Bravo in all of it's infinite wisdom has realized that its own roster of shows is far too ridiculous, as well as most of the crap that's out there let's just be real. So to cushion the blow that you get from every cliffhanger on Empire or every hair pulling fight on the Real Housewives, it has provided you with the snarkiest TV audience groups that can watch all of it with you, and say out loud what we're all feeling. It's difficult for me to convince my regular three dimensional friends to watch Southern Charm with me...ironically, even if I throw in a drinking game and a quesadilla. I guess my friends just hate fun. I didn't mean that, I love you all, but can we not hike like one day of the weekend? I like to spend my Saturday's horizontal shame-eating slices of Havarti cheese, and ragging on what The Bachelorette is wearing...in my bathrobe. So to Bravo, thank you for manufacturing people that feel the same, and getting so damn meta about your damn self. If you've watched the show, you already have a favorite couch group, but I'll provide you with them and some choice quotes. I love them all, don't ask me to choose.
L to R: Rashawn, Princella, and Lamont. They are hilarious. It's Princella that usually has the over the top reaction, and Lamont always just side-eyes her. He's the best at throwing wife shade.
Amanda and Kenya. Best friends, they finish each others sentences and always are en pointe with heavy criticism. Out of everyone they are the least sarcastic ...they didn't even have much to say during the Eurovision Awards...I mean urly?
Teddy, Ayn and Sue...BFF's. Like literally. You would think they are very proper and prim, but you would not believe what comes out of their mouths. Where did you learn to speak that way young lady?
Blake, Scott, and Emerson. These three friends reminds me basically of my 20's. So. Much. Shade. But in the world's snarkiest way. When Whitney Sudler-Smith, resident douche canoe on Southern Charm called Craig a 'cocksucker' dear Emerson (sincerely confused) quipped: 'Since when was that a bad thing?' I heart them forever.
The Resnicks. The family closest to my heart. Three sisters (no their not Haim) and their dad Joe. The poor man has to deal with so much millenial angst and screaming at the top of their lungs every time any one on Vanderpump Rules makes out...which is quite often.
Julie and Brandy...and their three adorable chihuahuas. They have to be my personal favorite, props to them for saying what I was about to say EVERY DAMN TIME. After watching the limo gimmicks on the new Bachelorette Brandy had no issue with saying that's why the show is great, because it's all sociopaths. You go girl.
Sisters Cathy and Destiny are both certified to make citizens arrest. No idea why that's important but they are the queens of overreactions. And it's awesome.
I'm so hesitant to even bring this up because this is too much for even the Reality TV universe and it's trashiest campiest incarnation; The Real Housewives. But being the die-hard fan that I am, I'm gonna. My ladies of Beverly Hills aren't currently airing, and Jersey is on hiatus (Fre Tre!) look it up. So there's nothing left but the OC. The OG of the Real Housewives, and the absolute worst people ever. Still! For those of you not in the know, the OG of the OC is plastic surgery aficionado and general batshit professional yeller Vicki Gunvalson. That show has been on or nearly 9 years, and she's been on every single season. She's beat the matrix. And she's got a new beau (I just watched Coen Brothers stuff). Well, he's pretty old considering how fast these ladies go through husbands, ergo it's ironic to even call them 'housewives', but anyway, this guy is the incomparable Brooks, whom no one likes. And I'm not talking no one on the show...I'm talking no one in this known universe. He's shady AF, and has been exposed for lie after malicious lie, which he loves to pin on the other cast members with his sickening Southern drawl and holier-than-thou smirk.
And now he might have told the biggest one ever, which I can't even say that I believe or don't because I like to avoid lawsuits when possible. The whole season this year revolves around Brook's alleged cancer. A lot of the girls, well basically all of them think it's a pile of steaming hot dog shit. But Vicki is standing by Brooks no matter the fact that all of the evidence points to the contrary.
