It finally happened, 11-year-olds and crazy single moms listen up. Justin Bieber finally got arrested for being world class scum of the universe. Nope, not for harassing his girlfriend Selena Gomez, or snorting comical piles of cocaine, or just being a general douche nozzle. It was for something pretty basic in celebrity fuck up land; a DUI. And here's his goddamn mugshot to prove it.
Bra, you are not in a photo booth after a drunken night with friends in West Hollywood you are in jail and can't be released on bail until you sober up, what the fuck are you smiling about?
Not going too far back, another douchy mugshot is that of Bruno Mars when he was caught with possession of cocaine two years ago, nothing to smile about, seriously.
Remember this one peoples? At the peak of the Paris Hilton hate fatwa, skinny bitch goes down for driving with a suspended license and the look on her face says 'I dare you to put me in jail, don't you know who my father/grandfather is?' Guess what, she was put in jail, and as far as I'm concerned her sentence should have been to be eaten by wolves, just for inflicting herself on society.
Back in 1999 sex on legs/Oscar nominated actor Matthew McConaughey got arrested for literally the coolest thing ever. Police responded to a noise complaint at his house and found him nude, stoned, and playing the bongos. First of all, that's a good night, and if it ends in arrest so be it. I guess you really don't mess with Texas, if you can't even get a little high, naked, and mind your own naked bongo business. Fuck that place.
Along those same lines, 'King of Cool' and all around badass Steven McQueen got arrested for I honestly can't remember what, but whatever it was I'm sure it was fucking cool, whether it was smoking a joint in public, crashing a motorcycle or flicking off a cop, more power to you Steve. Oh and yeah, peace brother.
And back to Texas again, this almost unrecognizable stripper turned best-golddigger-on-the-planet got arrested for trying to solicit prostitution. Have you guessed who it is yet? Here's some clues. Married a corpse, inherited all his money, got her own show where she was a hot mess every day, dead by 2007. Seriously c'mon.
We all remember where we were during Hugh Grant-Gate. Picking up a hooker named Divine Brown dispelled this bumbly British guy's loveliness and genteelness. Hot of Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994) with Elizabeth Hurley at home, we all had the same thought; 'What the fuck were you thinking?'
Ol' Blue Eyes got away with quite a lot but as a young Italian street tough on the unforgiving streets of New York, he was busted for carrying a concealed weapon, the mob ties thing came later.
And let's cap it off with the queen of mugshots who's been photographed more often by Los Angeles County than by any magazine out there. And yes people, it's usually vihecular related, whether the usual DUI which is small beans by this point, to crashing into a cyclist/dog/pedestrian and leaving an 'Sorry about that' note on their bleeding corpse, to driving without insurance, to breaking probation, this girl has it down, if she has anything down in life, so I guess...thumbs up?
(L to R: Jax, Stassi, Katie, Lisa Banderpump (sans Jiggy), Tom, Scheana, and Kristen)
Officially could be the worst show on television, in constant competition with Toddlers in Tiaras and Couples Therapy, Vanderpump Rules is really a terrible. Like we needed ANY spinoff of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and in its defense, at least the women on that show are older, somewhat more sophisticated, yes they are swimming in money while the rest of us are trudging by struggling inside a recession, but every season there's a whole new set of superficial drama that actually makes it quite fun to watch. But this show has absolutely no redeeming qualities. It follows quite frankly the most spoiled, entitled, materialistic empty shells of human beings without too many brain cells missing that work at Lisa Vanderpump's West Hollywood hotspot SUR.
Now, I've been to SUR on occasion, and taken a few friends there, the only person from the show that I've ever seen actually working there was Tom Sandoval from the cast and that was ONCE. I'm starting to think that these people don't actually work there at all. Or if they do, they are actors pretending to do so. And the funny thing is, Bravo doesn't ever try to cover up that non-reality part of this reality series. All of them have aspirations of being famous in show business, in the dumbest ways if I might add. Whether it's a recording contract to being auto tuned, to being 'not AS famous as Michael Jackson but close' for whatever the fuck, it's clear that these pretty yet dumb-as-hell people aren't there just to serve and pour wine.
