Let Them Eat Cake

Jennifer Aniston as the newly suffering Claire, tries to find salvation in all the wrong places.

Cake (2014) starring Jennifer Aniston and an everything-but-the-kitchen-sink supporting cast including husband and wife team Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy, Anna Kendrick, Chris Messina, and Sam Worthington is a film I avoided. I heard a few things here and there about how Jen should have been nominated, but that's about it. It was there and then it disappeared. When it reappeared on Netflix, I took a bite (pun intended) and I really did love it. 

As a movie, it IS flawed. The script is very thin, and the premise is somewhat ridiculous. What carries the film is the performance of Aniston, and the character of Silvana, Aniston's character's long-suffering maid (played brilliantly by Adriana Barraza). It opens on one of those scenes where all of the exposition is right there. At some kind of support group, so we already know that Aniston's character; Claire is or has gone through something. We notice that she's covered in scars and barely moves and is addicted so much to pain killers she makes her maid drive her to Tijuana for refills when her doctors finally cut her off. It's not hard to figure out what actually happened, and even though the film tiptoes around that reveal, what it does do is offer some amazing albeit off-putting nuances about grief, suicide, hopelessness, loss, and redemption. This isn't Shawshank, but in it's simplicity it finds its niche.  

Desperate for company but loathing the idea of being around other people. Who hasn't had that paradox?

Now I don't get personal too often but there are aspects of Claire that I completely understood from the minute the film started playing. I understand why she's so resistent to help and treatment and what she sees as people telling her what to do, moreover what she sees as people who don't know what she's going through telling her how to get better.

She shuns everyone, except for an apparition of a girl from her support group who killed herself who doesn't appear as a friendly ghost filled with wisdom but taunts her about her selfishness and about how crass and self-serving her attitude is and how it is hurting those who love her. Many times people who have experienced trauma and loss want to dig a hole and cover it up after them, be alone, and shun everyone around them. They drown their sorrows because they don't see how it could possibly get better, and a lot of us are alienated by that. Which is totally understandable. 

During the climactic scene of the film, Claire's hallucination finally offers up some sage advice that ends up turning Claire's attitude around. 

Aniston's growth as an actress has never been more prevalent and transparent than in this role, which she wasn't even the first choice for. And what she brings to the internal transformation of Claire is so much more honest than any episode of Intervention that you might catch on A&E, though her problem is not drugs, it's only a symptom of her depravity. Of course the resolution to this kind of story is written into the script within the first 5 minutes; They will figure all of that out and change their ways, which does happen but not in the cliche way we've all grown tired of. There are some insanely funny scenes that perhaps shouldn't be, and the surreal aspect of it doesn't seem to mesh well, but then after a while, you get it, even though again, the script is pretty thin. It's a mediocre film effort, but for one reason or another I enjoyed it. I identified with the characters, (all of them) and though there's barely a plot, it does work. As I said, it's not a story about redemption, nor is it a story about the human condition in the Jean-Paul Sartre way as in we're all dying what's the point? It's just about people, the worst of us and the best of us, and how both incarnations are inside each of us at all times. It's streaming on Netflix, I'd recommend it but with caution. 

Films To Stream This Weekend to Celebrate SCOTUS Decision

All streaming on Netflix. You're welcome.

1. PARIS IS BURNING 

2. I AM DIVINE 

3. THE BIRDCAGE

4. EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF QUEER AS FOLK

5. BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR 

6. VITO 

7. YOSSI & JAGGER 

8. OUTRAGE 

9. JOHN WATERS: THIS FILTHY WORLD 

10. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT

Take the Trash Out: Replace Brandi and Kim with Gigi and Bella!

Gigi (Left) and Bella (Right) Hadid seriously take the best instagrams in the world. Were there Oscars for that they would clean up.

So Thursday news broke that not only was Kim Richards (Hot Mess Express, lying alcoholic bitchface) was fired from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but Brandi Glanville (resident legs-for-days, loud-mouthed, also-kind-of-a-drunk) would be leaving the Bravo studios with their last paychecks.

