So the production of Bohemian Rhapsody is well under way with director Bryan Singer who debuted with The Usual Suspects back in the 90's and went on to make no more good movies, and of class action lawsuit for having sex with underaged boys at his Hollywood mansion fame. Just so you know, this production went through like 18 casting changes and I don't even know how many fall outs over creative differences. Apparently the gramps with amps, leftovers of Queen; Brian May and drummer Roger Taylor want to make it more about the band than a Fred bio-pic. Let's be real, people only liked or in my case loved Queen because of Fred Mercury. He was the creative glue that gifted us with truly one of the most amazing stage presences and one that seems impossible for imitation, some of the most innovative songs in the Rock 'n Roll cannon, and an unforgettable voice making him truly one of the greatest front men of any era. And without him, the others would have faded into obscurity before the 70's even started. Sasha Baron Cohen was in line to play him and I supported that. He has a great voice as he's proved in the terrible film Les Miserables, and it's an inspiring casting decision considering he's a comic actor but has a presence and eccentricity factor akin to Mercury himself. Then they cast Ben Whishaw, I mean...whatever. Eventually it all fell on Rami Malek's gorgeously flawless shoulders, and early release photos are indicative that he's got this down. What is kind of annoying, aside from having a confirmed rapist directing a film about one of my favorite icons of music, is that Freddie has been dead for 20 years, his long time lover and life partner Jim Hutton died in 2010, and Brian and Roger are the only ones who 'want to do Freddie justice' granted, they know him very well, they were like a family, a band is a marriage blah blah blah, but it still seems like this would be their baby and their interpretation of Fred's legacy rather than an objective homage to this god-like figure. Well, we'll see. In this spirit of this highly anticipated film here's a list of other very inspired casting decisions in music bio-pics
The film culminates in Queen's iconic performance at Live Aid in 1985.
Val Kilmer as Doors frontman Jim Morrison and everyone in the supporting cast of Across the Universe can fuck off.
Also goes without saying that Jamie Foxx and Ray Charles and Angela Bassett as Tina Turner are iconic and it their performances are basically seamless. So here are some lesser-known imitators.
Sissy Spacek as Loretta Lynn in Coal Miner's Daughter because well yeah.
O'Shea Jackson Jr. as his own father Ice Cube in Straight Outta Compton. That's quite the responsibility, in fact I kinda dig the whole cast of the film.
Gary Oldman's premiere performance as Sid Vicious in Sid and Nancy. I remember thinking; holy shit who is that. They found his fucking twin, also they make being a junkie look pretty glamorous. Also, lest we forget, this is the film premiere of one Courtney Love. (Strangely not as Nancy Spungen).
Most bio-pics about The Beatles really suck. This isn't that. In Nowhere Boy, Aaron Taylor-Johnson plays a very young John Lennon in his art school days, wanting to start a skiffle band and reuniting with his estranged mother only to have her die in a car accident a few months later. He meets Paul McCartney and the seeds of the Beatles are planted. It's really not about the band at all, and Aaron Taylor-Johnson gives a very mature performance while being only 17 during shooting and falling in love with his director Sam Taylor-Wood...they went on to get married despite the 33 year age difference, and she went on to direct Fifty Shades of Grey...it was a simple time.
The main cast of The Runaways. Yeah Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart did Twilight movies together, but let's just forget that happened for two seconds and focus on this tiny film where no doubt the main cast had to take major salary cuts in order to play one of the most important glitter rock/punk rock cross over all-girl bands in an era of cock rock. But i'm sure Dakota and Kristen could afford it with their Twilight money to play Cherie Currie and Joan Jett respectfully. They actually nailed it. Teenage chicks in corsets and electric guitars...in the 70's...it was just so damn cool. I miss them.
professional alcoholic and pouty lip caddy John Rhys-Meyers was only 21 when he undertook the role of Bryan Slade; a Marc Bolan and David Bowie hybrid in Velvet Goldmine, hands down, one of my favorite films; one of my favorite sub-genre's of music; Glam rock. Directed by one of my favorite living filmmakers Todd Haynes, so really pretty fucking perfect.
Ewan McGregor; same movie. Curt Wild was an amalgam of two of my favorite musicians; Iggy Pop and Lou Reed. And all the other favorites I mentioned prior, so you get it.
Out of the 7 actors that played a version of Bob Dylan, Cate Blanchett definitely outshines all of them in I'm Not There (again, by Todd Haynes), not just because of the gender fluidity, but her speaking style, mannerisms, and attitude of Bob Dylan during his rock transition was absolutely something else. She should have won the Oscar that year. You know what? She should win every Oscar she's nominated for.
Oddly hot weirdo Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line was the role he was born to play. It was nuanced and really worked on, you could tell that it was almost an immersion and not an imitation.
Petit Frenchy Marion Cotillard won an Oscar for her performance of national treasure Edith Piaf. I kind of am severely in love with Edith Piaf, the first music I listened to was all of her recordings, so it's kind of an unhealthy obsession. I truly believe that no better music exists. A lot comes close but Piaf poured her heart into every song and the passion of her voice gets under your skin and grabs you by the spine. This metaphor is not making any sense. She is the greatest torch singer to ever torch sing, and the pain of her life is in every note she hits. Marion did her own singing, and she nailed the fuck out of this.
I remember watching a documentary about years in the style of Behind the Music which started with a music journalist saying that '1994 was the beginning of some seriously shallow times', and has it yet ended. Have we gone back to that golden age which we briefly grasped on to in the early 90's? Probably not. It's a question of artifice vs. the genuine. And it seems like artifice is winning and not in the good way where rebellion against the 'truth' of the late 60's which was chalk full of hypocrisy was replaced by glitter, glam, and unapologetic facade culture of the 70's, where disco ruled, men wore fingernail polish, and cocaine was all the rage.
Perhaps one of the most disgusting manifestations of the new millenium is the rise of the hipster.
But let's go back to 1994. It was the pinnacle year that defined that decade really. I remember one of the more recent episodes of Parks and Recreation where Leslie Knope in her 'over the top' fashion decides to throw her husband the best themed birthday party ever, and considering his favorite time period was the EARLY 90's which is always emphasized. Therefore, there's R.E.M. playing everywhere, Ann dresses as Blossom and Ben is seen sporting his favorite Letters to Cleo t-shirt. Why is the 'early' part of that decade emphasized? Because I don't think Ben or any of us were fans of the 'late' 90's. With Aqua, Chumbawamba, and the Spice Girls topping the charts, heroin chic being the standard of thinness that women had to aspire to, and Titanic (1997) about to break every box office record ever set, it was not a time to look forward to or to remember fondly.
Perhaps one of the worst moments of the 90's.
I suppose that when Kurt Cobain died in April of 1994, he took the idealism, merit, and spirit (no pun intended) of the early part of that decade with him. Just like when the free concert featuring The Rolling Stones in Altamont in 1969 was the death nail of 60's. It's like he knew he had his brief moment in the sun and the rest of time he just wouldn't fit into nor wanted to be a part of.
Now almost exactly 20 years after his death, we have not taken any lessons of those magical few years with us. We are now the technological revolution, where 22 year olds become billionaires in a matter of months by inventing Facebook, everyone in the world stares at their smartphones while walking into oncoming traffic not giving a shit, and every single person spends their days, even if unemployed , hunched over a computer screen.
If we really examine it, what's missing the most is original content of popular culture. Everything is as Edward Norton eloquently put it in a film I love to hate (Fight Club (1999)); a copy of a copy of a copy. Every song is a remix or a sample of something that came before it, every film is either a remake or a reboot or a running franchise of a book that probably was published only a year prior. It's very basic. We've run out of ideas. Cobain's perhaps most poignant lesson was that of celebrity. The word 'celebrity comes from the idea of celebrating someone obviously. And now that we have things like 'celebutantes' 'internet celebrities' and 'reality celebrities' it's really quite depressing if we truly examine in. Why is it that we celebrate these people? Because they have a litter of children? Because they have an insane amount of plastic surgery? Because they are able to be famous without actually doing anything? The latter rhetorical question perhaps being the most important. Cobain came from an age where not only did you have to be able to do something well, you had to have something new to say, and have to be able to reach everyone on a gut level rather than a 'oh, that's fun' level.
A picture worth a thousand words
And perhaps our gut level doesn't even exist anymore. We've packed it so tightly with fluff like Bravo, designer handbags, and Seth Rogen movies that we can't tell nor do we care if we even like it or not. We eat it up. It's the fast food of the soul. And the soul devours it with pleasure because the soul has lost all sense of self. A person isn't a person anymore, he/she is a franchise, a commodity. We have transitioned from being human to being in a state of the 'post-human'. We live our lives out on the internet and tell our inner most thoughts to our blogs and twitter feeds. And the saddest end to all of this is that there is no end in sight. The problem doesn't seem like there will be a rebellion of 'the genuine' any time soon because we are all basically hypnotized by the 'hyper-real' or 'the meta', that we don't care if we die tomorrow, because we know that our death wouldn't have an impact on culture like Cobain's did. Because let's face it, people are so ADD that they'll hear it, and just go on with their day, but not before posting some pseudo-profound 140 character poem about it on Twitter.
Below is the documentary I was telling you about it's only 20 minutes long, I highly recommend watching it.
Seriously ya'll, there are certain books that I refuse to read because they are either 'Children's Books' or 'Young Adult Books' or 'Stupid'. But you know what? I'll still make it out to the theater and watch Hunger Games: Catching Fire (whistling noise). Not to blow my own horn or anything but I tend to gravitate towards books that Stanley Kubrick once turned into a film in fact, my favorite book of all time was turned into a film by Kubrick...I'll give you a hint, the author's Russian. I mean I gave The Hobbit a glance through while stoned in high school, and once at the Columbia Bookstore I actually picked up a copy of 'Twilight' before screaming and running out of the store like a mad woman, after which, taking a series of cold showers. But that shit doesn't wash off people. That's why I was hesitant to pick up the 'epic' books that The Hunger Games are based on. First of all, it gets so much criticism for basically being an amalgam of all kinds of shit, specifically the film Battle Royale (2000).
I found it to have a little touch of Ayn Rand dystopianism, a dash of Shirley Jackson's 'The Lottery', and basically every gladiator film that's ever been out since the camera was invented. But I finally watched it, I did, and though every extra of Panem looks like they're late for a Lady Gaga concert, and the narrative was somewhat fuddled I enjoyed myself. J-Law strikes again.
And I am looking forward to the sequel. And no I won't be reading the second book before I watch it so there. You know what I like about some movies? No reading involved. And you know what I hate? The phrase 'the book was so much better than the movie you guys', tell me you haven't wanted to punch the lights out of that pretentious assmunch.
Aesthetically the marketing is fabulous, it appeals to the serious fashion crowd, and we know they don't read shit...unless you count Vogue...which I do.
You can see that the story is very 'Young Adult' and clearly not the model of post-modern dystopia and communist allegory we all know and love as literate individuals who once took an English class (O, Captain, my Captain), but hey, it's a children's book for fuck's sake. Girls that are no older than 15 will dress up like Katniss Everdeen for Halloween. Girls over 20 will go for 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo', which I HAVE read (oh holy shit).
The worst example of film or literature ever. Like ever. Also the best example of accidental marketing.
So basically what I'm saying is that some books are not worth reading, just watch the effing movie and get off on Peeta and Katniss having moments of awkward teenage love as they try to not kill each other. Don't read the motherfucking 'Notebook', in fact, don't read anything by Nicholas Sparks nor watch any movies that his books are based on. Just get your popcorn on and hush up screaming teenagers sitting next to you when you shamelessly as an adult over 25 buy your ticket to Catching Fire (2013) rather than something actually thought provoking like 12 Years a Slave (2013), also based on a book and a really good one, but let's face it how many of you are going to watch 12 Years a Slave and exclaim that you know all about Solomon Northup, slavery in America, and the Civil War. A lot of you, and I will be super annoyed. So let's put on our Katniss pins, do the three finger salute, and just have a little bit of illiterate fun while we still don't get judged for it.
As Vanity Fair usually does, I've made a really short list of up and comers (no pun intended) that are sure to make both men and women swoon pretty damn soon, if they haven't already. Move over Skinny-legs McGee (Kristen Stewart) and Jockface Thick-neck (Channing Tatum), it's time for a new crop of sexy bitches to waltz over the silver screen and prove they've got the goods in more ways than one.
Claire Julien (age 19). She's already made a name for herself as a supporting player in both The Bling Ring (2013) and The Dark Knight Rises (2013) whilst continuing a very successful modeling career. She looks like a healthy version of Kate Moss heroin chic from the 90's, and now she's proven she has acting chops. I'm excited to see what she does next.
Xavier Samuel (age 29). This Aussie hunk of man-meat has actually been in the game for a while, but mostly in Australia, ornly garnering notice since he appeared in one of the Twilight films, and if I tell you which one you would lose respect for me for knowing so I'm not gonna. So far he's been called the best thing about the upcoming film Adore (2013), and when your co-stars are Naomi Watts and Robin Wright that's quite the feat. He'll also be starring in Catherine Hardwicke's new film opposite Emily Browning called Plush (2013).
Marine Vacth (age 23). This stunning French exotic beauty is already making good choices by making her first starring role in a Francois Ozon film where she plays an underage prostitute. The film, her, and her filmmaker all won praise for their efforts at Cannes, and she looks like she could be taking Eva Green's place as reigning hot bitch of France pretty soon. I smell Bond Girl all over her.
Dane DeHaan (age 27). With that junkie charm, and a real talent for sensual expression, he's making waves in what's bound to be the definitive indie film of this year; Kill Your Darlings (2013) where he plays Allen Ginsberg's (Daniel Radcliff) lover, Lucien Carr, while also getting notice for his role in A Place Beyond the Pines (2013). He has that Pete Doherty/River Pheonix dangerous element to him, with talent to boot. Bad boys are always sexy.
Today is the big day Twi-hard idiots! I hope you are already calling in sick from work to risk potentially being fired so that you can sit in the shitty rainy weather waiting to be the first loser out of all your loser friends to buy a ticket to the mercifully last installment of the adaptation of the shittiest literature ever to happen to the English language!
Here's a big toast to you, your mother's basement, and the end of Kristen Stewart's career! It's been a long time coming, but hey dropping out of college to start your own Team Jacob fan club was totally worth it.
But you know what? The journey continues. Because how will future generations ever know truly how far we've fallen as a species and how poorly we execute creative concepts if you don't live to tell your pod children about it eventually.
Now, understanding that you're probably celibate because of lessons you've picked up from Stephanie Meyer and believe that every guy you ever will meet will have the ability to accidentally fuck you to death, you will eventually proceed with some kind of artificial insemination type deal...or you're just going to end up reading the books to your exotic bird collection.
In all seriousness though, I wish you the best, but by no means do I think you'll ever achieve it. Your ambition to be a writer like Stephanie Meyer is not going to make you rich because you'll soon realize that we only tolerate that kind of thing once every millennium. So here's my tip for you, every penny you save from your parents still giving you allowance because you still live at home save towards your therapy, because the notion that there is no man out there like Edward Cullen is going to hit you hard believe me. Fill up on the Paxil, because life is going to be really really sad. Anyway, get back to your sparkling apple cider and your weird Mulholland Dr. (2001) type masturbation. It really is the end of a sick and embarrassing era. BTdubs, I'm pretty sure drinking human blood is a felony, last time I checked, just keep that in mind.
Great article (almost too great) about how Twilight would have done better as porn. In 100% agreement.
I haven't blogged in a while and I thought I'd return to my analytical deductive reasoning routes, but don't worry not too much so it won't be boring I swear. Ironically I feel comfortable in that arena considering how much I hated it with a passion. What is fourth wave feminism? There isn't such a thing, not on paper and in textbooks anyway, but it's definitely rearing it's head in our culture. To examine it, let's firstly quickly and efficiently define the first three waves.
First Wave Feminism - dates back to before the turn of the century in what we call as the 'suffrage movement' when women campaigned among other things, primarily for the right to vote, and the right for equal pay, the right to wear pants, basically think of Lady Sybil from Downton Abbey (2011 - ) If you honestly didn't pay attention at all in high school.
A poster from 1911 from the Suffrage movement.
Second Wave Feminism - names like Gloria Steinhem and Simone de Beauvoir come to mind. It grew out of the counter culture movement of the 1960's particularly in the United States, when though there was dramatic apheaval against the status quo, government, and the powers that be, the opposition itself still functioned under 'men first' principles, so the women's movement grew out of that, demanding equal treatment in these cases, leading to the most profound advanced in women's rights which was the legalization of birth control, a campaign that had actually been fought for since the 1900's by anarchist Emma Goldman. But by Roe v. Wade, it had finally become a reality.
Joan Baez and her sisters on an anti-draft poster from 1968.
Third Wave Feminism - primarily took place around the 1980's and died out just as quickly. It was by fart the most cantankerous, shocking, and militant movement out of the three which celebrated not only women being equal to men but women being superior and men being biologically unnecessary. This was of course the most radical view of the movement championed by Warhol hanger-on and general psychotic Valerie Solanas and her book the SCUM Manifesto (SCUM standing for Society for Cutting Up Men) which stated that men were a biological mistake that should be eradicated...so you get the idea. It was also centered around the idea of sexual politics and what became known as 'gender violence', explored in a lot of art during that time in particular 'The Vagina Monologues'; basically projecting that not only is a woman just as good as a man, but biologically and scientifically speaking, she was absolutely integral to the functionality of society.
Valerie Solanas on the cover of her infamous book, first distributed underground then republished and now available at selected bookstores. BTW she was the one who shot Warhol.
Which brings me to Fourth Wave Feminism, even though it hasn't exactly been put on paper, there is movement creaking into pop-culture that could be defined as a new type of feminism. Though we believe all rights for women to be essentially won to us (ironically now they are being slowly and slowly taken away by the powers that want to be) but in terms of attitude we are averting the creative outlets significantly and turning them into powerful socio-political statements. In the media, this is becoming more and more transparent, particularly in television. Whereas there were shows that were about women that were written by men, now we have shows skewing the male gaze by writing about still successful women by women, and not just on Lifetime. Park and Recreation (2009 - ) is a perfect example. And let's just skip right on to what everyone expects me to talk about Fifty Shades of Grey, spawned from the wildly popular Twlight series, also written by a woman. With the addition of these two literary phenomenons to the scope of literature, we can consider both to be game changer, as poorly written as both were. Particularly with the latter, we can explore why we deem to call it 'feminist' at all considering the female character is the submissive in the relationship she's in and is forced into degrading and punishing situations every single day. If this book was released during the 80's at the height of the third wave it would be burned in effigy and considered deviant slander. These days, it's empowering.
Women reading Fifty Shades of Grey in public, in a Walmart in fact.
Thousands of women are going on television saying that it saved their marriage, taught them how to be more assertive, and regain their libidos which had been lost in a sea of boring missionary sex and sub par orgasms. We can see Fifty Shades of Grey as being an empowerment manifesto for women not only to openly enjoy sex but to take control of what they want in the bed room, if it be handcuffs and chains so be it. It is the female equivalent of a man watching an old DVD out of his porn collection in the middle of the night in his basement, only it is empowering women to do it out on the open, devil-may-care. Thereby, it funnels the sexual power from the male to the female when it is read, though the story plays out in the opposite manner. As silly as it may be, Fifty Shades of Grey is a sexual game changer, and I don't mean just in the BDSM dichotomy, but in that of where the gender power and sexual prowess reaches a congruency, and for now, it seems as though women are on top...no pun intended. The book dictates that not only should women enjoy their orgasms but take pride in them. They should not be afraid to express their most unbridled desires and force their husbands into submission to them rather than the other way around. It's a shift in power that begins with popular culture and mimics itself in the art and media idioms. What's most important and vital to it's relevance is that it's controversial. While the third-wave feminists discouraged pleasure in sex in that it gave men the power in giving them pleasure, fourth wave dictates that pleasure should be embraced and harnessed (again no pun intended) by the woman. Once the movement loses it's cache, things will even out again as they always do, in fact there will probably be some kind of conservative backlash, as there usually is, that's why feminism always comes in waves.
Some clips below, basically for some comic relief.
I can't decide whether to refer to Kristen Stewart as a 'ho' or a 'slut' so I'll just refer to her as a ho-slut.
It finally happened folks. It's everything I've hoped it would be. My house could be on fire and I'd still have a smile on my face because Kristen Stewart beloved skinny bitch of tweens everywhere has done the unspeakable. She put a penis in her mouth that was NOT Robert Pattinson's. I hope she's aware that hell hath no fury like a 12 year-old team Edward Twi-hard. And shit is about to hit some serious fan. She was already pretty seriously loathed by the 12-13 suburbanite delusional girl with brain problems (which is apparently a huge demographic) and also by the likes of me, people in their 20's with lives and responsibilities who still find time in our schedule to feel unbridled hate for her, the reasons of which we are still unsure of.
At this point I'm wondering why people let her outside or let her speak. She's very awkward and says things like 'being a celebrity is like being raped' and then cheats on the #1 masturbation fodder of tweens all over the country, I mean how much more can this girl fuck up? Not only is this a cheating fiasco, Rupert Sanders, her mistress is married with kids, oh and by the by he's about 20 years older than her. I guess it must be her irresistible pasty-ass skin, adorable mumbling, ridiculous fashion sense and overall standoffishness, not to mention those remarkably sexy A-cups. How could any man say 'no'. She also mentioned that her favorite movie of all time is American Beauty (1999) so cleeeeeeeeearly, she's got a good head on those broad shoulders.
The new happy couple; Kristen in an ill-fitting man's suit and married with kids director Rupert Sanders. I don't know about you, but I don't see this working out.
Basically, bitch needs to close her legs to married men, as soothsayer and master of everything Real Housewife of Atlanta NeNe Leaks would say. Now, let's move on to the real trag-fest of this whole situation; the love-life of Robert Pattinson. I'm sure it couldn't have been too pleasant shoving his vampire dick into a dark and morose cave where bats live, but I have no doubt he'll recover pretty quickly, like there's any shortage of awkwardly adorable early 20-somethings with nipples that look like zits that would me more than willing to take K-Stew's place in Robert Pattinson's Crate and Barrell customized bed. If you are a 90 pound brunette with a general disdain for humanity, step right up and let's start a who's next to date Robert Pattinson sweepstakes. I've compiled a short list. Consider me the Patti Stanger of hipster couples. Sarah Hyland, she's perky and she's age-appropriate. She's also funny at times. Not too smart, but hey neither was your last girlfriend. Noomi Rapace, she's older, but she's also really cool (which I know is important to Robert Pattinson) and she's got an accent. I think Elizabeth Moss is available but she's nowhere near hot enough for you. How about date someone else British and go for Rose Byrne, that's always a safe bet. She has manners, grace, a beautiful rack and she's hotter than fuck. So I think that might be a perfect option for you.
The old happy couple, hot, annoying, and united in their not-caring about anything.
Stewart issued perhaps the least articulate apology I've ever heard that people actually called 'sincere' but to me it sounds like something you hand write in pink pen and put hearts and smiley-faces all over before you pass it on to your crush in middle school. It went like this - 'This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.' Kinda short no? I'm not buying it, and Rob if you're listening, don't buy it either. I think if anything, this is going to escalate ratings for the last installment of Breaking Dawn Part II (2012)because everyone (including myself) will be going to watch the unbridled sexual tension and mutual violent hatred the two principals will be feeling for each other and whether they are able to hide it well enough during their already awkward love scenes, maybe it will make them better and you know...sexy.
Below Breaking Dawn Part II trailer. Who's getting pre-sale tickets? I am!
I'm not going to lie. I just ate my weight in McDonalds, because I'm secretly white trash and have zero self respect, so I am bed-ridden at the moment with nothing to do but watch TV Guide Channel's Best Cinema Kisses, because all of the animal fat is coursing through my veins like poison and I'm too lethargic to even pick up the remote and change the channel. I actually happen to agree somewhat with this list (OMFG I actually agreed with something) but of course not completely. They are missing some serious heavy hitters in the tonsil hockey celluloid world and I'm going to go ahead and make my own list before the fast food makes it's way to my skull and renders me brain dead.
Ok let's just get this one out of the way. The most famous kiss in cinema ever, of all time, bar-none, no arguments. Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster in From Here to Eternity (1954).
Liza Minelli, Michael York, and Helmut Greim in Cabaret (1972). This prelude to the actual kiss goes on for a good 4 minutes, it's one of the most erotic things I've ever seen.
Yeah, ok. Atonement (2006). But I give the credit to James McAvoy. Keira seems completely devoid of any kind of passion, probably because she's not human.
Notorious (1946). This is definitely my personal favorite on the list. The story goes that back during the Haze code, kissing couldn't last longer than about 4 seconds, so Hitchcock had the kissing last about 2 minutes with intervals where Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman pull away for air every 4 seconds. Thereby in full compliance with the censors, but actually totally not.
Ewan McGregor and Jonathan Rhys Meyers in Velvet Goldmine (1998). Probably the hottest thing I had seen on film at that point, both men seriously know how to kiss. And the embellished glam rock outfits only make it better.
Match Point (2004). Second time Jonathan Rhys Meyers is on the list, but what can I say, the dude is passionate as fuck. No pun intended. Ok, maybe a little intended. This kiss scene way trumps The Notebook in the kissing-in-the-rain department.
Probably the second most famous kiss in cinema history, Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in the iconic burning of Atlanta scene in Gone with the Wind (1939) The story goes that Vivien Leigh actually hated all of those repetitive takes of having to kiss Gable over and over again because he had bad breath, but then again on set, she was a chronic chain-smoker, so I can't imagine it was too pleasant for him either.
The closest thing to S&M I had experienced when I first saw it, Marlon Brando tries to get Eva Marie Saint to admit that she's in love with him in On the Waterfront (1954), when she refuses he grabs her, throws her up against the wall and passionately has at it, she at first tries to fight him off and then succumbs, what girl wouldn't?
And let's end on a low note. As you know, I'm a fervent fan of the first Twilight (2008), and in this scene Kristen Stewart wakes up to Robert Pattinson watching her sleep at the foot of the bed, and apparently he does that all the time, now if that was me, that guy would be on the floor in a headlock with the police on the way, but she tells him she wants him to try 'controlling himself' and kiss her without basically eating her, it's really hot for about two seconds before he loses control and flies to the other side of the room.
And here are some clips, in case you haven't seen any of these and need proof. Now go make out with someone.
As you film buffs are well aware, in just a week the biggest and sparkliest names in show business will descend upon the beautiful resort town in the south of France called Cannes for the most prestigious film festival that exists in history. So basically it's a lot of pretentious Europeans and the Hollywood elite rubbing shoulders, watching a shit ton of movies, and booing Sophia Copolla and Lars Von Trier (which I have no problem with).
Two of the biggest films in competition this year are David Cronenberg's urban shit-show BDSM violence fantasy Cosmopolis (2012) and sensitive guy socialist Walter Salles' subterranean clusterfuck of disjointed Benzedrine-inspired bullshit On the Road (2012) both based renowned literary opuses, and both starring the principals from Twilight, how fucking appropriate. When you're thinking of adapting Kerouac, the first person that pops in your head should be Kristen Stewart I mean clearly.
Still from On the Road (2012) be prepared for a lot of nude driving.
Both contain excessive fucking and all other kinds of derogatory behavior, one is surreal, the other nostalgic. One is futuristic, the other, dated. And if you can't tell which is which, then go stand in the corner you dumb bitch.
Point is, that hey, it's France. Neither of these are going to pick up any Academy Awards for Best Tits, but they might snag an Un Certain Regard or two. Both are big 'risk' movies with explicit material. The Cosmopolis trailer was even slapped with a red band, therefore parents beware, but Frenchies get your binoculars out if you want to catch Robert Pattinson's peen.
Still from Cosmopolis (2012) be prepared for a lot of nude Robwrt Pattinson shooting and being shot at.
And to assume that a book based on professional drunk Jack Karouac's On The Road would be anything but blatantly explicit is just plain ignorant. Now, I'm not a big fan of either of the books, but I am a fan of Don DeLillo in general (who wrote Cosmopolis, not his best by far) and a way bigger fan of Cronenberg than Salles. To me, if it's competing for who's got the hotter, filthier, more provocative film, it's like the junior varsity sit-ins vs. the starting team on the Lakers. Oh snap, i just made a sports analogy (not even sure if it worked but whateves). It's a no-brainer folks, you're going to make it rain golden palms on Cosmopolis.
Now none of this is to say that either is going to be a 'good' film in the way that we define 'a good film' in fact, I'm not too excited about either. I'm going to go ahead and say for the record that Abbas Kiarostami is going to walk away with the Palme d'Or or even Sang-soo Hong. 'Oh who?' you ask...go stand in the corner, bitch.
Every once in a while I make an exception around here and talk about politics, or music, or in this case, the greatest American novel since 'The Grapes of Wrath'. Of course I'm talking about the book that has taken this nation by storm in a sweep of controversy that was originally based on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series called 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Two volumes have followed, the last installment of which was just published in January of this year and just a few weeks ago topped, that's right, topped the New York Times Bestseller List.
Collectively we as a nation kind of went 'oh yeah, books, you mean we can read these? words that make pictures in your head? will it fit on my iphone?' and then we got wind of what it was about and everyone was in faux shock and awe. Like we've never knew that such things as erotic S&M novels even existed much less become the viral juggernaut of erotic fan fiction.
I've been writing erotic fan fiction for years, what's so new around here? Granted, I never based it off 'Twilight', it was more like 'Lord of the Rings'. Merry and Pippin were secret lovers, Merry was pushed into an arranged hobbit marriage with some frumpy jolly girl and would engage in kinky rendezvous with Pippin underneath the moonlight behind the hobbit bridge...did I just share too much?
I think what the general public has the biggest problem with is that the author is female. Like women don't fantasize about BDSM activity in the extremities and get off on it, wake up America.
In this day and age, it still had major publishing restrictions, but thanks to the internet has become a viral sensation due to blog word-of-mouth, and it's virtually unstoppable. Focus Features just optioned the rights on the 26th, and casting is in the works.
It is a no-holds-barred sexual fantasy about a college student and a stubborn billionaire who fall in love and engage in anal bead and handcuff play...among other things. This girl E.L. James is no Mark Twain, but it's an amazing read. Something you do with the door closed and the phone off with the roommate out for the night. Boys, it's not really for you, I hope this makes everyone realize that what we as women perceive as erotica and are aroused by is rudimentarily different. It's rather empowering actually. It's taking the BDSM subtext of 'Twilight' and making it ecstatically blatant. Put down 'The Hunger Games' and indulge yourself. You know you want it.
For some reason, I can't post this video directly to my blog, so check it out here: It's everything you need to know.
Still from The Story of O (1975) based on the iconic BDSM novel of the same name originally published in 1954.
For more guilty and subversive pleasure Netflix is streaming The Story of O, a 1975 film based on the seminal (perhaps bad choice of words) erotic BDSM novel about a Parisian fashion photographer who signs a contract to be a mysterious millionaire's submissive and gets thrusted (again wrong choice of words) into an elite club of sorts of rich gentlemen who keep her and others as their consensual sex slaves. It's a very '70's' movie I'll just tell you that right now, where the actors' lower body doesn't move, but they convulse they're heads around like they're in the middle of a major seizure. It's very glossy, surreal, and over-the-top. It's fantastic. It's kind of like that high-class British porn that people make fun of, ironically the film is French with English dubs.
Or, you can be old-school and read the works of The Marqius de Sade, particularly 'Justine' which is my favorite.
