We All Hold Our Breath As the Royal Hoo-Haa Dialates.

Counting down the hours? Loser.

Alright Englanders and Americans who couldn't give less of a fuck. The Duchess of Cambridge, pug-face Kate Middleton is in the Royal Hospital with a Royal OBGYN pulling out her Royal baby with Royal forceps and dealing with her Royal screams, and disposing of the Royal afterbirth right about now. Did all of that sound gross? Good. 

Now here's something really gross. Imagine the product of those two people, genetically it is just not a flattering picture. Remember when Prince Andrew married Fergie and we were all thinking to ourselves 'yeah that will end well', and now that Princess Eugenie and Beatrice are in their 20's it's horrifying. Yes, Diana added some much needed attractive genes to the otherwise bland, incest-based line of the Windsor house, with their receding hairlines, pointy bucked teeth and generally displeasing faces, but I don't think the Middletons have much to offer to that pool either. Have you seen Kate's parents? Shallow end for sure, I mean her mom is somewhat of a MILF and Pippa's not ghastly, but otherwise, it's a weird look. And coupled with Prince Williams long face, male pattern baldness, and a set of teeth that Invisiline would die to get a hold of, it's going to be one weird bald baby. It's like J-Lo's twins, one really good set of genes and one really grotesque one, and the offspring turn out looking like something out of the X-Files. 

Beatrice and Eugenie...never forget.

It basically boils down to this, they are too different looking, and hopefully Kate is the dominant one in this merge because let's face it, she's way hotter than William. I'm sure how he got her was by walking up to her and be like 'hey, I'm going to be the next king of England...how you doin'?' I'm kidding, we all know the story, especially me because I had to sit through everything about that while in Scotland at St. Andrews where their weird love flourished like it made any difference to anybody and like I gave two sweaty shits. 

I'm honestly dreading what the combination of these two will look like.

Whatever pops out, we know that nothing's going to change, except hopefully Kate will stop looking like the walking dead and put on a hefty amount of stones back on that skeletal figure of hers. And I'll just keep dreaming that one day Prince Harry and I will have babies, and our genes are compatible, and they will come out adorably strawberry blonde, with piercing green eyes and hopefully my penchant for crying over reality TV and cigarettes, and his rough mangled primal masculinity and naughty tendencies. A girl can dream, and I shall continue to do so, meanwhile, it's been like forever Kate, either have the baby or don't. And for the love of god, don't call it North West. 

Enjoy below: 

I Have a Recommendation...8 Years Too Late

A Bradley Cooper that's a professional chef? Where do I sign up?

I've been starved for a good show to watch, I've basically seen everything. And I'm glad Orange Is the New Black (2013 - ) has come out, but I've only watched one episode thus far so I can't blog about it yet, but that's probably the next one I'll do. Hulu just released a show that was cancelled criminally after only one season based on Anthony Bourdain's incendiary bestselling memoir 'Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly' (published in 2000) where the unapologetic bad-ass celebrity chef talks about his times working in upscale restaurants in New York and misbehaving in the most ridiculous fashion. He was basically the Keith Richards of the kitchen, snorting blow and drinking liters of vodka whilst cooking some of the best haute cuisine that city has ever seen. 

Cover of the book the show is based on.

Anthony Bourdain, doing what he does best.

Fox in all of it's wisdom (meant to be read with sarcasm) decided to make a PG version of the book with Bradley Cooper as the titular character, much like what Fellini used to do with Marcello Mastroianni playing a character aptly named Jack Bourdain who is now over a year sober and has been hired on a 'suicide mission' to revamp a Bowery hotspot named Nolita with no staff and 24 hours before opening night. 

He assembles his old mates from the good old days promising all kinds of shit that never comes to fruition, but it's his dream team, and he's the best in the business so in the words of Tim Gunn, it's time to 'make it work'. 

Butch, Sundance, and the pastry chef that wears a bandana.

Cooper is brilliant and hilarious as the enlightened and sober Bourdain (who in real life as we all know didn't remain sober, well for the most part) trying his best to serve the best and most creative dishes to his picky customers whilst dealing with a crabby waitstaff, and incompetent hostess, and every example of Murphy's Law falling on his head every morning. 

He's still the lady's man, almost to the point of being a nympho and can you blame him? He's extraordinarily hot, and the man can grill a salmon like nobody's business. That's a winning combination right there. 

The cast.

The show is called (of course) Kitchen Confidential, and ran from 2005 to 2006 before being cancelled but I was overjoyed when Hulu bought the rights to it because it definitely deserves to be seen. It features a stellar cast; Nicholas Brendon from Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame, John Francis Daly from Freaks and Geeks fame, John Cho from Star Trek (the new franchise) fame, and Bonnie Summerville from her tiny stint as Ross' girlfriend Mona from Friends (1994-2004). Also, Jamie King is there for masturbation fodder so it's a winning combination. 

It's a good ol' dirty shitshow, with the laughs to back it up and the most unseemly behavior, everyone is constantly horny and/or doing it with each other. And Jack (Cooper) is the most gung-ho about it all, just as long as his patrons and his boss (Frank Langella) are happy with his impeccable talents as a chef. 

Shit just got weird.