Stassi and Jax, the couple that for some reason are still together even though all they do is fight.
In the last few episodes, surprise surprise, the drama stems from a dirty little secret coming out about one of the pretty boys cheating on one of the pretty girls, and the way it comes out is the most hilarious of moments I've ever seen on reality TV, or on TV for that matter. Stassi, resident bitch on the show, and Anna Torv doppleganger decides to take the 'staff' to Cabo for her birthday and while drunk and topless in a pool confronts her ex, the selfie-king, Jax about a lie he's been keeping secret regarding another male server cheating on his longtime girlfriend...also a server. Draaaaaaaama. And if this show teaches us anything is that ladies, if you are topless, you can get a man to confess to ANYTHING...seriously anything. If you tell him he's actually a woman, he'll say it back to you with conviction.
Kristen, in her signature SUR server's dress posing for a promotional still, but when she's a hot mess (always) it's not that pretty.
Another lesson we learn is that entitled twenty-somethings living in LA playing chicken in the pool while 'average Joe's' as Stassi puts it 'sit behind a desk all day' make really terrible life decisions. Instead of the girl who's being cheated on (Kristen) just walking away with a middle finger out, she decides to stay for the weekend get as drunk as possible, and eventually sleeping with said cheating prick (Tom). And the other girls in the sewing circle get pissed about that, saying she has no self respect. Really girls? Weren't you just on television with your tits hanging out? How much respect are you retaining?
At this point it's beyond me. It's a hard watch. You might want to be close to the bathroom in case you have to puke the last remainder of dinner out dealing with knowing that these kind of people share breathing space with you, but twenty-somethings will be twenty-somethings...until they hit thirty and then they'll still be twenty somethings...because after all, this is LA and you can stay as young, stupid, and irresponsible forever, and not only will you be rewarded for it, you might even get your own show. Biggest life lesson there, kids. Put down the PhD manual and run over to the Louboutin store because no one cares about your mind when you've got 6-inch stiletto heels and a plunging neckline. Oy to the vey.
Are you happy? Let's do this quickly shall we? For the most part it's not that people had on atrocities, it's that most was just blah, but that's because every one is saving their good dresses for the Oscars. And hopefully firing their stylists. Before we go on, there's a designer that made this list a few times. And I just want to tell him openly; Dear Prabal Gurung, your designs are hideous. I hope never to see your gowns on the red carpet again and they run you out of town. Let's start with Worst as always.
Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung. This looks like the inside of a child with severe ADD's mind. It's a full on disaster. It reminds me of projects we had in home-ec when the teacher would give us like three pieces of fabric and tell us to 'create something' with just some manicuring scissors and some chicken wire in less than 5 minutes.
Sanda Bullock in Prabal Gurung. Oh Sandy, Sandy. First of all, plunging necklines, you're too old for that sorry. Your shoes from 1996 are awful and this color blocking looks like this dress got lost between the leather bar and the prom.
Paula Patton in Stephane Rolland (who?). This dress is the very definition of her husband's mind-blowingly annoying hit single 'Blurred Lines', and maybe she was going for the opposite of what the models in that video wear and cover up as much as possible and layer bitch, layer. She could easily be a Hunger Games extra.
Jennifer Lawrence in Dior. The dress that launched a thousand meme's. Dear Jen, you are young and beautiful, curvy and pixie-like you could pretty much pull off anything, and you did so well with Dior last year at the Globes, remember that orange number? Freaking awesome. Stop trying to experiment. This includes experiments with your hair.
Lizzy Kaplan in Emilio Pucci. What the fuck is this? The end.
Lena Dunham in Zac Posen. I hate to hit below the belt here, but we all had to look at this so here goes...I had no idea Zac Posen made dresses in a size 16.
Julie Bowen in Carolina Herrera. She looks like Mrs. Southern Kackalaky, 2014.
