The Unthinkable Has Happened: I Was Wrong About Something

Keira Knightly and Aaron Taylor-Johnson fall in love against a surreal backdrop in Anna Karenina (2011)

Last year in July I wrote about my expectations for the soon to be released Anna Karenina (2011) directed by the renowned Joe Wright who's obsession with Keira Knightley knows no bounds. I said that as a Russian, who was made to read Anna Karenina as if it was gospel, I couldn't bare the thought of a theatrical shit show with her and Aaron Taylor-Johnson as the two principal leads.

Well I'm watching it today, and I have to say with utmost disgrace to myself and my intuition, that I was wrong, which I never am people. 

I was literally taken aback at how good this movie looked and felt.

But this was such an interesting take on the famous story and the writing was actually up to par with a 1 1/2 hour adaptation of a 600 page novel by Tolstoy, that's saying the obvious considering the adaptation was written by Tom Stoppard. Yes it was sappy, and missed a lot of the books subtext and essential themes, but it got the jist as best as it could, and for something so highly unadaptable as that book, that's a job well done. I think perhaps maybe I understood the script better (which had it's absurd moments) because I can recite the book verbatim. 

Alicia Vikander as Princess Katerina 'Kitty' Alexandrovna

What I was impressed most about was the supporting players. I loved Matthew McFayden as Stiva, and Alicia Vikander (keep an eye on her, she's going to be the next it-girl, mark my words) as Kitty, and of course Jude Law as the torn and embarrassed Karenin, he's absolutely brilliant and I have no idea who's genius idea it was to cast him because I think he understands the material better than anyone else. In most other adaptations Karenin is seen as the villain; the heartless brute who can't forgive and cares only about his own honor and his promises to god, but Law plays him so layered and enigmatic that you get a real sense he understands that Tolstoy wrote every character in Anna Karenina to be tortured and trapped by their own inabilities to compromise. 

My favorite adaptation remains the Vivien Leigh/Ralph Richardson one from 1948. There's a woman that could play Anna Karenina. Criterion bought it and it's on Hulu.

I'm really starting to sound like a substitute teacher at Russian Lit 101, so I'll finish by commenting on the aesthetic. I heard that the film was done in a strangely theatrical way because they literally didn't have the money to make it a full fledged film shot on location and with meticulous attention to detail to recreate Imperial Russia. And instead of half-assing it, Joe Wright decided to take a different route, making it more of a ballet (another Russian staple) and mostly symbolic, like a fairy tale, which is essentially what Anna Karenina is; an adult fairy tale. It's supposed to be dramatic, whimsical, magical and somewhere beyond this practical world, and I think the aesthetic used captures that. All I will say that I was right about was that yeah, Keira Knightly and Aaron Taylor Johnson do not do justice to the two main characters, too young to have a grasp of the gravity of the roles their playing, and it just sucks plain and simple.

Trailer below. 

Vivien Leigh as Anna Karenina (1948) 

Just When Mad Men Gets Boring It Gets Interesting Again

Lost Bette gets some help and more from an unexpected source.

Let's admit, season 6 has been less than stellar and more than predictable. I think it's like the whole cast is starting to get sick of it all and when your party host is tired themselves and passing out on the couch it's time to leave the party. But this last episode had so many unexpected turns that I think it was a last try to get this show back to up and running status rather than dead in the water status. Adding so many new characters and neglecting the base ones was clearly not a good strategy so they decided to go back to basics. 

They must have noticed that even the most die-hard Mad Mennies were starting to despise Don Draper, and without him, there is no show, so enough with him being a totally sadistic borderline rapist romantic novel villain and just mellow him out why don't ya. Which is what they did, the episode wasn't exactly about him, all of the main characters had an interesting arc this time. Through the filter of unseen and unexpected desire, they explored many of the characters' primal vices. 

tension brews between the not so happy couple.

Maybe it was a desperate attempt to recapture the magic of the first few seasons, but it worked. Peggy and her scruffy leftist, marxist scribbler boyfriend Abe are at odds like an old married couple because basically she won't let him be a man. All of the decisions run through her, and she doesn't even let him to house renovation work. It's like working in advertising and having to compete with Don for so long has made her grown a penis. This tension comes to a shocking climax when the unsafe neighborhood that they live in (the upper west side, oh my god scariest place on earth) makes her so paranoid that she accidentally stabs him right in the stomach with I think the end of a lamp or something I don't know, I just know I hadn't had this much exhilarating fun watching a show since that poor Brit had his foot run over with a lawn mower at Sterling Cooper. 

Peggy and Abe go through some serious shit, had they stayed together afterwards, and it's not clear if they do, it would make for a great story to tell at parties.

There's also lesbian tension between Megan and her agent/costar who is clearly crushing on her, but she's brutally rebuffed, like Megan is Garbo or somebody. That other woman could get anyone she wants. Don just happens to be away getting his son Bobby ready for camp and guess who's there to surprise him, the character we all love to hate and cringe at the mere sound of her voice; Bette (forget what her current last name is). And what ends up happening? Well you guess. It has been a while since they've done nothing but fight, and she has lost all that weird weight and dyed her hair back to blonde. She looks almost exactly the same as she did when the series started and can't help being irresistible to men again. Her husband isn't there, and his wife is at home, perfect timing, and you know what? As sick as it is to think of Don and Bette in bed again I actually enjoyed it. I was glad it happened. It made us understand how lonely Don actually is because he spent his entire adult life pushing people away. Anyway, I was satisfied after watching this, and I haven't been able to say that about Mad Men in a while, so Bravo!

Arousal on a Plate

Babette prepares the fruit course.

It's no secret, I love watching films about food. I love to watch people prepare food, I love close ups of food, I love it all, why the hell do you think I sit through Gordon Ramsay yelling the tar out of some poor soul on Hell's Kitchen? So I can get to the part where they finally bring an immaculate medium rare lamb loin to the hot plate.

If you're on Hulu nearly as much as I am, you'll notice they've basically bought up the entire Criterion collection, so all that savings money you were going to use towards it whenever Barnes and Noble has a sale is totally inadequate now. Anyway, last night I watched a pretty boring film, save for the last scene. It's a Danish film (yes I've been watching a lot of Danish films lately, shoot me) from 1987 called Babette's Feast. 

Babette's guests would be criminal not to enjoy what she serves them.

It's about two Danish sisters that live in a remote impoverished town of devotees to the lord. They for some reason have a French maid, and yes this is before the slutty French maid aesthetic. It's a woman named Babette (Stephan Audran) who escaped the Napoleonic wars to the mercy of these two sisters and works for them for free. She keeps a friend in France that plays the lottery for her regularly, and finally she ends up winning 10,000 francs. She decides that to celebrate, and also honor the memory of the sisters' father who was the town pastor, she would like to cook everyone in the town (all 12 of them) an exquisite French feast. Unbeknownst to everyone, she was the head chef at one of the most posh restaurants in France. She insists on paying for it herself, and the town folk get nervous. They only eat pious things like bread soup, and refuse to take pleasure in any worldly indulgences such as fine French food. Sounding familiar by now? That's because I'm more than sure that this was the basis for the plot of Chocolat (2000) with Juliette Binoche. 

Juliette Binoche presents her nipples of Venus, aside from the cheeky name we all know that chocolate is one of the main aphrodisiacs.

It's almost sublime to watch her make fresh turtle soup, then belinis with caviar and sour cream, after which stuffing quails with foie gras and black truffles before putting them inside puff pastry, I mean I nearly lost it. Then, there was an endive salad and a cheese course before a delicate French pastry was served and everyone in the town secretly convinced that this indeed was a higher pleasure than the lord's love. I should mention it was all served with different versions of the best French wine, I mean you'd definitely have to be dead inside not to have your mouth watering right now. 

Quail in puff pastry. I just lost my mind.

If photographed well this will serve (no pun intended) just as well if not better than any porn on the internet right now. Why do you think I watch Julie and Julia (2009) to the point where I can recite it verbatim. Anyway, watch the film, and I have an application to Paris' Le Cordon Bleu academy to get cracking on. 

Trailer below. 

Chocolat trailer below. 

SNL Goes Gay!

This last episode of SNL definitely carried a theme with it, and in light of Minnesota's new passing of legalization of gay marriage, a lot of the content was along those same lines. It's always nice when a tv institution comments on what's important in culture at the moment, particularly if the nature of the show is to be funny, which somewhat makes it harder because the issues commented on are usually incendiary and sensitive, but with Ben Affleck at the helm and it's roster of genius writers and repertory players like John Mulaney, Bill Hader, and Cecily Tyson, SNL themed episode on the topic of gay marriage gets my vote.

