It's Good to Be Back in a Queen

I was going to do a cliche pun on the term queen, but then decided to make an Arrested Development (2003-2005) reference because a voice inside me was saying 'you can, so do'. I am talking about something nothing to do with that nugget of wonderful television, but a new documentary (well, not new, it premiered last January called The Queen of Versailles (2012). It follows the eccentric lives of Timeshare mogul David Seigel who is not unlike notorious embezzler/worst human being of all time next to Hitler, Bernie Madoff. More importantly, it focuses on his wife Jackie, who is also not unlike any given Real Housewife, only smarter and yet worse not only as an excessive narcissist and materialistic shrew.

The two share a San Simeon-esque type of estate, not nestled in the valley of San Luis Opisbo, but in the marshlands of Orlando, FLA, or as I refer to it, God's waiting room. We all know that an American self-made man loves to basically show off his money and scream it into the face of whomever is willing, and usually has deplorable taste. And that is exactly the stereotype that David Seigel lives up to. 

Mrs. Seigel and her eight kids. Watch the full film and she'll tell you just why she has so many.

David Seigel is his generation's William Randolph Hearst, a man with too much money, not enough empathy, and minimal regard for anyone around him. He is always about acquisition and superiority, which eventually lead to his demise because below the facade of large and grand material things, his life is more or less empty. Filling that empty void, to an extent is the Queen of Versailles, Jackie Seigel, his wife. She is so called because the house, rather estate that the two set out to build was named after the palace of Louis XIV of the 17th century. Now, I know what you're thinking, who is classless enough as to try to replicate one of the most famous landmarks of the world's history and the answer is a billionaire white trash couple in the Everglades. 

Well long story short, you can guess what happens. What does Timeshare offer? Expensive real estate sold as vacations at 10% when it's worth 90% of the original cost. Why did the stock market crash? Real Estate sold at 10% when it was worth as 90%, so who went under? David Seigel. What happened to his mansion Versailles (which was bigger than the white house by the way) it got put up for sale? Did anyone buy it? What do you think. 

Anywho...just watch it. It's one of those that I cannot find any snide, cynical, or pessimistic comments that would make it stand on end. This is a film that needs none of that. So I suppose this serves as an introduction.

Housewives Stuff...I Guess

So basically Brandi did the worst thing possible to do or say about someone and alleged that Adrienne had all of her children via surrogate. It was petty mean girl gossip and it was just as incendiary as something like that would be expected to be. It was a cry for attention at best.

Dear readers, I am beyond remorseful that I have not been able to give  you any material for almost an entire month. Unfortunately I have been kept so busy that aside from not having time to write anything, I haven't had time to watch anything to write about. The only thing I allow myself is time to download episodes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010 - ) and keep on in the background on my daily commute to work. It is literally all I have been kept current on aside from the news. And even then, not so current. For example, I have not watched the episode from this past Monday, it's still downloading to my computer! But let me pretend I have...Brandi makes excuses for being a seriously low-class bitch, Adrienne keeps saying 'That's sooooooo rude' in her Californians-from-SNL twang and being 'outraged', Lisa has problems at SUR with something or other, the varnish I don't know...Taylor is annoying, Yolanda is boring, Kim and Kyle are not getting along, and dun dun dun FAYE shows up! 

Remember Faye? When she first appeared on RHOBH she was referred to quite ironically by Camille Grammer as 'the morally reprehensible Faye Resnick'. For those of you not in the know, Faye was a close and dear friend of Nicole Brown Simpson and testified against OJ during his trial. Camille initially alleged that Faye was degenerate because she did a spread for Playboy within a few months of the trial's conclusion, as if Camille didn't do any spreading in Playboy herself, but that's old gravy.

Faye looks like the quintessential Beverly Hills housewife, more so than any of the principal cast themselves. With all of the technology that has progressed breast-augmentation to an art form, it makes wonky 90's implants that much easier to spot because they look like someone stuck a coconut bra on a woman and painted it flesh-colored. 

Faye Resnick's Playboy spread, believe me, the black squares are a fucking favor.

Also, she has one of those unfortunate melted-face looks and the weave is not fooling anyone. All of that being said, she's actually not that bad of a person, you just have to see beyond the enhancements. Anyway, I'm not sure what went down, but I'll find out tonight. Frankly, Faye is not that interesting of an addition to the narrative because she brings too much common sense and not enough high-school-type dramarific buzzfeed to the little group within which we are seeing just a few too many cracks of late. 

Also, not sure if I'm on Brandi's side anymore. Not that I'll ever be on Miss Maloof's side either, so for now I'm putting myself on team Lisa. As always, where it's safe and warm and full of pink roses and diamonds. As I type this, I am finishing watching that last episode and guess what all of my predictions are true, fancy that! I find it beyond hilarious how Yolanda is so out of the loop that just to keep her on the show they show her exercising, and get this: talking about how jealous she is of her young daughter because everything on her body is 'tight'. Someone needs to give this bitch a basket of poison apples and a pointy tiara because she's this close to sucking her blood.

