Our Least Important and Most Overdone Spectacle of Celebrity Excrement Happened Last Night

Ahhh the iconic moon man. Or as I like to call it; World's dumbest conception of an award statue

Let's be honest, who watches the VMA's anymore? I mean really. When was the last time you watched The Peoples Choice Awards, or the Teen Choice Awards, or The Tony's, or the SAG Awards...I could keep going. We all know they peaked with Britney writhing around on stage with a ten foot snake draped around her shoulders. Now, that was a moment of TV history. But now that Gaga, Nikki Minaj, and Miley Cyrus have taken over, might as well switch over to and watch Breaking Bad like a damn adult. You've done it, you've outgrown the VMA's and realized that statues of little moonmen and over-the-top scenery just isn't cutting it for you these days. I mean remember when like Nirvana played the VMA's, or Nine Inch Nails, or when Lil' Kim showed up with a half suit and a purple pasty over one of her boobs? Those were moments. I noticed them starting to waver after Gaga dangled half naked from a crystal chandelier with blood dripping down her face. Not all that interesting really. 

The good ol' days.

Also, most of the time, when you're watching them, (especially if you're over 25) you know, don't watch them. But if you are, you are constantly asking yourself the same question 'who the fuck is this?' Some journalist in all of his wisdom once called the award show 'The Oscars for Youth'. You pigfucker. Youth still watch the Oscars thank you very much, and at least we all know who's nominated, and the spectacle is somewhat interesting, and the hosts are usually good (discounting Jon Stewart, he was a bit blah when he hosted, as was Seth MacFarlane). But give me Billy Crystal and his 'Oscar Opening Theme' any day over this over-hyped shitshow. Nothing faintly shocking has happened on that show since drunkface Kanye snatched the moonman from American Sweetheart Taylor Swift. I mean that was hiiiiiilarious. And also made the show quasi-watcheable.

Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus perform summer's biggest rape anthem, 'Blurred Lines'....gross.

No one wants to see Miley and Robin Thicke duet Blurred Lines. Any grown up with half a brain can enjoy the fun beat whilst wondering to him or herself how people are so not catching on to the misogyny and basically rapey lyrics this fun tune encapsulates. And we haven't wanted to see Katy Perry perform since well ever, and she's the one that always wins VMA's. If that tells you anything right there, it's that we shouldn't watch them. Because I don't want to live in a world where Katy Perry is successful. Just read her rider. Seriously read it. I heard that Bruno Mars performed 'Gorilla' and that's actually my favorite song of his new album so that I would have liked to see, but I watched the so called N Sync reunion, and it was barely even a thing. I mean it looks like those guys were just happy to be on stage again while they didn't even have a spotlight on them. It was...sad. 

Nsync reunites. But mostly Justin does a medley of count this, 7 of his songs, so basically they were like stage filler, or his back up dancers how ever you want to see it.

So JT picked up most of the awards (shocker), but Bruno Mars walked away with a couple, and Janelle Monae finally got a moon man, and yet this is all still very underwhelming. I mean I'm yawning as I'm writing this, so basically there you have it. If you're over 25 shame on you for watching, and if you're under 25....shame on you for watching. You shouldn't be watching anything that mentions One Direction, unless you're someone's retarded cousin. Was that too harsh?

Below, some of MY favorite moments from years past to make myself feel better. 

Affleck as Batman? It's Time for the Lamest Riot Ever.

Ok let me just start off with saying, I'm not into comics and really don't know much about Batman outside how I've seen him in the movies. Also let me preface this with saying that it's not even 9:30am and I've heard almost 15 jokes about Matt Damon being Robin, so can we not talk about that at all? (The Matt Damon part I mean, like that has any relevance) So news broke today that Ben Affleck will be the new Batman in the Man of Steel sequel and social media erupted with Affleck backlash, the likes of which we haven't seen since Lindsay Lohan got cast as Elizabeth Taylor. First of all, can everyone please calm the fuck down? It's actually a pretty sound decision considering, and here's why. Out of all the iconic Batman's I'm of the firm opinion, and I might have just put a target on my back, that Christian Bale's is down there with worst. The only reason the Nolan Batman films are any good is because of the villains (discounting Anne Hathaway), not because of Bale's Clint Eastwoody existential deadpan performance. Bale as an actor is very versatile, he can go from playing a superficial sociopath in American Psycho (2000) to playing a malnourished, tortured soul in The Machinist (2004), to a crack-addled good-for-nothing walking disaster in The Fighter (2011). We are all aware of his capabilities. Apparently though, when he puts on the rubber suit with ears, he becomes basically a fucking robot. I mean like no delivery whatsoever, even when he's not the caped crusader you might as well be acting opposite a mannequin. You know how I can tell his acting is not up to par? It's because he's not even the star of his own movie, he just moves along with the plot like 'well this might as well happen'. No one talks about Bale when the movie is over, it's all about OMG Heath Ledger, or OMG Tom Hardy, or OMG Chritopher Nolan uses wayyyyy too many cuts. Anyway! I was always underwhelmed to say the least at Bale's Batman, not that I expected him to chew the scenery and get all Hamlet on the mofo, not that there was any opportunity to do that because the writing was let's admit it, banal at best. 

