Thursday, March 28, 2013

Who’s The Biggest Pervert on Arrested Development?

(Warning: Contains endless Arrested Development quotes) Let’s see, what do I do with my time? Like what do I watch how do I keep current? Well since I have a job (It’s something you apply for, and they pay you…) I only have about a couple hours a day. One in the morning when I wake up and get ready, and one in the evening when I get home. After I work out, and before I shower and eventually crash. So I leave those time slots open for my current sick obsession with everything Benedict Cumberbatch, so I’m watching Sherlock (2010 - Present), which I’ve already blogged about, so douche chill
The only other show I watch is of course The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2009 - Present) because it makes me feel better about myself, though I have to watch it through a hole I cut in a paper plate because of all the HD shiny. As you know, I blog a shit ton about that show as well. So basically outside my office, I have those two things to tell me about the world around me. Skinny blonde bitches in Loubitins and ridiculously complicated and convoluted crimes in England that I’m too stupid to almost follow. But instead of silently saying a prayer that they combine the two shows and have one of the housewives found in a pool of her own blood  (I can’t say which one because ‘that’s a lawsuit’ but we all know who I mean) with Benedict standing above her saying something smug and demeaning, I’ll get back and go full circle (ugh, mixing metaphors) to the show I’ve loved the absolute most since it entered my muddy world and made it beautiful back in 2003; Arrested Development, which Netflix had the wherewithall to renew for a season showing exclusively on their website (Them?)
They’ve basically told everyone else to fuck off, even if it means them taking a chubby, they will suck it up. Now, let’s get out of our excited-as-fuck skirt and put on our thought-process Barbara Streisand in the Prince of Tides ass-masking pants suit.
I mean this is huge. The show was cancelled almost 7 years ago and we STILL talk about it. It’s probably the biggest hit cult series there is, and FOX execs are pieces of shit. I’m sorry, but you are. But let’s not dwell on our anger. I want to go through that beautiful magic of the first three seasons and decide finally who is the biggest perv of the series. And I’ll tell you one thing, it’s probably not who you’re thinking. 
You’re thinking GOB because he dates whores, underage girls, and throws freezing cold water over the shirts of his entirely female baseball team and almost always makes an impromptu sexual innuendo when speaking, but it’s not. That’s just part of his adorably ridiculous character, that even I’ve grown to love. 
Tobias' acting resume headshots
Next, you’re probably thinking it’s Tobias, because literally everything that comes out of his mouth is a sexual reference of some sort, usually attributed to the ‘is Tobias gay question’ that always lingers in the background. But hey, you didn’t get any body chocolate, and actually that’s not even his major arc so no dice on that one.
Then we have the idiot somewhat savant-ish brother Buster, who is one hell of a freak. He comes home sometimes at 7, 8 at night, peanut brittle on his breath, and builds pillow forts with Liza Minelli. I mean he’s a fraaaak. But he’s completely clueless. Remember when he was dating Michael’s rabid assistant and terrified when she wanted to take things to the next level? Mother complex or not, he’s an innocent. 
'my own brother...Michael'
Then of course we have Michael. The hopeless romantic who’s ‘sensitive like a woman’, and just can’t help himself when it comes to a gal with a giggly smile and a pair of soft blue eyes, the lack of sex with which would make anyone crave a 15$ thing of candy beans. But it is his romanticism that crosses him off the perv ladder, because all he’ll ever do to you in bed is hold you close and whisper shit in your ear and you’d get bored if not for the wondrous adorable-ness of him.
If you were thinking Lucille all along, then ding ding ding. You’ve won the grand prize, which is respect from me. Think of it, she’s the classic pervert, more so than any of the men in her life put together. She seduced not only George Sr. but his brother Oscar, and can basically make them do anything she wants (More touching!). She likes to go ‘downtown’ and being ‘lied on’ rather than ‘lied to’.  And that wink of hers could be the most perverted thing I’ve ever seen, but at least we don’t have to ‘say goodbye to these because it’s the last time!!!’ because I have no doubt we’ll be seeing them on Netflix soon enough. Now get me a Vodka rocks. But it’s breakfast? And a piece of toast. 
Honorable mention goes to: Kitty, George’s fiercely loyal assistant, Maeby for her obsession with idiot Steve Holt and unabashed attraction to her own cousin, Marla Michael’s assistant who was bitten by a rabid dog and has a cryptic attachment to Quincy Jones, and of course, Lucille II…because it’s Liza and that’s all I need. I leave you with the best of...

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