The Definitive Ranking of Every FriendsGiving on FRIENDS

SEASON #1: TOW Where Underdog Gets Away (9th Place)

After quite the adventure, the 6 finally sit down to the first of their many non-traditional thanksgivings.

Monica plans her first Thanksgiving in the city and it’s the first time she’s cooking for everyone, but everyone has different requests. While watching the parade, one of the floats tears off and the crew go out into the street to see it firsthand, unfortunately when they get back, they realize they’ve left the door to Monica’s apartment locked, and the oven is still on…dun dun dun. In the end the group sit down to Chandler's batch of food; grilled cheese sandwiches and Funions. 

Choice Quote: 
Ross: 'Wow you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian'
Susan: 'Well you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it' 

SEASON #2: TOW with the List (1st place)

'It's always been you, Rach'

 After the climactic kiss between Ross and Rachel, the guys decide to make a list of pro's and con's for both Rachel and Ross' current girlfriend Julie, while Monica tries out bizarre Thanksgiving recipes with something called 'mockolate' a synthetic chocolate substitute. Won't that end well. Alas, Rachel finds the list, and refuses to forgive Ross for it. 'Imagine the worst things that you think about yourself, and the one person whom you trust the most in the world not only thinks them too but actually uses them as an excuse not to be with me' ...Girl's got a point.

Choice Quote: Ross: 'Can't we just use a pen?' Chandler: 'No, Amish boy.'

SEASON #3: TOW with the Football (2nd Place)

'Dad said no more football and he was sick of our fighting so he took the trophy...threw it in the lake'

While prepping for Thanksgiving dinner and watching the game, the gang is inspired to have their own. Only one problem, Monica and Ross are no longer allowed to play because of how violently competitive they are, but they decide to compete anyway for a troll nailed to a two-by-four called the ‘Geller Cup’ while Joey and Chandler try to show off for a Scandinavian neighbor. 

Choice Quote: Monica: 'Let go of me I'm a tiny little woman!'

SEASON #4: TOW with Chandler in a Box (10th Place)

'He's doin' something thinking'

Chandler finally tells Joey that he kissed his girlfriend so in retribution he agrees to be in a wooden box that Monica has around the apartment harkening back to when Joey was stuck in the entertainment unit while his and Chandler’s apartment was being robbed. Once Kathy (the girlfriend) comes over to break up with Chandler, Joey has a change of heart and lets Chandler out to go and ‘get her’. Monica dates Richard's son and everyone is grossed out by it.

Choice quote: Monica: 'Fine, judge all you want, but: married a lesbian, left a man at the alter, married a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, live in a box!'

SEASON #5: TOW with all the Thanksgivings (3rd Place)

If you want to get a guy to admit he's in love with you, wear a turkey on your head. Thanks, Monica. 

As we well know Chandler has an aversion to Thanksgiving since he was 10 and his parents told him they were splitting up. So everyone delves back into old Thanksgiving memories. Phoebe recounts a past life experience during the Civil War, while the rest remember a high school one when Ross brought Chandler his then college roommate to their place and he met ‘fat’ Monica for the first time. The next Thanksgiving when Monica loses all that extra weight Rachel convinces Monica to take revenge on Chandler after he called her fat the previous year, but she accidentally ends up cutting his toe off. Somehow or another it leads to present-day Monica wearing a turkey on her head to apologize and it works!

Choice Quote: Chandler: That's why I have 9 toes? Because I called you fat?'

SEASON #6: TOW Where Ross Got High (4th Place)

'Mom, dad? Ross smoked pot in college.'

Ross and Monica’s parents join them for their Thanksgiving in the city and there are a few secrets they are about to learn. One  that Monica and Chandler are dating, and two – the reason that they don’t like Chandler is because they thought he was a stoner in college, when it was actually Ross. This leads to a wealth of secrets being revealed; ‘Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing, Monica did!’. In the meantime, Monica finally lets Rachel cook something, but when making the recipe she doesn’t notice that the pages are stuck together and ends up cooking the infamous English trifle dessert with a layer of minced meat, peas and onions.

Choice Quote: Judy Geller: 'That's a lot of information to get in 30 seconds...'

