Based on the Half Hour of Liz and Dick That I Watched Here Are My Thoughts

I think from the side, Lilo's lips look even more hideous.

Oh where to start where to start, I imagine dear reader that you believe someone like myself reviewing something as gloriously cheeseball as Liz and Dick (2012) is like a kid on a field day after smoking the best crack he's ever had and drinking 13 red bulls. Alas, it's all rather depressing. There are so many points I want to make, yet all of them seem redundant. I mean let's talk about the veritable truths that bind together all of mankind. Lindsay Lohan is an awful train-wreck, made-for-tv biopics are the kiss of death, no one compares to Elizabeth Taylor nor should ever try to play her period, and gaudy costumes and breathless delivery do not make a movie. How many times do I have to say this before people actually listen is the real question. Unfortunately the answer is forever...or I develop rheumatoid arthritis in both hands. 

Cut, print, shit.

So why did I turn on the TV? Well I had just completely an arduous 7 hour drive back from the Bay Area to Los Angeles, unpacked and turned on Lifetime enough to catch LiLo as Lizzy getting Richard Burton (Grant Bowler) drunk in her dressing room because he was way too hungover to perform ANYTHING on one particular day in the Roman heat dressed to the nines as Mark Antony, and her rather dowdy and frumpy, and so not nearly as fabulous as Elizabeth Taylor was back then, extra weight and everything. She calls him the 'Welsh Don Juan' and expresses her fears of being 'just another notch on his belt' like that phrase hasn't been done to death, thank you writers. 

Eventually they fuck and all is well in spouse-cheating land. That is until this new phenom enters the picture, these mosquito-like buzzing photographers that squat in bushes and jump out in front of cars. They mention how Fellini coined the term for the little fuckers called 'paparazzi', thanks for that impromptu film studies lesson idiots. Fellini is crying in heaven that you dare mention his name. Moving on.

Aside from everything else wrong with this picture, did anyone else notice how 'glazed over' LiLo seemed to be the whole time? I mean, I've heard of method acting, but I don't think that's what this is.

 There's a montage of fucking, which is highly gross considering even made up as Liz Taylor LiLo is beyond undesirable. She's definitely an 'if-i-had-to' kinda girl, but even then I could almost see the Hep-C being transmitted as Grant kissed her with the most faux passion he could muster without gagging. 

Oh and beyond that, they have to dumb it down by having the two leads sit in directors chairs and talk about each other in the third person basically explaining what just happened in the previous scene to us like we're all completely retarded. The only piece of method acting that LiLo is able to apply to this travesty is how well she smokes her cigarettes. For some reason I hate it when you get a non-smoking actor to play a chainsmoking character. They always go at the cig like they're performing fellatio on it...so I guess good job there, LiLo. 

Right as the Ambien was taking effect and I was about to rid myself of this shitshow, a drunken Burton makes the startling announcement that would destroy dear Liz's 4th marraige to Eddie Fisher in front of Eddie Fisher; they are in love, and fucking like a lot, so uh if he wouldn't mind getting the hell out of the way everyone would really appreciate it. 

Playing dress up is always fun, so is recreating iconic photos, but this is people's lives here, not Halloween k folks?

Then LiLo runs her pretty head off outside in tears; 'oy the mess i've gotten myself into again' certainly permeating through her head. And then there's another fuck montage. As I have actually read bios on Elizabeth Taylor and just finished 'Furious Love' (2011); the definitive account of Burton-Taylor crazyballs shenanigans, I knew what was going to come next and I was not in the mood. Fucking and fighting seem to go hand in hand in the story of Liz and Dick, but in this film, each is equally as displeasurable as the other. Also, just like Meg Ryan, Lilo's lips had become a fixture. I was tired of looking at them. They seemed to overwhelm the screen and there was little else I could pay attention to. So I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, and woke up the next morning with a bitter taste in my mouth. It was not the bitterness of disappointment I assure you, as I had prepared myself for this for months. It's hard to be disappointed at something you knew was going to be stanky garbage to begin with, but I felt it unfair that people had to be subjected to it, though I knew no one would ever take this seriously. It happened, and now we can all move on.

Trailer below. 'Are you convinced?' ....never was.

Today, We Toast The Death Of Twilight

Run bitch! Your career is burning down!

 Today is the big day Twi-hard idiots! I hope you are already calling in sick from work to risk potentially being fired so that you can sit in the shitty rainy weather waiting to be the first loser out of all your loser friends to buy a ticket to the mercifully last installment of the adaptation of the shittiest literature ever to happen to the English language!
Here's a big toast to you, your mother's basement, and the end of Kristen Stewart's career! It's been a long time coming, but hey dropping out of college to start your own Team Jacob fan club was totally worth it.