Aubrey Plaza in Oscar de la Renta. Lavender and Fuchsia? Somewhere in West Hollywood a gay couple are missing their drapes.
And now on to the best...or the most tolerable.
Emma Thompson. I have no idea who she's wearing but everyone knows she's got Louboutin's on her feet when she threw them off on the stage. You rule lady.
Julia Roberts in Dolce and Gabbana. Usually this would actually make it on my Worst Dressed list. She looks like a secretary from the early 60's, like she walked out of an episode of Mad Men. But you know what? Jules pulls this off. She's getting older and it's time to be a bit more modest, very smart and chic choice.
Kerry Washington in Balenciaga. One of my favorite designers, one of my favorite shows, this is how you rock a baby bump on the red carpet. She's so damn elegant and looks better at 7 months pregnant than a head on a stick sewn into a size double-zero Alexander McQueen.
Lupita N'Yongo in Ralph Lauren. She looks absolutely stunning in this interesting Tom Ford-Gwenyth Paltrow-from the Oscars-two years ago type dress. Very elegant, sexy, and sophisticated.
Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera. The oxblood thing is a beautiful trend, and hopefully we'll see more of it at the Oscars. And for a brunette to pull it off so brilliantly and bring in some vintage looking bedazzling. It really worked for a fashion risk.
Naomi Watts in Tom Ford. Tom Ford has never had a red carpet faux-pas, and there's no one better to carry a beautiful haute-couture gown like Naomi Watts. Blondes look great in silver. Are you listening J-Law?
See not that many. It was kind of a sad year for fashion at the Golden Globes, dear Oscars please redeem us. And for the love of god put something bearable on Jennifer Lawrence so we don't have to pay attention to that smug smile plastered all over the screen.
Smoking and drinking on the fire escape. Definitely a part of my EARLY 20's, not my LATE 20's. Go on the damn balcony. You know what Virginia Woolf book this reminds ME of? None of them!
Finally watched Baumbach's minimalist mumblecore women-constantly-on-their-period flick Frances Ha (2013) and I have no idea how it's appealing at all. Greta Gerwig, although a great actress is reduced to playing a woman whom if I was in college with I would make fun of every day just for not having her shit together. Which might have been cute at like 22 but she's like what 28 in this film?
They still use words like 'd-bags' 'omg I love you', and smoke on the fire escape without the fear of it buckling underneath them and falling to their deaths. It's like seriously enough. Move in with your ugly hipster boyfriend who doesn't shave, make a five year plan, and get a mother-effing job. We're in a recession and don't have time for your menstrual bullshit.
Baumbach can write great characters, no one is questioning that. But can he write relevant ones. The only time that, in my not-so-humble opinion, in which he has done that was in The Squid and the Whale (2005) because he wrote about his own family and the struggles didn't seem pretentious and pointless, they seemed existential and sincere.
Even with a desk job, Hannah can't help from pouting.
Back in the 90's we had middle-aged white man anger and frustration, I guess today's trend is 'twenty-something New York hipster chick in limbo'. That's the giant cash cow. Lena Dunham's pile of Golden Globes is getting larger and larger and likely to continue growing after this Sunday. And perhaps I'm biased but ever since I moved to Los Angeles, I get seriously tired of people in New York who do nothing but to complain about living in New York...here's an idea, fucking move! 'I can't afford Tribeca/NoHo/Morningside Heights' then maybe find some job that pays more than 10$ an hour.
Oh and your ugly, good-for-nothing slacker, jobless boyfriend is giving you a hard time? Break up with him and join eHarmony like the rest of us, or go hang out at a bar near Wallstreet. It's time to stop dreaming and start doing. My life is hard too and don't get me wrong, I'm unhappy. But when I try to complain to my mother she tells me to do two things; 'shut up, and grow up'. (But that could be just her Soviet upbringing talking). Also, the most fascinating thing about a man should not be whether or not he smokes indoors kay??
After a while of Frances Ha (2013) I felt like one of those poor souls at that dinner party that she goes to that have to politely nod and smile as she talks nonsense endlessly and ends it with 'blah..I sound stoned, but I'm not stoned'. It's like thank god she's leaving.
Dear Frances and Hannah, try living my life for one minute. Yeah, I might complain about it with a box of Chardonnay on a Friday night, I mean who knows what I say then? But I'm not going to film it and pitch it to HBO...or to Baumbach for that matter (always had my heart set on Gus Van Sant myself). :P Anyway, seriously, enough. My ears are bleeding. Is this really what Gloria Steinem and the rest fought for and burned their bras for? For privileged white girls to whine about nothing for hours? Just remember what Tina Fey says to Noelle Welles portraying Hannah Horvath in the 'SNL' parody of 'Girls'...'You're 24? What the fuck is wrong with you?'.
We finally got the long awaited premiere of Season 4 of Downton Abbey here in the states after the shocking, and I mean seriously what the hell were you thinking Julian Fellows, shocking death of Cousin Matthew Crawley (Dan Stevens). For those playing the home game you know that the reason for this was because Dan Stevens is an idiot and asked to be written out of his goldmine of a contract so that he could pursue films which are likely to flop and let's face it Downton Abbey is the biggest thing to come out of the UK since Sarah Ferguson. You don't just ask to be written out of it. That's like marrying George Clooney and then asking for a divorce because you think you can 'do better', but you fucking can't so good riddance.
The incredible disappearring Michelle Dockery returns in her role as the now widowed single mum to their baby Master George (no doubt, named after the Royal Baby) and looks pastier, and ghostlier than ever. If I saw her at the top of the stairs I'd run in the opposite direction because that is a succubus daemon about to entrap itself in my head. But hey, we all have our ways of dealing with grief, apparently Cousin Mary's is bulimia and being dead behind the eyes.
Spunky, posh, and blonde, she could easily pass for one of Prince Harry's girlfriends.
But nevermind that, there have been some new shall we say 'loose' additions to Downton Abbey, beginning with slut-in-training and general Zelda Fitzgerald wannabe, Rose MacClare (Lily James) the devil-may-care bouncy blonde who's come from the large Scottish estate we visited in the last season to live with the Granthams because her own family can't handle her anymore, and can you blame them? She's this close to having lovers crawl up to her bedroom via her long blonde locks. And there's no shortage of them, because this twenty something is always in the mood to go out and have a good time, she actually sounds like someone I'd latch unto if I was at Downton because she could save me from the constant and unwavering want to shoot myself in the foot just so I can see some color boredom.
Lady Edith kisses her love in public. We must alert the church elders.
Another lady coming out of her shell this season, might I add, dull, predictable, whiny shell is Lady Edith (Laura Carmichael) surprisingly enough. Without the other two sisters to steal her thunder, she's taken the reigns of the feminine respite in Downton and is continuing to date her (still married) publisher in London, going with him to 'smart restaurants' and finally 'putting some effort' into how she dresses, and you know what peeps? She cleans up nice. I mean I'd hit that now that she's wearing lipstick and strapless gowns. But she soon might follow her love to Germany where he can get a legal divorce considering his current wife is in an asylum, long story...but you know what that means, she's not going to be very comfortable in the next decade.
Edna Braithwaite, the new O'Brien. I smell trouble...and lemonface.
Another addition to the slut squad is Edna Braithwaite (MyAnna Buring) who as you recall was fired from Downton in the last season for hitting on the still grieving Branson....classy. This time she circumvented Mrs. Hughes AND Carson (not an easy feat) and went straight through to Lady Grantham (Elizabeth McGovern) who was in a frantic state to replace her lady's maid when O'Brien up and left suddenly (good riddance, did she ask to be written out of her contract too? Good luck, lemonface). Anyway, now she's back and there's nothing they can do about it downstairs, because she's lady's maid to the lady of the house. She's kind of above everyone, and she's made an important alliance with Thomas (Rob-James Collier) because let's face it, without O'Brien he's just not evil enough anymore. And who knows who she's got her squinty eyes on this time, I bet you she's going to try it on with Lord Grantham (Hugh Bonneville) who you know has a tendency to wander especially among his maid staff.
On a side note, James the model/footman (Ed Speleers) keeps hitting on Ivy the plain Jane kitchen maid (Clara Theobold) and it's unclear whether its for sport or because he loves to see her doting around him and gets her blind drunk one night. Times are a changin' all over the place, and I can only hope that this season of Downton Abbey is saucier than every, I mean we are in the Roaring Twenties after all. Spice things up a bit Julian!
Music enjoyed quite the spotlight in not just its idiom with the barely there videos for Blurred Lines and Wrecking Ball, but also in cinema as well. Just in trailers, filmmakers and their editing team showed us they're still hipsters at heart and though the film itself might have an original score, they are going to draw you in with some hip indie shit so you'll watch their hip indie film.
August: Osage County (2013) even got on the bandwagon, where I'm sure some idiot was thinking ok, a film about domestic dispute and general tension within a family, where have we seen that before? The Lumineers! They're not annoying the shit out of the whole population yet (yes they are) get them on the phone...worked for Silver Linings Playbook (2012), so what if it's 2 years later and no one cares nor ever wants to hear another song by The Lumineers ever again (can you say overexposed?) let's stick that in the trailer. I'm sure Meryl draped against the background of a light-hearted Lumineers ditty will convince people that this is actually a pretty dark story about a family falling apart with a biting comic edge. They'll think it's a fun flick for the whole family to enjoy. I'll take morons for 300 Alex.
I could literally hear every song Sleigh Bells ever wrote over this image.
But everyone else seemed to have the right idea, even people that do nothing but accentuate the soundtrack, never bothering to hire someone to write an original score so that the whole world is force fed their exceptional knowledge of music in general. I'm talking to you Sofia Copolla. Every single goddamn film of hers is saturated with indie hits and long forgotten tunes from eras we no longer care about just so that people can leave the film going 'wow, that was a really long music video we just sat through', but even I was on board after watching both the teaser and the trailer for The Bling Ring (2013) against which the punishing beats of Sleigh Bells were 'ringing'. I was like fuck it, I'll watch the damn thing; I mean it really was the perfect track for a film about spoiled LA trust fund babies going on a robbing spree in the Hollywood Hills, I was even watching the film mouthing the words 'set set that crown on the ground...bitches' I ad libbed that last part.
Blue is the Warmest Color (2013) didn't disappoint either, it's a dark Euro film filled with heightened emotion, lots of shakey steady-cam, and lady-tears, don't get me wrong, I loved it, and they did choose the best artist to sing in the background of all of this draaaama in the trailer; miss Lykke Li. The new Bjork as it were. She's Euro, she's emotional, she's saturated in feminist lyricism, and haunting grooves, she's perfect, and her song 'I Follow Rivers' which was used in the trailer was pitch perfect to describe the film to me in a matter of two minutes.
Not only does Harmony Korine give us a glimpse into Alien's headspace, but his ipod shuffle too.
But as ever, the winner this year is (surprise, surprise) Harmony Korine, I'm sorry I know you know by now my feelings about Spring Breakers (2013), but I'm going to sing it's praises once again. Perhaps the best use of music this whole year, combining a chilling and ominous score with some iconic pop ballads and new hits from edgy artists like Skrillex and Gucci Mane (one of the actors in the film btdubs) was bloody brilliant. In the trailer, it begins with the girls just talking about making it to Spring Break, and getting 'the fucking money' to get there, and once they do, crank up the Gucci Mane as they twerk up on each other and ride scooters like champions into St. Pete's. Gangsta's fo life. Once James Franco shows up, they change it up to a dark remix by Skrillex, which jumps with the clips from the film; from the surreally magical to the deeply horrific. It worked on me immediately. It's perhaps the trailer of the year. (Although I was a big fan of Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013)) TRAILER-WISE.
Here's a film that really fucked up on their trailer...Inside Llewyn Davis (2013), excellent film, what the fuck, trailer? Instead of using original music from the film (which one would argue was smart as it would give too much away and lord knows that the Coen Brothers are awesome with music considering O Brother, Where Art Though? (2003) made more on the soundtrack than the film did itself) but instead they went for a little known Bob Dylan ballad called 'Farewell' and considering the topic of the film, in Eisenstenian theory (calm down bleeding heart film students), one would assume this is some kind of 'based on actual events' retelling of Bob Dylan's life a la I'm Not There (2007) not a totally original piece about a folk singer living in New York with a ginger cat trying to make it by during the neo-bohemian scene and resurgence of folk music in the West Village. I would still elect to use original music from the film, or at least part of the score, just nothing as recognizable like Dylan because that's going to confuse people, so fail there Coen Brothers, but not to worry the film still kicked major ass. Well...that's about it for me, I mean the trailer for Gravity (2013) was smart in using classical music, a lesson learned from Lars Von Trier I'm sure, considering there's I believe little to no music in the film at all, and classical music always heightens up the drama, I mean I think I've heard Mozart's requiem used over 20 times in trailers from the past 2 years alone. So anyway enjoy your new iTunes purchases and I'll leave you with the trailers and maybe some music videos. Cheers!
Let's get shit straight. I've seen almost all of the big contenders for this year's Oscars, and I know that Spring Breakers (2013) is so goddamn controversial it won't even be nominated for the bullshit MTV Movie Awards, but you know what? In 1969 Midnight Cowboy won Best Picture, and it was Rated X, back when they had a 'Rated X' title and not a bullcrap NC-17 title.
Remember a time when a film about a man-whore and a drug dealer won Best Picture? Me neither.
Yes, 12 Years a Slave (2013) is a masterpiece and if you read my blog you know I sing its praises, but for crap's sake people, if you look back on what defined our culture of the past year, Spring Breakers has got to be in there. It basically encapsulated not only our sad state as idiots in limbo in an unforgiving world in the midst of a financial crisis, war, and recession, but also basically touched on what that has reduced us to as human beings. And it does it in such a profound and unapolagetic bite-your-tongue and slap-your-cheek way that it's impossible to overlook it's relevance.
All of the 'against-type casting was genius, we all knew Franco would jump on the bandwagon, but it was surprising to see Disney moguls like Hudgens and Gomez partake, I guess they're smarter than we thought.
Yes, 12 Years a Slave is a history peice full to the brim of great performances so it will probably take home the top honors, and Spring Breakers won't even be looked at seriously because it's cynical, full of transgression, nudity, and hedonism, (all of which the Academy frowns upon) but mostly I believe that it will be ignored because it's a blatant spit in the face/middle finger to society and all of the 'social norms' that we accept in order to convince ourselves that we are good people when we are soooooo not. There is no redemption, ascention, or even any kind of forgiveness to this movie. It's brutal, farcical, and violent as fuck. At least with 12 Years, while being violent as fuck as well, it portrays the violence as if to say; hey remember white people, this is something that actually happened. In Spring Breakers, the violence comes from a totally unnecessary and non-sensical place. It's violence for the sake of violence, and that is something that we as a society can't understand, so why should we expect the Academy to?
My favorite contemporary filmmaking genius, yes above Aronofksy, Fincher, Cuaron, Bigelow etc. An auteur among pretenders.
But here's the thing, it fucking happens all the time, and it's incomparably painful. Harmony Korine in all of his genius is utilizing every aspect that defines our stupid contemporary culture to bring it to it's massive decaying zenith and throwing it back into your face as if to say 'this is all that's left of you, pathetic morons' and he does it so effortlessly and subliminally that yes, he deserves not only an Oscar but a fucking parade in his honor. Why? Because he's the only one brave to do so. His films never end on a high note, they always end with people walking out going '...why' and then having a few shots and reflecting on it thinking 'fuck, we really ARE that horrible as a species'.
