Brad and Gwyneth. Yeah. this was a big deal back in the 90's. That would have been some spectacular looking spawn, but now we have Apple and Moses on one side, and an entire soccer team on the other side. I love how they even coordinated their hairstyles.
Johnny Depp and Kate Moss. A match made in cocaine and eating disorders.
Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson. No...just no. Creepy as fuck.
Cameron Diaz and Jared Leto. Although not so bright himself I feel like if he mixed his DNA with Cameron's that would result in one ridiculously stupid child.
Elizabeth Moss and Fred Armisen. One of the two Mad Women to bag an SNL repertory player, unfortunately she's psychotic and a friend of Xenu, no wonder the Portlandia co-creator ran screaming after a short-lived 3 month marriage.
January Jones and Jason Sudeikis. The adorable SNL veteran met Stepford Wife in training January Jones when she hosted the show, later going down in history as one of the shows worst episodes ever. This was the biggest yawn couple ever.
Jennifer Lopez and P. Diddy. America's sweethearts?
Courtney Cox and Michael Keaton. Court has always made questionable love decisions, I mean she WAS married to David Arquette for like a decade but even this one is a bit bizzare, and not just because of the 12 year age-gap.
Not to blow my own horn or anything, but I do know quite a bit about fashion, so please trust that I know what I'm talking about here and stop listening to Kelly Osbourne. There were some serious winners and losers, and for me, there are a lot of things people got wrong. Here are my two cents. And as always, please take them as the holy gospel.
Well start with the BEST:
Aubrey Plaza in Marios Schwab. Yes, this is on my BEST DRESSED list, in fact it tops it. For all you haters out there, not only is Aubrey a quirky girl, but this dress is unique and mature and a huge fashion risk. I admire a risk taker, though the accessories are weird I'll give you that. It reminds me of that black and lace Alexander McQueen number Gwyneth Paltrow wore to the Oscars in 2000. Only difference is she couldn't even pull off a McQueen with the perfect body she has, but Aubrey with this pseudo-goth look is showing a grown up side of her querk. Bravo lady, I stand with you.
Sarah Hyland in Carolina Herrera. Talk about all grown up. Ironically Carolina Herrera is usually the go-to designer for Hyand's co-star on Modern Family (Sofia Vergara) but with the dark lipstick and the black lace, she's channeling a somewhat Deco darker side of the designer that Sophia would never dare to venture. Good job girlfriend.
Kerry Washington in Marchesa. Marchesa looks wonderful on everybody. She's kind of like the safety net of fashion on the red carpet. I love Scandal and I love Kerry Washington on it. I mean it's like clothes were basically sewn unto her. She usually looks fabulous in anything, and though a bit too floral, she pulls this one off. She looks radiant.
Linda Cardellini in Donna Karan. It's hard to forget Sarah Marshall in this. This fucia Donna Karan is above and beyond and yet it's subtle. It reminds me of that crazy Marchesa gown that Vera Farmiga wore to the Oscars when Up in the Air (2009) was nominated but a much more grown up, aesthetically complex and pleasing to the eye.
Taylor Schilling in Thakoon. I've personally never heard of this designer but the empire waste, high front slit, and simplicity of the gown all work very well accented by minimalist gold jewelery. I'll say it again, blondes look great in white. What more is there?
Kaley Cuoco in Vera Wang. Vera Wang usually does not do such complex numbers nor have I ever seen her do boning for a corset but this beet red gown is just so classy without being burlesque or desperate for attention, I have to give her major props. I love that she decided to minimalize the accessories as well because the dress stands perfectly on its own.
Sofia Vergara in Vera Wang. I tire of red dresses that match the red carpet and am way tired of mermaid dresses as well, not to mention I don't particularly like Sofia Vergara, but she ends up on my best dressed lists all the time...like all of them. You know why? Because she knows what looks good on her, has a body that won't quit, and makes it work bitches.
Zooey Deschanel in J. Mendel. Yay! J. Mendel made it to the red carpet! Yay! Zooey isn't wearing poofy tutu dresses anymore! Yay! She looks mature and amazing in a silvery light blue silk gown! Yay! She looks like the grown up woman that she is! Yay! The world is a better place.
Now on to the fun stuff...it's time for the hideous monstrosities that made my eyes water and my belly ache with disappointment and nausea. Yes, it's time for the WORST.
Lena Dunham in Prada. Did you really think I would ignore this or not start there. What the fuck is this thing? It looks like a giant version of something in Zooey's closet from 5 years ago. Prada made this? Are you serious? And then they put it on slouchy Lena Dunham? Who's running the ship over there because it's about to hit some serious rocks. It looks like a table-cloth from the 50's. It's unflattering. It's beyond poorly tailored. It hurts me to even keep going on about it. So I'm stopping.