So far, I'm not really a fan. They brought in Brandi to be a bombshell in every respect of the word, but instead of blowing people away, her plan is backfiring all over the place. So, um...I guess let's wait until the next episode and hope for the best. 

Based on the Half Hour of Liz and Dick That I Watched Here Are My Thoughts

I think from the side, Lilo's lips look even more hideous.

Oh where to start where to start, I imagine dear reader that you believe someone like myself reviewing something as gloriously cheeseball as Liz and Dick (2012) is like a kid on a field day after smoking the best crack he's ever had and drinking 13 red bulls. Alas, it's all rather depressing. There are so many points I want to make, yet all of them seem redundant. I mean let's talk about the veritable truths that bind together all of mankind. Lindsay Lohan is an awful train-wreck, made-for-tv biopics are the kiss of death, no one compares to Elizabeth Taylor nor should ever try to play her period, and gaudy costumes and breathless delivery do not make a movie. How many times do I have to say this before people actually listen is the real question. Unfortunately the answer is forever...or I develop rheumatoid arthritis in both hands. 

Cut, print, shit.

So why did I turn on the TV? Well I had just completely an arduous 7 hour drive back from the Bay Area to Los Angeles, unpacked and turned on Lifetime enough to catch LiLo as Lizzy getting Richard Burton (Grant Bowler) drunk in her dressing room because he was way too hungover to perform ANYTHING on one particular day in the Roman heat dressed to the nines as Mark Antony, and her rather dowdy and frumpy, and so not nearly as fabulous as Elizabeth Taylor was back then, extra weight and everything. She calls him the 'Welsh Don Juan' and expresses her fears of being 'just another notch on his belt' like that phrase hasn't been done to death, thank you writers. 

Eventually they fuck and all is well in spouse-cheating land. That is until this new phenom enters the picture, these mosquito-like buzzing photographers that squat in bushes and jump out in front of cars. They mention how Fellini coined the term for the little fuckers called 'paparazzi', thanks for that impromptu film studies lesson idiots. Fellini is crying in heaven that you dare mention his name. Moving on.

Aside from everything else wrong with this picture, did anyone else notice how 'glazed over' LiLo seemed to be the whole time? I mean, I've heard of method acting, but I don't think that's what this is.

 There's a montage of fucking, which is highly gross considering even made up as Liz Taylor LiLo is beyond undesirable. She's definitely an 'if-i-had-to' kinda girl, but even then I could almost see the Hep-C being transmitted as Grant kissed her with the most faux passion he could muster without gagging. 

Oh and beyond that, they have to dumb it down by having the two leads sit in directors chairs and talk about each other in the third person basically explaining what just happened in the previous scene to us like we're all completely retarded. The only piece of method acting that LiLo is able to apply to this travesty is how well she smokes her cigarettes. For some reason I hate it when you get a non-smoking actor to play a chainsmoking character. They always go at the cig like they're performing fellatio on it...so I guess good job there, LiLo. 

Right as the Ambien was taking effect and I was about to rid myself of this shitshow, a drunken Burton makes the startling announcement that would destroy dear Liz's 4th marraige to Eddie Fisher in front of Eddie Fisher; they are in love, and fucking like a lot, so uh if he wouldn't mind getting the hell out of the way everyone would really appreciate it. 

Playing dress up is always fun, so is recreating iconic photos, but this is people's lives here, not Halloween k folks?

Then LiLo runs her pretty head off outside in tears; 'oy the mess i've gotten myself into again' certainly permeating through her head. And then there's another fuck montage. As I have actually read bios on Elizabeth Taylor and just finished 'Furious Love' (2011); the definitive account of Burton-Taylor crazyballs shenanigans, I knew what was going to come next and I was not in the mood. Fucking and fighting seem to go hand in hand in the story of Liz and Dick, but in this film, each is equally as displeasurable as the other. Also, just like Meg Ryan, Lilo's lips had become a fixture. I was tired of looking at them. They seemed to overwhelm the screen and there was little else I could pay attention to. So I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, and woke up the next morning with a bitter taste in my mouth. It was not the bitterness of disappointment I assure you, as I had prepared myself for this for months. It's hard to be disappointed at something you knew was going to be stanky garbage to begin with, but I felt it unfair that people had to be subjected to it, though I knew no one would ever take this seriously. It happened, and now we can all move on.

Trailer below. 'Are you convinced?' ....never was.

Today, We Toast The Death Of Twilight

Run bitch! Your career is burning down!

 Today is the big day Twi-hard idiots! I hope you are already calling in sick from work to risk potentially being fired so that you can sit in the shitty rainy weather waiting to be the first loser out of all your loser friends to buy a ticket to the mercifully last installment of the adaptation of the shittiest literature ever to happen to the English language!
Here's a big toast to you, your mother's basement, and the end of Kristen Stewart's career! It's been a long time coming, but hey dropping out of college to start your own Team Jacob fan club was totally worth it.

But you know what? The journey continues. Because how will future generations ever know truly how far we've fallen as a species and how poorly we execute creative concepts if you don't live to tell your pod children about it eventually.
Now, understanding that you're probably celibate because of lessons you've picked up from Stephanie Meyer and believe that every guy you ever will meet will have the ability to accidentally fuck you to death, you will eventually proceed with some kind of artificial insemination type deal...or you're just going to end up reading the books to your exotic bird collection. 

In all seriousness though, I wish you the best, but by no means do I think you'll ever achieve it. Your ambition to be a writer like Stephanie Meyer is not going to make you rich because you'll soon realize that we only tolerate that kind of thing once every millennium. So here's my tip for you, every penny you save from your parents still giving you allowance because you still live at home save towards your therapy, because the notion that there is no man out there like Edward Cullen is going to hit you hard believe me. Fill up on the Paxil, because life is going to be really really sad. Anyway, get back to your sparkling apple cider and your weird Mulholland Dr. (2001) type masturbation. It really is the end of a sick and embarrassing era. BTdubs, I'm pretty sure drinking human blood is a felony, last time I checked, just keep that in mind.

Great article (almost too great) about how Twilight would have done better as porn. In 100% agreement. 

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figures

Trailer to the shitshow below. 

Real Housewives of the Most Famous Zip Code in the World Premieres for It's 3rd Season

Still from Bravo's promo for the 3rd season featuring(L to R) Kyle Richards, Brandi Glanville, and Lisa Vanderpump. Beverly Hills is about to get cold, bitches.

Well bitches, it's official. My ultimate favorite show is alive and well at the Bravo network. After the balls-to-the-wall insanity of the last season even execs like Andy Cohen were taking a long hard look in the mirror to make the decision as to bring it back. But nothing, I mean nothing deters the trajectory of Bravo's campiest TV show. Not even death. And quite honestly now that Russell is dead and buried there is a lot less awkwardness to the whole atmosphere.

There are a couple of new additions and subtractions to take note of. America's most hated housewife and now the one who's side we're all on, Camille Grammer is out of the loop, but considering tv spots for the season, looks like she does show up for some good old fashioned passive aggressive catiness.

Filling her silicon-enhanced shoes is Brandi Glanville, officially my favorite Real Housewife and she's only been on as a regular for two episodes. You might remember her from last season, she hobbled on the scene in crutches and completely sans filter. A former model, and newly divorced she had a mouth on her that none of the housewives appreciated at first, but that's because they all love acting pretentious. Anyway, Brandi is by far the hottest, youngest, and tallest of the bunch, and all though somewhat hairbrained, clearly eons more mature than most of them. 

It's revealed that Paul Nassif, Adrienne's now ex-husband calls Brandi a bitch to her face and she is not happy about it. She's already proven that where she goes, the drama goes, but so do the ratings so more power to her.

Another addition is the ice queen herself, or at least someone that looks like the human manifestation of it; Yolanda Foster. She looks like a cross between an extra from a Broadway revival of Cats, Leonna Helmsley, and what every American imagines every Swedish woman looks like. The irony of it being, she's Dutch. Anyway, she seems to be somewhat of a clever kitty with a kind of quiet and insidious nature. But I have a feeling that although rather boring as of now, eventually we'll all be taking her side. She's definitely the 'observer' of the group. 

Thanks to the wonderful world of celebrity-blogging, we are all now well aware of Adrienne's split from husband Paul Nassif, which quite honestly was a shocker when we all first heard about it considering they had what seemed to be the most solid relationship in that she told him what to do and he complied, but it will still be fun in a sick way to find out exactly what happens, the uglier the better.

Aside from that, here's shit that's been going down within the group. Lisa Vanderpump and frenemy Adrienne Maloof no longer speak to each other or live across the road from each other, and in Beverly Hills once you move mansions to get away from someone else you're pretty much dunzo. Taylor is 10 pounds heavier (something she does not stop repeating) sans abusive deranged husband, and using way too much beige lipstick, but still kicking. Kim Richards is sober and very awkwardly so. She's definitely in that stage of sobriety where you hate everything and can't stand to be around anybody so you kick the cat when you come home every night. I don't know about you, but I miss the old crazypants Kim. Kyle is trying to shed her mean girl reputation which she built up beautifully last season and is focusing on her ridiculously perfect family making us all hate her anyway. Everyone is still filthy rich despite the recession, insider trading scandals, houses burning down, and market crashes which is strange, so I'm assuming that each one of the lovely ladies garners about a million an episode from the Bravo bank vault. And though the first episode was somewhat of a snoozefest it looks like this season is going to be a few clowns short of a circus which is nothing short of what we should expect. Tune in! You're in for a bumpy ride. 

Below, season 3 promo.

Will Skyfall (2012) Let Us Down in the Visual Pleasure Department?

Skyfall (2012) promises to be packed with action...and not much else.

 Skyfall (2012) is well on it's way to being released and the big question on everyone's mind is just how much pussy is Blonde Bond going to get this time around, and how hot will the pussy be? Every Bond installment, aside from the initial 'what the fuck' moment we all have when we realize who the new Bond will be and how he couldn't possibly compare to the Bonds before him, the next thought to enter our minds is 'I really need to rub one out to that hot chick, whatever her name is'. And that's truly the staple of the Bond franchise; the Bond girl. And not only has she been getting more and more exotic, and more and more ridiculous in terms of her ethereal superiority aesthetically speaking, but this time, I think they dropped the ball. It's bland meets bland, and Eve Moneypenny's legacy is totally going down the crapper and fast.

My favorite contemporary Bond girl has to be Eva Green. She's a hugely unconventional choice for this, and perhaps one of the most photogenic human beings on the planet. Also her accent is hot. Winning!

In Quantum of Solace (2008), I really think they reached their zenith by casting not only Eva Green reprising her role from Casino Royale (2006) but Olga Kurylenko as well, I mean that's a hot sandwich that any guy would kill to be in the middle of.

Eva Green has perhaps the best rack this side of pretentious French actresses, and Olga Kurylenko has that Ukranian supermodel thing going for her, so as Bond girls, they are just as iconic as someone like Ursula Andress.

Naomie Harris, the newest Bond girl. Looks like she just walked off the set of Glee.

This new franchise has clearly been about the masculinity of Bond on an action level rather than a womanizing level. How much testosterone he produces is in direct correlation with how many things he blows up rather than how much pussy he gets. What was always great about Bond was that he was a brilliant confluence of the two. Even Batman had his leanings, such as he was great as saving the world from demented creatures but really shitty at long-term relationships. 

Maybe it's just me but I don't consider the new Bond girls any kind of boner worthy; they are pretty, sure, but keep in mind the insane level of aptitude they are competing with. This isn't Junior Varsity Flag Team, this is Bond Girl status. That's pretty immortal to me, and I'm just thinking, this time around, with Naomie Harris, it's going to be a little blah with a dash of whatever. But at least we'll have Adele's beatiful voice over the whole thing, ask me we could have done with her beautiful face in it too. Just because the girl's packing some junk in the trunk doesn't mean the Bond Girl title should be exclusive of her am I right? Why is it that the skinny bitch has always got to do it? Anyway, beats me.

Trailer below.

Teenage Culture is Fascinating

Cody Simpson, the new next big thing to help us fill that Justin Bieber void after we collectively realized he can peace the fuck back out to Canada.

It really is. I mean, I'm in my late 20's and people completely stop being interesting at that point. They either become dull or hateful. Everyone's scared of each other, everyone's judgmental and obnoxious, and you really start only giving shits about yourself. So basically what I'm saying is that the real world makes you into an asshole, and that's basically a scientific certainty, in the exact same language.

The idea that 20-somethings who are overworked underpaid and enormously in debt from way misguided attempts to do something meaningful during college are trying to dictate what is cool and what is not is preposterous. Since the dawn of teenagers, they have been at the forefront of what we accept and don't accept as popular culture.

If you think about it with teen idols entering into adulthood with Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift fast approaching the drinking age (in fact, I'm pretty sure Taylor is like 23 at this point) a new crop of badly groomed squeaky teen idols are just waiting to take their spots with their kicks more neon than Justin Biebers, and their hair more gelled than Robert Pattinson's. And here's the thing, considering teenagers as self-aware as they are have no concept whatsoever of shame, they are able to basically bring whatever the fuck they feel like to the fore and we're like 'mmmkay, guess we're now dealing with this shit'.

Wes Anderson has never made films from the point of view of anyone who has matured beyond the mental age of 16, which is exactly why he's so fucking popular. Still from Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

Self-consiousness, self-loathing, and general insecurity is generally something that manifests itself after that initial teenage period where the psychology is much more a cloak of invincibility. That is why the culture that comes out of that meliu is so balls-to-the-wall ridiculous, especially the sexual culture. They are too young to understand the pathos of sexuality on any kind of mature level (obviously) all they know is they like it, and they want more of it, so basically that leads to all kinds of innuendo that suggest rather than graphically exploits. Whenever those lines are blurred, teenagers find it highly confusing and repugnant. Example: the infamous Miley Cyrus spread for Vanity Fair that Annie Lebovitz shot.

Miley Cyrus cements her status as jail-bait thanks to a little help from Annie Lebovitz.

