyway, back to Gigi. She's fresh faced, blonde, and unimaginably beautiful and graceful. And homegirl knows how to model. Again, she was raised by a model, so... After she opened up an Instagram account, we all got to see the behind-the-scenes Gigi and god damnit, she's just as gorgeous just hanging out on her couch. For fuck's sake. And now people are giving her shit? I object! Have you SEEN her instagram? I'd die for selfie's like that. I know she's a model, and I know the standards are high, but in my opinion, SHE'S the standard for all other models right now. Her legs start at her neck, her lips are naturally big and pillowy so there's no need for duckface, and her hair is luxuriously long. She literally looks like a Disney princess that the Disney animators were never creative enough to invent. Seriously world? Body shaming a supermodel? I can tell just by looking at her that she probably wears a size 2 or 0, and can pull off wearing literally ANYTHING so shut up people. That's just wrong. 
If you were this hot, you'd take a bunch of Instagram selfies too. SMIZE!
You're probably jealous because there's not a flaw on Gigi Hadid, and  you have nothing better to do with your time than troll instagram and get envious. Yeah, fuck her for having flawless skin, long flowy hair, big beautiful eyes, and a penchant for mirror selfies (that last one I'm totally guilty of, so I feel her pain, the rest not so much). And body shaming? In a world where cyberbullying is so revolting that it leads to suicide, could you be a little more careful with where you direct your abject negativity? Or here's a thought, not use it at all and shut the fuck up? 
body shaming? urly?
She was raised right though, she responded in a very classy way shutting down her haters. 'I hope everyone gets to a place in their life where they'd rather talk about things that inspire them over things that bring others down.' Simple, but right on the money. I know not a lot of you follow her on Instagram (I do, yay me!) and even fewer of you paid attention to New York Fashion Week this year, but she killed it (especially at the grand finally of Tommy Hilfiger's show), so for your own dignity, just stop. If anything it makes you look like more of a loser, especially when you resort to something so abhorrent as body shaming; which to me, is absolutely inexcusable. It's cruel, and it says more about you as a terrible human being than the person you're doing it to. Ok I'm done.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

