Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Take the Trash Out: Replace Brandi and Kim with Gigi and Bella!

Gigi (Left) and Bella (Right) Hadid seriously take the best instagrams in the world. Were there Oscars for that they would clean up.
So Thursday news broke that not only was Kim Richards (Hot Mess Express, lying alcoholic bitchface) was fired from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but Brandi Glanville (resident legs-for-days, loud-mouthed, also-kind-of-a-drunk) would be leaving the Bravo studios with their last paychecks.
Now, every one is probably all see ya never about the whole thing, but I’m in a bit of a quagmire. A network that didn’t stop filming this franchise when one of the house-husbands hangs himself and blames it on the show in his suicide note is going to fire two ‘troublemakers’ urly? Isn’t that your bread and butter Bravo?
Kyle finally snapped, granted I can't believe it took her this long, and with surrogate mother, Lisa Vanderpump holding her hand, she told her sister to basically fuck off out of her life, good riddance Kim. 
Basically what you’ve just done was make the show highly boring. I’m sure Season 6 (yes, that’s how far the Beverly Hills franchise has come) will be a total snooze fest. I’m glad to have the additions of Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson, because as former soap opera stars, they know how to bring the drama without being hot messes, so they are my bastions of hope. Coupled with the mother hen and definitive foundation of the show, classiest bitch on the planet, and the glue that holds this shit show together; Lisa Vanderpump, maybe there’s hope. 
Kyle, the long suffering younger sister of Kim who has been taking care of said evil bitch and her oh so obvious drug and alcohol problems since she was basically a teenager and has to deal with the guilt that she never had those problems, she married well and has a beautiful family, and got more in her mother’s will than Kim did can finally break free from the diamond chains. At the last reunion, none of us really went in watching liking Kyle too much, because she’s self-richeous and passive aggressive. But then we saw how Kim bullied her sister and had probably been doing so for decades we all went team Kyle especially when she finally cracked, broke into tears and yelled ‘You’re so fucking mean! Just leave me alone!’ Draaaaaama. Now who are we going to yell that at? As mentioned before Lisa Vanderpump, her husband Ken, and her alopecia-inflicted toy Pomeranian Giggy are just too classy to give any fucks whatsoever.

Let's be honest, at first we thought these two buckets of botox drenched in chardonnay were kind of fun, but now it's like  the Witches of Eastwick, I say that because Kim (on the left) starred in that movie, oh the irony.
Here’s my few cents. The other pillar of the Beverly Hills franchise that entered the scene in Season 3 was Dutch beauty, former model, hotter than the sun itself, take no bullshit, Martha Stewart-esque, flower collecting, Master Cleanse obsessed Yolanda Foster. Quick history. She lives in a Malibu palace, she’s married to 80-time (no exaggeration) Grammy award winning producer David Foster and her two oldest daughters are literally the most famous models in the world right now. Again, no exaggeration. Want that life? Yeah we all do. And she worked her ass off for it. She hates drunk women, exercises 5 hours a day, and reminds every member of her family how much she loves them on a daily basis. She’s the person to model your life after. So anyway, with all that swagger, she’s still kind of boring because she’s just too perfect, and also she might reject another season because poor thing has been suffering from Lyme disease for 3 years now.
The ridiculously gorgeous Yolanda Foster with husband David Foster. You didn't think a woman who looked like that would have amazingly hot spawn?
Her daughters from her first marriage; Gigi and Bella Hadid are insane, ok? They are gorgeous.  Every time you drive by a billboard in LA or walk into any boutique in New York, you’ll see either one of them on foam board. And yes it’s all-natural, they just have amazing genes. It’s like could you be more annoyingly and ridiculously perfect? Fuck you.

Tall, rich, and adorable. Basically perfect. You want to hate them but you just can't. (Yolanda in the middle with Gigi on her left and Bella on her right)
Anyway!! David Foster’s two grown girls from another marriage (he’s got like 12 kids from previous marriages) have their own redundant and short-lived MTV show called Barely Famous, or Barely Legal, some fucking shit I don’t know. MAKE A SHOW ABOUT BELLA AND GIGI, and nix the Beverly Hills franchise all-together. When people are getting too drunk to be on Bravo, you’ve got a problem, mister. I’m pointing a finger at you Andy Cohen. Maybe don’t have so many open bars or staged ‘dinner parties’ it’s like being fired from Guns ‘n Roses for being too drunk. You’re about to sink. You’ve got assets thanks to Yolanda (our hope, our light, our savior in heaven) use them!

Let's see if I can find interesting clips if I did, they're below:

Below two intros the first from 3 the second from season 4, how things have changed. You can literally see Brandi's dark side come out in 30 seconds. 

No comments: