Monday, July 22, 2013

We All Hold Our Breath As the Royal Hoo-Haa Dialates.

Counting down the hours? Loser.
Alright Englanders and Americans who couldn't give less of a fuck. The Duchess of Cambridge, pug-face Kate Middleton is in the Royal Hospital with a Royal OBGYN pulling out her Royal baby with Royal forceps and dealing with her Royal screams, and disposing of the Royal afterbirth right about now. Did all of that sound gross? Good. 
Now here's something really gross. Imagine the product of those two people, genetically it is just not a flattering picture. Remember when Prince Andrew married Fergie and we were all thinking to ourselves 'yeah that will end well', and now that Princess Eugenie and Beatrice are in their 20's it's horrifying. Yes, Diana added some much needed attractive genes to the otherwise bland, incest-based line of the Windsor house, with their receding hairlines, pointy bucked teeth and generally displeasing faces, but I don't think the Middletons have much to offer to that pool either. Have you seen Kate's parents? Shallow end for sure, I mean her mom is somewhat of a MILF and Pippa's not ghastly, but otherwise, it's a weird look. And coupled with Prince Williams long face, male pattern baldness, and a set of teeth that Invisiline would die to get a hold of, it's going to be one weird bald baby. It's like J-Lo's twins, one really good set of genes and one really grotesque one, and the offspring turn out looking like something out of the X-Files
Beatrice and Eugenie...never forget.
It basically boils down to this, they are too different looking, and hopefully Kate is the dominant one in this merge because let's face it, she's way hotter than William. I'm sure how he got her was by walking up to her and be like 'hey, I'm going to be the next king of you doin'?' I'm kidding, we all know the story, especially me because I had to sit through everything about that while in Scotland at St. Andrews where their weird love flourished like it made any difference to anybody and like I gave two sweaty shits. 

I'm honestly dreading what the combination of these two will look like.
Whatever pops out, we know that nothing's going to change, except hopefully Kate will stop looking like the walking dead and put on a hefty amount of stones back on that skeletal figure of hers. And I'll just keep dreaming that one day Prince Harry and I will have babies, and our genes are compatible, and they will come out adorably strawberry blonde, with piercing green eyes and hopefully my penchant for crying over reality TV and cigarettes, and his rough mangled primal masculinity and naughty tendencies. A girl can dream, and I shall continue to do so, meanwhile, it's been like forever Kate, either have the baby or don't. And for the love of god, don't call it North West. 

Enjoy below: 

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