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How to Have a One Night Stand and Keep your Dignity Doing It
One Night Stand Survival Guide for Women

Which Republican Presidential Candidate to Vote For Based on Looks Alone

Ok, firstly, I know I'm not a political blogger, but guess what the Republican Presidential Debate was broadcast on CNN, MSNBC and FOX News, therefore, it was on television, therefore, it's fair game for me. 

Just to clarify, I'm a registered Democrat, republican politics often make me sick to my stomach, and I think tea partyers are insane. But you couldn't watch the recent Florida debate without going 'hmmm, there's more fake tans and botox on this stage than at a Bachelor Pad reunion special'. I guess the age of Gollum-like frightening republican politicians like Dick Cheney and propped up pseudo-corpses like John McCain and Bob Dole are long over, and the GOP is pumping life back into its party and winning influence the old-fashioned way: by looks alone. I think they got a bit threatened with Obama's natural charm, physical stature, and too-cool-for-school disposition and decided to up the ante. Historically speaking, this is not something new to the world of politics During the 1960 Kennedy/Nixon election, many people believed that Nixon lost by the narrowest margin because he was not nearly as physically appealing as Kennedy, apparently they figured those are the issues bored housewives vote on. 

Every presidential campaign boasts an entourage of hair and make-up people that rival J-Lo's touring staff with hairspray, touch-up, and spray-tan cans at the ready largely due to the advent of HD television. 

With the exception of Ron Paul, who's always looked like a feeble brittle old geezer (even when he was younger) here are the candidates who primp themselves for hours trying to look their best for a debate, and loosing sight of their actual debate skills along the way.

Texas governor Rick Perry (didn't we learn our lesson with electing Texas governors?) has all the charm of Rhett Butler with botox and all the dumb of a confused 2nd grader at a Spelling Bee. When they closed up on his face, it looked so leathery and wrinkled, he looked like a big dried apricot. 

Certified Banana Sandwich Michelle Bachmann taking the Sarah Palin torch and running with it, can't cover up the fact that she's completely outside her mind with Alberto VO5 hot oil and copious amounts of eye-liner seeing here talking about her ridiculous stance against the HPV vaccine. 

With the face of a constipated butler, and the voice of a slow-motion automated answering machine, not to mention political positions that make the staunchest right-winger gasp in horror, Santorum is definitely the joke of this campaign. He stands around looking scared and confused (Andy Samberg nailed it on SNL) and answering every question with the most ridiculous notions his skewed mind can come up with, Santorum reminds us that creepy guy that you always seem to encounter on your way to work, who just stands there and stares at you when you walk by. 

Former Godfather Pizza CEO Herman Cain is kind of on a roll. He won the straw poll, and brings a freshness to the usual stuffy conservative morays. He has a booming deep voice and carries himself with grace. He has sincere face and nice-guy glasses. He's in my opinion the most appealing of the GOP candidates. 

Jon Hunstman looks like the kind of guy who when he was in college was the big man on campus but not bright at all. Sporting a mustard yellow silk tie like he's about to go to a swap meet in the 30's with feathered hair and a fake tan, it's just one giant aesthetic fail. Not to mention that his performance was pretty forgettable as well. 

There are just so many reasons not to vote for Newt Gingrich it's hard to choose just one. But going on looks alone, he does remind me of a live-action Pillsbury dough boy taking crazy pills. Just say no. 

Gary Johnson...um who? Made no impression physically or otherwise. Ultimately forgettable. Nothing remarkable to report one way or the other. Next!

His politics might be sickening, but we can't deny that Mitt Romney is one handsome mofo. He's got the swagger, the prominent brow, and cleft chin down, and reminds me of Charles Bronson kind of. He's not great with the jokes, but he's got charm. He definitely needs to take it easy on the sun tan lotion.

If you're into decrepit, sallow Hugh Hefner-looking types with sunken in cheek bones and liver spots (which I totally do) then vote for Ron Paul. He only looks about 200, and can barely see above the podium, but he's got determination. It's so cute when old people do that. 

New Article: Pretend to Have Sex With Someone Else (TootIt.com)

Pretend to Have Sex With Someone Else

Team Meatballs May be DTF, But I Wouldn't.