Some backstory. A big smoking gun was Heather Dubrow. She's married to Terry Dubrow, who even if you don't get plastic surgery on a regular basis, you've heard of. He's the Michelangelo of Beverly Hills (and Orange County for the sake of the show) and is literally the most famous plastic surgeon on the continental United States. Though being married to such, Heather has (for the most part) avoided plastic surgery, but that doesn't mean that being married to a doctor hasn't given her SOME know-how. When Brook's brazenly bragged about the fact that he's not doing chemotherapy and instead opting for really experimental holistic treatment with a doctor, whom she knows personally she stressed to the other housewives and the world that this is a doctor who specializes in cellulite treatment that she had after giving birth. Now, you don't need to have passed the M-CATS to know that if you have cancer, you need to go to a real doctor. And every type has a different specialist. Brooks claims to have Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, a very aggressive and painful cancer that requires very aggressive treatment. Now, maybe Brooks wants to avoid really Walter Whitey type of treatment that will keep him on bed rest and cause his hair to fall out, but will in the end prolong his life and better his health and try basically the horoscope of medical treatment, but even so, every time he comes on screen, he looks like he just got back from a spa. Are you worried about your hair falling out? You barely have any to begin with.
I know that Heather's Joan Crawford eye-brows always look like she's shocked, but even without them, she's always in shock. Oh my!
I honestly can't give more of an opinion than that, well at least publicly, alone at home with a bottle of chardonnay who know's what I say? But I just have to say that it doesn't surprise me that a man known for compulsively almost habitually lying about his past, is lying now. I'm skeptical, let's just leave it at that. Now, if Bravo doesn't confirm one way or another by the end of the season we are all going to be severely pissed. And I have to say, that regardless of how shameless it is to milk a cancer story much like they milked the very real battle that Yolanda Foster (cast member of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) had to face with Lyme disease, it makes for good drama, especially when it's a cad like Brooks, and someone that has such strangely motivated blind faith as Vicki. Shannon ever so cleverly quipped that Vicki is a smart cookie. Which she is. And 'if anyone knows, Vicki knows'.
Even a 30-year-old ditz can google 'non-hodgkins lymphoma'. Yeeesh.
Personally I could care less, it's good TV, can't believe I just said that. But here's the thing, if he is lying, he is going to that very last ring of hell to spend eternity with child molesters, Hitler, and screenwriters who write themselves into scripts. I honestly can't believe what kind of bad juju, karma, whatever you want to call it is going to come back at him. Even if it's not, how is he sleeping at night? Even on Vicki's Egyptian cotton sheets. I can't believe I'm going to say this but I'm with Meghan (the newest and youngest addition to the cast) on this one. She's not too bright, but knows how to utilize google for research much better than Bella in Twilight (though that's not saying much) and it doesn't take an arduous online search to figure out that Brook's story and diagnosis is not adding up with how he's handling it, specifically how he's going about his treatment. As Heather said, why not just show the medical papers and shut everyone up. The truth always comes out. Just can't believe we have to wait until the season finale (airing next week) to see it.
When I wake up I usually check my Zite app on my commute to catch up on pop culture news, and then stuff that's happening in the world like the Republican debate, the pope's visit to America and other stuff...you know, priorities. What popped up today made me sick to my stomach. And it's funny that stuff about a supermodel being bullied on social media has that effect on me, but sorry not sorry?
Show-stopping end of Hilfiger's show at NYFF this year with Gigi leading the way.
Backstory. I'm an avid die-hard Real Housewives fan, especially The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. We were first introduced to basically the hottest model commodity in the fashion world today through the franchise as she was the daughter of one of the principal cast members (also a model). Gigi Hadid is the product of Yolanda Foster and Muhammad Hadid. At 16 she was already modeling. When your mother is a former supermodel herself, you can rely on contracts from IMG, Wilhelmina, and Ford from age 4. She was seriously stunning. Like her mother, she stood around 5'10 and had legs for days and a beautiful voluptuous body. If you watched the show you know that even before she started her career her mother was really stringent about Gigi's diet and exercise routine, considering blessed with literally the best genes on the planet there's really no need for that. I always thought that Andy Cohen would do a spin off on Gigi and her younger sister Bella (also a model, and also freakin' gorgeous) but then Gigi up and moved to New York to quote pursue a modeling career while studying criminal psychology, suffice it to say the latter didn't work out. But god damn her modeling career took off and she was quickly walking the runways in Paris, New York, and Milan, and appeared on every single billboard for Guess, and graced the covers of Vogue, W, and the like.
Like mother like daughter. Yolanda Foster on the left during her equally successful modeling career.
And I'm sorry but the era of heroin-chic that Kate Moss dominated is long over. We don't need our models to look like they are in the terminal stages of drug addiction any more. Setting those kind of sick unachievable standards was just wrong and I can't believe that dark circles under your eyes, a paler beyond pale complexion and bones sticking out of every part of your body was considered sexy.