SEASON #7: TOW Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs (7th Place)

Lesson #187: Don't tell a guy you like him while people are stealing his car'

Phoebe’s been harboring a dog in her room now that she lives in Monica’s apartment and when everyone gathers for dinner the truth comes out. Chandler insists the dog must go because he’s allergic but then has to admit that he hates dogs to everyone’s dismay. Meanwhile, Rachel tries to gauge if her new smoking hot assistant, Tag is interested in her, and Ross tries to name all 50 States which is harder than it sounds. ('Maybe it's so hard because there AREN'T 50 states!?') As uneventful of a plot that it seems it’s actually pretty hilarious. 

Choice Quote:

Joey: 'If he doesn't like you, this is all just a moo point.

Rachel: 'A moo point?' 

Joey: 'Yeah it's like a cow's opinion...it just doesn't matter.'

SEASON #8: TOW with the Rumor (5th Place)

'I said it was typical. Rachel Green, queen Rachel, does whatever she wants in her own little Rachel land!'

Brad Pitt (Monica's 'thin friend' in high school) gets invited for Thanksgiving in which he admits that he used to hate Rachel (oh the irony) back in high school because she was popular and he was fat, ergo she made his life hell. He later goes on to say that they formed the ‘I hate Rachel Green club’ with none other than Ross. Uh oh.

Choice Quote: Ross: 'No need to point, she knows who Ross is' 

SEASON #9:TOW Rachel’s Other Sister (6th Place)

'If you two die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get Emily?'

Rachel's spoiled older sister Amy (Christina Applegate) shows up out of the blue saying that their dad kicked her out so she could spend some time with the one daughter he's actually proud of (Rachel). Meanwhile, Monica is especially obsessed with her new wedding plates and as tensions rise between the two sisters that culminate in a full on cat-fight, a plate is broken, and Monica almost faints. But that's not even as bad as it gets...

Choice Quote: 
Rachel: 'I'd like to invite Amy for Thanksgiving' 
Ross: You know, that's a great idea. It's like when the Pilgrims brought the Indians syphilis' 

SEASON #10: TOW With the Late Thanksgiving (8th Place)

Everyone convinced Monica to make Thanksgiving dinner although she's tired of hosting it, but she loves to compete and sees it as a competition between herself and her past-self (beats me). In the meantime Ross and Joey go to a Knick game knowing that they would be late, and Phoebe and Rachel enter little Emma into a child beauty pageant (does that not sound creepy as shit?) Making everyone late to Monica's Thanksgiving dinner which she was reluctant to do in the first place. Hilarity ensues. 

Choice quote: Ross: 'I got robbed, and they stole my pocket.'

Lessons We Learned From Vanderpump Rules

(L to R: Jax, Stassi, Katie, Lisa Banderpump (sans Jiggy), Tom, Scheana, and Kristen) 

Officially could be the worst show on television, in constant competition with Toddlers in Tiaras and Couples Therapy, Vanderpump Rules is really a terrible. Like we needed ANY spinoff of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and in its defense, at least the women on that show are older, somewhat more sophisticated, yes they are swimming in money while the rest of us are trudging by struggling inside a recession, but every season there's a whole new set of superficial drama that actually makes it quite fun to watch. But this show has absolutely no redeeming qualities. It follows quite frankly the most spoiled, entitled, materialistic empty shells of human beings without too many brain cells missing that work at Lisa Vanderpump's West Hollywood hotspot SUR.

Now, I've been to SUR on occasion, and taken a few friends there, the only person from the show that I've ever seen actually working there was Tom Sandoval from the cast and that was ONCE. I'm starting to think that these people don't actually work there at all. Or if they do, they are actors pretending to do so. And the funny thing is, Bravo doesn't ever try to cover up that non-reality part of this reality series. All of them have aspirations of being famous in show business, in the dumbest ways if I might add. Whether it's a recording contract to being auto tuned, to being 'not AS famous as Michael Jackson but close' for whatever the fuck, it's clear that these pretty yet dumb-as-hell people aren't there just to serve and pour wine. 

Stassi and Jax, the couple that for some reason are still together even though all they do is fight. 