Take it easy on the intensity Bale, no one is asking you to rip 15 phone books in half.

You would expect someone like Bale to seriously step it up considering his CV as an actor but he held back, and not in that good subtle way that wins people Academy Awards. 

Now, on to Affleck, he isn't exactly Marlon Brando either. The guy gets so much flack for his acting, but lately has shown some serious range...and yet not in acting. The guy is a writer/director, he's got two Oscar's to prove it. His acting is borderline ridiculous at best, but at least he has that strange sensitive endearing charm that I think will work well for Batman. I mean hey, it's worked well in keeping him in the favor of the public eye. Maybe he just hasn't gotten meaty roles yet because no one has taken him seriously since Mallrats (1996), but maybe that's a good thing. I mean, being Batman is not exactly training for the acting Olympics. It's a visual icon, so strap on the rubber suit, tie up the utility belt and breath heavily, but at least add some bravado into it, don't just stare beyond someone's eyeballs like you're The Terminator every time you talk to them. I don't know, maybe it's time to bring some damn emotion back into Batman and stop making him a catatonic killing machine.

Maybe I'm just for this whole thing, because perhaps now I can be sexually attracted to Batman.

I know Affleck ruined Daredevil (2003) for you, but did you honestly expect much from that movie to begin with? It's like saying 'oh, Anne Hathaway ruined Les Miserables (2012) for me!) Well here's his chance to redeem himself. He's working with a good writing/directing team, and everything is ripe for interpretation now. And Affleck always had those great sensitive eyes. Even when crying and screaming for Harry not to sacrifice himself in Armageddon (1999) (ok, now there's definitely a target on my back) I was totally buying it. Bale will always have a harshness to his demeanor in my opinion, there's a dark side to him that is just that...a blanket of pitch black nothingness, while Affleck I think, at least, I hope can play both ends of the spectrum. And I think we're all in agreement that we need Batman to lighten up just a little bit. I mean, I know you're protecting an entire city, but take a Lexapro and drink a box of Chardonnay every once in a while. In Affleck's case it will probably be a case of Guinness, but whatever. And since when does Hollywood not love to shock you with against-type casting. I mean seriously? Since it's not up to Nolan anymore, they thought they'd pull a fast one on us, you know why? Because they fucking can.

How Much Did The Canyons Suck and Why?

I made this my background on facebook ironically, and people took me seriously. Um...urly?

Good news friends, I watched The Canyons (2013) so you don't have to. That's right I sat in a dark room, chains-moking, crying, and shaking for two hours, it was like the climax of an episode of Intervention. I was at a party the other night, and people kept mentioning it to me, and at first it had seemed like something I had never heard of because I subconsciously blocked it out. But then things kept coming back to me, like an amnesia patient on a bad soap opera; Lohan, Schrader, porn aficionado James Deen, kickstarter, and then the Eureka moment came, and I almost had a hemorrhage.

Lindsay Lohan from fame-whore child-star gone horribly wrong, drunk driving, and general infamy fame, Paul Schrader from rogue student film generation and Taxi Driver (1975) fame, and James Deen from hardcore anal porn fame collaborated on a shitshow funded almost fully by kickstarter because not even the most eccentric film executive in this godforsaken town would put money down on this project. It popped up that night on my iTunes menu to rent for 6.99$ and I took that as a sign. I put my hand over the 'rent' button and prepared myself for the worst. It was right before I left work, so I took a minute in the bathroom to have a 30 second cry, and then drove home, shaky already.

A still from the film. No, seriously. Now it haunts my nightmares.

It was a warm Los Angeles Friday, and my roommate was away for the evening. I was all alone, vulnerable and scared. I cuddled our dog, and my favorite pillow and pressed 'play' and by the time it was over and my roommate had returned, my face was covered in mascara that had run down to my chin from the nervous crying, my hair was disheveled and I was rocking back and forth like a crackhead who just had their baby taken away from them by the government, grasping the pillow like I was in the freezing waters of the Atlantic with the Titanic sinking behind me, and it was my life raft/frozen dead person float.

