It's Good to Be Back in a Queen

I was going to do a cliche pun on the term queen, but then decided to make an Arrested Development (2003-2005) reference because a voice inside me was saying 'you can, so do'. I am talking about something nothing to do with that nugget of wonderful television, but a new documentary (well, not new, it premiered last January called The Queen of Versailles (2012). It follows the eccentric lives of Timeshare mogul David Seigel who is not unlike notorious embezzler/worst human being of all time next to Hitler, Bernie Madoff. More importantly, it focuses on his wife Jackie, who is also not unlike any given Real Housewife, only smarter and yet worse not only as an excessive narcissist and materialistic shrew.

The two share a San Simeon-esque type of estate, not nestled in the valley of San Luis Opisbo, but in the marshlands of Orlando, FLA, or as I refer to it, God's waiting room. We all know that an American self-made man loves to basically show off his money and scream it into the face of whomever is willing, and usually has deplorable taste. And that is exactly the stereotype that David Seigel lives up to. 

Mrs. Seigel and her eight kids. Watch the full film and she'll tell you just why she has so many.

David Seigel is his generation's William Randolph Hearst, a man with too much money, not enough empathy, and minimal regard for anyone around him. He is always about acquisition and superiority, which eventually lead to his demise because below the facade of large and grand material things, his life is more or less empty. Filling that empty void, to an extent is the Queen of Versailles, Jackie Seigel, his wife. She is so called because the house, rather estate that the two set out to build was named after the palace of Louis XIV of the 17th century. Now, I know what you're thinking, who is classless enough as to try to replicate one of the most famous landmarks of the world's history and the answer is a billionaire white trash couple in the Everglades. 

Well long story short, you can guess what happens. What does Timeshare offer? Expensive real estate sold as vacations at 10% when it's worth 90% of the original cost. Why did the stock market crash? Real Estate sold at 10% when it was worth as 90%, so who went under? David Seigel. What happened to his mansion Versailles (which was bigger than the white house by the way) it got put up for sale? Did anyone buy it? What do you think. 

Anywho...just watch it. It's one of those that I cannot find any snide, cynical, or pessimistic comments that would make it stand on end. This is a film that needs none of that. So I suppose this serves as an introduction.

Housewives Stuff...I Guess

So basically Brandi did the worst thing possible to do or say about someone and alleged that Adrienne had all of her children via surrogate. It was petty mean girl gossip and it was just as incendiary as something like that would be expected to be. It was a cry for attention at best.

Dear readers, I am beyond remorseful that I have not been able to give  you any material for almost an entire month. Unfortunately I have been kept so busy that aside from not having time to write anything, I haven't had time to watch anything to write about. The only thing I allow myself is time to download episodes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010 - ) and keep on in the background on my daily commute to work. It is literally all I have been kept current on aside from the news. And even then, not so current. For example, I have not watched the episode from this past Monday, it's still downloading to my computer! But let me pretend I have...Brandi makes excuses for being a seriously low-class bitch, Adrienne keeps saying 'That's sooooooo rude' in her Californians-from-SNL twang and being 'outraged', Lisa has problems at SUR with something or other, the varnish I don't know...Taylor is annoying, Yolanda is boring, Kim and Kyle are not getting along, and dun dun dun FAYE shows up! 

Remember Faye? When she first appeared on RHOBH she was referred to quite ironically by Camille Grammer as 'the morally reprehensible Faye Resnick'. For those of you not in the know, Faye was a close and dear friend of Nicole Brown Simpson and testified against OJ during his trial. Camille initially alleged that Faye was degenerate because she did a spread for Playboy within a few months of the trial's conclusion, as if Camille didn't do any spreading in Playboy herself, but that's old gravy.

Faye looks like the quintessential Beverly Hills housewife, more so than any of the principal cast themselves. With all of the technology that has progressed breast-augmentation to an art form, it makes wonky 90's implants that much easier to spot because they look like someone stuck a coconut bra on a woman and painted it flesh-colored. 

Faye Resnick's Playboy spread, believe me, the black squares are a fucking favor.

Also, she has one of those unfortunate melted-face looks and the weave is not fooling anyone. All of that being said, she's actually not that bad of a person, you just have to see beyond the enhancements. Anyway, I'm not sure what went down, but I'll find out tonight. Frankly, Faye is not that interesting of an addition to the narrative because she brings too much common sense and not enough high-school-type dramarific buzzfeed to the little group within which we are seeing just a few too many cracks of late. 

Also, not sure if I'm on Brandi's side anymore. Not that I'll ever be on Miss Maloof's side either, so for now I'm putting myself on team Lisa. As always, where it's safe and warm and full of pink roses and diamonds. As I type this, I am finishing watching that last episode and guess what all of my predictions are true, fancy that! I find it beyond hilarious how Yolanda is so out of the loop that just to keep her on the show they show her exercising, and get this: talking about how jealous she is of her young daughter because everything on her body is 'tight'. Someone needs to give this bitch a basket of poison apples and a pointy tiara because she's this close to sucking her blood.

So far, I'm not really a fan. They brought in Brandi to be a bombshell in every respect of the word, but instead of blowing people away, her plan is backfiring all over the place. So, um...I guess let's wait until the next episode and hope for the best.