And in the end isn't that how we should all be, confused but highly arrogant, sexually charged but sexually frustrated and never-endingly obsessed with pretty people? Seems like an ideal state of mind to me, also in a way very Warholian, which to me makes it all the more appealing. Regression is IN, personal growth is out. It's overrated and passe. No one is interested in evolving; the more we know the less we care. So turn off the CNN debate, and turn on the VMA's and get back to the superficial things in life. You'll be surprised how wonderful it is.

CNN Should Take Cues From Bravo When it Comes to Debates

If the increasingly boring debates are starting to get to you, worry not. Cable networks would never leave you without options. There's always palpable tension, name-calling and general disagreements having all over the place, you just have to know where to look. The 4th Season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey had it's reunion special spread over three weeks and you better be sure they packed enough punches 'cunts' and sparkles into the Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa that would distract the most undecided and clueless voter. 

My advice? Turn off the CNN because Chris Matthews' voice and forehead are both so overbearing and aesthetically offensive and start following Andy Cohen on twitter and DVRing every Bravo show out there.

aesthetically, the Real Housewives is very similar to the debate. I prefer these fabulous couches rather than podiums though.

Bravo exists in a universe where elections, wars, recessions, and general things that the normal person tends to think about don't exist and never have. You ask the average housewife to tell you who the vice president of the country was (which actually happened, on season 3) between the four of them, they won't be able to give you a cohesive answer aside from 'that grey haired guy!'

Bravo is the simplest most profound form of escapism that exists today. That's right, put down the heroin needles and throw away those overpriced tickets to Six Flags, because you can just tune into Bravo on any given day and see what the Top Chefs are up to when they're not competing in basically a gladiatorial version of cooking against each other. 

Bravo has also elevated fighting and verbal jousting into nothing less than an art form. You want to see people argue? It's not going to be at the debate. It's on channel 48, 9pm Eastern Standard Time. Unlike what's expected at the presidential debate, the Bravo reunion specials are usually so outlandish that there's never anything to expect, except walk offs, the occasional hair pulling, and a lot of throwing around the word 'goddamn bitch' and variations of that like 'cunt bitch' 'slut bitch' 'bitch queen' and 'I'll kill your stupid bitch face'. If only Romney and Obama were allowed to talk to each other like that, or at least CNN would put Michelle and Ann in a room together with no windows and some cameras rolling, I'm sure it would be up to par with a Real Housewives reunion in a matter of seconds. Classy ladies have a breaking point too. 

Inner monologue of both: Why thank you, I am more awesome.

 Though Candy Crowley proved to be the most interesting moderator of the entire election, she still can't hold a candle to Andy Cohen who will gladly hold down a housewife as she tries to backhand him to get to her adversary but then toast champagne with her in the next scene. If you ask me, he should have been a moderator at one point, I'm sure somewhere in the back of his mind piled up under confetti and pictures of naked bartenders is that tiny wish to go full on serious journalism a la Anderson Cooper. I mean, the guy can't get enough of making it all about himself no matter how insane the action around him gets. 

Let's face it, how many undecided voters are actually out there, and do any of the debates actually affect our opinion. We're just waiting for that moment where Obama does his little 'booyah' facial expression and pulls out the subtle swag to trip shaky dis-human Romney up on an asinine accusation. And after that, we're waiting for the next SNL cold open to lampoon it. None of us actually care or follow what is being said, be honest. I'm still casting my vote for Obama, and no amount of cat fighting goes on at mid-level university auditoriums is going to affect that. If you want to see some serious passive-aggressive drama and palpable tension manifested in sly backdoor insults, change the channel to Bravo and catch it all.

Below some clips. 

Boy if drama for the white house was only this interesting.

Like we need more opinions from Chris Matthews, and why does he insist on yelling them at us?

Couples Therapy?

Courtney Stodden and 'husband' Doug Hutchinson on the therapist's couch, or as I like to call it, the media whore couch.

I've never gone to couples therapy. I don't think I would make it, I'd probably never let the other person talk. At least that's what always happened when mommy and I went to therapy. First of all, it's kind of hard to imagine that any psychiatrist would forgo their hypocratic oaths and vows of silence in terms of doctor-patient confidentiality and have it recorded for all the world to see on a cheesy cable network, but apparently that's what's happened. You hear that world? nothing is sacred anymore. Give up now. 

And who should be the epicenter of yet another one of VH1's failed experiments along the lines of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew? Why none other than cradle robbing perv who had that one awesome role in that really great movie 15 years ago, Doug Hutchinson and his child bride of 16, hyper-sexed, big bosomed, so-dumb-it-should-be-illegal walking Barbie doll, Courtney Stodden. I smell desperation for ratings! Also, desperation for an extra 15 minutes but that goes without saying.  

Obviously, I mean, these two people need therapy like nobody's business. They also need shirts without holes and a divorce lawyer, but they're milking this sad, sad cow for all it's worth, and apparently it's not worth much more than a mediocre time slot. 

On the show, the two do what they do best - whore it up.

I'm also pretty positive that the shrink on the show is actually not an certified therapist and just some actress they dug up from VH1's unending well of blonde extras to sit there and ask the hard but obvious questions to Courtney that none of us are dying to know such as 'were you molested as a child? Because you seem obsessed with sex', like no one has linked nymphomania to sexual trauma in childhood before, thank you doctor. 

Anyway, usually I'm all over broadcasting bullshit like this, but even this is too low for me. I mean it's worse than Honey Boo Boo, yes I just said that. First of all, Mr. Hutchinson should be in jail... because he's a child molester. Let's call a spade a spade. And Courtney, well I don't know run her out of town or get thee to the nunnery! She needs to get the oil off her tits and study, last time I checked we're in a recession. This show is just a whirlwind of stupid with a pretty good chance of sad. Watch it if you must, but I guarantee you're going to get sick of Courtney's half-dresses pretty damn quick, not to mention her face, voice, and generally everything about her.

Below great Jezebel article that basically explains the jist of this nonsense. 

Couples Therapy: Courtney Stodden Isn’t as ‘Rill’ as She Purports

Below, Courtney and Doug's introduction in the show. Aaaaaaand barf bag.

Ode to a Super Man

Let's face it, the Brits are totally kicking our ass in the hottness Olympics. In terms of cuisine, insidious imperialism, and relevant music, we've still got it going on, but lately, it's just no contest. You put our hottest export (mmmmmmmMatt Damon?) and put him against their hottest export (probably Henry Cavill) it's no contest. And I'm speaking strictly in the respect that makes women lost their minds rather than anything that actually matters, like acting chops, and philanthropy and other such nonsense.

Now American women already lose their effing minds every time a British man opens his mouth and speaks because it sounds like a million times more sophisticated than anything American men say to us, even if the content of what he's saying is 'I'm going to cut off your mother's head and mount it on my wall'.

Now they've planted Henry firmly into the Hollywood idiom, having him play probably the greatest American Icon of the 20th century, and yes I am all for that shit. Two please, and popcorn. 

Cavill on the set of Man of Steel (2013)

Let me just explain this phenom to you. It's Henry Cavill, who is literally the most beautiful perfect man on celluloid, maybe of all time, I'm not sure. I mean when Leonardo DaVinci was drawing the perfectly symmetrical male, he didn't know it, but he was prophesying that one day, one such messiah would appear in the universe, and you put him in RUBBER, I mean that's a recipe for the end of the world via a billion orgasms occurring at once. I watched The Immortals (2011) this morning in my underpants, eating lasagna in bed, because that's how I like to absorb information, and my Jewish god, it's almost unfathomable. 

ok, awwwwwww.

What first turned me on to Cavill was when I was watching The Tudors (2007 - 2010) almost religiously (don't give me shit, it's a good show people!) where he plays Charles Brandon, 1st Duke of Suffolk, and the king's right hand man and an alpha male in his own right. The entire main plot of the show went right out the window for me, you know all of the wife murdering, and sex, sex, sex, and more wife murdering. I started to watch that show just to see Cavill strut his stuff in Elizabethan collars.

And now the time has come. Lady porn has reached its pinnacle and soon we will all be treated to him as the buff, skin-tight suit wearing, sensitive yet dorky, perky-nippled Superman, and hopefully the world will still be around as the film comes out in 2013. I mean, that's why I continue living. 

Trailer below. It's pretty ambiguous. 

The Most UnSexy Bio-Pic Portrayls and Who Should Have Been Cast Instead

I'm sorry, I'm still not over Lilo being cast as Elizabeth Taylor and now that I have to stomach driving past a mile-high billboard of her as Liz in down sunset and try to make breakfast from coming up, I'm going to give you some more examples of shitty casting in Hollywood obviously by idiots who have never seen a movie made with the subject of their respective bio-pic therefore resort to stunt casting in order to make desperate dollars off an unassuming public. Someone please start getting it right, it's getting ridiculous. There are only a few examples here, there are so many but I don't want to go too far back or spew my resentment all over the place, so I'm just leaving you with 6.

Scarlett Johansson as Janet Leigh in the upcoming bio-pic Hitchcock (2012). Dear Scarlett is not nearly as 'pointy' as Janet Leigh, and her voice is far too low. This is a good example of being-cast-for-your-rack-casting, I think this is an enormous misfire. No one is going to envision Janet Leigh with someone like Scar-Jo who shouldn't be doing ANY bio-pics.

Who Should Have Been Cast: Emma Stone. Not only does she look like Janet Leigh, I'm under the firm impression that Emma Stone can do anything.

 

Ben Affleck as George Reeves. This was just a hot mess in every direction. Hollywoodland (2006) was an awful film, mainly because Adrien Brody was in it, but Ben Affleck as the very first superman really crawled under my skin and planted a cancer in it.