Ben Affleck and Taran Killam soooooo want it.

There was the sketch about those ridiculous turn-you-straight camps that unbelievably still exist where Affleck plays the head counselor who used to be gay himself, but now can 'totally control it', although everything in the skit proves otherwise and Affleck's characters just decides to 'let it be'. That was actually mildly funny, but the best gay-marriage themed sketch came in the form of the faux commercial for the new Xanax.

'At my wedding we gave everyone cheez-its and a mini bottle of water. Keith and David got us two tickets to Italy and 40,000$.'

It starts off like any commercial for Xanax except you soon realize it's only Xanax that you require when you start getting invited to many fabulous gay weddings which are always going to be much more perfect than yours or any straight wedding you'll ever go to. It's brilliant satire basically outlining the inevitable truths that gay weddings now that more and more are becoming legal around the nations will always be better and more fabulous than the run-of-the-mill straight wedding no matter how many dancing bridesmaids go down the aisle. 

Seth and Stefon happily return to the Weekend Update stage to have all of their regulars rejoice in their new union.

It all culminated with pop-culture institution Stefon's appearance on Weekend Update where he did is usual bizarre monologue and crack up in the middle of which, but then stated he was no longer interested in Seth Meyers and found a new man and was going to marry him, after which he promptly ran off. What followed was comedy gold. Seth tries to carry on but is clearly distraught. I should mention that Amy Poehler makes a surprise cameo on Update and tells Seth to 'go to him' and in a parody of The Graduate (1968), Seth runs after Stefon whom he find in a church at the alter with none other than Anderson Cooper. It was beyond amazing. Everyone Stefon has ever described in his crazy rants is manifest there, including DJ Baby Bok Choy (remember him?) Seth yells for Stefon, and just like in The Graduate, he gets his bride and they off while Anderson Cooper is left jilted at the alter with a black eye. It was nothing short of art, and Stefon and Seth Meyers are finally run off to a happy life together and after that I feel asleep, content and happy. I should also mention that this was Bill Hader's last episode so it was a very touching farewell.

Below some of the clips. 

A Royal Affair Reminds Us That Romance Is Indeed Dead

American poster for the film

 I seriously cannot believe it's taken me so long to watch A Royal Affair (2012) but it's been sitting quietly in my Netflix queue until the other day when I was driving up Sunset Blvd. and saw Madds Mikkelsen in a very ill-fitting pair of suede pants (yes, suede in May) walking down the street towards The Coffee Bean. I've heard pieces about it here and there, most of them good, but no one saying it's pretty damn close to a perfect movie, which it completely is. 

An affair begins in shadows. How's that for pretentious?

It is a Danish historical drama that made the rounds at some important festivals last year and even landed a nomination for Best Foreign Language Film at last years Oscars, shamefully it didn't win.

It tells the true story of a British princess betrothed to a psychotic and somewhat slow-in-the-head Danish king and is forced to relinquish all over her customs, language, and family and move to Denmark to begin a bizarre life with a bizarre man. Although The Princess Caroline Mathilde (Alicia Vikander) is unbelievably beautiful, like right out of a Botticelli painting beautiful,  the king does not enjoy 'visiting her bed chamber' if ya know what I mean, because he'd rather get wasty-pants and do it with some nasty hooker, his words...no seriously. But it's in Danish so it doesn't sound so trashy. 

The requisite naked-in-a-copper-bathtub scene, every period piece has one, it's in the rule books somewhere.

Time passes, and the king (Mikkel Følsgaard) grows more more and more despondent and insane due to what his trusted advisers believe to be 'excessive masturbation', so they audition doctors from far and wide to be the king's personal physician. Out of the few that make the rounds is a strangely attractive and mysterious small-town idealist and cheerleader for the incoming Enlightenment movement of Rousseau, Voltaire, and John Locke (and others that character names from Lost were based on) doctor named Johann Struensee (Madds Mikkelsen). It's beyond obvious that sooner or later this young impressionable now-queen and idealist doctor will begin a passionate love affair as she has a secret gateway to her bed chamber, and no that's not code for anything, that's actually in the film. I mean, he's the only one who doesn't wear powdered wigs and rouge, with those ridiculous white silk stalkings they thought looked so fly back in the 18th century. 

Madds has that rugged primal manliness...thing that you just can't put your finger on, you just know it's there, although you'd like to put your finger on it.

It's a bit obvious the queen is in need of some real man-lovin' and he's more than obliged to give it to her, but you know what? They end up falling in love, and everything falls apart as it does when love gets in the way of really steamy caressing and intercourse set to classical music. But as a historical drama it works brilliantly. It tells the actual love story and the tragedy of it, although totally inevitably, in such a passionate way that you still fall for it, and by the end of it are wiping away tears saying how you would totally give up all your worldly possessions and live in exile as she's eventually forced to if you could have a love affair like that, but you won't because it's 2013, and shit like internet dating exists. 

I swear 18th century costumes make any plot line sexier. That's also on the books.

It's brilliantly shot, and executed, and as a film is almost pitch perfect in narrative, aesthetic, and every other possible detail. Every time I see a costume that astounds me I immediately thought 'take that Sofia Coppola!' and that's always a good thing. This is a film that gets it right, and really reminds us that true love and romance did in fact exist at one point, where people sacrificed everything for it, and it's not like Grey's Anatomy at all out there, you just would have had to have lived 200 years ago, when there was no indoor plumbing. So you take the good with the bad. But seriously, watch this film. It's streaming on Netflix. I don't want any excuses.

Trailer below: 

Netflix Pick: Scandal

Kerry Washington as Olivia Pope. I really hope this causes a spike in Law School admissions this year.

So I just started watching Scandal (yeah I know, I'm like three season's late, fuck off I'm busy), and yes Kerry Washington is my newest girl crush, are  you kidding me? She's so hot I swear the temperature of my computer screen went up every time the camera focused on her (ok that's crazy-cheesy but whatever). So how would I describe this show? It's House of Cards meets The Practice with a His Girl Friday (1940) seedy underbelly to it.

If you haven't seen His Girl Friday, 1. you're a pathetic excuse for a human being, 2. Let me explain it to you. It was a seminal feminist film directed by Howard Hawkes about a newspaper in which there is a conflict of interest that is hilarious between soon to be divorced couple Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell. The thing about the film, is that it is famous for the characters talking like a million times faster than usual. It was a 90 page script and made for an hour and 5 minute film. That's somewhat of the flavor that is added to the pot of the sizzle of Scandal. 

Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell engaged in a battle of wits in His Girl Friday (1940) a lot of which the latter wins.

Kerry Washington plays the feared-by-all uberbitch lawyer Olivia Pope whom everyone including the most powerful men in the world (yes, I'm talking The President) fear, and who is a 'fixer' of sorts for high profile scandals. She has an army of what each refers to as 'gladiators in suits' who do her bidding for her, and are all just as tough. They have to be or their ass is right the fuck out in the bitter DC cold. This includes freakin' Desmond from Lost (Henry Ian Cusick) and within the second episode I'm already on a learning frenzy, and no not the square root of anything, but apparently if you're visiting a prostitute code for her having it all shaved is that there are hard wood floors in her apartment, you know, important life stuff like that. Within the third episode all kinds of serious shit goes down and it's up to Olivia to fix it, and she does; with the fire and wit of a modern day Rosalind Russell and the bitch virtuosity of a hot Ruth Bader Ginsburg. 

Gladiators in suits. The bulk of Pope's law firm, with The President (Tony Goldwyn, wait, that Tony Goldwyn? yeah, that Tony Goldwyn) on the far right.

This is NOT a really good night-time soap, this is a seriously underrated show and has as much...well scandal as say something like House of Cards, and though at times self-righteous, it is not nearly as pretentious, which is why I'd rather watch it. If you read my blog you know how cantankerous I am so this should come as no shock to you (the prior) statement I mean. Granted, I've only been through the first season, but I can't wait to see what's in store coming up. 

Meet Olivia Pope...

A bit from His Girl Friday... 

Dear J.J. Abrams: Bring Back Lost!

The cast of Lost, most of them household names because of the series

I know you are circling heaven in Richard Branson's spaceship right now with your movie career but let's admit it, your crowning achievement and what they will probably engrave on your tombstone is: Here Lies J.J. Abrams, creator of Lost (2004 - 2010). Now, let's give credit where credit is due, although you were the co-creator and exec producer we all know who the two people were that made Lost basically the best thing to happen to television ever, since perhaps the Twlight Zone and Doctor Who (in the TV Sci-Fi cannon at least); Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof.