Anyway, back to Gigi. She's fresh faced, blonde, and unimaginably beautiful and graceful. And homegirl knows how to model. Again, she was raised by a model, so... After she opened up an Instagram account, we all got to see the behind-the-scenes Gigi and god damnit, she's just as gorgeous just hanging out on her couch. For fuck's sake. And now people are giving her shit? I object! Have you SEEN her instagram? I'd die for selfie's like that. I know she's a model, and I know the standards are high, but in my opinion, SHE'S the standard for all other models right now. Her legs start at her neck, her lips are naturally big and pillowy so there's no need for duckface, and her hair is luxuriously long. She literally looks like a Disney princess that the Disney animators were never creative enough to invent. Seriously world? Body shaming a supermodel? I can tell just by looking at her that she probably wears a size 2 or 0, and can pull off wearing literally ANYTHING so shut up people. That's just wrong.
If you were this hot, you'd take a bunch of Instagram selfies too. SMIZE!
You're probably jealous because there's not a flaw on Gigi Hadid, and you have nothing better to do with your time than troll instagram and get envious. Yeah, fuck her for having flawless skin, long flowy hair, big beautiful eyes, and a penchant for mirror selfies (that last one I'm totally guilty of, so I feel her pain, the rest not so much). And body shaming? In a world where cyberbullying is so revolting that it leads to suicide, could you be a little more careful with where you direct your abject negativity? Or here's a thought, not use it at all and shut the fuck up?
body shaming? urly?
She was raised right though, she responded in a very classy way shutting down her haters. 'I hope everyone gets to a place in their life where they'd rather talk about things that inspire them over things that bring others down.' Simple, but right on the money. I know not a lot of you follow her on Instagram (I do, yay me!) and even fewer of you paid attention to New York Fashion Week this year, but she killed it (especially at the grand finally of Tommy Hilfiger's show), so for your own dignity, just stop. If anything it makes you look like more of a loser, especially when you resort to something so abhorrent as body shaming; which to me, is absolutely inexcusable. It's cruel, and it says more about you as a terrible human being than the person you're doing it to. Ok I'm done.
I can't do a definitive list because I don't watch every franchise, but even if I don't like New York, there are still New York housewives on the list. But also because there are so many it would take forever and I have a life, a limited one but a life nonetheless. Now if you're a novice you're going to notice damn fast that there's basically very little difference between how they all look because they are all for the most part menopausal and all have that melted barbie look and are either way too tanned or way too blonde. But if you are a Real Housewives enthusiast, congrats because you're way cooler than all the haters out there, and you'll know exactly the difference is. We are not going on aesthetics alone. We're going on class (of which there is little) general attitude, and a means of carrying oneself. We used to call it femininity, now we call it ready-for-HD. Starting with #20 and going to the hottest. Also, if you watch you probably know who goes at the very top of the list but I still beckon you to read the whole post.
20. Kathy Wakile (Real Housewives of New Jersey)
A lot might be shaking their heads, but this fly-eyed over-tanned almost grandma looking housewife knows how to bake and keep her cool like no one's business. Yeah she uses way too much make up and the face is a bit busted, but we all use 'it's a good salad' when we want to get out of a sticky situation thanks to her.
19. Heather Dubrow (Real Housewives of the OC) The newest addition to the cray cray of the OC, Miss Fancy Pants who's married to the biggest plastic surgeon on that coast is '99% natural' even though she can side-eye someone like no one's business but she is straight up no bullshit. Go ahead try to eat a bow off her cake.
18. Sonja Morgan (Real Housewives of New York). The ladies of New York are more batshit than you would think, but this one seems to rise above the fray which means she probably has the least screaming interactions, then again I don't know much about her. She's not a lot of drama and in Bravo land that means booooooring.
17. Kelly Bensimon. (Real Housewives of New York). From one end of the cray spectrum to the other, perhaps this was all aboard the hot mess express. Whether its crying rivers at reunions or going straight up Exorcist while on vacation, or my personal favorite jogging in the middle of New York traffic. This is like the cray Cindy Crawford.
16. Kandi Burruss (Real Housewives of Atlanta). This firecracker is awesome. She like the other ladies of Atlanta has a strict no bullshit policy, and can look cute as a button not taking shit. I love her.
15. Lisa Rinna (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Pint-sized, big lipped, and having the same haircut for 20 years, can still rock being a full on milf, who is way protective of friends and family and also full of some of the best one-liners in only one season of the show...so far.
14. Taylor Armstrong (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Perhaps this is the best picture of her. Everyone knows Taylor loves to drink and then dissolve into tears, but you know what? If my husband killed himself and left me with nothing but lawsuits I'd probably be drenched in chardonnay as well. This I think as also when she got deathly thin, she's now remarried to her lawyer (of course) and apparently doing better. Fingers crossed. We don't know she was fired off the show...duh.
13. Brandi Glanville (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Lets get this out of the way. She is a goddamn bitch and a trouble maker, but she is crazy hot. The former model stands at 6'2 with the world's longest legs and a body that won't quit we all remember her bikini or lack thereof, and she would rock a burlap sack, if only we could get her to cover up more. But do we really want that?
12. Teresa Giudice (Real Housewives of New Jersey). This Jean Valjean of the Real Housewives universe is currently serving at the halfway mark of her 15 month prison sentence for major major fraud. She basically made the franchise what it is, way back in season 1, travel back in time with me when the Teresa table flip became a thing. Say it with me. You were engaged 19 fucking times!?
11. Cat Ommaney (Real Housewives of DC) This British transplant was married to a white house photographer and had absolutely no filter and seriously a no bullshit policy. But she never raised her voice and always had a glass of wine at the ready whether it was to throw it into someone's face or to drink it while rolling her eyes.
10. Melissa Gorga (Real Housewives of New Jersey). This one is a real moron. Like even by Jersey standards, whether she's totally misunderstanding how to use hyperbole and/or metaphors or advocating marital rape, or making horribly auto-tuned pop songs, she's still a bit of a bombshell, or as she would say a 'knock out' again, mixing metaphors.
9. Kyle Richards (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Kyle is pretty flawless her house-husband was voted the hottest one out of all of the franchises, she's a great mom to 4 beautiful girls, lives in Belaire, drives a Maserati, and has been the long suffering youngest sister of Kathy and Kim (Kim is the hot mess alcoholic, Kathy is Paris and Nicky's mom). Even being surrounded by such Beverly Hills pomp, Kyle maintains her sincerity, and her brunette hair.
8. Dina Manzo (Real Housewives of New Jersey). Perhaps the only blonde in Jersey, she came back after 5 seasons to bring the zen bitches. She's got a natural beauty about her, and its difficult to find that well in any of the housewives. And considering the murky family bloodlines she's from, she came out looking like the champ amongst a bunch of zoo creatures.
7. Camille Grammer. (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Mrs. ex Kelsey Grammer, can you imagine how lucky he was to lang a woman like that, and then leave her for some flight attendant urly? This blonde bombshell might be a little fake around he edges and have done playboy but she has a USC degree and more class than you can shake a stick out. No pre-nup, and he cheated, ergo she won. You will always win Camille.
6. Cynthia Bailey (Real Housewives of Atlanta) Former model/overall ridiculously hot human being Cynthia has chestnut eyes to die for and beautiful ok...eyes lips hair combo. Everything about her. She's got it going on, and she doesn't need Nene's snark because her thighs don't touch.
5. Gretchen Rossi (Real Housewives of the OC) She hasn't been on the show for a while, but while on it she was as close to a living breathing barbie doll as someone is physically capable of getting to. But even without the pounds of make-up and enough hairspray to make its own hole in the o-zone, Gretchen had it going on.
4. Eileen Davidson (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Can you believe this dynamo is in her 50's? I can't. She's a former soap star, Emmy winner, with a hippie disposition, and a great franchise; 'I'm not a bitch but I play one on TV'. And she's straight up a class act. She had wine thrown in her face by a drunk Brandi and she was able to diffuse that shit instead of pull a Teresa so bless her heart, and also excuse the fuck out of her for giving a damn.
3. Kenya Moore (Real Housewives of Atlanta). Straight up, I don't even watch the RHOA, and I know who Kenya Moore is. She's Gone With the Wind fabulous. C'mon! Former pageant queen, her beauty and her attitude make for one hell of a mane-eater incarnation. She's perfection.
2. Yolanda Foster (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). According to Brandi the only housewife that's neer had work done and that's quite the feat, this Dutch bombshell and former model now Master Cleanse enthusiast and the mother of two really hot supermodels, Yolanda is happy to play the harriet housewife to her husband, David Foster, and wear white pants all the live long day. No complaints.
1. Lisa Vanderpump (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Did you really not see this coming? She's what Madonna is to pop music to the Bravo cannon. This boss bitch has everything, also she literally has everything, but she's worked her ass for it, her perfectly shaped ass. She might be one of the oldest housewives but you'd never tell and it's not the botox. She's British, gorgeous, and sassy. She's the mother hen, and the classiest woman of them all. Boss bitch, we salute you...and Giggy.
Gigi (Left) and Bella (Right) Hadid seriously take the best instagrams in the world. Were there Oscars for that they would clean up.
So
Thursday news broke that not only was Kim Richards (Hot Mess Express, lying
alcoholic bitchface) was fired from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but
Brandi Glanville (resident legs-for-days, loud-mouthed, also-kind-of-a-drunk)
would be leaving the Bravo studios with their last paychecks.
Now,
every one is probably all see ya never about the whole thing, but I’m in a bit
of a quagmire. A network that didn’t stop filming this franchise when one of
the house-husbands hangs himself and blames it on the show in his suicide note
is going to fire two ‘troublemakers’ urly? Isn’t that your bread and butter
Bravo?
Kyle finally snapped, granted I can't believe it took her this long, and with surrogate mother, Lisa Vanderpump holding her hand, she told her sister to basically fuck off out of her life, good riddance Kim.
Basically
what you’ve just done was make the show highly boring. I’m sure Season 6 (yes,
that’s how far the Beverly Hills franchise has come) will be a total snooze
fest. I’m glad to have the additions of Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson, because
as former soap opera stars, they know how to bring the drama without being hot
messes, so they are my bastions of hope. Coupled with the mother hen and
definitive foundation of the show, classiest bitch on the planet, and the glue
that holds this shit show together; Lisa Vanderpump, maybe there’s hope.
Kyle,
the long suffering younger sister of Kim who has been taking care of said evil
bitch and her oh so obvious drug and alcohol problems since she was basically a
teenager and has to deal with the guilt that she never had those problems, she
married well and has a beautiful family, and got more in her mother’s will than
Kim did can finally break free from the diamond chains. At the last reunion,
none of us really went in watching liking Kyle too much, because she’s
self-richeous and passive aggressive. But then we saw how Kim
bullied her sister and had probably been doing so for decades we all went team
Kyle especially when she finally cracked, broke into tears and yelled ‘You’re
so fucking mean! Just leave me alone!’ Draaaaaama. Now who are we going to yell
that at? As mentioned before Lisa Vanderpump, her husband Ken, and her
alopecia-inflicted toy Pomeranian Giggy are just too classy to give any fucks
whatsoever.
Let's be honest, at first we thought these two buckets of botox drenched in chardonnay were kind of fun, but now it's like the Witches of Eastwick, I say that because Kim (on the left) starred in that movie, oh the irony.
Here’s
my few cents. The other pillar of the Beverly Hills franchise that entered the
scene in Season 3 was Dutch beauty, former model, hotter than the sun itself,
take no bullshit, Martha Stewart-esque, flower collecting, Master Cleanse
obsessed Yolanda Foster. Quick history. She lives in a Malibu palace, she’s
married to 80-time (no exaggeration) Grammy award winning producer David Foster
and her two oldest daughters are literally the most famous models in the world
right now. Again, no exaggeration. Want that life? Yeah we all do. And she
worked her ass off for it. She hates drunk women, exercises 5 hours a day, and
reminds every member of her family how much she loves them on a daily basis.
She’s the person to model your life after. So anyway, with all that swagger,
she’s still kind of boring because she’s just too perfect, and also she might
reject another season because poor thing has been suffering from Lyme disease
for 3 years now.
The ridiculously gorgeous Yolanda Foster with husband David Foster. You didn't think a woman who looked like that would have amazingly hot spawn?
Her
daughters from her first marriage; Gigi and Bella Hadid are insane, ok? They
are gorgeous. Every time you
drive by a billboard in LA or walk into any boutique in New York, you’ll see
either one of them on foam board. And yes it’s all-natural, they just have
amazing genes. It’s like could you be more annoyingly and ridiculously perfect?
Fuck you.
Tall, rich, and adorable. Basically perfect. You want to hate them but you just can't. (Yolanda in the middle with Gigi on her left and Bella on her right)
Anyway!!
