Saturday, June 30, 2012

Are Brits Sexy? Quite...Indeed...Indubitably.

I'm a Benedictian...or would it be Cumberbacher? Either way, the flag looks like the picture above basically. I designed it myself. 
So I'm in the process of watching BBC America's 20 Sexiest Brits (2012) special because it's Saturday morning and I have nothing better to do with my time. Magic Mike (2012) opens at 11am so I still have a good half an hour to kill. My first thought was 'are there any of those?' my second thought was 'why do I give a shit?' but before I knew it there I was on the couch, diet coke for breakfast in hand watching this shit, and canceling my Magic Mike plans!
So the obvies were on the list, professional do-nothing fish-dog Pippa Middleton, British Jennifer Aniston - Emily Blunt, beef-cake supple-lips Tom Hardy...yada yada British yada. But then they wild-carded it and threw Benedict Cumberbatch at me. First of all, most British name since the Commonwealth was first formed, and he looks like an otter. I like them weird so I was all 'hell to the yes' during this segment, because he looks evil and like he might hurt me, but not really. So I get excited about that. 
Then I got pissed off. They put Fassbender on that list. First of all BBC, Fassbender was born in Germany to Irish parents and raised in Dublin. So I don't think any of that qualifies him to be a 'Brit', last time I checked the Republic of Ireland wasn't part of the Queen's Empire, so knock it off. I know you'd like to lay claim to him but, ain't gonna happen.
And just as I was about to get pissed at a TV show as if it were an ex-boyfriend they soothed me with announcing that Ben Whishaw made the list. Yes! thank you! I like them skinny, androgynous, quiet, and generally weird. So thank you, BBC America. That's a perfect man to me. 
Ben Whishaw. Mama like. 
But then they angered me again by putting someone as predictably bland as Colin Firth on the list like anyone gives two shits about him anymore. He was so bland even when he was younger, that I was not into it no matter how much British snobbishness and mumbling he brought to every role he ever played. Fail. 
My favorite part was the fact that they put Cadbury's flake on the list. I've lived in the UK and made the mistake of buying one or two of these things, probably when I was drunk. It basically looks like a cross between a stick of beef jerky and a mummified penis, and consists of rotten milk chocolate flakes condensed into the shape of a strange phallic stick that you could probably masturbate with. So the story behind this is that back in the day, the BBC had a sense of humor about itself made these tongue-in-cheek sensual commercials when a beautiful woman basically performs fellatio on the Cadbury's flake stick and then has some kind of chocolate orgasm. They are very similar to those Calvin Klien Obsession commercials over here in the states back in the 80's. Ironically, they would never make it past censors these days. 
Well kids, it looks like I have to sign off, they are about to talk about Andrew Garfield and I want to be fully present. Or at least I think it will be Andrew Garfield. The alluded to 'sexy men who've ever put on rubber suits' so better not be Chrisitan Bale. Cheerio! 

Below, Cadbury's Flake advert. 

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