Let's Compare Justin Bieber's Fuckface Mugshot to It's Predecessors

It finally happened, 11-year-olds and crazy single moms listen up. Justin Bieber finally got arrested for being world class scum of the universe. Nope, not for harassing his girlfriend Selena Gomez, or snorting comical piles of cocaine, or just being a general douche nozzle. It was for something pretty basic in celebrity fuck up land; a DUI. And here's his goddamn mugshot to prove it. 

Bra, you are not in a photo booth after a drunken night with friends in West Hollywood you are in jail and can't be released on bail until you sober up, what the fuck are you smiling about? 

Not going too far back, another douchy mugshot is that of Bruno Mars when he was caught with possession of cocaine two years ago, nothing to smile about, seriously. 

Remember this one peoples? At the peak of the Paris Hilton hate fatwa, skinny bitch goes down for driving with a suspended license and the look on her face says 'I dare you to put me in jail, don't you know who my father/grandfather is?' Guess what, she was put in jail, and as far as I'm concerned her sentence should have been to be eaten by wolves, just for inflicting herself on society. 

Back in 1999 sex on legs/Oscar nominated actor Matthew McConaughey got arrested for literally the coolest thing ever. Police responded to a noise complaint at his house and found him nude, stoned, and playing the bongos. First of all, that's a good night, and if it ends in arrest so be it. I guess you really don't mess with Texas, if you can't even get a little high, naked, and mind your own naked bongo business. Fuck that place. 

Along those same lines, 'King of Cool' and all around badass Steven McQueen got arrested for I honestly can't remember what, but whatever it was I'm sure it was fucking cool, whether it was smoking a joint in public, crashing a motorcycle or flicking off a cop, more power to you Steve. Oh and yeah, peace brother. 

And back to Texas again, this almost unrecognizable stripper turned best-golddigger-on-the-planet got arrested for trying to solicit prostitution. Have you guessed who it is yet? Here's some clues. Married a corpse, inherited all his money, got her own show where she was a hot mess every day, dead by 2007. Seriously c'mon. 

We all remember where we were during Hugh Grant-Gate. Picking up a hooker named Divine Brown dispelled this bumbly British guy's loveliness and genteelness. Hot of Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994) with Elizabeth Hurley at home, we all had the same thought; 'What the fuck were you thinking?' 

Ol' Blue Eyes got away with quite a lot but as a young Italian street tough on the unforgiving streets of New York, he was busted for carrying a concealed weapon, the mob ties thing came later. 

And let's cap it off with the queen of mugshots who's been photographed more often by Los Angeles County than by any magazine out there. And yes people, it's usually vihecular related, whether the usual DUI which is small beans by this point, to crashing into a cyclist/dog/pedestrian and leaving an 'Sorry about that' note on their bleeding corpse, to driving without insurance, to breaking probation, this girl has it down, if she has anything down in life, so I guess...thumbs up?

Watch at 3:38. 

How Much Did The Canyons Suck and Why?

I made this my background on facebook ironically, and people took me seriously. Um...urly?

Good news friends, I watched The Canyons (2013) so you don't have to. That's right I sat in a dark room, chains-moking, crying, and shaking for two hours, it was like the climax of an episode of Intervention. I was at a party the other night, and people kept mentioning it to me, and at first it had seemed like something I had never heard of because I subconsciously blocked it out. But then things kept coming back to me, like an amnesia patient on a bad soap opera; Lohan, Schrader, porn aficionado James Deen, kickstarter, and then the Eureka moment came, and I almost had a hemorrhage.

Lindsay Lohan from fame-whore child-star gone horribly wrong, drunk driving, and general infamy fame, Paul Schrader from rogue student film generation and Taxi Driver (1975) fame, and James Deen from hardcore anal porn fame collaborated on a shitshow funded almost fully by kickstarter because not even the most eccentric film executive in this godforsaken town would put money down on this project. It popped up that night on my iTunes menu to rent for 6.99$ and I took that as a sign. I put my hand over the 'rent' button and prepared myself for the worst. It was right before I left work, so I took a minute in the bathroom to have a 30 second cry, and then drove home, shaky already.

A still from the film. No, seriously. Now it haunts my nightmares.

It was a warm Los Angeles Friday, and my roommate was away for the evening. I was all alone, vulnerable and scared. I cuddled our dog, and my favorite pillow and pressed 'play' and by the time it was over and my roommate had returned, my face was covered in mascara that had run down to my chin from the nervous crying, my hair was disheveled and I was rocking back and forth like a crackhead who just had their baby taken away from them by the government, grasping the pillow like I was in the freezing waters of the Atlantic with the Titanic sinking behind me, and it was my life raft/frozen dead person float.

Lindsay's signature look which I like to call 'melted Barbie'

As a Warholian, even I was completely and utterly disgusted by the casting, which is in fact, very Warholian, and probably intentional on Schrader's end. Warhol, as some of you know, frequently cast porn stars, junkies, vagrants, and hustlers; all labels that we can throw on both Lohan and Deen, but he cast them to eat bananas sensually, get a blow job from the neck up, or sleep for 6 and a half hours, and considering both Lohan's and Deen's range as actors, that probably would have made for a better film, but Schrader just had to write in a damn narrative didn't he? And these motherfuckers that he cast actually had to pretend they could act!

Yes everyone stop talking to check your phones. It makes for good time filler!

We haven't seen LiLo turn in a good performance since...well ever. And as for Deen, he's basically good at one thing, and it's below the waste. It was almost comical to watch them try to deliver lines and cry and be sadistic, weird, and fabulous if it wasn't so fucking sad. I don't even want to tell you the story because there basically isn't one. Wiki it, it's like a sentence. For someone who was as innovative and fearless to write something like Taxi Driver over 30 years ago, this is the utmost in public humiliation. They should all be taken to the town square and put on a medieval rack and flogged for our amusement because this film was like experiencing the Theater of Cruelty, but not in an ironic titillating way, this was downright cruel, and it's a scar on the back of Los Angeleans, like they don't have enough as it is, because people will watch this thinking that's what we're actually like...and that's only HALF true! Usually I would recommend to watch something bad just for shits and giggles, but I wouldn't even watch it with a drinking game involved. It will just seriously depress the shit out of you. No reputable festival even allowed it to be screened because they didn't want they're name sullied. Way to make a comeback Lohan, and as for James Deen, stick to what you do best; no words, just thrusts.

Based on the Half Hour of Liz and Dick That I Watched Here Are My Thoughts

I think from the side, Lilo's lips look even more hideous.

Oh where to start where to start, I imagine dear reader that you believe someone like myself reviewing something as gloriously cheeseball as Liz and Dick (2012) is like a kid on a field day after smoking the best crack he's ever had and drinking 13 red bulls. Alas, it's all rather depressing. There are so many points I want to make, yet all of them seem redundant. I mean let's talk about the veritable truths that bind together all of mankind. Lindsay Lohan is an awful train-wreck, made-for-tv biopics are the kiss of death, no one compares to Elizabeth Taylor nor should ever try to play her period, and gaudy costumes and breathless delivery do not make a movie. How many times do I have to say this before people actually listen is the real question. Unfortunately the answer is forever...or I develop rheumatoid arthritis in both hands. 

Cut, print, shit.

So why did I turn on the TV? Well I had just completely an arduous 7 hour drive back from the Bay Area to Los Angeles, unpacked and turned on Lifetime enough to catch LiLo as Lizzy getting Richard Burton (Grant Bowler) drunk in her dressing room because he was way too hungover to perform ANYTHING on one particular day in the Roman heat dressed to the nines as Mark Antony, and her rather dowdy and frumpy, and so not nearly as fabulous as Elizabeth Taylor was back then, extra weight and everything. She calls him the 'Welsh Don Juan' and expresses her fears of being 'just another notch on his belt' like that phrase hasn't been done to death, thank you writers. 

Eventually they fuck and all is well in spouse-cheating land. That is until this new phenom enters the picture, these mosquito-like buzzing photographers that squat in bushes and jump out in front of cars. They mention how Fellini coined the term for the little fuckers called 'paparazzi', thanks for that impromptu film studies lesson idiots. Fellini is crying in heaven that you dare mention his name. Moving on.

Aside from everything else wrong with this picture, did anyone else notice how 'glazed over' LiLo seemed to be the whole time? I mean, I've heard of method acting, but I don't think that's what this is.

 There's a montage of fucking, which is highly gross considering even made up as Liz Taylor LiLo is beyond undesirable. She's definitely an 'if-i-had-to' kinda girl, but even then I could almost see the Hep-C being transmitted as Grant kissed her with the most faux passion he could muster without gagging. 

Oh and beyond that, they have to dumb it down by having the two leads sit in directors chairs and talk about each other in the third person basically explaining what just happened in the previous scene to us like we're all completely retarded. The only piece of method acting that LiLo is able to apply to this travesty is how well she smokes her cigarettes. For some reason I hate it when you get a non-smoking actor to play a chainsmoking character. They always go at the cig like they're performing fellatio on it...so I guess good job there, LiLo. 

Right as the Ambien was taking effect and I was about to rid myself of this shitshow, a drunken Burton makes the startling announcement that would destroy dear Liz's 4th marraige to Eddie Fisher in front of Eddie Fisher; they are in love, and fucking like a lot, so uh if he wouldn't mind getting the hell out of the way everyone would really appreciate it. 

Playing dress up is always fun, so is recreating iconic photos, but this is people's lives here, not Halloween k folks?

Then LiLo runs her pretty head off outside in tears; 'oy the mess i've gotten myself into again' certainly permeating through her head. And then there's another fuck montage. As I have actually read bios on Elizabeth Taylor and just finished 'Furious Love' (2011); the definitive account of Burton-Taylor crazyballs shenanigans, I knew what was going to come next and I was not in the mood. Fucking and fighting seem to go hand in hand in the story of Liz and Dick, but in this film, each is equally as displeasurable as the other. Also, just like Meg Ryan, Lilo's lips had become a fixture. I was tired of looking at them. They seemed to overwhelm the screen and there was little else I could pay attention to. So I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, and woke up the next morning with a bitter taste in my mouth. It was not the bitterness of disappointment I assure you, as I had prepared myself for this for months. It's hard to be disappointed at something you knew was going to be stanky garbage to begin with, but I felt it unfair that people had to be subjected to it, though I knew no one would ever take this seriously. It happened, and now we can all move on.

Trailer below. 'Are you convinced?' ....never was.

The Most UnSexy Bio-Pic Portrayls and Who Should Have Been Cast Instead

I'm sorry, I'm still not over Lilo being cast as Elizabeth Taylor and now that I have to stomach driving past a mile-high billboard of her as Liz in down sunset and try to make breakfast from coming up, I'm going to give you some more examples of shitty casting in Hollywood obviously by idiots who have never seen a movie made with the subject of their respective bio-pic therefore resort to stunt casting in order to make desperate dollars off an unassuming public. Someone please start getting it right, it's getting ridiculous. There are only a few examples here, there are so many but I don't want to go too far back or spew my resentment all over the place, so I'm just leaving you with 6.

Scarlett Johansson as Janet Leigh in the upcoming bio-pic Hitchcock (2012). Dear Scarlett is not nearly as 'pointy' as Janet Leigh, and her voice is far too low. This is a good example of being-cast-for-your-rack-casting, I think this is an enormous misfire. No one is going to envision Janet Leigh with someone like Scar-Jo who shouldn't be doing ANY bio-pics.

Who Should Have Been Cast: Emma Stone. Not only does she look like Janet Leigh, I'm under the firm impression that Emma Stone can do anything.

 

Ben Affleck as George Reeves. This was just a hot mess in every direction. Hollywoodland (2006) was an awful film, mainly because Adrien Brody was in it, but Ben Affleck as the very first superman really crawled under my skin and planted a cancer in it.

If you could recast this today, this is basically an obvious choice, that is to hired Armie Hammer who is not only versatile and interesting, he also basically looks a lot like George Reeves, and he's reminiscent of 50's movie stardom much more than Ben Affleck who sadly is stagnant to his own time.

James Franco as James Dean. This was a misfire and a half. Rather than get to the iconic hypersexualized states of Dean, Franco (of course) sought out to bring about the intellectual 'serious actor' side of Dean, and lets face it, none of us were interested in that. The movie flopped, predictably. 

Who should be recast today? Aaron Taylor Johnson. I know that no one is interested in any more takes on James Dean, but I think this would be an interesting choice. They are about the same age, and let's face it, Aaron knows how to brood.

Sienna Miller as Edie Sedgwick. This never made sense to me and no one is a bigger Edie fan than I am. Aside from the film being poorly written and constructed, Miller was all wrong for the part. She was older, British, she didn't look anything like her or sound anything like her. You can only put pantyhose and thick black eye-liner on someone so much but it still looks like a cheap Halloween costume.

Ellen Page would have been perfect, she's definitely got that bulnerability factor, she's petite, and she looks a lot like Edie if you just tweek the hair and make up a bit. I think this would have been a far superior choice.

Just for shits and giggles lets do Sienna again in her role as Tippi Hedren in her performance in the new HBO film The Girl (2013) opposite Toby Jones as Alfred Hitchcock. Oy Vey. Again, what is the appeal here exactly, and has anyone ever seen Tippi Hedren? Seriously.

I think something as troubling as this HBO movie which is clearly riding the coattails of that other Hitchcock film I was telling you about would be vastly improved by the casting of Maggie Grace (you might remember her as that whiny bitch Shannon from the TV juggernaut Lost (2004-2010). But she could definitely encapsulate that icy-blonde persona of Tippi and really bring it full circle.

And let's cap this off with the casting decision that deeply affected all of us for the rest of our lives. The studio executives were clearly smoking something when they decided casting Lindsay Lohen, la trainwreck terrible as cinematic icon Elizabeth Taylor, and judging by the promo photos that have been coming out and that new ridiculous trailer for Liz and Dick (2012) it seems like it will indeed be a barf fest.

Who should have been cast instead? Isn't it obvious? Not only does Lilly Collins look almost identical to a young Elizabeth Taylor, she's right about the correct age. I mean Lindsay is the right age too but because of all the cocaine and drinking binges she looks about 45. Lilly aesthetically appeals as Elizabeth Taylor way more than anyone else, forget Lindsay for the moment, I mean she should be at the tippy top of the list. Hollywood execs seriously need to stop smoking crack. Period.

Below some trailers regarding this bullshit.

Let's List All the Reasons Why Lindsay Lohan is 'Right' for Elizabeth Taylor

Are you kidding me Hollywood? It's the proverbial WTF heard 'round the world. Did you really think it would be a alright to sell the idea of coked-up rotted-toothed, party-slut Lindsay Lohan, the semi-annoying child actress of yesteryear and current walking train wreck as portraying the greatest silver screen icon that ever existed? I'm starting to think that the execs at Lifetime were waiting for the latter to kick the bucket so that she wouldn't be able to sue them when they held a picture of Lindsay in front of her and said; 'That's you'. 

Clearly, this is one giant publicity stunt, and good thing it's for television, because I don't think the cinema would stand for such nonsense. They'd hire someone like Lily Collins or Ashley Rickards. Remember, Elizabeth was about 17 when she was cast in her first major adult film role, and Lindsay looks no younger than 42 these days. But it's not like we're such a classy society that we can't at least be a little bit titillated by the idea of total trash playing such a beloved figure. 

Anyone remember this? Lindsay posed as Marilyn Monroe imitating her famed last photo shoot back in 2006. I honestly do not see any redemption in Hollywood's constant attempt to try to compare her to the sexual icons of the golden age of cinema. You can see how big of a fail this endeavor is.

I don't know who's slated for Richard Burton in this aptly and redundantly titled Liz & Dick bio-pic in the works right now, but considering their choices so far, I'm thinking Chad Michael Murray or Shane West. It's destined to be a frivolous farce for teenagers, as part of LiLo's contractually obliged big comeback. Think of it; it wreaks of disaster, but I might just be there to roast marshmallows from the flames coming out of Lindsay's ass as she's torn to pieces by outraged intellectuals and film buffs.

Ok I got a bit carried away. There are so many reasons why Lindsay is wrong for this project OBVIOUSLY. Also, Snooki is tan, and fish swim in the sea. But what if we did a complete reversal and talked about the ways in which she's right for it? Just for fun? I mean, no one is honestly taking this film seriously, Lifetime is a network that loves to milk shmaltz, melodrama, and camp (or what's left of it) so why not hold our heads high and consider the following? 

1. Lindsay Lohan, like Elizabeth Taylor, started out as an adorable child actress and only when she started 'developing' was she cast in more mature roles. 

2. Lindsay Lohan, like Elizabeth Taylor, has a shit balls crazy and determined stage mother, who uses her daughter to put herself in the ever so unflattering spotlight. 

3. Lindsay Lohan, like Elizabeth Taylor was naturally blessed with a huge rack...so there's that. 

4. Lindsay Lohan used to hang out with Paris Hilton. Elizabeth Taylor married to Conrad Hilton Jr. Paris' uncle. Are you surprised I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel here?

5. Both have done multiple extensive and lengthy stints in rehab.

6. Elizabeth Taylor died at 79. Lindsay looks 79. At this point the only person LiLo is an appropriate choice to play is Leona Helmsley.

Ok, I'm out. That was painful. All I'm wondering is what is going on inside Lindsay's head right now, aside from barbiturates. Is she hitting the books reading 'Furious Love' and 'The Queen and I'? Is she watching A Place in the Sun and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? Is she buying violet contacts and consulting with her plastic surgeon regarding a boob lift? I really hope so.

But don't let's all start getting our hopes up, the only point of the upcoming project is to see just how badly she tanks. It's a gimmick. But unfortunately, it's done at the expense of Elizabeth Taylor and that's just not cool. For a woman who gave you basically her lifeblood for over the last 50 years, this is how you choose to honor her legacy? For shame.