He doesn't give you any answers...much like Spike Lee always refused to, and do you know why? Because some times in life there are no fucking answers ok people? Sometimes we all do stupid shit and get into trouble for the bad choices we make, and no one is responsible for it but ourselves. Some times we don't win, and some times we don't triumph, and sometimes life is shit until the bitter end. But the genius of Korine reminds us that until we get to that bitter end there are some absolutely fucking amazing moments that though irrational, we know we all have in ourselves to act upon and that's what's so goddamn scary. And...that's exactly why the Academy won't give him shit this year. They will never admit that they are not the classy, robustly moral, paragons of this brave new world, when we all know that of course they are not, and neither are we. So all I can really say is; Thank you, Harmony, don't ever stop pushing our hypocrisies right back into our stupid bloated faces until we choke on it like we deserve to. Thank you sir.
Darling of the British theater, and British cinema in general and overall well-respected actor Ben Whishaw to replace Sacha Baron Cohen in Queen bio-pic, he actually does resemble Freddie in his younger years.
I don't know if ya'll have heard, but beloved prankster and general threat to the peace and quiet of our dull society, Sacha Baron Cohen has been officially replaced with chameleon androgynous, is he gay, is he bisexual, skinny tie aficionado Ben Whishaw. I have mixed feelings. I remember telling my mom like way back when Borat (2005) first hit theaters that Sacha Baron Cohen was going to get cast as Freddie Mercury in the eventual bio-pic of his life which has been in the works mmmmm 20 years. I almost got thrown out of a moving car, but hey it made so much sense, still does.
Not only was the resemblance uncanny, but Sasha had the charisma in order to carry a role like that if not the acting pedigree, but that can be taught, as can those crazy high notes.
Why not? He's charismatic, he's outrageous, he's tall and basically looks a great deal like the legendary glam rock front man of my favorite band in the whole world. And after Les Miserables (2012) we all know he can sing, probably not like Freddie, because let's face it, no one can, but there's auto-tune for that. The look of Freddie was actually what worried me the most because no one has looked like that before or since, and I'm not talking about the black glitter fingernail polish nor the outrageous caped spandex onesies, or even the later mustached tight eighties dad jeans, with the leather bands everywhere look either, just the face, and that crazy mouth of his that he basically could unhinge like a snake so that he could hit all of those crazy notes. Also, Sacha's British, and when you hear him speak his dialectical accent is almost identical to Freddie's so I basically you know thought...mission accomplished. It will be great for him too, he'll be able to show off his acting range, and you know everyone and their mother would pay overpriced tickets at the multipex to watch Borat sing 4 bars of 'Seven Seas of Rye'.
Then again looks and personality similarities aren't everything. An icon like Mercury is always going to be almost impossible to cast for.
So who do we have instead? Ben Whishaw from Skyfall (2012) fame, Hamlet on stage fame, and general British pouty lipped fame. I have a feeling they went to the totally opposing side of the spectrum. My friend is telling me that Queen (all both of them) fought really hard to get Sascha removed from the project as to not have their name 'sullied', seriously? And they decided to instead cast the most existentially sensitive crier in cinema today? Ok I'll bite. I'm curious to see it. After all, Whishaw is a hell fo an actor, though he's going to have to beef up considerably even though when Freddie and Queen started out first in the early 70's, he was pretty svelte, but Whishaw always looks like he just conquered a hunger strike. I still have somewhat of an amount of faith in this casting decision because Whishaw has a quiet fire to him; you're never really sure what he's capable of, and even though he seems to lack the charisma on the surface, considering how outgoing and extroverted Freddie Mercury was, he will definitely hit those high dramatic notes without effort, so I say more power to him, but that doesn't mean I still won't be imagining what it would have been like had Sacha been in the role, and hey if the movie as a whole sucks to high heaven, I'll start writing my own version the minute I get back home, and guess who would be my first casting choice?
I'll leave you with some music videos: They are my favorite band after all:
Poster for Catching Fire (2013) 'More pouting Jennifer!'