The latest episode of television's greatest guilty pleasure Jersey Shore was titled 'Meatball Mashup' when it should have been called 'Vagina Overload'. Out of all of the difficult to watch episodes, it was indeed the most cringe-worthy. 

First of all, Team Meatballs is a self-coined terms by Deena Cortese and Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi because they're Italian, short, and juicy (i'm guessing). And if you don't by now know what DTF stands for then you should get off of your penny-farthing bicycle, wax off your handle-bar mustache, and start paying attention. If glorified senior citizen Cloris Leachman uses it, there's no excuse. 

Anyway, in the latest greasy bronzed adventure for the Shore crew, they head off to the scenic beaches of Riccioni in the Rimini province of Italy to find people to rub up against, and when they can't, they opt for each other, and not for underwear. Let me put it this way, when bona fide sexpot cast member J-Woww is playing mom, then you know the situation (no pun intended) is not a good one. 

Deena and Snooki decided to get shit-faced and drink enough shots to put down a small farm animal (situation normal) but then the scene turns really ugly (and graphic) when the two of them against their roommates' advice decided to take their sloshed sloppy asses sans underwear to the club for a blurry fuck-it-all night out. 

They somehow stumble home in time to get changed for the evening's festivities and show up at the club ready to scare everyone there into a vow of celibacy. It's a wonder how the two are even standing but manage to gyrate up against a glass wall (and seriously Riccioni, if you know the meatballs are coming to town take down all glass walls) and press their lady parts against it. At this point all of us are thanking god for MTV's little Jersey Shore logos that pop up in front of the girls when they accidentally flash their naughty bits, which was literally every few seconds this episode. Now, I thought this was all pretty hilarious at first a couple years ago, but now it's getting old, and just a little too gross. I can't handle all that vagina. It reminded me of that time during 2007 when nipple slips were out and crotch shots were in. Everyone from Lindsey Lohan to Britney Spears to crotch shot aficionado Paris Hilton were plastering  their vag's all over the pages of The Inquirer and Star Magazine. I again find myself thinking what I did 4 years back; 'I did not sign up to be a gynecologist', and seriously ladies, enough is enough. Underwear will always be chic. There are so many options, lace, satin, silk, thongs, bikini cuts, flowers, pink cotton, anything and everything under the sun. It's a beautiful thing. 

To sum up, in the immortal and wise words of J-Woww on that fateful night: 'dude, your vagina is out. you're giving everyone a free show, put it away'. Very simple.

The Evolution of Christopher Eccleston's Bare Ass

Does anyone else notice that Christopher Eccleston shows his bare ass in every film he's ever been in? literally ever single one? Ok not literally but it happens a lot. Actually I don't think it happens enough, I think it should happen literally in all of his films, and if it happened on Dr. Who, his would have been the most memorable incarnation easily. I bet he wanted to but the BBC wouldn't let him, lame. I just came to this realization and considering I have a long withstanding crush on the British actor it has been majorly impactful in my life. I feel that ass-acting should be in a category of it's own. It's so important to the whole scope and atmosphere of the story. And no one else has gotten it down to an art form more than Eccleston. His ass is almost as good an actor as he is, it definitely has a life of his own. I'm wondering if Eccleston is classically trained but his ass is more method. 

This is a handsome guy, who like the rest of us has aged over time, not necessarily as frighteningly as say Ralph Fiennes, but definitely looks his age (which is not even that old, 47). But it seems that his ass does not wither or wrinkle with age. He clearly has a copy of Buns of Steel, or sold his soul to the ass gods, because every time I see it, I feel blessed to live in such a world. Here, i present to you the artful and mesmerizing ass acting of Christopher Eccleston. If there were ass oscars he should have about 15 by now.  

Shallow Grave (1993)
Clenched, nervous, connoting that he is at a crossroads and is not able to handle the current situation he finds himself in. His ass conveys 'hey, i've had a really rough few weeks what with committing murder and covering it up and everything. Perhaps a nice long shower will sooth me'.

Jude (1996)
Relaxed, pensive, ready for whatever may come next including the demise of both himself and his lover (Kate Winslet) considering they are first cousins. His ass is unapologetic and proud in this scene. Come what may. 