But you know what? The journey continues. Because how will future generations ever know truly how far we've fallen as a species and how poorly we execute creative concepts if you don't live to tell your pod children about it eventually.
Now, understanding that you're probably celibate because of lessons you've picked up from Stephanie Meyer and believe that every guy you ever will meet will have the ability to accidentally fuck you to death, you will eventually proceed with some kind of artificial insemination type deal...or you're just going to end up reading the books to your exotic bird collection. 

In all seriousness though, I wish you the best, but by no means do I think you'll ever achieve it. Your ambition to be a writer like Stephanie Meyer is not going to make you rich because you'll soon realize that we only tolerate that kind of thing once every millennium. So here's my tip for you, every penny you save from your parents still giving you allowance because you still live at home save towards your therapy, because the notion that there is no man out there like Edward Cullen is going to hit you hard believe me. Fill up on the Paxil, because life is going to be really really sad. Anyway, get back to your sparkling apple cider and your weird Mulholland Dr. (2001) type masturbation. It really is the end of a sick and embarrassing era. BTdubs, I'm pretty sure drinking human blood is a felony, last time I checked, just keep that in mind.

Great article (almost too great) about how Twilight would have done better as porn. In 100% agreement. 

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figures

Trailer to the shitshow below. 

Real Housewives of the Most Famous Zip Code in the World Premieres for It's 3rd Season

Still from Bravo's promo for the 3rd season featuring(L to R) Kyle Richards, Brandi Glanville, and Lisa Vanderpump. Beverly Hills is about to get cold, bitches.

Well bitches, it's official. My ultimate favorite show is alive and well at the Bravo network. After the balls-to-the-wall insanity of the last season even execs like Andy Cohen were taking a long hard look in the mirror to make the decision as to bring it back. But nothing, I mean nothing deters the trajectory of Bravo's campiest TV show. Not even death. And quite honestly now that Russell is dead and buried there is a lot less awkwardness to the whole atmosphere.

There are a couple of new additions and subtractions to take note of. America's most hated housewife and now the one who's side we're all on, Camille Grammer is out of the loop, but considering tv spots for the season, looks like she does show up for some good old fashioned passive aggressive catiness.

Filling her silicon-enhanced shoes is Brandi Glanville, officially my favorite Real Housewife and she's only been on as a regular for two episodes. You might remember her from last season, she hobbled on the scene in crutches and completely sans filter. A former model, and newly divorced she had a mouth on her that none of the housewives appreciated at first, but that's because they all love acting pretentious. Anyway, Brandi is by far the hottest, youngest, and tallest of the bunch, and all though somewhat hairbrained, clearly eons more mature than most of them. 

It's revealed that Paul Nassif, Adrienne's now ex-husband calls Brandi a bitch to her face and she is not happy about it. She's already proven that where she goes, the drama goes, but so do the ratings so more power to her.

Another addition is the ice queen herself, or at least someone that looks like the human manifestation of it; Yolanda Foster. She looks like a cross between an extra from a Broadway revival of Cats, Leonna Helmsley, and what every American imagines every Swedish woman looks like. The irony of it being, she's Dutch. Anyway, she seems to be somewhat of a clever kitty with a kind of quiet and insidious nature. But I have a feeling that although rather boring as of now, eventually we'll all be taking her side. She's definitely the 'observer' of the group. 

Thanks to the wonderful world of celebrity-blogging, we are all now well aware of Adrienne's split from husband Paul Nassif, which quite honestly was a shocker when we all first heard about it considering they had what seemed to be the most solid relationship in that she told him what to do and he complied, but it will still be fun in a sick way to find out exactly what happens, the uglier the better.

Aside from that, here's shit that's been going down within the group. Lisa Vanderpump and frenemy Adrienne Maloof no longer speak to each other or live across the road from each other, and in Beverly Hills once you move mansions to get away from someone else you're pretty much dunzo. Taylor is 10 pounds heavier (something she does not stop repeating) sans abusive deranged husband, and using way too much beige lipstick, but still kicking. Kim Richards is sober and very awkwardly so. She's definitely in that stage of sobriety where you hate everything and can't stand to be around anybody so you kick the cat when you come home every night. I don't know about you, but I miss the old crazypants Kim. Kyle is trying to shed her mean girl reputation which she built up beautifully last season and is focusing on her ridiculously perfect family making us all hate her anyway. Everyone is still filthy rich despite the recession, insider trading scandals, houses burning down, and market crashes which is strange, so I'm assuming that each one of the lovely ladies garners about a million an episode from the Bravo bank vault. And though the first episode was somewhat of a snoozefest it looks like this season is going to be a few clowns short of a circus which is nothing short of what we should expect. Tune in! You're in for a bumpy ride. 

Below, season 3 promo.

Will Skyfall (2012) Let Us Down in the Visual Pleasure Department?

Skyfall (2012) promises to be packed with action...and not much else.