Heidi Klum in Versace. Heidi, you're a professional model, you're the executive producer of Project Runway. What the fuck are you thinking? You look like a wardrobe reject from Luc Besson's The Fifth Element (1997), This metallic, sequined, blood-red, fake-collared gown looks like it belongs in one of the Underworld sequels.
Amanda Peet in Erdem. Oh dear god what happened here? Did two dress cousins have the worst sex ever and give birth to a retarded dress that Amanda Peet totally thought was chic under the influence of ambien and vodka. There's no logic to this dress, so why try to find logic in her reason for Amanda giving herself the worst make-under I've ever seen, on purpose!
Zosia Mamet in Honor. This could be the worst thing I've ever laid eyes on. Grey and pink? Seriously? And what's with the leather mini-bra just taped on to the middle? This dress is too much of a mess for me to even know where to begin. It's a crime against humanity. But then again, so is her show.
Julianne Hough in Jenny Packham. A see-through dress that makes you look like you're wearing your granny panties on laundry day coupled with an off-the-shoulder look? Epic fail.
Claire Danes in Armani. This might be the best of the worst. It's just the wrong dress. On someone as fair-skinned as her, it looks ridiculous, also it looks bulky and it's way too low cut. I'm not to excited about the trimming either. Bad choice, but not the worst choice.
Anna Faris in Monique Lhuillier. Usually one of my favorite designers, but this dress has gone ape shit. It's far too prom night, and the mustard yellow color looks like something that glows under a black light. Coupled with retro Bettie Page bangs and a far too high of a slit, this was a disaster. My eyes hurt.
Betsey Brandt in what might have been the worst look of the night. I have no idea who designed this dress, quite frankly I'm convinced she picked it up at a Ross on the way to the awards because it is beyond hideous. The color washes her out, it's far from being age appropriate and makes her look like a stepford wife. Also, what the hell is up with the bouffant hairdo? It's just a mess all the way around.
Lena Headley in Alessandra Rich. This bitch keeps making my Worst dressed list all the time, keep at it girl, you're not getting any better. And she's an intelligent, refined woman, what is she thinking every time her stylist gives her advice? A high-slit see-through dress with nothing but what looks like black spanx to cover up your nether-regions? And white shoes? You look like you're dressing up as a dominatrix to a Halloween party thrown by Frat boys.
Also before we end this, I would just like to express my disdain that not one celebrity rocked a Zuhair Murad this season. He's the hottest designer on the planet right now, and being dressed by him is an honor. I can't believe it's been since J-Lo at last years Oscars that we've seen him on the red carpet. No fair.
If you saw the Emmy's last night, I hope you had a good nap. Everything was predictable and drab and the 'meat parade' wasn't even interesting fashion wise. So there was really one award that I gave two fucks about, and deep in my heart I knew that it would never come to pass that Benedict Cumberbatch win for Best Actor in a Mini-Series for the Sherlock episode; A Scandal in Belgravia because the Emmy's never rewards serious talent. I mean think about it, go ahead give me a cantankerous example. I'm waiting with affixed anticipation.
Sherlock meets Irene for the first time.
Like we already didn't know that Breaking Bad would sweep and Damian Lewis and Claire Danes were going to win it for Homeland YET AGAIN. Why don't you just replay old Emmy tapes ABC, so we don't have to get all worked up over nothing every year. But this year, I thought things might be different. From across the pond we had a representative from probably the best show in the BBC cannon ever (yes, better than Downton Abbey) and for you stupid bitches out there, Downton Abbey doesn't even count because it's in the ITV cannon. Booyah! I'm talking, of course, about the brilliant conceived and masterfully written modernization of the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle classics of Sherlock Holmes, appropriately titled Sherlock and staring as its titular character, perhaps one of the most enigmatic, layered, intelligent, not to mention sexy as sex having sex with sex actor, Benedict Cumberbatch.
'This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!' - Mycroft Holmes
That's not why I'm upset. The Emmy's don't really give a shit about the Brits too much unless you're Damien Lewis or Judi Dench, but if you've ever watched Sherlock, particularly A Scandal in Belgravia, you'll feel my pain. Based on 'A Scandal in Bohemia' it is the only love story in the Conan Doyle cannon where Sherlock is threatened by someone who he is not only weakened by in his sexual attraction to her, but is also threatened by her wit and imagination. The character I'm speaking about is of course Irene Adler. Sherlock co-creator Mark Gatiss immediately decided that for their version, Irene would be a dominatrix. Why? Search me, but they made it work brilliantly.
Sherlock is essentially an asexual character. Cumberbatch even talks about the process of losing a few stones even though he didn't have to so that Sherlock would be perceived as a man who indulges in no usual human pleasures; food, sex, Toddler's in Tiaras, etc.
Even as a child, 'A Scandal in Bohemia' was always my favorite, not because it's a love story in a cannon of horror and thriller, but it allowed me to see Sherlock as sexually vulnerable and I guess human for the first time, and the tension Conan Doyle creates between the two is enough for you to hit puberty in front of the book right there and then.
From Irene's website which offers 'recreational scolding'
Lara Pulver plays the dominatrix Irene, who informs basically the Royal Family that she has compromising photographs of a member of the Royal Family 'a young female person' gee I wonder who could it be...(It's either Beatrice or Eugenie for you idiots out there). Therefore they snap into action, calling an old friend; Mycroft Holmes (Gatiss) who in turn calls on his talents of his younger brother Sherlock and his partner Dr. John Watson to get the photographs back. What ensues is a powerplay fit only for a dominatrix and her client and the two do fall into some kind of weird British love, that is never stated but totally understood and acknowledged, even though they seem to hate each other throughout, so if Sherlock ever had sex, I'm sure it was with words, and he got off quite a few times.
the classiest dominatrix that side of the pond. Sherlock's intellectual and problem-solving equal.
Now, on to the real bullshit sandwich I have to swallow. The Costner; the Cous-Cous; KC and the Sunshine band, whatever. He has a track record for usurping awards that clearly don't belong to him. Um do we all remember the Dances With Wolves (1990) fiasco where it beat out Goodfellas (1990) in every single category? Because I'm still healing from those wounds and I was six at the time. His show; Hatfields and McCoys is utterly boring. It's streaming on Netflix, I'm a history buff, I thought I'd give it a shot, turned it off or fell asleep within 15 minutes. I can't remember exactly which, all I know is I wanted it gone. Why the fuuuuuuuuuuuck are we still giving him awards? He has a line of Oscars in his garage so that they reflect light and he can see if a car is coming up behind him. He has enough golden calves if you know what I mean, and no I'm not getting all religious on your ass. But if there's not some kind of acknowledgment that this was a bad decision, I might get a bit religious and pray for biblical plagues to rain down on Los Angeles to set them straight. Ok I'm done for now. Please watch A Scandal in Belgravia if you haven't yet. It's free, when you do, you'll agree with me, of that I have no question.
Ahhh the iconic moon man. Or as I like to call it; World's dumbest conception of an award statue
Let's be honest, who watches the VMA's anymore? I mean really. When was the last time you watched The Peoples Choice Awards, or the Teen Choice Awards, or The Tony's, or the SAG Awards...I could keep going. We all know they peaked with Britney writhing around on stage with a ten foot snake draped around her shoulders. Now, that was a moment of TV history. But now that Gaga, Nikki Minaj, and Miley Cyrus have taken over, might as well switch over to and watch Breaking Bad like a damn adult. You've done it, you've outgrown the VMA's and realized that statues of little moonmen and over-the-top scenery just isn't cutting it for you these days. I mean remember when like Nirvana played the VMA's, or Nine Inch Nails, or when Lil' Kim showed up with a half suit and a purple pasty over one of her boobs? Those were moments. I noticed them starting to waver after Gaga dangled half naked from a crystal chandelier with blood dripping down her face. Not all that interesting really.
The good ol' days.
Also, most of the time, when you're watching them, (especially if you're over 25) you know, don't watch them. But if you are, you are constantly asking yourself the same question 'who the fuck is this?' Some journalist in all of his wisdom once called the award show 'The Oscars for Youth'. You pigfucker. Youth still watch the Oscars thank you very much, and at least we all know who's nominated, and the spectacle is somewhat interesting, and the hosts are usually good (discounting Jon Stewart, he was a bit blah when he hosted, as was Seth MacFarlane). But give me Billy Crystal and his 'Oscar Opening Theme' any day over this over-hyped shitshow. Nothing faintly shocking has happened on that show since drunkface Kanye snatched the moonman from American Sweetheart Taylor Swift. I mean that was hiiiiiilarious. And also made the show quasi-watcheable.
Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus perform summer's biggest rape anthem, 'Blurred Lines'....gross.
No one wants to see Miley and Robin Thicke duet Blurred Lines. Any grown up with half a brain can enjoy the fun beat whilst wondering to him or herself how people are so not catching on to the misogyny and basically rapey lyrics this fun tune encapsulates. And we haven't wanted to see Katy Perry perform since well ever, and she's the one that always wins VMA's. If that tells you anything right there, it's that we shouldn't watch them. Because I don't want to live in a world where Katy Perry is successful. Just read her rider. Seriously read it. I heard that Bruno Mars performed 'Gorilla' and that's actually my favorite song of his new album so that I would have liked to see, but I watched the so called N Sync reunion, and it was barely even a thing. I mean it looks like those guys were just happy to be on stage again while they didn't even have a spotlight on them. It was...sad.
Nsync reunites. But mostly Justin does a medley of count this, 7 of his songs, so basically they were like stage filler, or his back up dancers how ever you want to see it.
So JT picked up most of the awards (shocker), but Bruno Mars walked away with a couple, and Janelle Monae finally got a moon man, and yet this is all still very underwhelming. I mean I'm yawning as I'm writing this, so basically there you have it. If you're over 25 shame on you for watching, and if you're under 25....shame on you for watching. You shouldn't be watching anything that mentions One Direction, unless you're someone's retarded cousin. Was that too harsh?
Below, some of MY favorite moments from years past to make myself feel better.
Emma Stone (left) portrays ring leader Alexis Neiers (right) in Sofia Coppola's The Bling Ring (2013)
So much has gone down in the past few days people. Wendy Davis stood in hot pink sneakers in a sea of Republican Texans without pee-breaks or trips to the vending machine for 13 hours to run out the clock so that most abortion clinics in the greater Texas area wouldn't be shut down. The supreme court overturned Prop 8 in California as well as ruled DOMA unconstitutional (while also overturning the Voting Acts Right) that last part being something people have totally seemed to ignore, but still huge strides made for freedom of sexuality and freedom of individual liberty. Meanwhile, Paula Deen is still a huge racist, and Kim Kardashian had Kanye's baby way too early, but not like dangerously early, and gave it literally the dumbest celebrity name, which is totally expected. So my brain is going through a lot of duress right now.
So let's talk about other stuff...all this news is overwhelming and I need a break. I've been watching previews for The Bling Ring (2013) and pre-ordered it on iTunes. It will be the first Sofia Coppola experience I had since I nearly shot myself after watching Marie Antoinette (2005) so obviously I'm hesitant. I've made sure I have a watching partner and the house is cleared of all poisonous and sharp objects. So I should be fine, but let's draw some kind of comparison, just for the fuck of it.
In the trailer there's a very interesting moment that I kept thinking of. Emma Watson plays the Alexis Neiers-based character we all know as the ring leader behind the infamous Hollywood Hills burglaries which shocked...absolutely no one and why the fuck did anyone care that Paris Hilton was now missing three pairs of Chanel sunglasses? I do believe there are still children starving in Sudan but whatever you want to make a film about Sofia is fine by me. Then it hit me, Sofia has always been somewhat of a failed satirist, and perhaps this will be her redemption.
both women love to watch themselves.
I couldn't stop thinking about another pitch perfect satire about a woman who strives to be famous by being infamous, clawing her way up a ladder and leaving others hurt and disturbed along the way; Suzanne Stone the ruthless murderess of Gus Van Sant's brilliant black comedy To Die For (1995). The character is played perfectly by a pre-botoxed Nicole Kidman, and there's a great scene when she's about to basically get away with concpiracy to commit murder and says to hoareds of press who surround her (just what she wants) that 'life, liberty....and all the rest of it still stand for something'. For some reason this immediately popped into my head when in the trailer we see Emma Watson as Nicki swarmed by a similar hoard of photographers desperately speaking into every microphone hiding her actual pleasure with the whole situation by huge Nicole Ritchie-type sunglasses that she's 'a huge believer in karma, and this is a learning experience for her' after which she takes a pause to think of something at least remotely sincere and ends it with 'I want to lead a country one day...for all I know'. The statement seems as misguided as Stone's but harkens that though acquitted in the actual courts, in the court of public opinion, these two broads are screwed because they wanted superficial things (namely fame of any sort, no matter how long the 15 minutes would last) and did really despicable and cruel things to achieve it, not understanding in the end that in their moment of redemption at least to the people that they had fought so hard to get on their side, they totally screwed it up because all in all, they are pretty soulless individuals.
Both are extremely aware of their own sexual power.
Now, I am not comparing Gus Ban Sant to Sofia Coppola, I mean I haven't seen any pigs fly through my window, nor any of the horesmen of the apocalypse so that will not happen not now and not ever. But in terms of satire, I think if Sofia was directing Watson towards any extension of Alexis Neiers it was probably to play her as one of the greatest bitches in film history, or at least of the 90's and that of satire itself, and that is Suzanne Stone (Nicole Kidman). That is, if she's any kind of smart, and that's a reach. But let's hope that we see some more of Van Sant's themes in Coppola's teenage epic. It could work to her benefit, or land her right on her ass. Just like the rest of her films.