Elizabeth (1998)
Ok I really really apologize for the quality of this photo, but you know it's only so long one can look for christopher eccleston's bare ass pics on the internet without feeling completely sorry for oneself so i just decided to take a photo of the youtube clip. Here, his ass connotes, I'm flexing because I'm big and strong and powerful and after I have sex with my girlfriend, I'm going to overthrow the queen and rule the British Empire. 

Lennon Naked (2010)
Here recreating the cover to John Lennon's and Yoko Ono's Two Virgins album cover. Even in his mid-40's his ass is tighter than I've ever seen it, good job Eccleston. Here, it's as if his ass is telling us, 'hey, i'm John freakin' Lennon' i can get naked if I want to. That's how I roll.' sweet. 

Spotlight on: Jessica Chastain

Chastain in blonde wig as Celia Foote

This beautiful young and smart actress with ginger hair and a million dollar smile came on the scene looking like Christina Hendrick's hypothetical younger sister, and let's face it, as it stands now, Gingers are in: with the formerly mentioned Mrs. Hendricks, Emma Stone, and Bryce Dallas Howard pioneering the road of fiery hair and fiery personalities it's a new brand of sexy that we can all get on board with. 

Jessica Chastain seemed to appear almost from nowhere. All of a sudden she's walking the red carpet at Cannes side by side with Tree of Life director Terrence Malick, in which she starred. Since then, she's been tapped for some of the most important projects in cinema right now; huge hit The Help, Ralph Fiennes' contemporary Shakespearian adaptation and directorial debut Coriolanus, as well as Al Pacino's docu-drama of Oscar Wilde's play 'Salome' titled Wilde Salome and playing Helen Mirren's younger incarnation in The Debt, all to be or already released this year. The girl is on fire right now, and her introduction into mainstream and serious cinema is a pretty solid one. 

She has a Meryl Streep quality; that of intrigue, beauty, and intellectualism that brings forward very nuanced and meticulous performances. And lets not forget that she's pretty much smokin'. 

She is introduced in The Help by two long, statuesque legs walking daintily across the pool side of her luxurious country  home, and a voice quiveringly yet sensually speaks on the telephone outside of frame. Then the camera pulls out and we see Chastain as quirky but troubled Celia Foote, sporting a loud bright yellow 60's two-peice and a Marilyn Monroe haircut and cat eye sunglasses. Later in the film, bright red lipstick, tight and low cut tops, and high heeled pumps accent her appeal as she plays the quintessential stock character of the 'dumb blonde' with a certain level of depth and sympathy. 

She is a very interesting presence on screen and I can totally understand why directors are fighting over her and why she's able to have so many releases in only one year coming out of a modest background of a few guest spots on TV shows. I don't think it will take much time for her to become a household name. She's well on her way to becoming the next Julia Roberts, and if she plays her cards right, the next Meryl Streep. She is a new brand of sexy that is currently very popular which is the intellectual sexy; a girl that is etherial, intelligent, and sensuous. Smart-Hot is back, and it's taking names. 

My Favorite Whores. Adding to Musto's List

In light of Michael Musto's blog post on September 1st for The Voice titled 'The Best Screen Hookers' which you can read here: 

The Best Screen Hookers in Cinema History
I'd like to add some that I think also deserve a place in fabulous cinematic sluthood.
Here's my list.

Constance Towers as Kelly in The Naked Kiss (Sam Fuller, 1964)

Elizabeth Berkeley as Nomi Malone in Showgirls (Paul Verhoeven, 1995)

Jennifer Jason-Leigh as Tralala in Last Exit to Brooklyn (Uli Edel, 1989)

Greta Garbo as Mata Hari in Mata Hari (George Fitzmaurice, 1931) 

Elizabeth Shue as Sera in Leaving Las Vegas (Mike Figgis, 1995) 

Ona Munson as Belle Watling in Gone With The Wind (Victor Fleming, 1939) 

Eartha Kitt as Anna Lucasta in Anna Lucasta (Arnold Laven, 1958)

Sasha Grey as Chelsea in The Girlfriend Experience (Stephen Soderbergh, 2007)

Kim Basinger as Lynne Bracken in L.A. Confidential (Curtis Hanson, 1997)

Eddra Gale as La Saraghina in 8 1/2 (Federico Fellini, 1963) 

Gena Rowlands as Jeannie Rapp in Faces (John Cassavetes, 1968)