Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Shirtless Appeal of Adam Levine

So, kind of random, but yesterday my neighbor was blasting Maroon 5 for like a good 3 hours, so it inspired me to write about Adam Levine. Ok here we go, I guess. 

photo by Terry Richardson with whom Levine collaborates frequently for photo shoots...thank crap.
My roommate used to make me sit with her in the living room and watch The Voice (2011 - ), and at first I was like 'are you kidding me?' and then I came to the realization that though it was a bastardization of American Idol (2002 - ) it was far superior. Why? Two words: Adam. Levine. Womanizer extraordinaire and tribal tattoo aficionado, with a voice that sounds like he's coming literally all the time. Of course he had his vices, referring to contestants as 'bro', and putting a million deliberate holes in his jeans, and he humblebrags like every Twitter update he makes and he honestly doesn't realize it. Do I give a shit? Not really. 
I think it doesn't matter what your 'type' is, you find Adam Levine unquestionably attractive. It's like is the sun hot? Yes, to every single person on this earth the sun will be hot. He looks like a nice Jewish boy gone haywire on meth. Sometimes he's rockin' a faux-hawk and lime-green kicks. Others, he's buttoned up in a cravat and sweater vest. But no matter what, he has this distinct swagger and wink in his eye as if to say 'I get laid way more than you do'.
Another photo by Terry Richardson. Levine's a bad boy.
Another universal truth is that Adam Levine has more sex than you do. He has more sex than anyone. It's a mathematical certainty. He's giving Gene Simmons a run for his money. Not only is he a rock star covered in tattoos, but he's got this sweet, gentle, heartbroken side to him. It's very primal, sensual, and unmistakeably hot. Also, he sings like a beautiful naked sweaty angel.
You might think I'm partial to Levine-a-mania because 1. He's Jewish 2. He's from the Bay Area, and other similarities, but seriously girls, you have to have ice water running through your veins if your down-belows don't tingle just a little bit whenever he winks at the camera or does his moves-like-jagger sway. My infatuation started much earlier and I think I'm tired of suppressing it. Girls over 25 can find Adam Levine attractive mmmkay? Now get the hell off my back and let me enjoy it!
Now, I have actually been to a Maroon 5 concert. San Jose, 2005. It was their 'Songs About Jane' tour, and we had 4th row seats. There were beads of Levine-sweat hitting me in the eyeball. It was fantastic. He's really a great performer to all you haters out there. He's no Mick, but his stage persona is definitely fathomable. And if you listen to their early songs before they started making teeny-bopper fluff with Gym Class Heroes, it's actually pretty raunchy. What am I saying? Levine has always been quite the sex-maniac. I mean his second album with Maroon 5 was titled 'Hands All Over', and there havn't been that many photo shoots in which he appears with a shirt on.
Levine chillin' on The Voice. He's way too cool for school.

The whole first album 'Songs About Jane' is basically about how much sex Levine is having with his girlfriend and how painful it all turns out to be. Awww shucks. And I know the first couplets that are popping into your fragile mind are 'I tried so hard to feed her appetite, and keep her coming every night', to which ya gotta think, who is this Jane whom Adam can't keep at full tilt boogie? If Adam Levine isn't keeping you coming every night, you might want to check her for a pulse. That bitch is either frigid or totally ungrateful. But she did inspire a really solid record, but now we can all tune in to NBC and watch Levine talk total nonsense to contestants all the live-long day. Or we can just lock all the doors, close all the windows and rock out to 'Moves Like Jagger' in our undies. Don't bullshit, you know you've done it. 

Below some masturbation fodder, I mean, music videos. 

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