Oscar Recap: Seth MacFarlane is a Huge Mysoginist, Les Mis is Delusional in How Good It Thinks It Is, and Jennifer Lawrence is Adorbs

And everyone say 'most awkward photo-op ever!'

Let's face it people, this Oscar ceremony was off. And if I didn't have a few beers in me, I would have noticed that better, but now in hindsight, I've become aware that yeah, not the best by a long shot. First of all, predictable as fuck! Was there any upset I mean seriouslaaaaay. Except for maybe Ang Lee, everything else was like 'called it!'.

But let's get to the bizarre bullcrap. What was with that tribute to movie musicals over the past 10 years...all 3 of them, starting with Chicago (2002) the producers of which coincidentally produced you guessed it, this years' Oscars. Fancy that! And John Travolta introducing that? Who let him into the party. And if he's the person we associate most with musicals, then I feel sorry for us. I mean Elizabeth Berkeley has more jazz hands cred than him. 

Thanks for reminding us that Russell Crowe sings sometimes.

 Now, let's get to the woman we all love to hate, no not Kristen Stewart who hobbled her sorry dishevled ass around the stage like a confused mental patient on her first day out, but weepy faux-emotional professional it-girl Anne Hathaway who whispered 'it came true' to her Oscar like she had done a voodoo ceremony on it earlier and it paid off. Then she went on some tangent about all the Fantine's in the world and some other such bullshit, like those are serious problems, or are problems that even exist. Take your stupid satin pink prom dress and get the fuck off the stage horseface. 

Moving on. Seth MacFarlane was 'toned down' but still managed to come off as kind of a prick. Not only did the boobs song stank of rampant misogyny, but he made many quips throughout his hosting gig that hinted at the fact that women aren't exactly his favorite species. And bringing out Ted? seriously? I mean can't we all just peacefully forget that that happened? Why ya gotta rub our noses into it's stinky crotch? 

One of the few sketches I actually enjoyed. The other was the recreation of Flight (2012) with sock puppets.

The in-memorium segment though accented by BABS was somewhat underwhelming, I mean usually my eyes are welling up as I look up at the TV and think; 'I don't know any of these fucking people'. And then somewhat Media obsessed First Lady (um, wha?) shows up to present Best Picture honors to Ben Affleck. I'm sorry, but doesn't Michelle Obama have other shit to do aside from broadcasting from the Oval Office to a bunch of pretentious douche-bags and doing mom dances with Jimmy Fallon? 

Just the best thing ever, embarrassing? sure, memorable? as hell! Either way who gives a shit, you won an Oscar!

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is it was just weird. It was like that awkward sex that you only realize is awkward in the middle of it, but you're so close to coming you just keep at it, and try to imagine you're in your happy place picking daisies with the Dixie Chicks in a meadow full of baby deer. The one glorious moment was J-Law's fall. I mean that was a serious fall, she didn't even go down gracefully it was basically eating curb for her, and she was just so adorbs about the whole thing, that we are all head over heels in love with her right now. SNL performance forgiven J-Law, you rule.

Sexiest Films of 2012? (Academy Edition)

Chris Pratt and Joel Edgerton in Zero Dark Thirty (2012)

Alright rabbits, the academy award noms are soon to come in and it's going to be a nail biter to the bitter end. Just kidding, like we don't know exactly who's going to get nominated and who's not. Let's review the big five and then the wild card. Lincoln (Steven Spielberg), Les Miserables (Tom Hooper), Zero Dark Thirty (Katherine Bigelow), Silver Linings Playbook (David O. Russell) and Django Unchained (Quinten Tarantino), wild cards include Hyde Park on the Hudson (Roger Mitchell), Argo (Ben Affleck), and PT Anderson intellectual masturbation cornucopia The Master. Now, sans a few surprises and far-fetched nominations like Wes Anderson for Best Original Screenplay, we know that most of the nods are going to be for those five mainly. Now, we all know that the Oscars have no merit, are blindingly political, and as George C. Scott famously called them 'a meat parade', so let's quit with the bullshit and not get upset when the good ones get snubbed (like I'm sure Sarah Polley isn't going to get on any category list because she's been black balled by the industry even though she totally deserves at least a nomination, just saying) anyway! 

So let's just look at this meat parade just like we do every year, and examine who has the sexiest over all feel. We'll rate them on a scale based on three criteria; overall ensemble cast, sexual content and execution, and sex-appeal of the director. Now, we can just throw Lincoln right the fuck out, unless you're one of those sicko's that gets off on that kind of thing, meaning there was a time you also found Sally Field to be attractive, and well you just make me want to barf right here and now sir. Les Mis, I'm going to go ahead and discard as well, no matter how much I adore Hugh Jackman and keep fighting with myself as to whether or not he's gay which is half the fun of watching him in anything, but Anne Hathaway kills the sexy factor in any film and she does it every single time from Rachel Getting Married (2008) to The Dark Knight Rises (2012). Also, her upskirt shot was not for the sake of good old fashioned raunchy sex-for-sex-sake and made it holy undesirable and desperate for attention/nomination.

J-Law and B-Coo in Silver Linings Playbook (2012).

Silver Linings has a good chance at winning the Fuck-Oscar this year. With a cast that consists of Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence you've pretty much hit the fucking sexy as shit lottery. Also, I don't know why (of course I do, I'm kidding) but I've always found David O. to be really appealing, like I'd marry him for money and have some wicked kinky sex with him before I divorced him and took everything of value because he yelled and screamed too much and came really close to punching me...I'm getting way sidetracked. 

Dicaprio basically recycles his look from Gangs of New York (2002) for Django Unchained (2012)

So that leaves Django and Zero Dark Thirty. If you know me, you know how much unabashed love I have for Tarantino, and also can realize that that last comment was soaked in sarcasm. Even though Quinten makes any straight girl question her sexuality and consider lesbianism more seriously than she ever has before, having the coolest man in cooltown Jamie Foxx coupled with the Romeo/Jack Dawson does earn you some points. But surprise surprise, I'm giving it to Zero Dark Thirty this year. Katherine Bigelow is the hottest 60 year old this side of 60, and puts most 20-something's to shame, and Jessica Chastain is unbelievable. I mean she's seriously ridiculously beautiful, almost too much for her own good, and who doesn't have a red-head fetish? Also, let's take a look at the supporting players shall we? Chris Pratt, Mark Strong, Kyle Chandler, Joel Edgerton, not to mention my personal favorite and father of my future children I don't give a shit what you think; Edgar Ramirez. Just saying his name out loud makes my mouth fill up with saliva. I want to eat him. I would eat him, I would eat his hair, and lick his eye balls. That's what he does to me, and I know he's in the film for like 15 minutes, totally doesn't matter. 

Just for fun...Edgar!

So get up here, and accept your sex oscar Katherine, Jessica, and the rest of you. You didn't think we'd all get excited in our pants about the Bin Laden film did ya? Well, if you're perverted like me, you find it in everything. 

Cheers.

How Big of a Let Down is Anne Hathaway's Catwoman Suit?

I had to turn off the Animal Planet before I completely lost my shit on how cute newborn golden retriever puppies were and channel surfed until I came upon Current TV who was showing arguably the best Batman film that exists, Tim Burton's second in the franchise, Batman Returns (1992) with Michael Keaton as the titular character, Danny DeVito as the most complex and three-dimentional comic book inspired villain, Penguin, and the unforgettable Michelle Pfeiffer as the sexual icon Selina Kyle/Catwoman.

Now, strictly aesthetically speaking, because the Nolan films are a mainstream reboot of an otherwise cult horror tradition, I was expecting Anne Hathaway's Catwoman get-up to blow apart every incarnation that came before it. I thought it would be S&M on meth, with lots of pad locks, zippers, and leather embellishments. I thought it would be avant-garde and modern, yet harkened to a campy 50's style, exaggerated and fabulous. I wanted to get a headache from the bling, jealous from the cleavage, and finally enjoy Anne Hathaway, but how much was I disappointed when I remembered just how boring it's actually going to be? 

It looks like a wet suit you wear to go surfing with a fanny pack around it and cheap costume store kitty ears that set you back 5.99$ on Halloween. What a major fake orgasm, or more appropriately build up to an orgasm that never happens, either way, it's trag-fest. 

With all do respect to Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer was the greatest Catwoman, and with all do respect to Michelle Pfeiffer, her performance would have been nil without that suit. It is an instance where you have to really look the part to embody it, and when they put her in those Bettie Paige stilettos, and pleather body stocking that literally had to be sewn unto her, it was a definitive moment in our pop-culture history. 

'Ahhh, there's my favorite pussy' -The Penguin

This goes without saying that Tim Burton has always been an aesthetic genius, and for a franchise like Batman, aesthetics are of immeasurable importance, you can't just throw someone into a cheap plastic costume and headband ears. Catwoman might be the most outwardly sexual superhero that was ever created by the minds of Marvel comics, and she's written to be deliberately over-the-top in her prowess (no pun intended). With the release date quickly approaching and anticipation brewing all over the place, it looks to me like The Dark Knight Rises (2012) dropped the ball on Catwoman.
I'm speaking strictly visually of course, but I don't think you have to sacrifice spectacle for the sake of character study. Perhaps everyone's playing it safe after the hyper-sexualized overtly ridiculous leather-clad Halle Berry version of Catwoman tanked like a fat kid in the deep end, but I for one am pretty disappointed that they've turned everyone's favorite horny femme fatale into a bad girl even grandma can get on board with.