If you could recast this today, this is basically an obvious choice, that is to hired Armie Hammer who is not only versatile and interesting, he also basically looks a lot like George Reeves, and he's reminiscent of 50's movie stardom much more than Ben Affleck who sadly is stagnant to his own time.

James Franco as James Dean. This was a misfire and a half. Rather than get to the iconic hypersexualized states of Dean, Franco (of course) sought out to bring about the intellectual 'serious actor' side of Dean, and lets face it, none of us were interested in that. The movie flopped, predictably. 

Who should be recast today? Aaron Taylor Johnson. I know that no one is interested in any more takes on James Dean, but I think this would be an interesting choice. They are about the same age, and let's face it, Aaron knows how to brood.

Sienna Miller as Edie Sedgwick. This never made sense to me and no one is a bigger Edie fan than I am. Aside from the film being poorly written and constructed, Miller was all wrong for the part. She was older, British, she didn't look anything like her or sound anything like her. You can only put pantyhose and thick black eye-liner on someone so much but it still looks like a cheap Halloween costume.

Ellen Page would have been perfect, she's definitely got that bulnerability factor, she's petite, and she looks a lot like Edie if you just tweek the hair and make up a bit. I think this would have been a far superior choice.

Just for shits and giggles lets do Sienna again in her role as Tippi Hedren in her performance in the new HBO film The Girl (2013) opposite Toby Jones as Alfred Hitchcock. Oy Vey. Again, what is the appeal here exactly, and has anyone ever seen Tippi Hedren? Seriously.

I think something as troubling as this HBO movie which is clearly riding the coattails of that other Hitchcock film I was telling you about would be vastly improved by the casting of Maggie Grace (you might remember her as that whiny bitch Shannon from the TV juggernaut Lost (2004-2010). But she could definitely encapsulate that icy-blonde persona of Tippi and really bring it full circle.

And let's cap this off with the casting decision that deeply affected all of us for the rest of our lives. The studio executives were clearly smoking something when they decided casting Lindsay Lohen, la trainwreck terrible as cinematic icon Elizabeth Taylor, and judging by the promo photos that have been coming out and that new ridiculous trailer for Liz and Dick (2012) it seems like it will indeed be a barf fest.

Who should have been cast instead? Isn't it obvious? Not only does Lilly Collins look almost identical to a young Elizabeth Taylor, she's right about the correct age. I mean Lindsay is the right age too but because of all the cocaine and drinking binges she looks about 45. Lilly aesthetically appeals as Elizabeth Taylor way more than anyone else, forget Lindsay for the moment, I mean she should be at the tippy top of the list. Hollywood execs seriously need to stop smoking crack. Period.

Below some trailers regarding this bullshit.

The Master is the Gayest Movie You'll See All Year

Just warning you, this is written assuming those who read it have seen the film already, so I'm giving a lot away, don't like it? Don't give a shit. I had this overwhelming sense of dread while walking into the theater, you know the kind you get from knowing you're walking into an over-hyped art-for-art-sake long-as-shit-for-no-reason film that all the snooty critics can't stop buzzing about? Remember when we paid money to see Tree of Life (2011)? It was that kind of dread.

Paul Thomas Anderson has always been a hit or miss kind of director to me, and this was definitely a miss. The only thing I could find to justify this clumsy misfire, is to look at the homoerotic angle in the film, which to me was very prevalent, but everything is gay to me. Anyway, it's an interesting angle to think about and has been mentioned in quite a few reviews on the film, and anyone with more than two braincells clicking away upstairs is sure to catch it.
I kept thinking about what Gore Vidal said to William Wyler while in pre-production for Ben-Hur (1959). He was disconcerted writing the script as he basically deduced that there wasn't enough in the plot to make it a 2 and a half hour long movie; A Jew and a Roman used to be friends, now they disagree on politics and fight. That's barely interesting as far as he was concerned so he suggested that the two main characters played by Charleton Heston (Ben-Hur) and Stephen Boyd (Messala) were lovers, and the conflict between the two of them was actually because Messala wanted to start the relationship back on and Ben-Hur wasn't interested. Throwing sex into the mix always makes it more interesting. And hey, it ended up working didn't it?
Here's the dirt on The Master (2012). Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) is a plethora of mental disorders. He's bipolar, manic, borderline, and he's an alcoholic and a sex addict. H has PTSD, ADHD, OCD, so basically he's beseeched by acronyms. Ergo, he's brilliant fodder for 'The Cause', the Scientology-esque movement sprung from the mind of Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman) who takes an instant liking to him, and takes him under his wing. 

Lancaster Dodd (PSH) posing in a picture Freddie (Joaquin Phoenix) takes of him. it's one of the most intimate parts in the whole movie as Freddie gently adjusts Dodd's hair with the tip of his fingers and the two men stare deeply into each other's eyes and then it's back to business.

As the relationship develops between the two of them, we learn their most depraved secrets, particularly those of Freddie, who is a much more developed, nuanced character than that of Dodd. It seems as though every woman in his life has abandoned him from his mother to his child-bride, and now he unsuccessfully strives to find wholeness in empty marathon fuckfests that always end up being his undoing. Dodd, sensing his self-destructive nature makes Freddie engage in a series of depracating and humiliating tasks or 'tests' based on the teachings of 'The Cause', and in the emotional climax of one in particular Freddie exclaims 'I can leave anytime I want to but I choose to stay!' and the entire audience is left wondering; 'um, why exactly?' PT Anderson never actually reveals the answer. This is a director who's fear of not being subtle enough yields the exact opposite, it's too subtle to the point of being confusing. To me, the answer was very clear - he stays because he's in love with Dodd. It's an intense, adult kind of love and affection that of which he had never achieved in the past, and he allows it to consume him.
In turn, in the last scene (I told you, if you haven't seen it, don't read this) when Dodd invites Freddy to England (or perhaps he doesn't and Freddie dreams the invitation, that's never made clear either) he sings to him; 'I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China...all to myself alone' the rest of the lyrics go something like 'get you and keep you in my arms evermore', basically spelling out to Freddie that he loves him too. Both men cry because they are aware that whatever it is they had is over forever despite their best efforts. 

Amy Adams plays the almsot terrifyingly controlling wife of Dodd who always seems to have something to say or do against Freddie, and almost always has an strong opinion to assert.

Also, from the beginning, there is a wedge driven between the two by Dodd's wife, Peggy (Amy Adams). She makes her presence in Dodd's life, particularly his sexual life perfectly clear when she for lack of better terms, jacks him off, whilst telling him how bad Freddy is for The Cause, asserting her sexual prowess over him. She increasingly becomes more and more hostile towards Freddie as she feels her influence over Dodd dwindling and becomes threatened and resentful by his position in their life together. And the entire time you're watching her you're wondering why exactly is she such a shrewish bitch, and it's because she's jealous of the love those two men share for each other. It's actually pretty simple. 
So basically, what I'm saying is The Master is not an exposé on Scientology, nor is it a character study, nor is it a mental-masturbation all over the audiences face in 72 mm, though that was my initial opinion of the film. It's a love story between two broken society outcasts looking in desperate confusion for answers and solutions to their ever present loneliness. In that sense it's rather beautiful, but then again, I'm not sure at all if that was PT Anderson's intention all along. I'd like to think so because that's the only redeeming quality the film has. 

Below is the ridiculous 3 minute trailer that basically shows you the entire film and saves you $12.50 

 Below, that Gore Vidal thing I was talking about - 

 

Jersey Shore Has Done The Unthinkable - It Got Boring!

Tracking the new tattoos on the male cast members is not as interesting as I thought it would be.

What is the point of this season (premiered on October 4th, 2012) exactly? Snooki is pregnant, Situation is sober, and Vinny is celibate? Am I watching a Monks of 18th Century Europe? I mean what the fuck is going on? No more smushing? No more falling down in bars, no more accidental/totally on purpose flashing of vagina everywhere? That was the very essense of everything beautiful of Jersey Shore and now it's all gone! Congrats MTV, now nothing happens on your damn show that no one liked to begin with. In the words of Joel McHale 'Apologize bitches!'

Dina cries every two seconds about her boyfriend who is right in front of her face, and Pauly D doesn't use any obnoxious catchphrases anymore, and JWoww has turned into set dressing. Who am I missing...oh yes. Ron and Sam eat often and a great deal. This is clearly the recipe for success.

Sober preggers women do not belong at the Jersey Shore. Snooki should have prioritized better.

I know it's the final season but it should accelerate not slow down. We all know Snooki's baby is not going to come out normal anyway, let her have a Long Island Iced Tea for fucks sake...AND a cigarette. You know she's craving them. It's not like feeding the fetus pickle juice as a food group is exactly healthy for he/she/it. Honestly if someone doesn't smush a juicehead gorilla or a grenade soon I might just give up on the whole franchise and write awful things about it for the rest of time. So for my sake, and the sake of my writing/sanity, please make this last season worth something. Yes, Situation is finding how wonderful life can be sober, but this is not an episode of Intervention, and I need him to spread herpes before I fall sleep at least once an episode like old times! Even Ron and Sam are not doing what usually makes them remotely interesting which is fighting like insane pigeons cooing over the last crumb of old coffee cake in Union Square, they are getting along, and I can't stand it. There is no conflict on this show anymore, no alcohol, no bitch-slapping, and no crying, and no peeing in bars.

Go out with a bang rather than fade away into nothingness, Jersey Shore. You had the potential to be television greatness. But none of us want to be the 6th season of Lost, and being compared to that is basically the kiss of death. Your 15 minutes are almost over! Make them count!

Below the hilarious promo for Season 6 which gave me false hopes.