 Skyfall (2012) is well on it's way to being released and the big question on everyone's mind is just how much pussy is Blonde Bond going to get this time around, and how hot will the pussy be? Every Bond installment, aside from the initial 'what the fuck' moment we all have when we realize who the new Bond will be and how he couldn't possibly compare to the Bonds before him, the next thought to enter our minds is 'I really need to rub one out to that hot chick, whatever her name is'. And that's truly the staple of the Bond franchise; the Bond girl. And not only has she been getting more and more exotic, and more and more ridiculous in terms of her ethereal superiority aesthetically speaking, but this time, I think they dropped the ball. It's bland meets bland, and Eve Moneypenny's legacy is totally going down the crapper and fast.

My favorite contemporary Bond girl has to be Eva Green. She's a hugely unconventional choice for this, and perhaps one of the most photogenic human beings on the planet. Also her accent is hot. Winning!

In Quantum of Solace (2008), I really think they reached their zenith by casting not only Eva Green reprising her role from Casino Royale (2006) but Olga Kurylenko as well, I mean that's a hot sandwich that any guy would kill to be in the middle of.

Eva Green has perhaps the best rack this side of pretentious French actresses, and Olga Kurylenko has that Ukranian supermodel thing going for her, so as Bond girls, they are just as iconic as someone like Ursula Andress.

Naomie Harris, the newest Bond girl. Looks like she just walked off the set of Glee.

This new franchise has clearly been about the masculinity of Bond on an action level rather than a womanizing level. How much testosterone he produces is in direct correlation with how many things he blows up rather than how much pussy he gets. What was always great about Bond was that he was a brilliant confluence of the two. Even Batman had his leanings, such as he was great as saving the world from demented creatures but really shitty at long-term relationships. 

Maybe it's just me but I don't consider the new Bond girls any kind of boner worthy; they are pretty, sure, but keep in mind the insane level of aptitude they are competing with. This isn't Junior Varsity Flag Team, this is Bond Girl status. That's pretty immortal to me, and I'm just thinking, this time around, with Naomie Harris, it's going to be a little blah with a dash of whatever. But at least we'll have Adele's beatiful voice over the whole thing, ask me we could have done with her beautiful face in it too. Just because the girl's packing some junk in the trunk doesn't mean the Bond Girl title should be exclusive of her am I right? Why is it that the skinny bitch has always got to do it? Anyway, beats me.

Trailer below.

Teenage Culture is Fascinating

Cody Simpson, the new next big thing to help us fill that Justin Bieber void after we collectively realized he can peace the fuck back out to Canada.

It really is. I mean, I'm in my late 20's and people completely stop being interesting at that point. They either become dull or hateful. Everyone's scared of each other, everyone's judgmental and obnoxious, and you really start only giving shits about yourself. So basically what I'm saying is that the real world makes you into an asshole, and that's basically a scientific certainty, in the exact same language.

The idea that 20-somethings who are overworked underpaid and enormously in debt from way misguided attempts to do something meaningful during college are trying to dictate what is cool and what is not is preposterous. Since the dawn of teenagers, they have been at the forefront of what we accept and don't accept as popular culture.

If you think about it with teen idols entering into adulthood with Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift fast approaching the drinking age (in fact, I'm pretty sure Taylor is like 23 at this point) a new crop of badly groomed squeaky teen idols are just waiting to take their spots with their kicks more neon than Justin Biebers, and their hair more gelled than Robert Pattinson's. And here's the thing, considering teenagers as self-aware as they are have no concept whatsoever of shame, they are able to basically bring whatever the fuck they feel like to the fore and we're like 'mmmkay, guess we're now dealing with this shit'.

Wes Anderson has never made films from the point of view of anyone who has matured beyond the mental age of 16, which is exactly why he's so fucking popular. Still from Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

Self-consiousness, self-loathing, and general insecurity is generally something that manifests itself after that initial teenage period where the psychology is much more a cloak of invincibility. That is why the culture that comes out of that meliu is so balls-to-the-wall ridiculous, especially the sexual culture. They are too young to understand the pathos of sexuality on any kind of mature level (obviously) all they know is they like it, and they want more of it, so basically that leads to all kinds of innuendo that suggest rather than graphically exploits. Whenever those lines are blurred, teenagers find it highly confusing and repugnant. Example: the infamous Miley Cyrus spread for Vanity Fair that Annie Lebovitz shot.

Miley Cyrus cements her status as jail-bait thanks to a little help from Annie Lebovitz.

And in the end isn't that how we should all be, confused but highly arrogant, sexually charged but sexually frustrated and never-endingly obsessed with pretty people? Seems like an ideal state of mind to me, also in a way very Warholian, which to me makes it all the more appealing. Regression is IN, personal growth is out. It's overrated and passe. No one is interested in evolving; the more we know the less we care. So turn off the CNN debate, and turn on the VMA's and get back to the superficial things in life. You'll be surprised how wonderful it is.