In the last few episodes, surprise surprise, the drama stems from a dirty little secret coming out about one of the pretty boys cheating on one of the pretty girls, and the way it comes out is the most hilarious of moments I've ever seen on reality TV, or on TV for that matter. Stassi, resident bitch on the show, and Anna Torv doppleganger decides to take the 'staff' to Cabo for her birthday and while drunk and topless in a pool confronts her ex, the selfie-king, Jax about a lie he's been keeping secret regarding another male server cheating on his longtime girlfriend...also a server. Draaaaaaaama. And if this show teaches us anything is that ladies, if you are topless, you can get a man to confess to ANYTHING...seriously anything. If you tell him he's actually a woman, he'll say it back to you with conviction. 

Kristen, in her signature SUR server's dress posing for a promotional still, but when she's a hot mess (always) it's not that pretty. 

Another lesson we learn is that entitled twenty-somethings living in LA playing chicken in the pool while 'average Joe's' as Stassi puts it 'sit behind a desk all day' make really terrible life decisions. Instead of the girl who's being cheated on (Kristen) just walking away with a middle finger out, she decides to stay for the weekend get as drunk as possible, and eventually sleeping with said cheating prick (Tom). And the other girls in the sewing circle get pissed about that, saying she has no self respect. Really girls? Weren't you just on television with your tits hanging out? How much respect are you retaining? 

At this point it's beyond me. It's a hard watch. You might want to be close to the bathroom in case you have to puke the last remainder of dinner out dealing with knowing that these kind of people share breathing space with you, but twenty-somethings will be twenty-somethings...until they hit thirty and then they'll still be twenty somethings...because after all, this is LA and you can stay as young, stupid, and irresponsible forever, and not only will you be rewarded for it, you might even get your own show. Biggest life lesson there, kids. Put down the PhD manual and run over to the Louboutin store because no one cares about your mind when you've got 6-inch stiletto heels and a plunging neckline. Oy to the vey. 

Is Emma Watson's Character in The Bling Ring the New Suzanne Stone?

Emma Stone (left) portrays ring leader Alexis Neiers (right) in Sofia Coppola's The Bling Ring (2013)

So much has gone down in the past few days people. Wendy Davis stood in hot pink sneakers in a sea of Republican Texans without pee-breaks or trips to the vending machine for 13 hours to run out the clock so that most abortion clinics in the greater Texas area wouldn't be shut down. The supreme court overturned Prop 8 in California as well as ruled DOMA unconstitutional (while also overturning the Voting Acts Right) that last part being something people have totally seemed to ignore, but still huge strides made for freedom of sexuality and freedom of individual liberty. Meanwhile, Paula Deen is still a huge racist, and Kim Kardashian had Kanye's baby way too early, but not like dangerously early, and gave it literally the dumbest celebrity name, which is totally expected. So my brain is going through a lot of duress right now.

So let's talk about other stuff...all this news is overwhelming and I need a break. I've been watching previews for The Bling Ring (2013) and pre-ordered it on iTunes. It will be the first Sofia Coppola experience I had since I nearly shot myself after watching Marie Antoinette (2005) so obviously I'm hesitant. I've made sure I have a watching partner and the house is cleared of all poisonous and sharp objects. So I should be fine, but let's draw some kind of comparison, just for the fuck of it.

In the trailer there's a very interesting moment that I kept thinking of. Emma Watson plays the Alexis Neiers-based character we all know as the ring leader behind the infamous Hollywood Hills burglaries which shocked...absolutely no one and why the fuck did anyone care that Paris Hilton was now missing three pairs of Chanel sunglasses? I do believe there are still children starving in Sudan but whatever you want to make a film about Sofia is fine by me. Then it hit me, Sofia has always been somewhat of a failed satirist, and perhaps this will be her redemption.

both women love to watch themselves.