One of my favorite characters is Owain Yeoman as Steven Daedalus the Sous. An immigrant from jolly old England, he's a high-functioning sociopath that frequently drinks on the job, hits on anything with legs, and has some of the best one-liners I've heard in TV pretty much ever. He and Bradley Cooper make a great Butch and Sundance (which they refer to themselves as) and perk up the show just a few notches to where it's actually a pleasure to watch. 

The rest is pretty predictable for a half hour sitcom; hijinks ensues, trouble brews, tension between the floor and the kitchen reach boiling points constantly and everybody gets laid. I'd work there in a heart beat. So I'm giving this one a solid recommendation. The whole series is available online. Go for it, then go eat some seared sesame crusted tuna...you'll get the joke once you've watched the show. Is that enough of an incentive?

Let's Just Admit that Benedict Cumberbatch is the Best Thing Ever

I'm tired of pussyfooting around the issue people. It's time to let your British freak flag fly high. You all know you are seriously hot for the man with the funniest name ever and a pair of cheek bones that could slice glass. Now that he's in Start Trek: Into Darkness (2013) even American audiences are going from 'oh yeah he's cute in that British kind of way' to 'I'm going to masturbate like crazy to him later when I get home' and 'Chris Pine who?' I was always aware of him but not fully online to the insane gravitational pull of the hottness that is Cumberbatch until I watched all 6 episodes of Sherlock back to back (yes I didn't sleep for two days). At first, I was just looking to be turned on to a new show and I kinda had a thing for Martin Freeman (don't judge me!) but then out of the shadows appeared a super tall figure with a tremoring baritone voice and British accent wearing a long grey coat with the most piercing pair of green eyes I'd ever seen. Hence my formal introduction to the great Benedict Cumberbatch. After that, I had to open up a huge fantasy file. I think it's actually thicker than all the other ones (no pun intended, well maybe). 

Benedict as Sherlock Holmes in the world-wide sensational hit Sherlock (2010-present)

Lately a bunch of people have been turning on to the wonder of Cumberbatch even going as low as to call themselves by a name; the everpresent Cumberbitches, and yes I'm a card carrying member. I will watch anything and everything with him, every internet meme in which he looks like an otter, every interview in which he's impeccably dressed and being snide and British with all of his snide Britishness and I'm counting down the days until the new season of Sherlock or desperately trying to figure out how to watch Parade's End (2013), and perusing Netflix for his earlier work instead of focusing on important things like a career, a relationship, and all that crap. 

Still from Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

So rise up ye fellow Cumberbitches and make your presence known. Not since Ben Whishaw have we had someone so unique looking and chameleon-like in his acting, not since Paul Newman have their been a pair of eyes like that, and not since the British Invasion of the 1960's have American chicks been so fuck all in love with a Brit in show-business. But also, back the fuck off because I'm on a stalking mission and I'm usually good at those...um I mean whatever I don't know what you're talking about, but I will find a way. Where there's a will...there's a Cumberbatch in boxer briefs with a rose in his mouth waiting to ravage me...whilst remaining snide and British.

Some clips below: 

I'll Have A Serving of Steve Coogan with a Side of His Michael Caine Impression

banner for the film Steve Coogan on the left and Rob Brydon on the right.

I haven't been able to watch too much lately, too much shit going on, not enough time, also I care about my tan in the Summer, anyway! I finally took advantage of my Hulu+ account for something that doesn't have anything to do with Bradley Cooper and watched The Trip (2012). I didn't know much about it except the fact that it was made by a director I loath; Michael Winterbottom (a pretentious hack with a flair for nothing happening in his films aside from stares and graphic fucking) and that it had a scene where the two principals Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon do a hilarious competition of who's got the better Michael Caine impression, something which I've incorporated into my dinner parties believe me. 

The crisis of being middle aged. Steve sans family, stability, and hapiness and Brydon possessing all of those things leads to rivalry between the two.

So here's the story Steve Coogan is feeling very middle aged. He's of course playing himself, and is somewhat depressed after his smokin' hot girlfriend decides they need a break and moves back to the states. Before doing so she had planned a trip for the two of them of the best places to eat in Northern England because she's a huge foodie. 

The reluctant bad-ass.

Let's back track a little bit and give you a bit of Coogan history. He's been a staple of the British tabloids who's exploits are rivaled only by the Royals at this point. Courtney Love herself blames him for turning her on to 'the dark side', and that's saying a fucking lot, and he's always been somewhat sexy-weird and seriously fucked up but not in the oh-god-no kind of way, more of in a that's pretty cool kind of way. And through it all he's maintained somewhat of a serious cool-factor, and a sense of unique British-ness in just letting everything shed right off him no matter how lascivious.

So that's why we still love him in a devil-may-care kind of way, and I find him shamelessly attractive. I want his snide, sarcastic babies, I really do. 

So he decides to take an old friend, Rob Brydon (playing himself as well) along with him, and true to Michael Winterbottom fashion, nothing extraordinary truly happens. Steve laments around being depressed and hitting on random chicks, Rob always tries to one-up Steve in his obsession of being the perfect impressionist which leads to some polite British humor, it's all very genuine, and somewhat depressing for a comedy, but for a film in which nothing happens or changes, I was actually entertained and if not for the two male leads, I don't think I would have been. It's a great existential experience. I'd recommend it, I mean it's free, give it a try.

Below trailers and clips: