Thursday, June 21, 2012

Boys to Men - The Anticipation of Magic Mike

Ok ladies, I hope you didn't make plans for next weekend because Channing Tatum strips and shows his lady parts for money in the nastiest film of the year...that is directed by Stephen Soderbergh. The only man that can make a film about a call girl starring a porn star completely unsexy and boring. Hence, casting Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey, and Italian stallion slash hottest man on earth right now Joe Manganiello were all very good decisions in the effort to make us forget that this is a film by Stephen Soderbergh. Honestly, who would pay money to see that 'Stephen Soderbergh stripper movie'? It's like saying, hey you want to see that Ridley Scott soft-core porno?
But it promises to be everything that The Full Monty wasn't including showing graphic man parts, so I'm excited. It's not British, it's not very clever or funny, and the men in it have muscles so count me in. 
Also, I'm not too psyched about casting. Alex Pettyfer from Beastly fame is the protagonist, so off-hand you can tell it's going to be crappy on the acting. And I'm sorry but I never had a boner for Channing Tatum. I am not into guys that look like The Incredible Hulk and talk like Lurch from the Adam's Family, no matter how 'magical' his eyes are. And McConaughey's white trash stank is far too strong for me to even think of him in a sexual manner, even though most of his career is based on either one or the other of those. 
This is where we seperate the men from the boys. I'm guessing you can tell which is which. Nice faux-hawk and Blue Steel, Tatum.
But hey, it is a film about stripping, so it basically goes without saying that I'm going to be front row center on opening night...because I use my time wisely. But it's not expected to be anything near the campy genius of Showgirls, the satiric splendor of The Full Monty or even the catchy awfulness of Striptease. It seems more than anything to be mediocre, but brilliantly marketed to women of all ages, and by all ages I mean late 50's. 
I'm not expecting too many tweens sitting next to me (thank god) because it IS rated R for excessive nipples and I just don't think parents would let their 13-year-old cheerleader squad captain out to see it no matter how much she loves The Vow (2012). And most of them are too young to know that McConaughey is just playing the same character he's always played in every film because Dazed and Confused (1993) came out before they were born. But I think I'm going to have the hardest part dealing with Olivia Munn, because that's usually the plot of my every day life - I struggle with her existence, and it's really frustrating. But I'll deal. Can't run a filth blog and not go see Magic Mike, I mean really. 
Now, if this film doesn't deliver in the penis category I'm going to have a conniption fit, because I'm placing bets already as to whose got the gurthiest weiner...I've got 35$ on McConaughey, because we all know the man with the gurthiest body build, has the smallest one. Anyone want to contest this? I mean I'm sure there will be a lot of pant-stuffing, but if there's not serious full frontal (and I don't see how there can't be, Soderbergh has a film actually titled Full Frontal) then, I'm just saying, there will be blood. That's why I'm going by myself. I would hate having to explain to my friend's parents that I murdered them because of lack of money shot. 

Here's the trailer: 

1 comment:

Dark Iris said...

Did you read the Entertainment Weekly article where these smug blokes warmly congratulated themselves and each other on their bravery in taking on these roles? Yeah, Tatum stripped in his earlier days, but that doesn't make him a hero. Now if all of them were forever typecast, and from now on could only play strippers, now THAT would be satisfying. Oh, that's where the Italian Stallion's career resides (thank you True Blood). The whole project tastes like crap. I look forward to hearing your sharp take.