I couldn't stop thinking about another pitch perfect satire about a woman who strives to be famous by being infamous, clawing her way up a ladder and leaving others hurt and disturbed along the way; Suzanne Stone the ruthless murderess of Gus Van Sant's brilliant black comedy To Die For (1995). The character is played perfectly by a pre-botoxed Nicole Kidman, and there's a great scene when she's about to basically get away with concpiracy to commit murder and says to hoareds of press who surround her (just what she wants) that 'life, liberty....and all the rest of it still stand for something'. For some reason this immediately popped into my head when in the trailer we see Emma Watson as Nicki swarmed by a similar hoard of photographers desperately speaking into every microphone hiding her actual pleasure with the whole situation by huge Nicole Ritchie-type sunglasses that she's 'a huge believer in karma, and this is a learning experience for her' after which she takes a pause to think of something at least remotely sincere and ends it with 'I want to lead a country one day...for all I know'. The statement seems as misguided as Stone's but harkens that though acquitted in the actual courts, in the court of public opinion, these two broads are screwed because they wanted superficial things (namely fame of any sort, no matter how long the 15 minutes would last) and did really despicable and cruel things to achieve it, not understanding in the end that in their moment of redemption at least to the people that they had fought so hard to get on their side, they totally screwed it up because all in all, they are pretty soulless individuals. 

Both are extremely aware of their own sexual power.

Now, I am not comparing Gus Ban Sant to Sofia Coppola, I mean I haven't seen any pigs fly through my window, nor any of the horesmen of the apocalypse so that will not happen not now and not ever. But in terms of satire, I think if Sofia was directing Watson towards any extension of Alexis Neiers it was probably to play her as one of the greatest bitches in film history, or at least of the 90's and that of satire itself, and that is Suzanne Stone (Nicole Kidman). That is, if she's any kind of smart, and that's a reach. But let's hope that we see some more of Van Sant's themes in Coppola's teenage epic. It could work to her benefit, or land her right on her ass. Just like the rest of her films.

Trailers for both films below. 

It's Literally The End of the Word. Would You Have Sex With Me Now?

'Well it was just building to the big climax and you just shut it off'

So I'm taking a long and delayed flight back to Los Angeles from Philly today, I've got a smelly fat guy to my right and a rude flight attendant buzzing in my ear. There's little to do except watch Anderson Cooper be too sexy for the news, but relief washes over me in a profound way. I remember that I have a rented HD copy of the new film It's a Disaster (2012) which premiered last year at the LA Film Festival, which I somehow missed whilst there. It's a brilliant dark comedy about the end of the world and just how awkward that can make a couples brunch.
Tracey and Glenn (Julia Stiles and David Cross) are a new couple who have only been on a few dates set off on one of Tracey's traditional couples brunches, but not all is dandy in suburban white people land. One of the couples is getting divorced, one is has been cheating with opposite sides of the first couple and one has set a date to get married 6 years ago, so clearly there's some commitment issues going on there, oh and then just as the brunch is about to be ruined by all this news their neighbor shows up in a haz-mat suit to inform everyone that a bunch of dirty bombs were set off downtown and soon everyone will basically be dead, or so surmises the chemistry teacher in the group (America Ferrara).

'...what's a dirty bomb bro?'

With all of the palpable sexual tension that already exists, things start getting even more awkward and tenisony as everyone begins to cope with the fact that they probably won't make it out of this alive, and it's going to be a really slow and painful way out once they realize that the attack is not nuclear but biological.
The batshit crazy tattooed coke doing couple decide to fuck it, and literally. The feuding couple makes amends, and out of the two ho can't commit, one becomes paranoid trying to decide what the hell is out there like it even matters while his chemistry teacher girlfriend goes outside her mind and decides if she's going to die horrible she's going to be wasted as shit doing it on all the scotch in the house and her own homemade ecstasy.

Theatrical poster for the film, voted into the top 20 movie posters of 2012 by filmschoolrejects.com

So the party is going great. And what of our protagonists, the newly together Julia Stiles and David Cross, well turns out dear Tracey is the perpetually single one at these couples brunches because she always seems to attract crazy (it's like I'm looking in a mirror), but she thinks she's finally found the one in Glenn who comforts her and makes their last night on earth romantic...at least for a while. I don't want to give everything away but poor Tracey realizes that Glenn is just as balls to the wall insane as all the rest of them, and as the options become more and more limited everyone accepts their fate...almost. It's a hilarious sex-comedy slash totally and completely dark, like to the point of I cannot believe I am laughing at this. Which makes it seductively bizarre, and everyone in the cast delivers a great performance that is at once punchy, touching, and right on target. It's a great film, I'm giving it my full recommendation.

Trailer below.