Lindsay's signature look which I like to call 'melted Barbie'

As a Warholian, even I was completely and utterly disgusted by the casting, which is in fact, very Warholian, and probably intentional on Schrader's end. Warhol, as some of you know, frequently cast porn stars, junkies, vagrants, and hustlers; all labels that we can throw on both Lohan and Deen, but he cast them to eat bananas sensually, get a blow job from the neck up, or sleep for 6 and a half hours, and considering both Lohan's and Deen's range as actors, that probably would have made for a better film, but Schrader just had to write in a damn narrative didn't he? And these motherfuckers that he cast actually had to pretend they could act!

Yes everyone stop talking to check your phones. It makes for good time filler!

We haven't seen LiLo turn in a good performance since...well ever. And as for Deen, he's basically good at one thing, and it's below the waste. It was almost comical to watch them try to deliver lines and cry and be sadistic, weird, and fabulous if it wasn't so fucking sad. I don't even want to tell you the story because there basically isn't one. Wiki it, it's like a sentence. For someone who was as innovative and fearless to write something like Taxi Driver over 30 years ago, this is the utmost in public humiliation. They should all be taken to the town square and put on a medieval rack and flogged for our amusement because this film was like experiencing the Theater of Cruelty, but not in an ironic titillating way, this was downright cruel, and it's a scar on the back of Los Angeleans, like they don't have enough as it is, because people will watch this thinking that's what we're actually like...and that's only HALF true! Usually I would recommend to watch something bad just for shits and giggles, but I wouldn't even watch it with a drinking game involved. It will just seriously depress the shit out of you. No reputable festival even allowed it to be screened because they didn't want they're name sullied. Way to make a comeback Lohan, and as for James Deen, stick to what you do best; no words, just thrusts.

Free Pussy Riot. End of Transmition.

Clandestine members of Pussy Riot

I usually blog about the media here, so this is stepping out of bounds a little bit but not really because there was a documentary made about the whole Pussy Riot fiasco called Pussy Riot: A Punk Prayer (2013) released by HBO films so I can basically tell my grievances through that if you're really that uptight about it.

I'm writing this today because today is the 1 year anniversary of the incarceration of three key band members of Pussy Riot by the Russian government, two of which are under 25. Some back story coming up. 

the thee members on trial; Nadya Tolokonnikova, Katya Samutsevich, and Masha Alyokina, mocking the courts for the ridiculousness of the situation. Good for them!

I'm a first generation immigrant, born in Russian (thankfully not into the Putin regime of totalitarian dictatorship) and immigrated to the United States at 7 in 1991 as communism was falling apart all over the place. Now what Russia has is a very close environment to Stalinist communism bordering Fascism with Putin's reign as supreme fucktard of the universe. Pussy Riot are a punk band made up of angry chicks with the most hilariously bizarre ironic and iconoclastic attitudes. They are vehemently opposed to Putin (as most people in Russia and all over the world are) and were arrested when they performed in one of Moscow's most famous cathedrals in February of 2012 and charged with get this 'public hoolganism'. That must have been some shit Putin invented when fishing shirtless high on Desomorphine and vodka. 

Lead singer, Nadya Tolokonnikova always put on a brave face even when behind bars to show the world, and more importantly her captors that they weren't about to break her any time soon.

Three of the band's key members, Nadya Tolokonnikova, Katya Samutsevich, and Masha Alyokina (I'm calling them by their informal names as a symbol of my solidarity) stood trial in Russian court (which is an oxymoron in itself) and were eventually (of course) convicted because unlike the good ol' US of A, where we just let killers back on the streets despite damning evidence (whole other blog post, some other time) in Russia, you're guilty until proven innocent, and if Putin himself is trying to put you behind bars, honey you are going to spend time in Siberia doing hard labor, away from your family, your children (Nadya has a 2 year old daughter) and be thankful that the government is not going after them as well, which it very well might do. 'Public hooliganism' carries with it a mandatory 2 year sentence term, so let's think about this objectively as intelligent people with brians; a few girls performed some punk music in a cathedral, condemning Putin. They didn't get naked, burn the Russian flag, or run through the streets armed with Molotov cocktails threatening to overthrow the government. For that, they are now in prison for two years. And while we as Americans could go into any denominational church or synagogue for that matter, put on some Bush and Cheney masks (I don't know how relevant that would be...ok Anthony Weiner masks) and do the exact same thing and our rights would be protected under the 1st amendment, not so for these three very young chickas.

So seriously, be thankful you live in a country where the highest act of treason is burning your country's flag, and even then if you have a good lawyer you stand a fairly good chance of being acquitted on all counts. And be thankful for all your freedoms like being able to watch the Daily Show's correspondents make fun of congress's incompetence and the ability to shout whatever the fuck you feel about Obamacare out of your car window to any passing stranger. Because in Russia, you breath a nasty word about Putin and you're lucky you're not tasting cyanide in  your tea the next day. Am I right Alexander Litvinenko? 

The balaclavas worn by Pussy Riot have become an international symbol for the fight for freedom of expression.

This insanity has to end. People are marching daily chanting 'Rascia bez Putina' which basically means Putin go fuck yourself, or in the literal sense; 'Russia without Putin', I'll go a step further and say 'Mir bez Putina'; World without Putin. Get him on a big jet plane and set him as our first live test subject to Mars. He can be ultimate dictator over their many craters and waterless river beds. He'll love it, and we here on earth will all live in a better place. Fight the power! Free Pussy Riot! And in the words of their leader, Nadya I'd like to end with the following: 'Open your doors, take off your uniforms, come taste freedom with us.'

Below a trailer for the aformentioned documentary: 

A Reality Show About Red Necks? How Fucking Fascinating.

As all of you pathetic shit-eating couch potatoes know, tonight A&E will premiere it's 4th (yes 4th) season of Duck Dynasty like it hasn't completely bled it's audience dry with garbage programming for 5 years and counting. Television is making a statement folks, and the statement is this; we know you're tired of seeing shows about people richer and more powerful than you (thanks for nothing Bravo network) especially during a fucking recession, so we're going to appeal to the dumb-it-down average nascar enthusiast who has nothing better to do with his time demographic and give you shows about people that clearly had parents that were related to each other.

So before when your inner monologue as the viewer was 'god I wish I had that life' while watching any Real Housewives franchise, it can now be 'god I'm glad I'm at least in better shape than these fools' while watching any show to do with red necks, which happens to be the 'it' factor of reality TV right about now with shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Sister Wives, and the ever present Duck Dynasty. Now most of these shows get reamed up the ass with criticism on how they exploit (holy shit, reality TV exploits things!?) poor and stupid fame whores for profit to a sadistic audience, but surprisingly enough, Duck Dynasty gets nothing but praise for it's 'wholesome' and 'family-oriented' atmosphere. Puuuuuhleeeaaaase. 

Looks like methed-out Santa

Here's the premise for the show just for those last 5 people on this planet with self respect that just cruise right by that when it airs. It's a family of redneck brothers, wives, fathers, and crazy uncles and they made millions (apparently) off designing duck calls. For the lamen, a duck call is a kazoo-type instrument used to simulate the sound of a duck so as to lure actual ducks into the path of a giant gun in order to shoot it for sport. Don't that sound appealing as fuck, rootin' tootin' bootin' flootin'...whatever. 

And basically there's a lot of hi jinx which I'm sorry has to take the reality out of 'reality TV' because no actual person would be in contrived situations that involve some kind of problem solving tactics and hilarity ensues when no one can cooperate properly. That's basically the premise of every episode. It's like Saved by the Bell with rednecks.

I mean can we all just admit the ugly truth here? This programming is completely backwards...basically just like most of the south is and always will be. Family values? Are you fucking kidding me? I remember an episode where the grandpappy had to teach is grandson about the birds and the bees using crawfish. Now I know this is the boondocks of Louisiana but don't they have sex-ed in their one-room classrooms? Or at least show him how to put a condom on a goddamn banana. Also, it's just so chalk full of mysoginy it's sickening as a woman to digest. It's like someone rammed a turkey baster of testosterone down my throat and I'm choking on it. You get the picture I'm painting here? All the women look like they just stepped out of a Ms. Purtiest Louisiana pageant only 20 years too late, and do little but complain and shop, oh and that other thing that it's implied women do well...cook. How forward-thinking of you. Even though the show claims that husband and wife duck-team are 50-50 and everything is even between those two we all know who wears the ill fitting camouflage pants in the family, and that's another thing; why the fuck are they always in camouflage? Is there a war they're being sent off to later (wishful thinking), I mean, you're hunting ducks. Seriously? They could probably tell you're there if you were dressed in the brightest colors that would make any drag queen jealous. Stop pretending that what you do matters or that anyone gives a shit. 

Also, am I the only one of a different religion that gets the indoctrination message of this damn show? Oh only good Christians make millions off the dumbest ideas ever and only have little things to worry about and no real problems. Us filthy Jews gotta keep on truckin'. 

Everyone say 'fame whore!'

Which brings me to the center of this shrubbery maze. Nothing interesting happens on the show, it's scenarios like 'oh my shirt is dirty' 'oh my daughter uses her phone too much' and 'oh no one wants to help me with this absurd idea I just pulled out of my ass'. I cannot believe that many people are wasting their time on this, it's not even remotely funny and the characters get old damn fast. It's like when Cher refers to Amber as a Monet painting in Clueless (1995); 'it's like the painting see, from afar it's ok but up close it's just a big old mess', just imagine being in close proximity to those people, if the smell doesn't get to you, that old-timey borderline ridiculous, inarticulate Southern country fried wisdom will. I don't know how many seasons this show has left in its cannon but I'm seriously praying (to my Jewish god) that it's not much more. A&E, it's time to regain your dignity and stop digging yourself into a giant sticky quicksand hole...literally.

Girls Write A Show For Girls...In Prison.

Piper (Taylor Schilling) and her one time lover Alex (Laura Prepon) take a minute to listen to the Piper's scumbag boyfriend exploit her prison experience for a writing gig on the radio.

Finally started watching Orange is the New Black (2013 - ) which is on only every other billboard in Los Angeles county and actually getting good reviews, and it's such a relief to be feasibly impressed with a show. Hasn't happened in a while. Especially considering most shows featured on Netflix are overrated and Netflix originals like Arrested Development Season 4 was a ridiculous let-down.

Orientation...yawn.

I know that everyone on the face of the planet has gone on the 'overrated' train with this one just because people like it and it's way overexposed at the moment, but you know what? It's not half bad, and if ya did your goddamn research, you'd know it's actually based on a memoir a woman wrote about her year of incarceration. So it wasn't just plucked from obscurity by some TV executive because they needed to fill that niche of lesbian prison shows and they were clear out.
Here's what I like, though the writing is somewhat trite, I can relate to the main character. She's on the cusp of 30 and is realizing there are serious amends to be made for living life so dangerously while she was still able to  back in the day. No I'm not an ex-con mofo's but I get what her character arc is. 
And that's basically what I really enjoy about it; the writing of the characters. As a writer who writes excellent characters (horn toot) and sucks at structure, I can fully appreciate that even if some of them are somewhat cliche.

'Red' (Kate Mulgrew) and Miss Claudette (Michelle Hurst) share some home-made hooch after hours. Two of my favorite characters.

I like that Taylor Schilling's character Piper Chapman is the 'straight man' of the series, a deadpan white girl stuck in a prison full of nut jobs and jaded inmates. One of my favorite characters is Galinka or 'Red' (Kate Mulgrew) who does such a superb Russian accent I was surprised to hear she was actually American, usually, Russian accents are totally butchered, especially by American actors. She runs the kitchen and is basically queen bee, whom everyone wants to please, and through her backstory we learn how ironic that really is.

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren (Uzo Aduba) is one of the funniest eccentrics on the show.

The love story that develops between inmate Daya (Dascha Polanko) and one of the prison guards, Bennett (Matt McGorry) is particularly touching and one that I would consider going to prison for in order to experience. It doesn't seem contrived and that's always a good thing.
Anyway the best thing about it, is just like in a Joseph Mankiewicz film, the women have the best roles, and are the most dynamic. If you don't get this parallel then you're an idiot. The interesting part of it is, is that now you can tell that it's a group full of women writers sitting in a writers room thinking this stuff up hopefully with a giant picture of Nora Ephron as their patron saint hanging on the bearing wall with scented candles decorating her beautiful aura.

The very talented cast of characters.

I feel like Nora Ephron herself could have written this show and that's comforting, it's very difficult to combine black comedy with a hint of tragedy, pathos, and unpredictable character arcs, something only the Great Ephron was able to achieve, and I'm glad that this is a show finally for women by women that is NOT on the Lifetime network. Bravo Netflix. I now forgive you for the 4th season of Arrested Development. It's unique and wildly original. It's not just for chicks don't get me wrong, I think it's universally funny and challenging. Aside from that it's just plain old brazen and down the wall unapologetic. It gets my thumbs up. I'm excited to see what becomes of it.

Below some clips and interviews. Enjoy!