We All Hold Our Breath As the Royal Hoo-Haa Dialates.

Counting down the hours? Loser.

Alright Englanders and Americans who couldn't give less of a fuck. The Duchess of Cambridge, pug-face Kate Middleton is in the Royal Hospital with a Royal OBGYN pulling out her Royal baby with Royal forceps and dealing with her Royal screams, and disposing of the Royal afterbirth right about now. Did all of that sound gross? Good. 

Now here's something really gross. Imagine the product of those two people, genetically it is just not a flattering picture. Remember when Prince Andrew married Fergie and we were all thinking to ourselves 'yeah that will end well', and now that Princess Eugenie and Beatrice are in their 20's it's horrifying. Yes, Diana added some much needed attractive genes to the otherwise bland, incest-based line of the Windsor house, with their receding hairlines, pointy bucked teeth and generally displeasing faces, but I don't think the Middletons have much to offer to that pool either. Have you seen Kate's parents? Shallow end for sure, I mean her mom is somewhat of a MILF and Pippa's not ghastly, but otherwise, it's a weird look. And coupled with Prince Williams long face, male pattern baldness, and a set of teeth that Invisiline would die to get a hold of, it's going to be one weird bald baby. It's like J-Lo's twins, one really good set of genes and one really grotesque one, and the offspring turn out looking like something out of the X-Files. 

Beatrice and Eugenie...never forget.

It basically boils down to this, they are too different looking, and hopefully Kate is the dominant one in this merge because let's face it, she's way hotter than William. I'm sure how he got her was by walking up to her and be like 'hey, I'm going to be the next king of England...how you doin'?' I'm kidding, we all know the story, especially me because I had to sit through everything about that while in Scotland at St. Andrews where their weird love flourished like it made any difference to anybody and like I gave two sweaty shits. 

I'm honestly dreading what the combination of these two will look like.

Whatever pops out, we know that nothing's going to change, except hopefully Kate will stop looking like the walking dead and put on a hefty amount of stones back on that skeletal figure of hers. And I'll just keep dreaming that one day Prince Harry and I will have babies, and our genes are compatible, and they will come out adorably strawberry blonde, with piercing green eyes and hopefully my penchant for crying over reality TV and cigarettes, and his rough mangled primal masculinity and naughty tendencies. A girl can dream, and I shall continue to do so, meanwhile, it's been like forever Kate, either have the baby or don't. And for the love of god, don't call it North West. 

Enjoy below: 

I Have a Recommendation...8 Years Too Late

A Bradley Cooper that's a professional chef? Where do I sign up?

I've been starved for a good show to watch, I've basically seen everything. And I'm glad Orange Is the New Black (2013 - ) has come out, but I've only watched one episode thus far so I can't blog about it yet, but that's probably the next one I'll do. Hulu just released a show that was cancelled criminally after only one season based on Anthony Bourdain's incendiary bestselling memoir 'Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly' (published in 2000) where the unapologetic bad-ass celebrity chef talks about his times working in upscale restaurants in New York and misbehaving in the most ridiculous fashion. He was basically the Keith Richards of the kitchen, snorting blow and drinking liters of vodka whilst cooking some of the best haute cuisine that city has ever seen. 

Cover of the book the show is based on.

Anthony Bourdain, doing what he does best.

Fox in all of it's wisdom (meant to be read with sarcasm) decided to make a PG version of the book with Bradley Cooper as the titular character, much like what Fellini used to do with Marcello Mastroianni playing a character aptly named Jack Bourdain who is now over a year sober and has been hired on a 'suicide mission' to revamp a Bowery hotspot named Nolita with no staff and 24 hours before opening night. 

He assembles his old mates from the good old days promising all kinds of shit that never comes to fruition, but it's his dream team, and he's the best in the business so in the words of Tim Gunn, it's time to 'make it work'. 

Butch, Sundance, and the pastry chef that wears a bandana.

Cooper is brilliant and hilarious as the enlightened and sober Bourdain (who in real life as we all know didn't remain sober, well for the most part) trying his best to serve the best and most creative dishes to his picky customers whilst dealing with a crabby waitstaff, and incompetent hostess, and every example of Murphy's Law falling on his head every morning. 

He's still the lady's man, almost to the point of being a nympho and can you blame him? He's extraordinarily hot, and the man can grill a salmon like nobody's business. That's a winning combination right there. 

The cast.

The show is called (of course) Kitchen Confidential, and ran from 2005 to 2006 before being cancelled but I was overjoyed when Hulu bought the rights to it because it definitely deserves to be seen. It features a stellar cast; Nicholas Brendon from Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame, John Francis Daly from Freaks and Geeks fame, John Cho from Star Trek (the new franchise) fame, and Bonnie Summerville from her tiny stint as Ross' girlfriend Mona from Friends (1994-2004). Also, Jamie King is there for masturbation fodder so it's a winning combination. 

It's a good ol' dirty shitshow, with the laughs to back it up and the most unseemly behavior, everyone is constantly horny and/or doing it with each other. And Jack (Cooper) is the most gung-ho about it all, just as long as his patrons and his boss (Frank Langella) are happy with his impeccable talents as a chef. 

Shit just got weird.

One of my favorite characters is Owain Yeoman as Steven Daedalus the Sous. An immigrant from jolly old England, he's a high-functioning sociopath that frequently drinks on the job, hits on anything with legs, and has some of the best one-liners I've heard in TV pretty much ever. He and Bradley Cooper make a great Butch and Sundance (which they refer to themselves as) and perk up the show just a few notches to where it's actually a pleasure to watch. 

The rest is pretty predictable for a half hour sitcom; hijinks ensues, trouble brews, tension between the floor and the kitchen reach boiling points constantly and everybody gets laid. I'd work there in a heart beat. So I'm giving this one a solid recommendation. The whole series is available online. Go for it, then go eat some seared sesame crusted tuna...you'll get the joke once you've watched the show. Is that enough of an incentive?

Let's Just Admit that Benedict Cumberbatch is the Best Thing Ever

I'm tired of pussyfooting around the issue people. It's time to let your British freak flag fly high. You all know you are seriously hot for the man with the funniest name ever and a pair of cheek bones that could slice glass. Now that he's in Start Trek: Into Darkness (2013) even American audiences are going from 'oh yeah he's cute in that British kind of way' to 'I'm going to masturbate like crazy to him later when I get home' and 'Chris Pine who?' I was always aware of him but not fully online to the insane gravitational pull of the hottness that is Cumberbatch until I watched all 6 episodes of Sherlock back to back (yes I didn't sleep for two days). At first, I was just looking to be turned on to a new show and I kinda had a thing for Martin Freeman (don't judge me!) but then out of the shadows appeared a super tall figure with a tremoring baritone voice and British accent wearing a long grey coat with the most piercing pair of green eyes I'd ever seen. Hence my formal introduction to the great Benedict Cumberbatch. After that, I had to open up a huge fantasy file. I think it's actually thicker than all the other ones (no pun intended, well maybe). 

Benedict as Sherlock Holmes in the world-wide sensational hit Sherlock (2010-present)

Lately a bunch of people have been turning on to the wonder of Cumberbatch even going as low as to call themselves by a name; the everpresent Cumberbitches, and yes I'm a card carrying member. I will watch anything and everything with him, every internet meme in which he looks like an otter, every interview in which he's impeccably dressed and being snide and British with all of his snide Britishness and I'm counting down the days until the new season of Sherlock or desperately trying to figure out how to watch Parade's End (2013), and perusing Netflix for his earlier work instead of focusing on important things like a career, a relationship, and all that crap. 

Still from Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

So rise up ye fellow Cumberbitches and make your presence known. Not since Ben Whishaw have we had someone so unique looking and chameleon-like in his acting, not since Paul Newman have their been a pair of eyes like that, and not since the British Invasion of the 1960's have American chicks been so fuck all in love with a Brit in show-business. But also, back the fuck off because I'm on a stalking mission and I'm usually good at those...um I mean whatever I don't know what you're talking about, but I will find a way. Where there's a will...there's a Cumberbatch in boxer briefs with a rose in his mouth waiting to ravage me...whilst remaining snide and British.

Some clips below: 

I'll Have A Serving of Steve Coogan with a Side of His Michael Caine Impression

banner for the film Steve Coogan on the left and Rob Brydon on the right.

I haven't been able to watch too much lately, too much shit going on, not enough time, also I care about my tan in the Summer, anyway! I finally took advantage of my Hulu+ account for something that doesn't have anything to do with Bradley Cooper and watched The Trip (2012). I didn't know much about it except the fact that it was made by a director I loath; Michael Winterbottom (a pretentious hack with a flair for nothing happening in his films aside from stares and graphic fucking) and that it had a scene where the two principals Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon do a hilarious competition of who's got the better Michael Caine impression, something which I've incorporated into my dinner parties believe me. 

The crisis of being middle aged. Steve sans family, stability, and hapiness and Brydon possessing all of those things leads to rivalry between the two.

So here's the story Steve Coogan is feeling very middle aged. He's of course playing himself, and is somewhat depressed after his smokin' hot girlfriend decides they need a break and moves back to the states. Before doing so she had planned a trip for the two of them of the best places to eat in Northern England because she's a huge foodie. 

The reluctant bad-ass.

Let's back track a little bit and give you a bit of Coogan history. He's been a staple of the British tabloids who's exploits are rivaled only by the Royals at this point. Courtney Love herself blames him for turning her on to 'the dark side', and that's saying a fucking lot, and he's always been somewhat sexy-weird and seriously fucked up but not in the oh-god-no kind of way, more of in a that's pretty cool kind of way. And through it all he's maintained somewhat of a serious cool-factor, and a sense of unique British-ness in just letting everything shed right off him no matter how lascivious.

So that's why we still love him in a devil-may-care kind of way, and I find him shamelessly attractive. I want his snide, sarcastic babies, I really do. 

So he decides to take an old friend, Rob Brydon (playing himself as well) along with him, and true to Michael Winterbottom fashion, nothing extraordinary truly happens. Steve laments around being depressed and hitting on random chicks, Rob always tries to one-up Steve in his obsession of being the perfect impressionist which leads to some polite British humor, it's all very genuine, and somewhat depressing for a comedy, but for a film in which nothing happens or changes, I was actually entertained and if not for the two male leads, I don't think I would have been. It's a great existential experience. I'd recommend it, I mean it's free, give it a try.

Below trailers and clips: 

Is Emma Watson's Character in The Bling Ring the New Suzanne Stone?

Emma Stone (left) portrays ring leader Alexis Neiers (right) in Sofia Coppola's The Bling Ring (2013)

So much has gone down in the past few days people. Wendy Davis stood in hot pink sneakers in a sea of Republican Texans without pee-breaks or trips to the vending machine for 13 hours to run out the clock so that most abortion clinics in the greater Texas area wouldn't be shut down. The supreme court overturned Prop 8 in California as well as ruled DOMA unconstitutional (while also overturning the Voting Acts Right) that last part being something people have totally seemed to ignore, but still huge strides made for freedom of sexuality and freedom of individual liberty. Meanwhile, Paula Deen is still a huge racist, and Kim Kardashian had Kanye's baby way too early, but not like dangerously early, and gave it literally the dumbest celebrity name, which is totally expected. So my brain is going through a lot of duress right now.

So let's talk about other stuff...all this news is overwhelming and I need a break. I've been watching previews for The Bling Ring (2013) and pre-ordered it on iTunes. It will be the first Sofia Coppola experience I had since I nearly shot myself after watching Marie Antoinette (2005) so obviously I'm hesitant. I've made sure I have a watching partner and the house is cleared of all poisonous and sharp objects. So I should be fine, but let's draw some kind of comparison, just for the fuck of it.

In the trailer there's a very interesting moment that I kept thinking of. Emma Watson plays the Alexis Neiers-based character we all know as the ring leader behind the infamous Hollywood Hills burglaries which shocked...absolutely no one and why the fuck did anyone care that Paris Hilton was now missing three pairs of Chanel sunglasses? I do believe there are still children starving in Sudan but whatever you want to make a film about Sofia is fine by me. Then it hit me, Sofia has always been somewhat of a failed satirist, and perhaps this will be her redemption.

both women love to watch themselves.

I couldn't stop thinking about another pitch perfect satire about a woman who strives to be famous by being infamous, clawing her way up a ladder and leaving others hurt and disturbed along the way; Suzanne Stone the ruthless murderess of Gus Van Sant's brilliant black comedy To Die For (1995). The character is played perfectly by a pre-botoxed Nicole Kidman, and there's a great scene when she's about to basically get away with concpiracy to commit murder and says to hoareds of press who surround her (just what she wants) that 'life, liberty....and all the rest of it still stand for something'. For some reason this immediately popped into my head when in the trailer we see Emma Watson as Nicki swarmed by a similar hoard of photographers desperately speaking into every microphone hiding her actual pleasure with the whole situation by huge Nicole Ritchie-type sunglasses that she's 'a huge believer in karma, and this is a learning experience for her' after which she takes a pause to think of something at least remotely sincere and ends it with 'I want to lead a country one day...for all I know'. The statement seems as misguided as Stone's but harkens that though acquitted in the actual courts, in the court of public opinion, these two broads are screwed because they wanted superficial things (namely fame of any sort, no matter how long the 15 minutes would last) and did really despicable and cruel things to achieve it, not understanding in the end that in their moment of redemption at least to the people that they had fought so hard to get on their side, they totally screwed it up because all in all, they are pretty soulless individuals. 

Both are extremely aware of their own sexual power.

Now, I am not comparing Gus Ban Sant to Sofia Coppola, I mean I haven't seen any pigs fly through my window, nor any of the horesmen of the apocalypse so that will not happen not now and not ever. But in terms of satire, I think if Sofia was directing Watson towards any extension of Alexis Neiers it was probably to play her as one of the greatest bitches in film history, or at least of the 90's and that of satire itself, and that is Suzanne Stone (Nicole Kidman). That is, if she's any kind of smart, and that's a reach. But let's hope that we see some more of Van Sant's themes in Coppola's teenage epic. It could work to her benefit, or land her right on her ass. Just like the rest of her films.

Trailers for both films below. 

It's Literally The End of the Word. Would You Have Sex With Me Now?

'Well it was just building to the big climax and you just shut it off'

So I'm taking a long and delayed flight back to Los Angeles from Philly today, I've got a smelly fat guy to my right and a rude flight attendant buzzing in my ear. There's little to do except watch Anderson Cooper be too sexy for the news, but relief washes over me in a profound way. I remember that I have a rented HD copy of the new film It's a Disaster (2012) which premiered last year at the LA Film Festival, which I somehow missed whilst there. It's a brilliant dark comedy about the end of the world and just how awkward that can make a couples brunch.
Tracey and Glenn (Julia Stiles and David Cross) are a new couple who have only been on a few dates set off on one of Tracey's traditional couples brunches, but not all is dandy in suburban white people land. One of the couples is getting divorced, one is has been cheating with opposite sides of the first couple and one has set a date to get married 6 years ago, so clearly there's some commitment issues going on there, oh and then just as the brunch is about to be ruined by all this news their neighbor shows up in a haz-mat suit to inform everyone that a bunch of dirty bombs were set off downtown and soon everyone will basically be dead, or so surmises the chemistry teacher in the group (America Ferrara).

'...what's a dirty bomb bro?'

With all of the palpable sexual tension that already exists, things start getting even more awkward and tenisony as everyone begins to cope with the fact that they probably won't make it out of this alive, and it's going to be a really slow and painful way out once they realize that the attack is not nuclear but biological.
The batshit crazy tattooed coke doing couple decide to fuck it, and literally. The feuding couple makes amends, and out of the two ho can't commit, one becomes paranoid trying to decide what the hell is out there like it even matters while his chemistry teacher girlfriend goes outside her mind and decides if she's going to die horrible she's going to be wasted as shit doing it on all the scotch in the house and her own homemade ecstasy.