Cuse and Lindelof, the masterminds behind Lost

Save for the 6th season, Lost is a show that you seriously marathon until your mind is muddled with all kinds of questions and no answers and yet you still can't get enough, as far as human brains are concerned it's probably up to par with black tar heroin (not like I know) but everything else, Battlestar Gallactica, Fringe, and non-sci-fi shows have been more or less incomparable.

To this day, if I'm feeling down, I'll go to my Netflix queue for a good old Lost episode (from Season 3 preferably, because that's the best one in my opinion) and settle in for some seriously weird shit that I enjoy immeasurably, even though I can probably recite it as a one woman show verbatim, though that would be slightly weird. 

Promo still for the 6th season, which admittedly was extremely bad because the writers had basically written themselves into corners and realized they had to end a show quickly and had left too many doors opened.

It was the first show to have it's own Wiki page (Lostpedia), and the formula of having a cast of over 20 principal characters and more questions than answers worked like a charm. Even people resistant to the franchise got addicted after the first sweet hit of that meticulously woven web of Polar bears, four-toed statues, hatches, and hot, sweaty, and tan people stranded on a mysterious island.

Admit it, you miss it. And it's unfair that it can't go on forever just because actors wants to 'focus on their careers or whatever' I would be more than happy to cuddle up with a never-ending array of crazy and inexplicable occurrences that I would never believe can actually happen and are only appropriate in this idiom. In my opinion, at least in this genre, nothing has been as good before or since and I bloody well miss it. So, J. J., please I'm begging you, send the entire crew back to Hawaii, and resume principal photography.

This is basically how I watched Lost

Trailer for Season 1. Oh the memories.

Sleeping Beauty; A Real Snoozefest

Classy whoredom.

I finally watched the Jane Campion produced Sleeping Beauty (2011) by first time director Julia Leigh and it was rather interesting if it wasn't so goddamn boring. I've been following this film for a while because it seemed bizarre, sexual, and Jane Campion had something to do with it, but it's the same old whore story, with a really sick twist. With that indie-film flare where people spend a lot of their time just walking without anything playing in the background, just to provide 'exposition' or as i like to call it 'time filler', Sleeping Beauty began to scare me after the first few scenes, kind of like the what the hell did I just get myself into scare. And yeah it turned out to be like Eyes Wide Shut (1999) on Xanax.
Lucy (Emily Browning) is a struggling student who supplements her income by being a guinea pig for a medical school and performing messy blow jobs for drunk Aussies in putrid upscale bars. One day she answers an ad in whatever Australia's version of The Pennysaver is (highly likely) for a strange kind of prostitution gig. It's of course very classy and the meticulously to match the insatiable appetite of their older and wealthy (probably) old money perverted clientele. There are weird dinner parties where all the men enjoy wine being poured to them by girls in bondage lengerie; just basically everything I once hoped and dreamed for myself, just kidding...or am I?

Lucy gets inspected for scars and moles. Yeah, I'd be annoyed too.

But what Lucy's particularly good at is sleeping. Let me explain. She drinks a special concoction that her pimp, a very classy older woman with a ridiculous Jean Paul-Gaultier in the 80's wardrobe and hairdo makes for her which I assume has a serious amount of tranquilizer in it, and that knocks her out. Then the Kubrick influence is prevalent again because we always cut to her in a room that I swear was designed after the dying room of Dr. David Bowman in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1969). She's lying there motionless in a dreamless sleep (hopefully) As an older naked man is able to do what ever he wants with her, except no penetration. One time an angry bastard puts his cigarette out in her ear, but you know, she's a whore so kind of goes with the territory, this happens for about 40 minutes of the film repeating itself and I'm praying I fall asleep myself and a young hot gentleman comes over and does stuff to me, instead of these old hairy somewhat aggressive and somewhat Uncle Fester meets Albert Brooks kind of men, but anyway I finally finished watching and there is a twist at the end, which almost makes this movie bearable but not really.

Cuddling but no fucking. It's a golden rule.

 It's a poor Freshman effort and you're better off skipping it. It's like an Ozon movie gone wrong. If it was directed by a Frenchie it probably would have been eons better. Now if you'll excuse me I have to watch something else that has been staring at me in my queue for ages; Whore's Glory (2012), wish me luck. 

Trailer below