Now, every one is probably all see ya never about the whole thing, but I’m in a bit of a quagmire. A network that didn’t stop filming this franchise when one of the house-husbands hangs himself and blames it on the show in his suicide note is going to fire two ‘troublemakers’ urly? Isn’t that your bread and butter Bravo?

Kyle finally snapped, granted I can't believe it took her this long, and with surrogate mother, Lisa Vanderpump holding her hand, she told her sister to basically fuck off out of her life, good riddance Kim. 

Basically what you’ve just done was make the show highly boring. I’m sure Season 6 (yes, that’s how far the Beverly Hills franchise has come) will be a total snooze fest. I’m glad to have the additions of Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson, because as former soap opera stars, they know how to bring the drama without being hot messes, so they are my bastions of hope. Coupled with the mother hen and definitive foundation of the show, classiest bitch on the planet, and the glue that holds this shit show together; Lisa Vanderpump, maybe there’s hope. 

Kyle, the long suffering younger sister of Kim who has been taking care of said evil bitch and her oh so obvious drug and alcohol problems since she was basically a teenager and has to deal with the guilt that she never had those problems, she married well and has a beautiful family, and got more in her mother’s will than Kim did can finally break free from the diamond chains. At the last reunion, none of us really went in watching liking Kyle too much, because she’s self-richeous and passive aggressive. But then we saw how Kim bullied her sister and had probably been doing so for decades we all went team Kyle especially when she finally cracked, broke into tears and yelled ‘You’re so fucking mean! Just leave me alone!’ Draaaaaama. Now who are we going to yell that at? As mentioned before Lisa Vanderpump, her husband Ken, and her alopecia-inflicted toy Pomeranian Giggy are just too classy to give any fucks whatsoever.

Let's be honest, at first we thought these two buckets of botox drenched in chardonnay were kind of fun, but now it's like  the Witches of Eastwick, I say that because Kim (on the left) starred in that movie, oh the irony.

Here’s my few cents. The other pillar of the Beverly Hills franchise that entered the scene in Season 3 was Dutch beauty, former model, hotter than the sun itself, take no bullshit, Martha Stewart-esque, flower collecting, Master Cleanse obsessed Yolanda Foster. Quick history. She lives in a Malibu palace, she’s married to 80-time (no exaggeration) Grammy award winning producer David Foster and her two oldest daughters are literally the most famous models in the world right now. Again, no exaggeration. Want that life? Yeah we all do. And she worked her ass off for it. She hates drunk women, exercises 5 hours a day, and reminds every member of her family how much she loves them on a daily basis. She’s the person to model your life after. So anyway, with all that swagger, she’s still kind of boring because she’s just too perfect, and also she might reject another season because poor thing has been suffering from Lyme disease for 3 years now.

The ridiculously gorgeous Yolanda Foster with husband David Foster. You didn't think a woman who looked like that would have amazingly hot spawn?

Her daughters from her first marriage; Gigi and Bella Hadid are insane, ok? They are gorgeous.  Every time you drive by a billboard in LA or walk into any boutique in New York, you’ll see either one of them on foam board. And yes it’s all-natural, they just have amazing genes. It’s like could you be more annoyingly and ridiculously perfect? Fuck you.

Tall, rich, and adorable. Basically perfect. You want to hate them but you just can't. (Yolanda in the middle with Gigi on her left and Bella on her right)

Anyway!! David Foster’s two grown girls from another marriage (he’s got like 12 kids from previous marriages) have their own redundant and short-lived MTV show called Barely Famous, or Barely Legal, some fucking shit I don’t know. MAKE A SHOW ABOUT BELLA AND GIGI, and nix the Beverly Hills franchise all-together. When people are getting too drunk to be on Bravo, you’ve got a problem, mister. I’m pointing a finger at you Andy Cohen. Maybe don’t have so many open bars or staged ‘dinner parties’ it’s like being fired from Guns ‘n Roses for being too drunk. You’re about to sink. You’ve got assets thanks to Yolanda (our hope, our light, our savior in heaven) use them!

Let's see if I can find interesting clips if I did, they're below:

Below two intros the first from 3 the second from season 4, how things have changed. You can literally see Brandi's dark side come out in 30 seconds. 

Matthias...Say It Loud and There's Music Playing

Well, hello there. 

Congrats ladies, there’s a new foreign piece of man candy to obsess over with a rugged stubble and an accent to die for. Move over Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba, and Mads Mikklesen, there’s a new brooding foreign boy in town, with the piercing eyes of the cover-boy of a harlequin romance novel, the street-tough mannerisms of the angriest FIFA player on the losing team of the last game and the tenderness of a Euro-hunk can express just with his eyes. Woah, my bra just snapped open.

Also...Hai.

I speak to you now of a man so hot, his name is literally unpronounceable, because if you could just say it, it would be a Beetlejuice kind of scenario; the heavens would clash, the sky would grow dark, Avril Lavigne’s face would appear as A GIANT APPARITION CRYING TEARS OF BLOOD AND SHE’D RECITE THE GOOD WILL HUNTING SCREENPLAY AND DARKNESS WOULD COVER THE LAND UNTIL THE END OF TIME. Ok I went too far didn’t I? I’m speaking to you now of the little known-about to be as huge as my black eye-liner collection star of films like Rust and Bone, Bullhead, and the upcoming: A Little Chaos opposite Kate Winslet? Haven’t figured it out yet or at least wikipedia’d it? That’s because you’re stupid. I speak to you now of…Matthias Schoenaerts (Phew, nothing happened).

Some promo art for A Little Chaos. Long hair, check, frilly shirt, check, eyes that stare into your very soul...check.

He has a well-deserved Cesar award for ‘Most Promising Hot Euro Dude’ I’m sure that’s exactly what the award translates into from French. And it's well-deserved. He’s on the cusp people; he’s about to blow up a la Cumberbatch so I’d put dibs on him like now. I would, but you know he lives in Belgium and I’m in New York, I mean that’s a bitch of a commute. But I think it would be worth it don't you?

Apparently, he also happens to speak English perfectly. But let’s hope that doesn’t work against him and make him you know, ordinary and stuff. You want your brooding mysterious European guys to stay brooding, mysterious, and European. Let’s admit it ladies, we just don’t like it when males speak. 

Because this happens to every girl every damn time (Fuck my life)

So watch out for him in period pieces coming up. (GAWD is there anything hotter?) I mean take Fassbender for example. Yes, he was unbelievable as the barely clothed ‘I like it rough’ love interest for the teenage protagonist in Fish Tank but how much more did you want him when he was running in slow motion, hair all in disarray, covered in sweat in 300? Ok bad example. But you get the idea. Ladies, we just all went men to strap on a sturdy pair of pantaloons, skip through a field of gilly flowers, take off their top hat, and bow to us; using the term ‘m’lady’ all the while. I know I just mixed about 6 time periods, but let’s admit that’s a secret fetish of ours. And soon you’ll see Matthias Schoenaerts (duck and cover!) in two films as such; A Little Chaos and Far From a Maddening Crowd. Don’t worry they don’t have him there just raking hay for the horses in the stable, jesus I can’t escape cheap sex fantasy cliché’s can I? So sue me. Anyway, he plays the chief love interest in both, and that’s just the start.

Here’s to much more to come (no pun intended…pun fully intended who are we kidding?) Trailers below.

Did You Watch the Season Finale of Southern Charm? I Did!

Cameran is not impressed.

One of the many guilty pleasures slated on the Bravo Network is Real Housewives and Alcoholics of the South…excuse me, Southern Charm. And is it ever a guilty pleasure. Even an Ivy League grad that is a few steps ahead of you in the life game will tell you they turn on at least one of the Real Housewives franchise once a week, but no one will willingly admit to watching Southern Charm, well guess what…I will.

Bravo very cleverly marketed the first season as not your ‘child pageant, duck calling, moonshining show’, because that’s what was beyond cash cowing TV up last year. Also, it became to represent The South to us normal people above the Mason-Dixon line. They were like; guess what America there’s culture down there. And culture as defined by Bravo is people with a six-figure  bank account, a pretty serious penchant for alcohol, and general sluttiness or douche-baggery. So they found 6 people, and anyone who knows anything about the Reality TV cannon knows that that’s the magic number of people to follow. Remember Jersey Shore? Otherwise it’s too any people to shower with your precious attention. This season, they added another character and she was worth more drama than all of them combined. Here’s how else things have changed for the privileged class of Charleston, SC.

