Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Did You Watch the Season Finale of Southern Charm? I Did!

Cameran is not impressed.
One of the many guilty pleasures slated on the Bravo Network is Real Housewives and Alcoholics of the South…excuse me, Southern Charm. And is it ever a guilty pleasure. Even an Ivy League grad that is a few steps ahead of you in the life game will tell you they turn on at least one of the Real Housewives franchise once a week, but no one will willingly admit to watching Southern Charm, well guess what…I will.
Bravo very cleverly marketed the first season as not your ‘child pageant, duck calling, moonshining show’, because that’s what was beyond cash cowing TV up last year. Also, it became to represent The South to us normal people above the Mason-Dixon line. They were like; guess what America there’s culture down there. And culture as defined by Bravo is people with a six-figure  bank account, a pretty serious penchant for alcohol, and general sluttiness or douche-baggery. So they found 6 people, and anyone who knows anything about the Reality TV cannon knows that that’s the magic number of people to follow. Remember Jersey Shore? Otherwise it’s too any people to shower with your precious attention. This season, they added another character and she was worth more drama than all of them combined. Here’s how else things have changed for the privileged class of Charleston, SC.
Season 2 cast. L to R (Craig, Cameran, Landon, Shep, Thomas, Katherine, and Whitney) the only one missing? Jenna. Guess her sugar daddy made her move to New York to pay for all those Louboutins.
Cameran – The designated ‘voice of reason’ slash uberhottie slash mother hen of the group got married and in her own words was no longer interesting. Yeah, Cameran I’d like to take it a step further and call you a full on walking snooze fest. There was some b-roll of you getting wasty-pants election night, but that’s about it. No one wants to hear how you don’t actually cook for your husband and buy pre-bought food, unless perhaps I had just been lobotomized. Then maybe.

The pride of Charleston. L to R A trust fund baby (Shep), a douche canoe (Whitney), and an alcoholic failed lawyer (Craig). Yum.
Shep – The overgrown manchild is still really, really ridiculous. His logic is so flawed you’d want to kill yourself if he wasn’t so darn cute and articulate. A self-proclaimed over-educated under-motivated trust fund brat is still 35 and womanizing, it’s getting sad. But he did buy a house and his own restaurant, just so his brother wouldn’t one-up him, not because he actually found interest in anything. Here’s to dying alone, Shep!

Craig – Oy to the vey. Last year Craig was the glimmer of hope, the one with an actual job (gasp!) not living off a trust fund, working in a law firm, studying for the bar, though his hissy fits about ‘bro-code’ didn’t win him any extra points. This season, he was sliding down that success ladder so fast I’m shocked that he’s not splintered all over. Busting out with a huge drinking problem, and serious FOMO, Craig told Cameran that ‘girls are his favorite pursuit’ and even after losing his prestigious job at a reputable law firm, he still hadn’t bottomed out. VIP status at the best clubs South of Broad was more important than the Bar Exam.

Senator Thomas Ravenel (aka T-Rav) – The borderline creepy pedophilic senator with a blemished past (convicted felon to be specific…for drug trafficking to be even more specific) finally became a father. That 21 year old he was courting through season 1? That’s the baby mama. Oh did I mention that he was 51? Do you see some red flags? Anywho, chasing a pipe dream he decided to run against Lindsey Graham for the SC Senate seat. Urly? He came in at 4% but not before dumping said baby mama on facebook and being slapped with assault charges by her hairdresser. Accept defeat Senator. When everyone’s saying that you’re dead it’s time to lie down.

Kinda sad it didn't work out between these two despite the 29 year age gap. As Landon put Katherine's situation. She's a 22 year old unwed mother in Charleston, she has no choice but to try to make it work.
Katherine Dennis – She’s the new edition. Right after stirring up serious drama in the first season and sleeping with the entire main cast, she set her sights on Thomas and secured regular status on the show. Shedding that baby weight as if it melted off of her in a hot shower, and getting rid of that ridiculous clown hair, the 22 year old new mom proved to be an emerging face of maturity and grace even though in the end she lost, she actually won…our respect that is. Sorry, senator.

Landon….something – She’s pretty forgettable and perhaps the most shrill person on TV ever. After a messy divorce (gasp! No one in Charleston gets divorced, they weather the storm and eventually end it violently) she moved back to SC to get moving on her life as a single girl again, but most of it was lamenting about her married life and how no one in her family will accept that she chose to walk away, brave but again kinda boring. The shrill thing didn’t help.

Whitley Sudler-Smith – And finally circling back to the center of the shrubbery maze is this half a person half the world’s biggest douche-canoe. Hipster-elitist piece of sweaty dogshit that also serves as exec producer of the show is only interesting because he shows up every episode with his giant spoon and stirs the pot. Giving the senator last year so much flack for dating a 21 year old, Whitney choked on his own medicine dating someone even younger when he’s not much younger than T-Rav (you confused yet?) His only endearing quality is his mother, who’s even crazier than him but in a fabulous way. Just picture Norma Desmond with 8 Hermès bags and a Southern accent. Patricia, I love you but can you replace your son on the show? Let’s make it happen.

Season 2 Sneak Peek below: 

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