Sunday, September 25, 2011

Which Republican Presidential Candidate to Vote For Based on Looks Alone

Ok, firstly, I know I'm not a political blogger, but guess what the Republican Presidential Debate was broadcast on CNN, MSNBC and FOX News, therefore, it was on television, therefore, it's fair game for me. 
Just to clarify, I'm a registered Democrat, republican politics often make me sick to my stomach, and I think tea partyers are insane. But you couldn't watch the recent Florida debate without going 'hmmm, there's more fake tans and botox on this stage than at a Bachelor Pad reunion special'. I guess the age of Gollum-like frightening republican politicians like Dick Cheney and propped up pseudo-corpses like John McCain and Bob Dole are long over, and the GOP is pumping life back into its party and winning influence the old-fashioned way: by looks alone. I think they got a bit threatened with Obama's natural charm, physical stature, and too-cool-for-school disposition and decided to up the ante. Historically speaking, this is not something new to the world of politics During the 1960 Kennedy/Nixon election, many people believed that Nixon lost by the narrowest margin because he was not nearly as physically appealing as Kennedy, apparently they figured those are the issues bored housewives vote on. 
Every presidential campaign boasts an entourage of hair and make-up people that rival J-Lo's touring staff with hairspray, touch-up, and spray-tan cans at the ready largely due to the advent of HD television. 
With the exception of Ron Paul, who's always looked like a feeble brittle old geezer (even when he was younger) here are the candidates who primp themselves for hours trying to look their best for a debate, and loosing sight of their actual debate skills along the way.

Texas governor Rick Perry (didn't we learn our lesson with electing Texas governors?) has all the charm of Rhett Butler with botox and all the dumb of a confused 2nd grader at a Spelling Bee. When they closed up on his face, it looked so leathery and wrinkled, he looked like a big dried apricot. 
Certified Banana Sandwich Michelle Bachmann taking the Sarah Palin torch and running with it, can't cover up the fact that she's completely outside her mind with Alberto VO5 hot oil and copious amounts of eye-liner seeing here talking about her ridiculous stance against the HPV vaccine. 
With the face of a constipated butler, and the voice of a slow-motion automated answering machine, not to mention political positions that make the staunchest right-winger gasp in horror, Santorum is definitely the joke of this campaign. He stands around looking scared and confused (Andy Samberg nailed it on SNL) and answering every question with the most ridiculous notions his skewed mind can come up with, Santorum reminds us that creepy guy that you always seem to encounter on your way to work, who just stands there and stares at you when you walk by. 
Former Godfather Pizza CEO Herman Cain is kind of on a roll. He won the straw poll, and brings a freshness to the usual stuffy conservative morays. He has a booming deep voice and carries himself with grace. He has sincere face and nice-guy glasses. He's in my opinion the most appealing of the GOP candidates. 
Jon Hunstman looks like the kind of guy who when he was in college was the big man on campus but not bright at all. Sporting a mustard yellow silk tie like he's about to go to a swap meet in the 30's with feathered hair and a fake tan, it's just one giant aesthetic fail. Not to mention that his performance was pretty forgettable as well. 
There are just so many reasons not to vote for Newt Gingrich it's hard to choose just one. But going on looks alone, he does remind me of a live-action Pillsbury dough boy taking crazy pills. Just say no. 
Gary who? Made no impression physically or otherwise. Ultimately forgettable. Nothing remarkable to report one way or the other. Next!
His politics might be sickening, but we can't deny that Mitt Romney is one handsome mofo. He's got the swagger, the prominent brow, and cleft chin down, and reminds me of Charles Bronson kind of. He's not great with the jokes, but he's got charm. He definitely needs to take it easy on the sun tan lotion.
If you're into decrepit, sallow Hugh Hefner-looking types with sunken in cheek bones and liver spots (which I totally do) then vote for Ron Paul. He only looks about 200, and can barely see above the podium, but he's got determination. It's so cute when old people do that. 

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