Monday, June 22, 2015

Matthias...Say It Loud and There's Music Playing

Well, hello there. 
Congrats ladies, there’s a new foreign piece of man candy to obsess over with a rugged stubble and an accent to die for. Move over Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba, and Mads Mikklesen, there’s a new brooding foreign boy in town, with the piercing eyes of the cover-boy of a harlequin romance novel, the street-tough mannerisms of the angriest FIFA player on the losing team of the last game and the tenderness of a Euro-hunk can express just with his eyes. Woah, my bra just snapped open.

I speak to you now of a man so hot, his name is literally unpronounceable, because if you could just say it, it would be a Beetlejuice kind of scenario; the heavens would clash, the sky would grow dark, Avril Lavigne’s face would appear as A GIANT APPARITION CRYING TEARS OF BLOOD AND SHE’D RECITE THE GOOD WILL HUNTING SCREENPLAY AND DARKNESS WOULD COVER THE LAND UNTIL THE END OF TIME. Ok I went too far didn’t I? I’m speaking to you now of the little known-about to be as huge as my black eye-liner collection star of films like Rust and Bone, Bullhead, and the upcoming: A Little Chaos opposite Kate Winslet? Haven’t figured it out yet or at least wikipedia’d it? That’s because you’re stupid. I speak to you now of…Matthias Schoenaerts (Phew, nothing happened).

Some promo art for A Little Chaos. Long hair, check, frilly shirt, check, eyes that stare into your very soul...check.
He has a well-deserved Cesar award for ‘Most Promising Hot Euro Dude’ I’m sure that’s exactly what the award translates into from French. And it's well-deserved. He’s on the cusp people; he’s about to blow up a la Cumberbatch so I’d put dibs on him like now. I would, but you know he lives in Belgium and I’m in New York, I mean that’s a bitch of a commute. But I think it would be worth it don't you?
Apparently, he also happens to speak English perfectly. But let’s hope that doesn’t work against him and make him you know, ordinary and stuff. You want your brooding mysterious European guys to stay brooding, mysterious, and European. Let’s admit it ladies, we just don’t like it when males speak. 

Because this happens to every girl every damn time (Fuck my life)
So watch out for him in period pieces coming up. (GAWD is there anything hotter?) I mean take Fassbender for example. Yes, he was unbelievable as the barely clothed ‘I like it rough’ love interest for the teenage protagonist in Fish Tank but how much more did you want him when he was running in slow motion, hair all in disarray, covered in sweat in 300? Ok bad example. But you get the idea. Ladies, we just all went men to strap on a sturdy pair of pantaloons, skip through a field of gilly flowers, take off their top hat, and bow to us; using the term ‘m’lady’ all the while. I know I just mixed about 6 time periods, but let’s admit that’s a secret fetish of ours. And soon you’ll see Matthias Schoenaerts (duck and cover!) in two films as such; A Little Chaos and Far From a Maddening Crowd. Don’t worry they don’t have him there just raking hay for the horses in the stable, jesus I can’t escape cheap sex fantasy cliché’s can I? So sue me. Anyway, he plays the chief love interest in both, and that’s just the start.
Here’s to much more to come (no pun intended…pun fully intended who are we kidding?) Trailers below.

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