I guess it all started a few years back when Keira Knightly was on every billboard dressed in little but leather straps standing next to Clive Owen who's wielding a giant sword in promo's for the awfully executed King Arthur (2004). They had the audacity to fuck with Arturian legend so much that they made Guinevere a leather-clad pouty lipped borderline porn star who shoots to kill with her rickety bow and arrow.
Basically this suggests that women when put into ancient fighting situations can't do much in terms of strength, as in they're not good with a sword, ball and chain, or any medieval weaponry but damn it are they accurate at shooting a bow and arrow, that's how them bitches defend themselves. Is this a feminist concept or is it pandering? Probably the latter, because I've taken archery courses (Jew camp, 1996) and I sucked at it, it's way harder than it looks people. But apparently all a girl's got to do is work up some estrogen courage, breath in and release (no pun intended) she'll hit her mark every time. Right in the perp's heart where the arrow belongs. Take that fake vikings.
promo still for King Arthur (2004) Look familiar?
Right now of course the huge deal is Jennifer Lawrence as the 'good at hunting' Katniss Everdeen, and driving past a billboard for Catching Fire (2013) this morning I couldn't help but notice that she's angled in almost the exact same way as Keira was, with her hair blowing in the wind, and her airbrushed face focused on whatever she's aiming at, and for some reason, even though we all know that the tributes of the hunger games wear plenty of clothes to protect themselves and keep themselves warm while they try to you know not get killed, she's barely wearing anything. Mulvey would have a field day with this. It is the utmost in visual pleasure and castration theory, for all you know boys, she could be pointing that thing right at your balls. And watch out then because Katniss never misses her mark.
Evangeline Lilly as Tauriel in the upcoming Hobbit film. She does not look awesome.
And what do we have coming up next? The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013) where a new character is introduced as a love interest for Legolas (the archer elf) who let's face it might as well be a girl. But no, it's Kate Austen I mean...Evangeline Lilly as Tauriel another goddamn archer elf. I mean, do elves do anything else? Or is it like a rule they made up in MiddleEarth; Dwarves only get axes, humans use swords, hobbits get comically tiny swords that glow in the dark, and elves get the gayest attire ever complete with a bow and arrow.
Behind the scenes of Catching Fire (2013) I do believe Jennifer's bow has gotten bigger. It's like when you're given a bigger gun to use in the sequel than you had in the original. I remember the late great Steve McQueen used to complain about that on the set of The Magnificent Seven (1960) saying that Yul Brynner's gun was bigger than his and he wanted something done about it. Nothing ever was.
Why is it that women get to defend themselves only with bows and arrows, is it because it's the ancient version of a gun which is really sexy for a woman to know how to use. But it's usually in the sense that 'awww how cute, she knows how to aim and shoot a gun...ouch!' Or have we given too many guns to women in films of late. I mean, in The Heat (2013) Sandra Bullock literally shoots a man (Taran Killam) in the dick. Did I just give the movie away, sorry about that (not). So now we need something more subdued, something sexier, and just as deadly. Nun chucks and throwing stars are clearly out because they have a nerd derivative, and women need something elegant and yet sexy, also we all know that woman have terrible arm thrust capacity so swords are out as well, but we all know women are smart and can concentrate so a bow and arrow seem perfectly logical, makes them less passive and gives them something to do, but while we're at it, let's dress them in half of what they should be wearing and give them long wavy hair. It's a new cinematic symbol, and trust me, it won't be long until Tarantino works this into one of his films, even though it's going to be completely anachronistic and thereby won't make any sense, but let's face it, what DOES make sense in a Tarantino film. If Zero Dark Thirty (2012) wasn't directed by a woman, I'm sure Jessica Chastain would have been walking the halls of the CIA with one. Ok that might be too unbelievable a conjecture, but you can't deny the fact that a bow and arrow adds to a woman's hottness factor these days. It's a recent trend but it looks like it will be around for a while. Gives totally new meaning to the term 'sex as a weapon' doesn't it?
Trailers below and some Zizek for you Film Studies buffs out there:
