Monday, August 26, 2013

Our Least Important and Most Overdone Spectacle of Celebrity Excrement Happened Last Night

Ahhh the iconic moon man. Or as I like to call it; World's dumbest conception of an award statue
Let's be honest, who watches the VMA's anymore? I mean really. When was the last time you watched The Peoples Choice Awards, or the Teen Choice Awards, or The Tony's, or the SAG Awards...I could keep going. We all know they peaked with Britney writhing around on stage with a ten foot snake draped around her shoulders. Now, that was a moment of TV history. But now that Gaga, Nikki Minaj, and Miley Cyrus have taken over, might as well switch over to and watch Breaking Bad like a damn adult. You've done it, you've outgrown the VMA's and realized that statues of little moonmen and over-the-top scenery just isn't cutting it for you these days. I mean remember when like Nirvana played the VMA's, or Nine Inch Nails, or when Lil' Kim showed up with a half suit and a purple pasty over one of her boobs? Those were moments. I noticed them starting to waver after Gaga dangled half naked from a crystal chandelier with blood dripping down her face. Not all that interesting really. 
The good ol' days.
Also, most of the time, when you're watching them, (especially if you're over 25) you know, don't watch them. But if you are, you are constantly asking yourself the same question 'who the fuck is this?' Some journalist in all of his wisdom once called the award show 'The Oscars for Youth'. You pigfucker. Youth still watch the Oscars thank you very much, and at least we all know who's nominated, and the spectacle is somewhat interesting, and the hosts are usually good (discounting Jon Stewart, he was a bit blah when he hosted, as was Seth MacFarlane). But give me Billy Crystal and his 'Oscar Opening Theme' any day over this over-hyped shitshow. Nothing faintly shocking has happened on that show since drunkface Kanye snatched the moonman from American Sweetheart Taylor Swift. I mean that was hiiiiiilarious. And also made the show quasi-watcheable.
Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus perform summer's biggest rape anthem, 'Blurred Lines'....gross.
No one wants to see Miley and Robin Thicke duet Blurred Lines. Any grown up with half a brain can enjoy the fun beat whilst wondering to him or herself how people are so not catching on to the misogyny and basically rapey lyrics this fun tune encapsulates. And we haven't wanted to see Katy Perry perform since well ever, and she's the one that always wins VMA's. If that tells you anything right there, it's that we shouldn't watch them. Because I don't want to live in a world where Katy Perry is successful. Just read her rider. Seriously read it. I heard that Bruno Mars performed 'Gorilla' and that's actually my favorite song of his new album so that I would have liked to see, but I watched the so called N Sync reunion, and it was barely even a thing. I mean it looks like those guys were just happy to be on stage again while they didn't even have a spotlight on them. It was...sad. 
Nsync reunites. But mostly Justin does a medley of count this, 7 of his songs, so basically they were like stage filler, or his back up dancers how ever you want to see it.
So JT picked up most of the awards (shocker), but Bruno Mars walked away with a couple, and Janelle Monae finally got a moon man, and yet this is all still very underwhelming. I mean I'm yawning as I'm writing this, so basically there you have it. If you're over 25 shame on you for watching, and if you're under 25....shame on you for watching. You shouldn't be watching anything that mentions One Direction, unless you're someone's retarded cousin. Was that too harsh?

Below, some of MY favorite moments from years past to make myself feel better. 

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