(Warning:
Contains endless Arrested Development quotes) Let’s see, what do I do with my
time? Like what do I watch how do I keep current? Well since I have a job (It’s
something you apply for, and they pay you…) I only have about a couple hours a
day. One in the morning when I wake up and get ready, and one in the evening when I get home. After I work out, and before I shower and eventually crash. So I leave those time
slots open for my current sick obsession with everything Benedict Cumberbatch,
so I’m watching Sherlock (2010 - Present), which I’ve already blogged about, so douche chill…
The
only other show I watch is of course The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
(2009 - Present) because it makes me feel better about myself, though I have to watch it through a hole I cut in a paper plate because of all the HD shiny. As you know, I blog a
shit ton about that show as well. So basically outside my office, I have those
two things to tell me about the world around me. Skinny blonde bitches in
Loubitins and ridiculously complicated and convoluted crimes in England that
I’m too stupid to almost follow. But instead of silently saying a prayer that
they combine the two shows and have one of the housewives found in a pool of
her own blood (I can’t say which
one because ‘that’s a lawsuit’ but we all know who I mean) with Benedict
standing above her saying something smug and demeaning, I’ll get back and go
full circle (ugh, mixing metaphors) to the show I’ve loved the absolute most
since it entered my muddy world and made it beautiful back in 2003; Arrested
Development, which Netflix had the wherewithall to renew for a season showing
exclusively on their website (Them?)
They’ve basically told everyone
else to fuck off, even if it means them taking a chubby, they will suck it up.
Now, let’s get out of our excited-as-fuck skirt and put on our thought-process
Barbara Streisand in the Prince of Tides ass-masking pants suit.
I mean this is huge. The show was
cancelled almost 7 years ago and we STILL talk about it. It’s probably the
biggest hit cult series there is, and FOX execs are pieces of shit. I’m sorry,
but you are. But let’s not dwell on our anger. I want to go through that
beautiful magic of the first three seasons and decide finally who is the
biggest perv of the series. And I’ll tell you one thing, it’s probably not who
you’re thinking.
You’re thinking GOB because he
dates whores, underage girls, and throws freezing cold water over the shirts of
his entirely female baseball team and almost always makes an impromptu sexual
innuendo when speaking, but it’s not. That’s just part of his adorably
ridiculous character, that even I’ve grown to love.
 |
| Tobias' acting resume headshots |
Next, you’re probably thinking
it’s Tobias, because literally everything that comes out of his mouth is a
sexual reference of some sort, usually attributed to the ‘is Tobias gay
question’ that always lingers in the background. But hey, you didn’t get any
body chocolate, and actually that’s not even his major arc so no dice on that
one.
Then we have the idiot somewhat
savant-ish brother Buster, who is one hell of a freak. He comes home sometimes
at 7, 8 at night, peanut brittle on his breath, and builds pillow forts with
Liza Minelli. I mean he’s a fraaaak. But he’s completely clueless. Remember
when he was dating Michael’s rabid assistant and terrified when she wanted to
take things to the next level? Mother complex or not, he’s an innocent.
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| 'my own brother...Michael' |
Then of course we have Michael.
The hopeless romantic who’s ‘sensitive like a woman’, and just can’t help
himself when it comes to a gal with a giggly smile and a pair of soft blue
eyes, the lack of sex with which would make anyone crave a 15$ thing of candy
beans. But it is his romanticism that crosses him off the perv ladder, because
all he’ll ever do to you in bed is hold you close and whisper shit in your ear
and you’d get bored if not for the wondrous adorable-ness of him.
If you were thinking Lucille all
along, then ding ding ding. You’ve won the grand prize, which is respect from
me. Think of it, she’s the classic pervert, more so than any of the men in her
life put together. She seduced not only George Sr. but his brother Oscar, and
can basically make them do anything she wants (More touching!). She likes to go
‘downtown’ and being ‘lied on’ rather than ‘lied to’. And that wink of hers could be the most
perverted thing I’ve ever seen, but at least we don’t have to ‘say goodbye to
these because it’s the last time!!!’ because I have no doubt we’ll be seeing
them on Netflix soon enough. Now get me a Vodka rocks. But it’s breakfast? And a
piece of toast.
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| Her? |
Honorable mention goes to: Kitty,
George’s fiercely loyal assistant, Maeby for her obsession with idiot Steve
Holt and unabashed attraction to her own cousin, Marla Michael’s assistant who
was bitten by a rabid dog and has a cryptic attachment to Quincy Jones, and of
course, Lucille II…because it’s Liza and that’s all I need. I leave you with the best of...
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