Theatrical poster for the film, voted into the top 20 movie posters of 2012 by filmschoolrejects.com

So the party is going great. And what of our protagonists, the newly together Julia Stiles and David Cross, well turns out dear Tracey is the perpetually single one at these couples brunches because she always seems to attract crazy (it's like I'm looking in a mirror), but she thinks she's finally found the one in Glenn who comforts her and makes their last night on earth romantic...at least for a while. I don't want to give everything away but poor Tracey realizes that Glenn is just as balls to the wall insane as all the rest of them, and as the options become more and more limited everyone accepts their fate...almost. It's a hilarious sex-comedy slash totally and completely dark, like to the point of I cannot believe I am laughing at this. Which makes it seductively bizarre, and everyone in the cast delivers a great performance that is at once punchy, touching, and right on target. It's a great film, I'm giving it my full recommendation.

Trailer below.

Spotlight on: Gareth Pugh

Gareth Pugh, a quite genius and fashion prodigy

Now that the grand innovator and genuine artiste Alexander McQueen is no more and Sarah Burton is basically butchering his legacy by dumbing down the fashions until it's not haute couture but something your grammy wore that now belongs in a consignment shop, it's time to look for that other British bad-boy designer who is going to revolutionize the industry and hopefully take enormous risks with an effortless fearlessness that makes us all stand up and take notice.

for inspiration, Pugh works with themes like cubism, bondage, and the Avant-Garde

 British fashion never had a Jean Paul Gaultier, or a John Galiano, or a Betsy Johnson, but they did have iconoclasts like Vivienne Westwood and Alexander McQueen who threw Burberry's tweeds and stripes right back into their face with their innovative designs and devil-may-care aesthetic. Now there's another bad boy of textile on the British scene who is setting the stage to bring the Brits back to the forefront of high fashion. 

a dress made completely out of safety pins, a nod no doubt to Vivienne Westwood. 

His name is Gareth Pugh, he's barely out of his early 20's and is killing it in every piece of clothing he lets walk the runway. His themes include androgyny, bondage, S&M, and what looks like every German Avant-Garde film from the 30's  I've ever seen. Every one of his models looks like walking art and he is now being recognized by the likes of Lady Gaga (of course), Beyonce, Rihanna, and others. He is truly a force to be reckoned with considering 30 years ago, his clothes wouldn't even be legal. 

Walking art. Don't  you wish your man dressed like this? Well, every once in a while. It's like a viking and  a pterodactyl went to an S&M bar together.

He invented the concept of inflatable clothing and yeah you might not wear it to the office on a Tuesday, but damn isn't that interesting. He's restored art back into fashion, and fashion back into the general folds of entertainment. He's shocking, outlandish, and creative, as well as being a completely genuine article. 

Gareth's now famous inflatable clothing line. 

I believe that his contribution to the British fashion idiom is as important as that of Vivienne Westwood who with a few safety pins and inline zippers completely changed the look of the whole country 30 years ago. Gareth Pugh is doing the same now. To look at his designs and think 'that's too much' is exactly what he's going for and I think that Alexander McQueen were he around today would be proud, not to mention extremely jealous. 

Where Are They Now: Hot Guys of Black Hawk Down

When Black Hawk Down (Ridley Scott) was released in 2001 I saw it, count it, 4 times in the theater, that's not counting how many times I saw it after it was released on DVD. I didn't know what the Delta Force was, I didn't even know which part of Africa Somalia was in. But I'll tell you this much, pretty much every singe supporting player (and yeah the main players as well) were super hot and I couldn't get enough. Yeah, it was pornish you could say. They were all in uniform and heroic and all that jazz, and it's just so funny for me to now recognize them in some of the biggest shows/films today, it's like good job growing up, but I discovered your hotness first. I am the main reason for your success and you owe everything to me. Anyway, let's go down the list. 

Nikolaah Coster Waldau as MSG Gary Gordon

The biggest success from Black Hawk Down is obviously Nikolaj Coster-Waldau who stars in basically the biggest show of all time right now; Game of Thrones (which I DON'T watch so I have no idea if he's still on it or not, but he's also in that godawful disappointment of a film Mama (2013) and a bunch of other crap so he's definitely the breakout. And he had maybe 5 lines in Black Hawk Down, but believe your ass I didn't forget about him. I even learned how to pronounce his name properly out of respect. You probably still haven't done so. Get on it.

Tom Hardy as SPC Lance Twombly

Another obvious one is Tom Hardy, yeah he's in Black Hawk Down, for like 10 minutes, but I totally caught him. He was pretty gaunt back then and didn't exactly look like the massive sex-symbol he does now, but I got it, that's right people. Way before Chris Nolas was even writing Inception (2011) I was all over it. 

Charlie Hofheimer as Corporal Jamie Smith

Another one is Charlie Hofheimer. Who actually has a very dramatic death scene, so his role is pretty memorable (he tries to save Tom Hardy and is shot in a critical part of his leg and bleeds out). In case you don't recognize the name, he was a child actor actually who is currently on Mad Men as Peggy's leftist Marxist boyfriend (well ex-boyfriend now) Abe. He's hard to recognize with all that weird facial hair, but I can still dig it. 

Jeremy Piven is in Black Hawk Down and he's making it as a professional douche bag, moving on. 

Orlando Bloom is obviously in Black Hawk Down, in fact I remember it came out the same year as the first installment of Lord of the Rings; The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) and that's why the theater was mysteriously filled with teenage idiots. 

Kim Coates takes the edge off by sketching as Master Sergeant Tim "Griz" Martin

Kim Coates is another one if you blinked, you missed. He dies a pretty gruesome death, and has little over 2 lines, and he's doing really well for himself on the highly underrated show; Sons of Anarchy, because let's face it, he looks like he belongs in a biker gang, which just makes him hotter. 

Get this, Ty Burrell was in the fucking film. Yeah, TV's new favorite dad on Modern Family was in Black Hawk Down too. Bet you didn't catch that one did ya? 

Hugh Dancy in his big scene as Sergeant First Class Kurt "Doc" Schmid.

And let's end with my personal favorite. I saw the film, and there was one scene I played over and over again. It's Charlie Hofheimer's death scene where the medic Kurt Schmidt tries with futility to save the poor soldier. He was played by a little known British actor named Hugh Dancy, which began a renaissance in my loins, and I think after that I rented every fucking film he was ever in, and now he plays opposite Madds Mikkelsen on Hannibal when he's not playing second banana to his wife; Claire Danes...bitch.

Ode to Brigitte Bardot

Goddess

So tonight I'm keeping it mellow and settled in for a Criterion film, and one which I have shamefully never seen in my life was And God Created Woman (1956) directed by Roger Vadim and his then 21 year old wife Brigitte Bardot who he basically made into the most desired woman on the face of the earth, even for those who didn't speak French. 

Brigitte's introduction to the world. Much like what would later be done in Kubrick's Lolita (1962), a childlike seductress sits outside sunning herself in next to nothing waiting for a man to fall in love with her at first sight.

Not a natural blonde, but then again nobody was, this was the era of being blonde meaning being the end all be all in sex symbols, now a days, it's being a red-head, but whatever. I would blog about Marilyn the ultimate blonde, since it is her birthday, but I've blogged about her mmmmm a million times, so I just want to give a shout out to the most statuesque French-looking french actress who later turned into a psychopath but we can negate that. On the screen she is absolutely magical. If aliens landed tomorrow and asked what the female species was, you'd have to show them a picture of early 60's or late 50's Brigitte Bardot, the only sex symbol that we think of outside the American idiom. 

French poster for the film.

The film is about a waif in a small town near the French Riviera that all men are obsessed with but none can actually have, even when they exchange marriage vows. Her devil-may-care attitude spawned the sex-kitten phenomenon of the 60's and everyone from Vadim to The Beatles were completely obsessed. The story goes that John Lennon himself was so enamored with her that he made his then wife Cynthia dye her hair blonde and do her make-up a certain way to resemble the great Brigitte. Pretty chauvinist no?

But back to the wonder that is her, it's hard not to go crazy when you marry a heel like Roger Vadim at 18 and then he runs off with Jane Fonda, and for the rest of your life, all men want from you is sex rather than conversation, so you join PETA, and blame everyone in the world except yourself for all of your crazy insecurities. 

Another picture of Bardot, just because. She's fun to look at isn't she?

The only person I can think of that in any way reminds me of Brigitte is Claudia Schiffer, she is basically her reincarnation, in body, but not spirit, and perhaps that's a good thing. We don't have to listen to her speak and meander about her politics and bizarre musings on the ways of the world, just turn on one of her films and you'll be completely mesmerized, I don't care if you're a man or a woman, you want it. She is the ultimate vamp of that era, but in a childish Lolita-esque way which makes it even more enticing, and what she created in the film that made her; And God Created Woman will always be copied by ingenues to come. She is a mystery wrapped in exoticism, wrapped in raw sexual prowess, wrapped in heaps of black eye liner. It's fantastic.

The Unthinkable Has Happened: I Was Wrong About Something

Keira Knightly and Aaron Taylor-Johnson fall in love against a surreal backdrop in Anna Karenina (2011)

Last year in July I wrote about my expectations for the soon to be released Anna Karenina (2011) directed by the renowned Joe Wright who's obsession with Keira Knightley knows no bounds. I said that as a Russian, who was made to read Anna Karenina as if it was gospel, I couldn't bare the thought of a theatrical shit show with her and Aaron Taylor-Johnson as the two principal leads.

Well I'm watching it today, and I have to say with utmost disgrace to myself and my intuition, that I was wrong, which I never am people. 

I was literally taken aback at how good this movie looked and felt.

But this was such an interesting take on the famous story and the writing was actually up to par with a 1 1/2 hour adaptation of a 600 page novel by Tolstoy, that's saying the obvious considering the adaptation was written by Tom Stoppard. Yes it was sappy, and missed a lot of the books subtext and essential themes, but it got the jist as best as it could, and for something so highly unadaptable as that book, that's a job well done. I think perhaps maybe I understood the script better (which had it's absurd moments) because I can recite the book verbatim. 

Alicia Vikander as Princess Katerina 'Kitty' Alexandrovna

What I was impressed most about was the supporting players. I loved Matthew McFayden as Stiva, and Alicia Vikander (keep an eye on her, she's going to be the next it-girl, mark my words) as Kitty, and of course Jude Law as the torn and embarrassed Karenin, he's absolutely brilliant and I have no idea who's genius idea it was to cast him because I think he understands the material better than anyone else. In most other adaptations Karenin is seen as the villain; the heartless brute who can't forgive and cares only about his own honor and his promises to god, but Law plays him so layered and enigmatic that you get a real sense he understands that Tolstoy wrote every character in Anna Karenina to be tortured and trapped by their own inabilities to compromise. 

My favorite adaptation remains the Vivien Leigh/Ralph Richardson one from 1948. There's a woman that could play Anna Karenina. Criterion bought it and it's on Hulu.

I'm really starting to sound like a substitute teacher at Russian Lit 101, so I'll finish by commenting on the aesthetic. I heard that the film was done in a strangely theatrical way because they literally didn't have the money to make it a full fledged film shot on location and with meticulous attention to detail to recreate Imperial Russia. And instead of half-assing it, Joe Wright decided to take a different route, making it more of a ballet (another Russian staple) and mostly symbolic, like a fairy tale, which is essentially what Anna Karenina is; an adult fairy tale. It's supposed to be dramatic, whimsical, magical and somewhere beyond this practical world, and I think the aesthetic used captures that. All I will say that I was right about was that yeah, Keira Knightly and Aaron Taylor Johnson do not do justice to the two main characters, too young to have a grasp of the gravity of the roles their playing, and it just sucks plain and simple.

Trailer below. 

Vivien Leigh as Anna Karenina (1948)