Tuesday, October 23, 2012

CNN Should Take Cues From Bravo When it Comes to Debates

If the increasingly boring debates are starting to get to you, worry not. Cable networks would never leave you without options. There's always palpable tension, name-calling and general disagreements having all over the place, you just have to know where to look. The 4th Season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey had it's reunion special spread over three weeks and you better be sure they packed enough punches 'cunts' and sparkles into the Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa that would distract the most undecided and clueless voter. 
My advice? Turn off the CNN because Chris Matthews' voice and forehead are both so overbearing and aesthetically offensive and start following Andy Cohen on twitter and DVRing every Bravo show out there.
aesthetically, the Real Housewives is very similar to the debate. I prefer these fabulous couches rather than podiums though.
Bravo exists in a universe where elections, wars, recessions, and general things that the normal person tends to think about don't exist and never have. You ask the average housewife to tell you who the vice president of the country was (which actually happened, on season 3) between the four of them, they won't be able to give you a cohesive answer aside from 'that grey haired guy!'
Bravo is the simplest most profound form of escapism that exists today. That's right, put down the heroin needles and throw away those overpriced tickets to Six Flags, because you can just tune into Bravo on any given day and see what the Top Chefs are up to when they're not competing in basically a gladiatorial version of cooking against each other. 
Bravo has also elevated fighting and verbal jousting into nothing less than an art form. You want to see people argue? It's not going to be at the debate. It's on channel 48, 9pm Eastern Standard Time. Unlike what's expected at the presidential debate, the Bravo reunion specials are usually so outlandish that there's never anything to expect, except walk offs, the occasional hair pulling, and a lot of throwing around the word 'goddamn bitch' and variations of that like 'cunt bitch' 'slut bitch' 'bitch queen' and 'I'll kill your stupid bitch face'. If only Romney and Obama were allowed to talk to each other like that, or at least CNN would put Michelle and Ann in a room together with no windows and some cameras rolling, I'm sure it would be up to par with a Real Housewives reunion in a matter of seconds. Classy ladies have a breaking point too. 
Inner monologue of both: Why thank you, I am more awesome.
 Though Candy Crowley proved to be the most interesting moderator of the entire election, she still can't hold a candle to Andy Cohen who will gladly hold down a housewife as she tries to backhand him to get to her adversary but then toast champagne with her in the next scene. If you ask me, he should have been a moderator at one point, I'm sure somewhere in the back of his mind piled up under confetti and pictures of naked bartenders is that tiny wish to go full on serious journalism a la Anderson Cooper. I mean, the guy can't get enough of making it all about himself no matter how insane the action around him gets. 
Let's face it, how many undecided voters are actually out there, and do any of the debates actually affect our opinion. We're just waiting for that moment where Obama does his little 'booyah' facial expression and pulls out the subtle swag to trip shaky dis-human Romney up on an asinine accusation. And after that, we're waiting for the next SNL cold open to lampoon it. None of us actually care or follow what is being said, be honest. I'm still casting my vote for Obama, and no amount of cat fighting goes on at mid-level university auditoriums is going to affect that. If you want to see some serious passive-aggressive drama and palpable tension manifested in sly backdoor insults, change the channel to Bravo and catch it all.

Below some clips. 

Boy if drama for the white house was only this interesting.

Like we need more opinions from Chris Matthews, and why does he insist on yelling them at us?

No comments: