Ode to Jared Leto

Adorbs...and flawless Ombre I might add. Better than mine. 

Alright, my blog has been rather silent lately, so let's just write some shit shall we? Especially after a sex dream, that's the best time to do it. Salvador Dalí and Luis Buñuel used to do that in order to make one of the treasures of Experimental Cinema - Un Chein Andalou (1929) so why not? Yeah, I just compared myself to Dali and Bunuel, I'm definitely sex-crazed enough. I think I would have fit right in with their trifecta at Residencia de Estudiantes with Lorca hanging out watching the Spanish sunrise over a bottle of champagne talking about art before Franco's revolution chased them out...ok getting way off track here. 

Let's talk about the obvious thing I want to talk about. The prettiest Oscar winner we've seen in a while...no not Lupita N'Yongo, and quite honestly there's a celebrity cult around her and if you're at all on twitter or follow indiewire on Facebook you'll notice that every other post is about her, so let's just not even. She's awesome, good for her, the end. No I'm talking about the scruffy-poet looking, bow-tie wearin', mom-lovin' slice of heaven that was Jared Leto at the Oscars. I mean it couldn't have been more perfect. During award season, he was playful and at times borderline offensive, getting seriously scolded for his 'insensitive' remarks after winning his Golden Globe, but for the Oscars he really stepped up to the plate. And quite frankly I'm against the rumors that someone was paid to write that Obama-esque speech for him. There were tears in his eyes when he gushed about his mother, and you just can't fake that...unless you're an actor and you're really good which he obviously is, but still. Those were some real tears. Aside from that he had some good ol' fashioned fun. Whom else would you rather photobomb if not Anne Hathaway? She deserve to get photobombed basically every time she poses in my opinion, and Jared looked so much hotter than her anyway, I was embarrassed FOR her. He took selfies with him and the Oscar sign, and even participated in the silly pizza ordering gimmick, giving his slice to (again) his mommy. I was just melting. 

Leto as Rayon (light on the weight, but a heavy character to carry with him all the time which is actually what I heard he did during the production of Dallas Buyers Club (2013))

Most of us don't really remember Jared Leto since his arm slicing days in Requiem for a Dream (2000) considering he was barely recognizable in Chapter 27 (2007) where he played John Lennon's killer Mark David Chapman and weighed roughly 100 pounds more (I wonder if he went off veganism for that, probs). 

Considered ever the method actor, and always very dedicated to his roles, his weight loss and ahem...waxing for the role of Rayon in Dallas Buyer's Club (2013) was not the first in which he had to go a dramatic transformation. Poor man, he's been at it longer than Christian Bale, and doesn't get any notice for it like the latter does. 

Again, barely recognizable as Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27 (2007)....yes co-starring Lindsay Lohan, now acting opposite her is a feat for anyone. 

I remember him as the flannel clad, always strumming an acoustic guitar, pretty boy in the short lived 90's cliche'd series My So Called Life (1994 - 1995) and then maybe some easy-to-digest softy 90's films before he reappeared ripped and cut with bleach blonde hair as Angelface in the quintessential movie of the 90's; Fight Club (1999) For which I'm sure he had to really work out. I mean he played a mean fighter until Edward Norton kicked his ass. 

We all remember THIS guy...I think some of us dated this guy in high school. 

Then he was smart enough to work with Mary Harron as Patrick Bateman's doppleganger who gets brutally murdered by an ax in perhaps the funniest murder scene that exists on cinema; American Psycho (2000). But that's as far as I'll go on listing his credits, basically he took a 4 year hiatus from acting to focus on his band, all fine...but seriously Jared you robbed us of a good 4 years of material here. Now that we all know what you're capable of please don't ever do that to us again. And may I remind you that he was actually the oldest to be nominated in is category. He's older than Fassbender, yeah if that's what you're wondering only he looks like he's about 5 years younger. I guess all that Yoga and vegan diet does him good. I couldn't do it though...because when (not if) we date, I need cheese. Fancy, French, stinky cheese. It might come down to a Sophie's Choice of Jared Leto or cheese...and quite honestly I can't answer that right now. Anyway, again getting off track. Jared proved to us Oscar night that he is one of the best in the business and not just a pretty face that can put on or lose a tremendous amount of weight for a project with a killer voice, he's a captivating talent and also in a class by himself. You know me and my penchant for comparing contemporary actors to dead actors of the Golden Age, but I just can't here. Which is probably a good thing. Keep at it Jared...also call me.

Dallas Buyer's Club (2013) Trailer

Chapter 27 (2007) trailer 

Leto as Paul Allen in one of the best films (if not the best film of the new Millenium; American Psycho (2000)) 'Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now you fucking stupid bastard!' 

Music video for 'City of Angels'; off 30 Seconds to Mars' latest album...he's a Renaissance man. 

No I Haven't Read the Fucking Book

'This special effect was way better in the book'

Seriously ya'll, there are certain books that I refuse to read because they are either 'Children's Books' or 'Young Adult Books' or 'Stupid'. But you know what? I'll still make it out to the theater and watch Hunger Games: Catching Fire (whistling noise). Not to blow my own horn or anything but I tend to gravitate towards books that Stanley Kubrick once turned into a film in fact, my favorite book of all time was turned into a film by Kubrick...I'll give you a hint, the author's Russian. I mean I gave The Hobbit a glance through while stoned in high school, and once at the Columbia Bookstore I actually picked up a copy of 'Twilight' before screaming and running out of the store like a mad woman, after which, taking a series of cold showers. But that shit doesn't wash off people. That's why I was hesitant to pick up the 'epic' books that The Hunger Games are based on. First of all, it gets so much criticism for basically being an amalgam of all kinds of shit, specifically the film Battle Royale (2000). 

I found it to have a little touch of Ayn Rand dystopianism, a dash of Shirley Jackson's 'The Lottery', and basically every gladiator film that's ever been out since the camera was invented. But I finally watched it, I did, and though every extra of Panem looks like they're late for a Lady Gaga concert, and the narrative was somewhat fuddled I enjoyed myself. J-Law strikes again.

And I am looking forward to the sequel. And no I won't be reading the second book before I watch it so there. You know what I like about some movies? No reading involved. And you know what I hate? The phrase 'the book was so much better than the movie you guys', tell me you haven't wanted to punch the lights out of that pretentious assmunch. 

Aesthetically the marketing is fabulous, it appeals to the serious fashion crowd, and we know they don't read shit...unless you count Vogue...which I do.

You can see that the story is very 'Young Adult' and clearly not the model of post-modern dystopia and communist allegory we all know and love as literate individuals who once took an English class (O, Captain, my Captain), but hey, it's a children's book for fuck's sake. Girls that are no older than 15 will dress up like Katniss Everdeen for Halloween. Girls over 20 will go for 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo', which I HAVE read (oh holy shit). 

The worst example of film or literature ever. Like ever. Also the best example of accidental marketing.

So basically what I'm saying is that some books are not worth reading, just watch the effing movie and get off on Peeta and Katniss having moments of awkward teenage love as they try to not kill each other. Don't read the motherfucking 'Notebook', in fact, don't read anything by Nicholas Sparks nor watch any movies that his books are based on. Just get your popcorn on and hush up screaming teenagers sitting next to you when you shamelessly as an adult over 25 buy your ticket to Catching Fire (2013) rather than something actually thought provoking like 12 Years a Slave (2013), also based on a book and a really good one, but let's face it how many of you are going to watch 12 Years a Slave and exclaim that you know all about Solomon Northup, slavery in America, and the Civil War. A lot of you, and I will be super annoyed. So let's put on our Katniss pins, do the three finger salute, and just have a little bit of illiterate fun while we still don't get judged for it.

Trailer below.

Today, We Toast The Death Of Twilight

Run bitch! Your career is burning down!

 Today is the big day Twi-hard idiots! I hope you are already calling in sick from work to risk potentially being fired so that you can sit in the shitty rainy weather waiting to be the first loser out of all your loser friends to buy a ticket to the mercifully last installment of the adaptation of the shittiest literature ever to happen to the English language!
Here's a big toast to you, your mother's basement, and the end of Kristen Stewart's career! It's been a long time coming, but hey dropping out of college to start your own Team Jacob fan club was totally worth it.

But you know what? The journey continues. Because how will future generations ever know truly how far we've fallen as a species and how poorly we execute creative concepts if you don't live to tell your pod children about it eventually.
Now, understanding that you're probably celibate because of lessons you've picked up from Stephanie Meyer and believe that every guy you ever will meet will have the ability to accidentally fuck you to death, you will eventually proceed with some kind of artificial insemination type deal...or you're just going to end up reading the books to your exotic bird collection. 

In all seriousness though, I wish you the best, but by no means do I think you'll ever achieve it. Your ambition to be a writer like Stephanie Meyer is not going to make you rich because you'll soon realize that we only tolerate that kind of thing once every millennium. So here's my tip for you, every penny you save from your parents still giving you allowance because you still live at home save towards your therapy, because the notion that there is no man out there like Edward Cullen is going to hit you hard believe me. Fill up on the Paxil, because life is going to be really really sad. Anyway, get back to your sparkling apple cider and your weird Mulholland Dr. (2001) type masturbation. It really is the end of a sick and embarrassing era. BTdubs, I'm pretty sure drinking human blood is a felony, last time I checked, just keep that in mind.

Great article (almost too great) about how Twilight would have done better as porn. In 100% agreement. 

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figures

Trailer to the shitshow below. 

Teenage Culture is Fascinating

Cody Simpson, the new next big thing to help us fill that Justin Bieber void after we collectively realized he can peace the fuck back out to Canada.

It really is. I mean, I'm in my late 20's and people completely stop being interesting at that point. They either become dull or hateful. Everyone's scared of each other, everyone's judgmental and obnoxious, and you really start only giving shits about yourself. So basically what I'm saying is that the real world makes you into an asshole, and that's basically a scientific certainty, in the exact same language.

The idea that 20-somethings who are overworked underpaid and enormously in debt from way misguided attempts to do something meaningful during college are trying to dictate what is cool and what is not is preposterous. Since the dawn of teenagers, they have been at the forefront of what we accept and don't accept as popular culture.

If you think about it with teen idols entering into adulthood with Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift fast approaching the drinking age (in fact, I'm pretty sure Taylor is like 23 at this point) a new crop of badly groomed squeaky teen idols are just waiting to take their spots with their kicks more neon than Justin Biebers, and their hair more gelled than Robert Pattinson's. And here's the thing, considering teenagers as self-aware as they are have no concept whatsoever of shame, they are able to basically bring whatever the fuck they feel like to the fore and we're like 'mmmkay, guess we're now dealing with this shit'.

Wes Anderson has never made films from the point of view of anyone who has matured beyond the mental age of 16, which is exactly why he's so fucking popular. Still from Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

Self-consiousness, self-loathing, and general insecurity is generally something that manifests itself after that initial teenage period where the psychology is much more a cloak of invincibility. That is why the culture that comes out of that meliu is so balls-to-the-wall ridiculous, especially the sexual culture. They are too young to understand the pathos of sexuality on any kind of mature level (obviously) all they know is they like it, and they want more of it, so basically that leads to all kinds of innuendo that suggest rather than graphically exploits. Whenever those lines are blurred, teenagers find it highly confusing and repugnant. Example: the infamous Miley Cyrus spread for Vanity Fair that Annie Lebovitz shot.

Miley Cyrus cements her status as jail-bait thanks to a little help from Annie Lebovitz.

And in the end isn't that how we should all be, confused but highly arrogant, sexually charged but sexually frustrated and never-endingly obsessed with pretty people? Seems like an ideal state of mind to me, also in a way very Warholian, which to me makes it all the more appealing. Regression is IN, personal growth is out. It's overrated and passe. No one is interested in evolving; the more we know the less we care. So turn off the CNN debate, and turn on the VMA's and get back to the superficial things in life. You'll be surprised how wonderful it is.

Netflix Review: Freaks and Geeks

The freaks. L to R - Daniel Desario (James Franco) Kim Kelly (Busy Phillips), Ken Miller (Seth Rogen), Lindsay Weir (Linda Cardellini), and Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel)

Only airing 14 episodes, but a true cultural landmark that launched the careers of Jason Segel, James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Judd Apatow, Freaks and Geeks (1999 - 2000) is a pleasure to be savored. Paul Feig wrote the whole series while driving cross-country trying to sell his new film at that point...you know the one called...something or other. Oh how funny life can be because his scribblings soon became a television landmark with a loyal underground following.
It is the first show to utilize high school aged actors playing high schoolers, and also perhaps the first show to reflect the ideology of hat later became the slacker generation, starting way back in 1980. In 1980, disco sucked, 8-track tapes were in every house, and Mark Zuckerberg was 4 years from being born. It was a very different time, and seems further away from our generation than say the 50's. Perhaps that's why the show had such an unimaginably short run, because it was so authentic to its time and atmosphere that it was completely irrelevant to us, the idiots.

The Geeks on Halloween. L - R: Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine), Harris  Stephen Lea Sheppard (Harris Trinsky), Sam Weir (John Francis Daley) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) as the bionic woman.

But let's talk about the almost all-male cast...and Linda Cardellini who hasn't been relevant since (poor girl). It's hard to feel sorry for someone who was the the real life Sarah Marshall; Jason Segel really got ahead on that whole public opinion front, but she was a feisty, sarcastic, plain-ish girl next door. But I never really found her any kind of interesting so, moving on.
John Francis Daley, the pre-pubescent androgynous actor who now has now carved out a nice little niche for himself writing successfully crude comedies like Horrible Bosses (2011) is the most adorable thing in the world and has grown up to be the hottest man this side of too-hot-to-be-straight-shire. He plays Linda Cardellini's brother, Sam Weir (she plays Lindsay Weir btdubs).
The Freaks of the show are composed of James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel, but don't worry they're not freaks in the sense that we see them; as Oxycontin-addicted pseudo-gothic motherfuckers who drive 20-year-old Dodge Darts, and speak in iambic pentameter. They're just some Sabbath-obsessed burnouts who have never gotten an A on anything. They are Lindsay's friends slash love-interests...for the most part. And quite honestly it's hard to cast a 21 year old James Franco in anything where he's not a love interest...I don't care if it's opposite a sofa, that's the part he's going to play.

awkward...

The Geeks are Sam's friends. All freshmen, they painfully make their way through this waking nightmare we call high school in the 80's, or high school in general, as it really hasn't changed much. Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) are the ridiculously geeky individuals that are in everyone's high school. There's the Jewish, too-hairy-for-his-age, over-achieving, chubber who doesn't really understand social norms in an almost autistic way, and then there's the point-of-no-return geek who's always been too tall even as a baby, wears thick rimmed glasses that take up his whole face, and doesn't speak except to express his disdain with any given situation.

Mr. Rosso the guidance counselor, who even though looked exactly like Edgar Winter, you still kind of crushed on.

 It's basically a perfect show, with something or someone everyone can relate to, and what's most devastating about it is it's honestly which is at times both hilarious and cruel. And it's totally original. It's my favorite show of that whole era. Watch the whole first season without stopping, it's kind of hard not to. Also, Both the Freaks and the Geeks remind me of guys that I dated while I was in high school. Every single one of them...Even Stephen Lea Sheppard...yup I went there. And Dave 'Gruber' Allen as Mr. Rosso...yep went there too....no I didn't.

Below, the intro.

Below, the infamous dodgeball scene.

Below, a hilarious scene from the non-alcoholic party episode. It's my favorite.

Netflix Review: Varsity Blues (1999)

Aside from a football uniform, Scott Caan's basic wardrobe was his birthday suit and a cowboy hat to cover up his junk. In this scene, Tweeder steals a cop car and picks up a bunch of horny sophomores trying to help out his bro Mox (Beek) by trying to get him to join in the fun, how did I miss this in High School?

I was hanging out with a friend yesterday and we were trying to find something to watch on Netflix Instant. Lo and behold, one of their 'new releases' is that football sex teen drama from the 90's Varsity Blues (1999) Starring everyone's favorite Dawson, James 'The Beeks' Van Der Beek. It's one of those quintessential 90's teen films, and one of the first categorical 'MTV movies' to put style over substance, and create basically a 2-hour long music video out of a dismal unrealistic plot. But for chrissake is it fun to watch. 

The Beeks plays a young intellectual in the making Johnny Moxon who just happens to live in bumblefuck no-where, Texas and is pressured into a life that revolves around high school football games and Nuremberg Rally type upheaval over them. I really enjoy his V.O.'s throughout the film because I hate subtlety. In them he explains how in a small town in the Deep South, football is akin to fanatical religion and it's hard to speak out against it because everyone is always pressuring you to win and be the best.

Lots of bro-love in this movie.

Because he is the only one with more than two brain cells knocking against each other upstairs, he can't really maintain sympathy from his circle of friends which include All-State, star quarterback, blonde Greek god-like dumbfuck Lance Harbor (Paul Walker), hornier than shit wide-receiver (no pun intended) Charlie Tweeder (Scott Caan), and fatter than shit missing link Billy Bob (Ron Lester), also there's the token black guy who's name we don't learn until the last 10 minutes of the film, way to check all the 90's teen cliche boxes, Varsity Blues (1999). 

But even though the women in this film are all supporting players they steal the movie whole-sale. Even if you never snuck into a screening of it when it first came out as a teenager, you still remember one scene out of that film if nothing else; I don't even know why I have to tell you that it's the 'whipped cream scene'. Even when I say 'whipped cream scene' you can guess which film I'm talking about. It was such a landmark of the 90's, it's basically the OJ Simpson trial, Dolly the sheep, and the whipped cream scene from Varsity Blues (1999).

The most famous scene of the 90's.

Aside from a plot point being that everyone's Sex Ed teacher is actually a nasty, nasty stripper (oh the irony!), there's of course the storyline of Lance's girlfriend Darcy. Darcy (Ali Larter) tries to seduce Mox after her boyfriend Lance almost dies on the field with a knee injury so that she can still superglue herself to a man that's 'going places' and doesn't end up turning tricks at the truck stop. The way she does this is strip naked and put whipped cream on her lady parts. A feat that actually doesn't end up working but made for one hell of a celluloid moment. I can't tell you how I know this, but whipped cream doesn't actually work in that kind of situation, and even the filmmakers later admitted that they used shaving cream combined with mousse to create the makeshift bikini but that doesn't sound nearly as sexy, in fact it sounds poisonous.
Ali Larter was one of the few that ended up keeping her career after her adventures in dessert toppings. If you think about it, not many more survived MTV films of that era. I mean, Paul Walker has all of the Fast and Furious films but that's something I don't think you EVER put on your resume, 625 million at the box office or no 625 million at the box office.

All in all, the film is quite exclusively shit, but it did teach me a few things. 1. Sports always looks more interesting when there's Foo Fighters playing. 2. What tight end does (again, no pun intended) 3. When in doubt, whipped cream bikini. If you want the man of your dreams, whipped cream bikini. If you are little more than a gimmick, whipped cream bikini. If you don't have a script and need filler, whipped cream bikini. If close to death from malnutrition and all you have left in your refrigerator is whipped cream, whipped cream bikini. 4. Scott Caan has a really nice ass. So for those life lessons and more, thank you, Varsity Blues.

Below, some clips. Catch it on Instant. It's not Braveheart (which is also recently on Instant) but it's catchy in that special stupid way, and there's naked people in it. Also, really good 90's-aesthetic steady-cam sport montages to popular music.

Life is So Fucking Awkward.!

This is usually the face Jenna (Ashley Rickards) makes when things get awkward, which is often...obviously.

So last night after being bored to tears watching Roger cry like a bitch for the millionth time on Snooki & JWoww the predictable train-wreck spinoff of Jersey Shore (2009 - ), I was too lazy to change the channel when Awkward. came on. I had always written it off because it looked just like one of those many many many retrospectives on a pretty but ugly girl in the most uncomfortable moments in her life, and the endless awkward mishaps that keep happening to her for some reason...but for the digital age. At first, it seemed like the teen version of Sex and the City (1998- 2004) and then I was like, hold up - the main character blogs literally like all the time, hold up - the vast majority of her sexual hookups are painfully awkward, hold up - she narrates her life with passive narcissism and ironic self-deprecation. So she's basically me but 12 years ago (good fucking god I'm old). So my advice for Jenna would be - hang in there sister, it gets worse. 

I remember when my high school boyfriend broke up with me. I had on that exact same face/dress/pigtails. This leads her to have sex with her boyfriend's much hotter friend Matty (Beau Mirchoff).

...this guy. Yep, this one.

I think I've figured it out. The 90's celebrated the ditz in all of us, the one who WAS popular, attractive, smart but not really, and not weird at all, except if it's conventionally weird (which sounds like an oxymoron, but I'm making a My So Called Life (1994) reference here.) From Clueless (1995) to Saved by the Bell (1989 - 1993) the 90's celebrated the rich, conventionally hot, accidentally brilliant persona, while the 00's have given life to the disadvantaged, socially retarded, and yet completely endearing girl that television keeps building shows around, starting way back with Freaks and Geeks (1999 - 2000). But for all shows that have taken this trend to narrative, this is beyond superior. Yes, I'm talking to you Glee (2008 - ), and to you Girls (2012 - ), your awkward main characters just aren't making the cut, they're boring, stuffy, inarticulate, and overall huge boner killers.

If you're in your teens (first of all, my condolences) second of all, you are probably having much more awful sex than what TV dictates you are. I mean in the pilot episode, main character Jenna (played brilliantly by Elizabeth Taylor doppelganger Ashley Rickards) has sex with a guy at her camp and his penis slips into the 'backdoor' accidentally. Let me repeat that: His penis slips into the backdoor...accidentally. Usually you wouldn't even find content like this on your worst run of the mill soap opera, but there it is on MTV. So if you're looking for your TV filth fix during Snooki & JWoww hours, hang in there and stick around for Awkward. It's the best show you're not watching. 

Below the Season 2 promo.

Edward and Bella make Vampire Babies for Tweens

I googled Twilight+sex and this is the picture they gave me. Lame.

OK seriously, what is it all about, Twi-hards? I'm actually asking. I'm very interested. Indulge my curiosity and explain why the sight of Edward Cullen with Summer Cranberry shade lipstick on, and massively styled unkempt hair wearing a woman's pea coat and emoting to the camera, breathing heavily, and snarling a lot has you hiccuping in your flowered lacy pink underpants?

Let me be honest, I watched the first Twilight (2008), in fact, I own it. I bought it when I was extremely hung over and feeling depressed along with an extra large order of chicken strips and a side of sour cream in my get-my-mind-off-things weekly package. It wasn't half bad. Sure, the whole time I was wondering who I would have cast instead of the horribly misguided choices Catherine Hardwicke and the nice people at Summit Entertainment and MTV Films made all across the board. But I really came into this whole thing as an objective novice, and now, no offense, I'm thinking about buying a gun. 

So I've been asking myself; am I missing something? Usually I can spot something sexual to write about in the most unlikely of places...example: 'The phallus symbol and castration theory of penguins in Happy Feet: the transgressive non-showing juxtaposed with the Anthony Weiner Scandal. Penguins and Anthony Weiner, you say impossible, I say nay! 

So I'm rather puzzled as to why the incendiary trifecta that is Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner have completely taken over and left everyone in the industry dead and bloody along the way. My only conclusion is that teenagers cannot nor should properly assess the labyrinthine craziness that is their raging hormones and exude it on the most unlikely subjects.

Teenagers have never been the end all be all judge in what is sexually appealing, especially teenage girls. They tend to judge based on a great deal of subconscious inhibitors which are understandable and forgivable, but I could not for the life of me understand exactly how they came to the conclusion that Edward Cullen was a fine piece of ass.

The characters themselves in each and every film grow more and more desperately anti-sexual to where it's laughable to consider that they even had appeal to begin with. There couldn't be less chemistry between those three if they were cartoons in a Tin Tin book. 

Therefore, can it be true? is anti-sexy sexy? Or maybe me being a grown up I require more adult man parts in my characters in order to be physically drawn to them. 

It's easy to see how much the executives at MTV Films desperately tried to make Twilight sexy and it blew up in their face, no pun intended. The aesthetic teetered between the stylized and the ridiculous. Considering before every take the costume designer on the film decided to shine Lautner up with an olive oil spritz, perk his nipples with ice cubes and took major scissors to his jeans.

And Cullen with his sultry lips and intimidating gaze, has about three lines in the whole film but who cares, because towards the end he dramatically rips off his shirt in slow motion like he's a parody fantasy sequence of himself in an SNL sketch. 

And let's not forget Bella with her nervous lip-biting, heavy exhaling, sad a-cups, and constant twitchy awkwardness. Was that ever sexy? I'm serious, even when we were teenagers, I don't think any dudes were jerking it to Debbie Downer. 

Here's what you should have done MTV Films: Henry Cavill as Cullen, Andrew Garfield as Jacob, and Felicity Jones as Bella. Boom! I just saved your franchise. 

But who cares if you're the critic's darling when your movie literally breaks the bank at the box office in every single unnecessary installment you shove down our throats every year? But this time it's different because we finally see them DOING IT! Really? Are you sure it's not going to be contrived and boring with stock sound effects of heavy panting and curtains and sheets flying about in a frenzy as the breeze gently blows the light from the candles just so we miss any graphic genitalia shots? It reminds me of that rule, I think it's from the show Friends, where if two actors are actually sleeping together in real life, then the sex on camera is going to be completely sans heat and intensity. Yeah, that was a given either way.
I think my main reason for being so unduly disappointed is that whilst watching through the first Twilight and half of the second one, I honestly expected it to turn into some kind of fetish classy soft core. It was so cheesy it seemed natural. Larry Flynt, if you're reading I implore you to do a version. I know how much you like to spoof what's hot in the now, and I don't think you'll find better material, who knows, R-Patz might be in to doing it himself. You could get Sasha Grey to do Bella, lure her in from early retirement. You really wouldn't have to re-do much, the film is already ripe for porn parody. I'd buy a ticket to that in a heartbeat. While I'll probably wait for Breaking Dawn parts I & II to come out on Netflix so I can enjoy them with a bottle of wine or six. 
It saddens me really, because the idea of Vampires is instantaneously sexual, it's a cinematic fetish, and to have it watered down and chewed up so clumsily and practically barfed out at an audience is really a shame. A little nuance and a better cast could have gone a long way.

Want to just skip the thing? Then read this hilarious Play-by-Play from Jezebel.

Play by Play of Breaking Dawn Part I