Today is the big day Twi-hard idiots! I hope you are already calling in sick from work to risk potentially being fired so that you can sit in the shitty rainy weather waiting to be the first loser out of all your loser friends to buy a ticket to the mercifully last installment of the adaptation of the shittiest literature ever to happen to the English language!
Here's a big toast to you, your mother's basement, and the end of Kristen Stewart's career! It's been a long time coming, but hey dropping out of college to start your own Team Jacob fan club was totally worth it.
But you know what? The journey continues. Because how will future generations ever know truly how far we've fallen as a species and how poorly we execute creative concepts if you don't live to tell your pod children about it eventually.
Now, understanding that you're probably celibate because of lessons you've picked up from Stephanie Meyer and believe that every guy you ever will meet will have the ability to accidentally fuck you to death, you will eventually proceed with some kind of artificial insemination type deal...or you're just going to end up reading the books to your exotic bird collection.
In all seriousness though, I wish you the best, but by no means do I think you'll ever achieve it. Your ambition to be a writer like Stephanie Meyer is not going to make you rich because you'll soon realize that we only tolerate that kind of thing once every millennium. So here's my tip for you, every penny you save from your parents still giving you allowance because you still live at home save towards your therapy, because the notion that there is no man out there like Edward Cullen is going to hit you hard believe me. Fill up on the Paxil, because life is going to be really really sad. Anyway, get back to your sparkling apple cider and your weird Mulholland Dr. (2001) type masturbation. It really is the end of a sick and embarrassing era. BTdubs, I'm pretty sure drinking human blood is a felony, last time I checked, just keep that in mind.
Great article (almost too great) about how Twilight would have done better as porn. In 100% agreement.
Goes without saying that I took my dear sweet time in subjecting myself to this film. It was released in November and armed with a pint of my favorite coffee ice cream and glass of wine, I relented yesterday. I felt like I needed to clear my mind before I had to focus on the premier of Mad Men with something relatively mindless, little did I know I would find it freakin' awesome pants.
Here's a brief history of my experience with the Twilight Saga films.
1. Saw the first one by Catherine Hardwicke, loved it, thought it was great as a cult-horror reboot for a new generation. Have it on DVD, and as a VLC file on my computer in case I lose the former. The only other film that I can say that about is Gone with the Wind (1939)
2. New Moon: Saw it when it first came out, matinee at the Lincoln Center. I was that kind of special hung over that you don't want to do anything, but you don't want to be home, so you take a cab 5 blocks that you just don't feel like walking and indulge in something completely awful. I left midway through.
3. Eclipse: I couldn't be bothered.
Jacob Black: No. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to appreciate your last night as a human. Bella Swan: Well, it's not my last night. Jacob Black: I thought you? Bella Swan: I didn't really want to spend my honeymoon writhing in pain.
So that brings us up to date me thinks. Now, I've never bothered to read Stephenie Meyer's opus, though I did pick it up once while at Strand and promptly put it back down and walked away shaking my head, so there's really nothing in it for me that's too particularly serious. I'm just looking at it in terms of cinematic and filth value, and I'm happy to say that I was quite fulfilled with this latest installment.
Both Parts I & II are directed by Bill Condon who understands the value of camp redemption, and does not hold back with the outlandish nature of the story. He makes it more vapid, violent, and cornball. That after all, is the essence of this saga.
For instance, I found it highly amusing and not at all offensive that Bella (Kristen Stewart) has to literally beg Edward (Robert Pattinson) to fuck her, and seems to enjoy the ensuing rough-play that inevitably occurs considering Edward is unable to get excited without breaking something.
I'm not sure if they mean to signify sex as death or sex as rebirth, either way, apparently it's highly painful and yet fabulously sublime. It's definitely other-worldly let's put it that way.
I loved how little finesse was applied to Jacob worrying that Edward would kill Bella with his crazy powerful vampire cock asking her frankly; 'are you stupid? you'll die'. Subtext, sex with me wouldn't be half as painful, although I do shed and slobber, but I'm hypoallergenic.
If camp is categorized by it's 'deliberate ridiculousness' then this film is a camp treasure, and really wonderfully executed. I could have done without all of the silly time-passage montages sent to hipster shuffle picks, but that's about the only complaint I have.
Moving on to Bella's death scene (sorry if I ruined it for you, but if you don't know that that happens eventually then I feel truly sorry for your thick self). She's having a 'demon-baby' one that is quickly sucking the life blood and just regular blood from ailing Bella who develops maternal feeling for the thing and refuses to abort it. The baby (which ends up being a precious cute-as-balls little girl) tears her body apart trying to get out, and Edward finally relents to having to 'change' her. i.e. fiercely biting into her every orifice with his sharpened fangs; the sound effects of which being so over the top it would have been strangely romantic if it weren't so delightfully disgusting.
Twilight drops some science on us.
Dr. Carlisle Cullen: The fetus isn't compatible with your body. It's too strong. It won't allow you to get the nutrition you need. It's starving you by the hour. I can't stop it and I can't slow it down. At this rate, your heart will give out before you can deliver. Bella Swan: Then I'll hold on as long as I can and then.
Long story short, it eventually works and as we close in on her newly youthful and glowing face, her eyes open to reveal pupils blood red. She's now no longer loser can't-walk-in-heels, clumsily awkward, lip-biting, hair-playing, eats all the carbs she wants and never gains weight whiny Bella, she's Camp Queen Bella, the Vampire Goddess. Let's cover her in blood and give her lots of clever puns on death in her dialogue. That's my hope for Breaking Dawn Part II.
The highly awaited teaser came out today. Here it is.