TV's Reign of Delicious Fucked-Upedness

Jessica Lange in American Horror Story: Freakshow. Fabulous.
Scream Queens, Scandal, and How To Get Away With Murder. No it's not a retrospective on the 90's, it's some of TV's most successful shows. Let's get down to business. We all watched the Emmy's we know who wins all of the awards, but TV is all about ratings in the end isn't it? With the TV renaissance appearing to be nearing its tail-end, there are those who grasped the medium and refuse to let go without a fight. Mad Men is over, Breaking Bad is over, Downton get the idea. Now, if we could just get Girls to wrap up quietly, we'll be great! We're left with two major camps who dominate in ratings and have given us a specific point of view and auteur-like quality to their bastion of shows. 
In one corner we have the incomparable Shonda Rhimes; the brainchild behind Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, and most recently How to Get Away with Murder, a problematic and I'll say sometimes laughably outlandish show, but it did win Viola Davis her history-making Emmy, proving that Shonda is a solid force to be reckoned with in the TV industry. 
In the other corner we have a creative team the likes of which I haven't seen since Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse; Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk who have proved versatile in genres including both comedy and horror with shows like Glee, Nip/Tuck, and American Horror Story, their marriage of the two genres culminating with the recently premiered, Scream Queens
Emma Roberts in Scream Queens, previously of AHS fame and Ryan Murphy's current muse.
Both of these camps have a clear cut voice and vision, and their shows, although niche, are widely popular to the point where you'll tune in just because you heard that Shonda is exec producer on something, regardless of content. The age of shows that take themselves very, almost too seriously are over. And we've ushered in the age of highly imaginative content and wildly outlandish premises and characters. I would say that both Shonda and Murphy/Falchuk are very camp in their approach. In the immortal words of Blanche Dubois; 'I don't want realism, I want magic', and that's just what shows like Scandal and American Horror Story provide. Both teams provide a hyperactive reality and prefer style over accuracy. It's actually a genius strategy. Let's take Shonda. There are already countless courtroom and political drama shows that are in syndication and still airing on television. How do you go around that? Make the premise totally implausible and put as many twists and turns imaginable in it. It's so much more fun when you don't adhere to any rules except your own. Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington), the epicenter of Scandal is a feminist and television icon by now. We can forget that every situation she finds herself in is highly unlikely to happen in actuality, but who cares? There's no limits to the creative imagination and that's what both camps have proven. 
Olivia and President Fitz; the love story that we are all talking about and yet totally implausible and highly imaginative. 
Murphy and Falchuk have really grown to impress. Nip/Tuck was campy but it was ridiculous. And who wants to see a scripted show about plastic surgeons when we can see it on E!'s Botched for real? Glee, I wasn't the biggest fan of, perhaps because I couldn't stand its fan base...the Gleeks. Let's face it, that show was just pretty people in a kareoke bar without the booze. But they totally redeemed themselves with American Horror Story which has the inventive bravado of a show like Lost. It's completely implausible, and very unrealistic, but honestly how much does that matter? Were we all on board with secret hatches, black smoke monsters and time travel on a mysterious island? Yes we were. 
The highly anticipated new season of American Horror Story (Hotel) will feature Lady Gaga as a member of the principle cast. And when we all heard about this we collectively lost our shit. 
Scream Queens, their latest endeavor, had a brilliant premiere and seems to marry both Murphy's and Falchuk's penchant for horror with their fabulous nose for comic timing. Both camps also share something with every successful show right now and that is a multi-protagonist show. A la Lost, both Scandal and Scream Queens, Grey's Anatomy and American Horror Story have well over 10 main characters, and aren't afraid to kill anyone off. If you have 20 people in the main cast, you have more freedom to end their trajectory without losing your audience, because there are 19 left to keep the story moving. 
Viola Davis, star of How to Get Away with Murder and the show's creator Shonda Rhimes. 
We have to admit that at this point, each teams plethora of shows kind of bleed into each other. We can see parallels and similarities between Scandal and How to Get Away with Murder, just like we can see them between AHS and Scream Queens, but when you have that much content and that many active shows, how can you not use your powers as a storyteller to create a distinct voice that resonates through all of your work? That's the mark of an auteur after all. 
The new TGIT campaign really says it all. We don't have to roll up our sleeves and sit among the most self-righteous tv snobs for an hour of Breaking Bad where a general bleakness and way over-the-top deaths married with an existential darkness dominating the premise. We can pour ourselves a comically large glass of wine and have fun with our friends who take no shame in totally believing what is happening on Scandal
Banner for the current TGIT fall campaign.
I for one, believe that this is a brilliant time for TV, where anything goes. Yes, it can be a 'drama' but it doesn't have to be bleak, and serious, and harsh. Most of us watch TV for a break from our lives, we yearn for the unrealistic; the magical. I just finished yet another Buzzfeed countdown, this one about some of the greatest one-liners on the premiere of Scream Queens. None of them are anything you'll ever ever EVER hear in real life, and all of them totally ridiculous, but they are hilarious and genius. Where else are you going to hear 'good evening, idiot hookers.' Probably on Vanderpump Rules, but hey at least this one is scripted. With based-on-real-events shows like Masters of Sex and Halt and Catch Fire tanking, we can see that it's not what the viewing public hungers for anymore. 
With the most recent Emmy's, it's been proven that a show that doesn't take itself too seriously can still be taken seriously as something of worth, and that's the genius of both Rhimes and Murphy/Falchuk. I don't think any of them set out to write shows that garner awards, in fact they are usually the kind of shows that don't. But ratings don't lie, and now award shows are catching up to the trend. As should you. I've mentioned a lot of shows in this blog post, if you don't watch at least one of them, well you're not a very good person. So get on that. Please and thank you. 

Below the new TGIT campaign.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Emmy's 2015 - Best and Worst Dressed

The Emmy's were a bit of a snoozefest in everything between the beginning and end. Some wonderful wins like Viola Davis, Uzo Aduba, and of course Jon Hamm made me ecstatic, and Andy Samberg was a pretty competent host...I guess. But let's get down to what really matters, the outfits. Most of them were horrid, just not going to lie and say it right now. A big trend this year was the Hillary Clinton pants suit, and I was surprised but I totally loved all of them from Lea Delaria to Jill Soloway. The Annie Hall look is back ya'll, nothing wrong with wearing pants on a red carpet and most ladies rocked it. Unfortunately, those in gowns totally went ape shit and made the red carpet into some kind of circus fiasco. Here's my brutal best and worst dressed list, back by popular demand. (By the way, let's just announce the winners and losers right now) Best Dressed: Lady Gaga, worst dressed: Heidi Klum. Phew, that felt good. Well here we go...let's start with best as not to scare you. 


Sofia Vergara in St. John's Knits. Seriously this woman could wear trash bags with actual trash in them and still be fabulous. I want to know who's blood she's drinking, this woman does not age or fray. God damn her. 
Ellie Kemper in Naeem Khan. She's adorable, her show's really sweet, and this dress would be totally problematic on most people but she carried it flawlessly, I wish her hair was down because it would have totally matched. 

Lea Delaria in I don't know. I am so in love with Lea. With this androgynous crushed velvet maroon suit, she looks so fabulous. Coupled with those trademark glasses of hers, she wins.
Emma Roberts in Jenny Packham. She's so young,  I don't know why she chose a gown that would usually be donned by someone twice her age. She kind of looks a bit Granny Chic in it, but with the long blonde hair and those doe-eyes, she makes it work on her teeny frame. 
Lady Gaga in Brandon Maxwell. I guess the days of Alexander McQueen and Philip Treacy are over. Gaga is an actress now and definitely brought a sense of Old Hollywood chic to the event. Less is more, and she nailed it. Definitely best dressed. She looks unbelievable.
Kerry Washington in Marc Jacobs. At first I hated this dress, but after tossing and turning all night I had a change of heart. It's a little, well weird. But Kerry carries it so well, I have to put her on the Best Dresed end. It's fashion forward, and very flattering. 
Jill Soloway in Bottega Veneta. Out of all of the pants suits, this has to be my favorite. It works brilliantly on her. I just love the whole, let's make every part of the outfit the same exact material and pattern. It's quirky, simple, and looks great on her. 
Jackie Cruz in Christian Siriano. The ladies from OITNB definitely know how to clean up for the red carpet...for the most part. No one this time was as stunning as Jackie Cruz in this plunging neckline high slit dress. It's so elegant, and something usually reserved for Sofia Vergara, but props to you Jackie, you actually beat her to the punch.
Allison Janney in again, I don't know. This is a ballsy dress for anyone much less a 55 year old. But my god what a stunning body on that woman. She's probably my second favorite of the night. The dress is almost a little too much and could look like something an AVN award winner would wear, but Janney is so elegant, she makes it a work of art. Congrats on the Emmy btdubs.
Laverne Cox in Calvin Klein. She slays basically every red carpet she walks on, and this really minimalist turquoise number reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence's Calvin Klein dress she wore to her first Oscar ceremony. That color looks amazing on her, and she's just stunning overall. 
Tatiana Maslani in Buchra Jarrar. This plunging neckline white pants suit is everything. It's so awesome. A girl like Tatiana who probably doesn't weigh more than 100 pounds can basically wear anything, and I'm so grateful she opted for the pants and not the gown. Slender and sophisticated, she shines on the red carpet. Also I love the white.
Samira Wiley in I DON'T KNOW! Samira always wears these kinds of minimalist gowns which she compensates for by wearing a really bright color. Hey the formula works. It reminds me of that Tom Ford white gown that Gwenyth wore...look it up. The one sleeve thing is so hot right now, especially when the other sleeve is a cape. 'This is the best costume for today' (look that up too). 
Sarah Hyland in Zac Posen. This is a young girl who basically styles herself like someone 10 years older than her. Her flair for fashion is very advanced, and she rarely looks problematic. She looks vibrant and elegant. She's got such a pretty face and figure, she doesn't need much to achieve props on the red carpet. 

Carrie Brownstein in Stella McCartney. Let's end with another pants suit. I would wear this every day, could I afford Stella McCartney. Accented by bright red lipstick and brilliant heels, this is so chic, and so beautiful on Carrie. Bravo!
And now, for the WORST. Be prepared. 

Jane Krakowski in Bibhu Mohaptra. Looks like it's Zac Posen but it's not. It totally washes her out and is a bit too tight. But that's not the main problem. It's boooooring. And the color blocking is way off. Also the mermaid dress went out about 3 years ago. 
Claire Danes in Prada. What the fuck is this dress honestly? The metal chains coupled with a shiny purple textile is the worst! Hashtag hated it. Probably the most flattering thing on her is her husband. 
Lena Headey in Zuhair Murad. I feel so sorry for this designer. On the runway, his gowns are the epitome of fashion forward and chic, but he always has to dress people like Kristen Stewart or Lena Headey for red carpets and they just don't do his clothes justice. It's an interesting gown, it just looks awful on her. She looks awful put it that way. 
Taylor Schilling in Stella McCartney. Mustard yellow is never a good choice ok? This flowy ruffled backless...thing looks like it was made up from scraps left over from the Gone With the Wind wardrobe department. Epic fail. 
Christina Hendricks in I can't find it! But c'mon whomever it was probably went into witness protection after this. This is a laughable dress. And not to be a bitch here (too late) when you're curvy, don't wear something that accentuates that. She looks like the Chrysler Building. 
Regina King in again, no clue. But seriously? Did she miss prom night? I love Regina King, but the dress is awful. It's not chic, it's not flattering, it's homey and it's ridiculous. The beading is all wrong, and why is the length off? If it was just a white, sleeveless dress that was two inches longer it might have worked, but it's not. It's blah.
Julianne Hough in S&M chic. I thought she looked pretty, but the dress is really slutty I'm sorry. No I'm not. The top of it looks like it belongs in an early 90's Madonna video and the bottom is all wrong. It's two different dresses sloppily meshed into one, and she looks like she's going to an Eyes Wide Shut party, not walking the red carpet at the Emmy's. 
Taryn Manning in Rubin Singer. She looks like she's going to an Addam's Family theme party for Halloween. She's gorgeous in real life, but the cape thing that worked so well for Samira looks terrifying on her. And are those shoulder pads? For the love of god!
Zoe Kazan in Miu Miu. Again, this was one that I had a change of heart about. It's playful, I love the textile pattern, but it's not right for her. It would look great on someone like Nicole Kidman or Naomi Watts, but on her, it looks out of place and mismatched. She is not nearly sophisticated enough for this dress. 
Amy Poehler in Michael Kors. I'm so sorry Amy, I adore you and you totally should have won, but this dress looks like you made it yourself. Your whole look seems like you've given up, which you kind of have considering you've lost every time, but you can still rock it on the red carpet. I remember the Golden Globes. Pull yourself together woman!
Chelsea Peretti in Gabriela Cadena. Oh god, where do I start? Again, this dress is suffering from multiple personality disorder. It's hideous. I don't care if it looks great walking down the runway on a 5'10 model, it's a hot mess. Hate it hate it hate it. Can't erase it from my memory. #neveragain.
Gwendolyn Christie in blah. Nice try at being Emma Roberts. The retro 20's hair, and the paler beyond pale skin is all wrong. This DVF wrap-dress looking fiasco looks more like a high end hotel room bath robe. 
Stephen Merchant's girlfriend in whatever the fuck she's wearing has to be mentioned. This looks like sleazy lingerie you buy for your boyfriend because he has no taste, not something you put on to walk a red carpet. Jesus christ, cover up at least SOMETHING. Also, you're not an abstract expressionist painting just so we're clear. 
Amanda Peet in (again) Michael Kors. I totally don't get the whole almost bare midriff look. Kristen Wiig did it two years ago with J. Mendel and that worked, but this year, it's hideous. Peet is very chic regardless, and chose a simple updo and barely there jewelry to compliment this, but again the dress is wearing her no the other way around. 
Heidi Klum in Versace. Someone gauge my eyes out right the fuck now. This is a crime against humanity. As I said, yellow rarely works, and even when it's Versace it's easy to look like the inside of a blender after a banana smoothie. Heidi, we know you're a model, so you know everything about fashion so please stop experimenting. It's NOT WORKING!
Naomi Grossman in couldn't find the designer. I think he shot himself. I love AHS, I love Naomi. But whyyyyyyyyyy. This is not appropriate, it is not flattering. It's the 80's meets Jackson Pollock through the mentally insane filter. This dress is horrible in every way I don't even know where to start. Never do this again Naomi. 
Sarah Paulson in Prabal Gurung. It physically hurts me to put more than one AHS star on the Worst Dressed List but they totally sucked this year. Sarah is a beautiful woman, but this dress is so boring I want to cry. It looks like a reject from Betty Draper's wardrobe. It's trying to be retro but it's not, it's just well....nothing. The blue sequins thing is so tired, and I'm hating the off the shoulder BS. knock it off. 

Ok now blogger is being a little bitch and not letting me download anymore, but that's fine, I can't do this much longer. Just to bookend it. Some other people that totally disappointed last night were Anna Chlumsky, Porsha Williams, Lauren Lapkus and Nazanin Bonaidi, but you can google those can't you? Honorable mention for Best Dressed goes to Julie Bowen and Julia Louise Dreyfus. They both wore plain black dresses which would look good on anyone so only worth mentioning in the post script. 

And there you have it. Basically it was like no one even tried this year. I know it's not the Oscars, but c'mon. Stop wearing 'right off the runway' and figure out what looks good on you. And when in doubt, Valentino it.