Season 2 cast. L to R (Craig, Cameran, Landon, Shep, Thomas, Katherine, and Whitney) the only one missing? Jenna. Guess her sugar daddy made her move to New York to pay for all those Louboutins.

Cameran – The designated ‘voice of reason’ slash uberhottie slash mother hen of the group got married and in her own words was no longer interesting. Yeah, Cameran I’d like to take it a step further and call you a full on walking snooze fest. There was some b-roll of you getting wasty-pants election night, but that’s about it. No one wants to hear how you don’t actually cook for your husband and buy pre-bought food, unless perhaps I had just been lobotomized. Then maybe.

The pride of Charleston. L to R A trust fund baby (Shep), a douche canoe (Whitney), and an alcoholic failed lawyer (Craig). Yum.

Shep – The overgrown manchild is still really, really ridiculous. His logic is so flawed you’d want to kill yourself if he wasn’t so darn cute and articulate. A self-proclaimed over-educated under-motivated trust fund brat is still 35 and womanizing, it’s getting sad. But he did buy a house and his own restaurant, just so his brother wouldn’t one-up him, not because he actually found interest in anything. Here’s to dying alone, Shep!

Craig – Oy to the vey. Last year Craig was the glimmer of hope, the one with an actual job (gasp!) not living off a trust fund, working in a law firm, studying for the bar, though his hissy fits about ‘bro-code’ didn’t win him any extra points. This season, he was sliding down that success ladder so fast I’m shocked that he’s not splintered all over. Busting out with a huge drinking problem, and serious FOMO, Craig told Cameran that ‘girls are his favorite pursuit’ and even after losing his prestigious job at a reputable law firm, he still hadn’t bottomed out. VIP status at the best clubs South of Broad was more important than the Bar Exam.

Senator Thomas Ravenel (aka T-Rav) – The borderline creepy pedophilic senator with a blemished past (convicted felon to be specific…for drug trafficking to be even more specific) finally became a father. That 21 year old he was courting through season 1? That’s the baby mama. Oh did I mention that he was 51? Do you see some red flags? Anywho, chasing a pipe dream he decided to run against Lindsey Graham for the SC Senate seat. Urly? He came in at 4% but not before dumping said baby mama on facebook and being slapped with assault charges by her hairdresser. Accept defeat Senator. When everyone’s saying that you’re dead it’s time to lie down.

Kinda sad it didn't work out between these two despite the 29 year age gap. As Landon put Katherine's situation. She's a 22 year old unwed mother in Charleston, she has no choice but to try to make it work.

Katherine Dennis – She’s the new edition. Right after stirring up serious drama in the first season and sleeping with the entire main cast, she set her sights on Thomas and secured regular status on the show. Shedding that baby weight as if it melted off of her in a hot shower, and getting rid of that ridiculous clown hair, the 22 year old new mom proved to be an emerging face of maturity and grace even though in the end she lost, she actually won…our respect that is. Sorry, senator.

Landon….something – She’s pretty forgettable and perhaps the most shrill person on TV ever. After a messy divorce (gasp! No one in Charleston gets divorced, they weather the storm and eventually end it violently) she moved back to SC to get moving on her life as a single girl again, but most of it was lamenting about her married life and how no one in her family will accept that she chose to walk away, brave but again kinda boring. The shrill thing didn’t help.

Whitley Sudler-Smith – And finally circling back to the center of the shrubbery maze is this half a person half the world’s biggest douche-canoe. Hipster-elitist piece of sweaty dogshit that also serves as exec producer of the show is only interesting because he shows up every episode with his giant spoon and stirs the pot. Giving the senator last year so much flack for dating a 21 year old, Whitney choked on his own medicine dating someone even younger when he’s not much younger than T-Rav (you confused yet?) His only endearing quality is his mother, who’s even crazier than him but in a fabulous way. Just picture Norma Desmond with 8 Hermès bags and a Southern accent. Patricia, I love you but can you replace your son on the show? Let’s make it happen.

Season 2 Sneak Peek below: