Thursday, May 3, 2012

Real Housewives of Officially the Dumbest State in the Union

Left to right: Jacqueline (basically the sweet nice one who just happens to be an awful parent), Teresa Guidice (everyone's new favorite girl we love to hate) Caroline (The mother hen 'we are family' should be tattooed on her face) Kathy (the crazy hot and at times smart new edition from last season who loves belly dancing) and Melissa Gorga (the youngest and prettiest of the bunch who has been in Teresa's cross hairs for a while now)
 Put on your bling and spray tan the shit out of yourself because Real Housewives of New Jersey is back bitches, and this time 'It's all about family'...if you don't get the joke, it's just something that the cast constantly says verbatim in every single episode. Like: 'Mommy, I want to go to the bathroom' response: 'It's all about family.' 
This installment is in my opinion the best of the whole franchise. ...of Atlanta was just a wee bit obnoxious and unrelatable (Thanks for nothing, Kim and NeNe), ...of Orange County was and still is rather boring, ...of Beverly Hills made me want to put panty hose over my head and sit with an assault rifle at a tower, and yes it's a very close second best, ...of New York I just never got into, nor into any of the millions of spin offs so fuck it altogether. ...of DC was actually quite interesting but they cut it loose after housewife Michaele Salahi and scumbag hubbie Tareq infamously crashed the White House State Dinner back in '09. Now, even that's too low for Bravo standards. Don't fuck with Obama, Andy Cohen. 
So now we're back to the Garden State which the media milks like the fattest cow in the pasture with shows like Jersey Couture, Jerseylicious, and of course, my personal fave Jersey Shore. And Bravo is staying on the tattooed, fake tanned, skanky, and sweaty dumb-as-fuck bandwagon if it  kills them. 
No new characters since the uberbitch Danielle Staub left the show (thank god) and was replaced with new token uberbitch's Teresa's sister-in-law Melissa and Teresa's cousin Kathy. So basically, more MILF's. 
In the season premiere Teresa explains to her former allies why exactly she's been such a cunt and betrayed all of them for attention. She actually looks sincere in this photo, no?
Teresa's had a pretty hard last season - she filed for bankruptcy, her husband was cheating on her (what? guys totally jacked up on steroids with little to say other thank 'fuck off' to their 9 year old kids are cheaters too? why I never), and he was arrested for drunk driving. So basically living up to the Jersey reputation which enrages regular New-Jersian's even more, but she's come out of it a few buckets of botox later emerging in the premiere of the 4th season last week looking fantastic, whory, and a bit more mellow. I'm sure her doc doubled her xanax dosage. 
Teresa's husband, Joe Guidice or as she refers to him 'Juicy Joe' (no joke) doing what he does best...weightlifting.
More than anything, she's threatened by the meteoric rise of unlikely lovable character Melissa who is a mommy of three and still in her 20's. She looks like the poor-man's version of J-Lo/Eva Longoria which is ironic considering she's probably richer than the two of them combined. As like the rest of them classy broads in Jersey her hair and make-up are well off the Richter scale and every day she manages to look like a high end prostitute that a governor or major athlete gets busted with. 
With the premiere, it's looking like the friction between aging hag Teresa and hottest-mom-in-Jersey Melissa will be the focal point as they fight it out for the soul of Joe Gorga (Melissa's juicehead hubby and Teresa's juicehead brother). So when you think about it, it's very A Streetcar Named Desire, except with morons. Teresa is Blanche, Melissa is Stella, and Joe is Stanley with (if you can imagine) even more muscles and more of an oaf. 
Anyway, Season 4 promises all that sun-burnt drama served in marinara sauce on a plate of diamonds, with a luscious side-dish of hair extensions and an extra helping of shameless self-promotion. Dig in America. Third episode runs this Sunday, May 6th. Please watch it and then feel vengeful hate for me because I recommended it to you.

Below is Melissa's 'first single' called 'On Display' (of course it is) don't expect too much. It's actually kinda funny I wish I could show you how it first ran on Bravo last season when she performed it 'live' because it was so auto tuned it was ridiculous.

And here is the season 4 promo. It should just be subtitled 'Lots of Drama happens for no particular reason'

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