Real Housewives of Officially the Dumbest State in the Union

Left to right: Jacqueline (basically the sweet nice one who just happens to be an awful parent), Teresa Guidice (everyone's new favorite girl we love to hate) Caroline (The mother hen 'we are family' should be tattooed on her face) Kathy (the crazy hot and at times smart new edition from last season who loves belly dancing) and Melissa Gorga (the youngest and prettiest of the bunch who has been in Teresa's cross hairs for a while now)

 Put on your bling and spray tan the shit out of yourself because Real Housewives of New Jersey is back bitches, and this time 'It's all about family'...if you don't get the joke, it's just something that the cast constantly says verbatim in every single episode. Like: 'Mommy, I want to go to the bathroom' response: 'It's all about family.' 

This installment is in my opinion the best of the whole franchise. ...of Atlanta was just a wee bit obnoxious and unrelatable (Thanks for nothing, Kim and NeNe), ...of Orange County was and still is rather boring, ...of Beverly Hills made me want to put panty hose over my head and sit with an assault rifle at a tower, and yes it's a very close second best, ...of New York I just never got into, nor into any of the millions of spin offs so fuck it altogether. ...of DC was actually quite interesting but they cut it loose after housewife Michaele Salahi and scumbag hubbie Tareq infamously crashed the White House State Dinner back in '09. Now, even that's too low for Bravo standards. Don't fuck with Obama, Andy Cohen. 

So now we're back to the Garden State which the media milks like the fattest cow in the pasture with shows like Jersey Couture, Jerseylicious, and of course, my personal fave Jersey Shore. And Bravo is staying on the tattooed, fake tanned, skanky, and sweaty dumb-as-fuck bandwagon if it  kills them. 

No new characters since the uberbitch Danielle Staub left the show (thank god) and was replaced with new token uberbitch's Teresa's sister-in-law Melissa and Teresa's cousin Kathy. So basically, more MILF's. 

In the season premiere Teresa explains to her former allies why exactly she's been such a cunt and betrayed all of them for attention. She actually looks sincere in this photo, no?

Teresa's had a pretty hard last season - she filed for bankruptcy, her husband was cheating on her (what? guys totally jacked up on steroids with little to say other thank 'fuck off' to their 9 year old kids are cheaters too? why I never), and he was arrested for drunk driving. So basically living up to the Jersey reputation which enrages regular New-Jersian's even more, but she's come out of it a few buckets of botox later emerging in the premiere of the 4th season last week looking fantastic, whory, and a bit more mellow. I'm sure her doc doubled her xanax dosage. 

Teresa's husband, Joe Guidice or as she refers to him 'Juicy Joe' (no joke) doing what he does best...weightlifting.

More than anything, she's threatened by the meteoric rise of unlikely lovable character Melissa who is a mommy of three and still in her 20's. She looks like the poor-man's version of J-Lo/Eva Longoria which is ironic considering she's probably richer than the two of them combined. As like the rest of them classy broads in Jersey her hair and make-up are well off the Richter scale and every day she manages to look like a high end prostitute that a governor or major athlete gets busted with. 

With the premiere, it's looking like the friction between aging hag Teresa and hottest-mom-in-Jersey Melissa will be the focal point as they fight it out for the soul of Joe Gorga (Melissa's juicehead hubby and Teresa's juicehead brother). So when you think about it, it's very A Streetcar Named Desire, except with morons. Teresa is Blanche, Melissa is Stella, and Joe is Stanley with (if you can imagine) even more muscles and more of an oaf. 

Anyway, Season 4 promises all that sun-burnt drama served in marinara sauce on a plate of diamonds, with a luscious side-dish of hair extensions and an extra helping of shameless self-promotion. Dig in America. Third episode runs this Sunday, May 6th. Please watch it and then feel vengeful hate for me because I recommended it to you.

Below is Melissa's 'first single' called 'On Display' (of course it is) don't expect too much. It's actually kinda funny I wish I could show you how it first ran on Bravo last season when she performed it 'live' because it was so auto tuned it was ridiculous.

And here is the season 4 promo. It should just be subtitled 'Lots of Drama happens for no particular reason'

Team Meatballs May be DTF, But I Wouldn't.

The latest episode of television's greatest guilty pleasure Jersey Shore was titled 'Meatball Mashup' when it should have been called 'Vagina Overload'. Out of all of the difficult to watch episodes, it was indeed the most cringe-worthy. 

First of all, Team Meatballs is a self-coined terms by Deena Cortese and Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi because they're Italian, short, and juicy (i'm guessing). And if you don't by now know what DTF stands for then you should get off of your penny-farthing bicycle, wax off your handle-bar mustache, and start paying attention. If glorified senior citizen Cloris Leachman uses it, there's no excuse. 

Anyway, in the latest greasy bronzed adventure for the Shore crew, they head off to the scenic beaches of Riccioni in the Rimini province of Italy to find people to rub up against, and when they can't, they opt for each other, and not for underwear. Let me put it this way, when bona fide sexpot cast member J-Woww is playing mom, then you know the situation (no pun intended) is not a good one. 

Deena and Snooki decided to get shit-faced and drink enough shots to put down a small farm animal (situation normal) but then the scene turns really ugly (and graphic) when the two of them against their roommates' advice decided to take their sloshed sloppy asses sans underwear to the club for a blurry fuck-it-all night out. 

They somehow stumble home in time to get changed for the evening's festivities and show up at the club ready to scare everyone there into a vow of celibacy. It's a wonder how the two are even standing but manage to gyrate up against a glass wall (and seriously Riccioni, if you know the meatballs are coming to town take down all glass walls) and press their lady parts against it. At this point all of us are thanking god for MTV's little Jersey Shore logos that pop up in front of the girls when they accidentally flash their naughty bits, which was literally every few seconds this episode. Now, I thought this was all pretty hilarious at first a couple years ago, but now it's getting old, and just a little too gross. I can't handle all that vagina. It reminded me of that time during 2007 when nipple slips were out and crotch shots were in. Everyone from Lindsey Lohan to Britney Spears to crotch shot aficionado Paris Hilton were plastering  their vag's all over the pages of The Inquirer and Star Magazine. I again find myself thinking what I did 4 years back; 'I did not sign up to be a gynecologist', and seriously ladies, enough is enough. Underwear will always be chic. There are so many options, lace, satin, silk, thongs, bikini cuts, flowers, pink cotton, anything and everything under the sun. It's a beautiful thing. 

To sum up, in the immortal and wise words of J-Woww on that fateful night: 'dude, your vagina is out. you're giving everyone a free show, put it away'. Very simple.