Monday, July 9, 2012

How I Would Cast Fifty Shades of Grey

Recently published composite of the ideal Christian Grey. Looks like a meat-head to me.
That's right people, my second post on 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and it's not even a film and/or Lifetime special yet. As I said before, and I wasn't wrong. 'Fifty Shades of Grey' is a literary phenomenon on par with sensations like 'Gone with the Wind', and 'Harry Potter'. In fact, a new survey shows that dolar for dollar, Fifty Shades recently surpassed Harry Potter in sales, and that's all of the Harry Potter books put together.
Hollywood is currently shitting itself in anticipation of buying the rights to retell this, even though anything slapped with any less than an NC-17 would be outright atrocious.
The number one frontrunner currently in the coveted race to play sadist, chauvinist woman-abuser that women are obsessed with for some reason is ridiculously hot nice-guy Canadian and saver of British women's lives Ryan Gosling. But I think that's a tad obvi. 
The story is based on the characters from the Twilight series so Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson our out because that's of course tired and who gives a shit about those two anymore? 
Here's what I'm thinking, and this might be obvi too but it just seems so perfect. Michael Fassbender as Christian Grey. It's perfect in-it? He's already a serious contender, and fingers crossed And he's no stranger to full-frontal and hardcore almost-porn, and the man is fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. That's an industry term. He seems like he'd tie you up, smack you around, and leave you asking 'Thank you sir, may I have another?'

Two words. 'um...yes.'
Now, casting the naive college student who galls head over heels in love with Christian and with being tied up, Anastasia Steele, is going to be more difficult, it has to be someone who's a fresh-face, but is totally not against doing demeaning nudity and being ball-gagged for the majority of the film. I think Ellen Page is just a bit too annoyingly dignified for that. Once you get an Oscar nomination you all of a sudden see yourself as far too good for kitschy mommy porn. So I'm going to go ahead and nominate Lilly Collins or perhaps Fassbender's former co-star Sarah Gadon, or even Lady Sybil herself, Jessica Brown Findlay. Of course Sarah Gadon would have to put on a stone or two and dye her hair, but she's my favorite in this race, especially considering she's ballsy enough to work with Cronenberg twice already and she's not even 24 yet.
Now, what's really important is who's going to direct it. 

Sarah Gadon just has one of those great faces that screams 'please corrupt me, I'm impressionable and also a virgin' so she's perfect in my opinion.
Off the top of my head, three names that instantly come to mind are Sally Potter, David Cronenberg, and Paul Verhoeven. How amazing would any of those be, but Hollywood being Hollywood they'll probably hire some guy who does second unit on Jersey Shore or turn it over to Tom Hooper who'll make it some cheesy, weepy, clap-trap melodrama about sexual depravity and take all of the filth out of it. Please grow some balls Hollywood and listen to me. I'm praying for a wildly farcical, seriously graphic, campy shit-show, just like it was originally written.

Below, an article on the casting of Christian Grey that has housewives everywhere queefing in their granny-panties.

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