David Foster’s two grown girls from another marriage (he’s got like 12 kids
from previous marriages) have their own redundant and short-lived MTV show
called Barely Famous, or Barely Legal, some fucking shit I don’t
know. MAKE A SHOW ABOUT BELLA AND GIGI, and nix the Beverly Hills franchise all-together.
When people are getting too drunk to be on Bravo, you’ve got a problem, mister.
I’m pointing a finger at you Andy Cohen. Maybe don’t have so many open bars or
staged ‘dinner parties’ it’s like being fired from Guns ‘n Roses for being too
drunk. You’re about to sink. You’ve got assets thanks to Yolanda (our hope, our
light, our savior in heaven) use them!
Let's see if I can find interesting clips if I did, they're below:
Below two intros the first from 3 the second from season 4, how things have changed. You can literally see Brandi's dark side come out in 30 seconds.
Promo still for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 4 reunion. Premiered yesterday.
I hate reality TV, and I mean with an adult pre-occupying hate. There is really nothing likable about it except for the schaudenfreude we all feel after finishing an episode of Couples Therapy or some show where someone's just the personification of the 'hot-mess express', which is basically every show. You look into my iTunes library, and it's seasons of cerebral shows like Sherlock, Mad Men, Downton Abbey, some Lost because you know, of course), and then a plethora; just a cornucopia of different episodes of different incarnations of the Real Housewives franchise. I have two favorites, the others, I really don't pay much attention to, but the 'classy' ladies from Beverly Hills and the nutbags from New Jersey have transfixed me, and I'm an Ivy League graduate. It's beyond a guilty pleasure it's more of a guilty obsession, to where I actually imagine myself on the cast.
Frenemies Brandi Glanville and Lisa Vanderpump share a laugh on Watch What Happens Live.
Here's the irony, a lot of these women are not even housewives. They are not even wives some of them. Par example; Brandi Glanville a regular 'housewife' on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has been divorced for 6 years. Another member of the cast; Lisa Vanderpump is certainly not what we think of as a housewife considering she's an entrepreneur and a working woman, with 2 high-end restaurants in Los Angeles to constantly manage. But apparently being the equivalent of a homemaker is not the criteria it takes anymore to be cast on this Bravo juggernaut.
White house gate crashers Michaele Salahi and Tareq Salahi shake hands with President Obama.
One incarnation of the franchise that I loved was The Real Housewives of DC, which was absolutely brilliant. When it ran for it's one and only season back in 2009-2010, DC was the 'it' city with everyone's fascination tuned into that city's culture. Obama had just become president, and it was a hub of culture and activity. It was like move over San Francisco, Portland, and New Orleans, there's cool shit going on in DC. Bravo was not about to let that pass them by, and decided to move their cameras to DC, and what was cool about those broads was that unlike most other housewives from basically every city that they pick, they actually had class, were 'old money', and spoke articulately, which is something you never expect from a Bravo syndicated show. There was just a tiny bomb on that train which happened to explode all over the network and they found themselves in some serious hot water and that bomb goes by the name Tareq and Michaele Salahi. Remember them? The White House Party crashers? Yeah they were on the show, and Michaele was a bona fied housewife, but believe me, it didn't take for the others long to figure out just how big of a phony she really was and when the gate crashing happened and the two were put on trial, the other housewives had a big laugh watching it together to bask in the glory that was Michaele's demise. Unfortunately, because of that little stunt, Bravo was disallowed from continuing the DC franchise and there were no more seasons filmed there.
Table flipping, weave-pulling, and general screaming was a staple of the Jersey Housewives franchise.
The Jersey housewives kill me because there is literally nothing stopping them from bad and tacky behavior. These are not 'ladies', these are Jersey girls, who all married rich and now they get to act like completely despicable morons, but it always comes back to the same thing 'family' a very Jersey notion. And also very ironic because most of them spend their free time which is all their time trying to sabotage one another considering that most of them are related, so I'm not sure how high 'family' actually exists in the totem pole of important things for them. I'd imagine somewhere between Louis Vuitton handbags, and cheap wine.
A never-ending supply of booze was definitely a housewife unto itself.
And then there's my favorite girls to see unravel with every blessed episode; The chicks from the hills, Beverly to be exact, so much irony in calling them that since most of them don't even LIVE in Beverly Hills. One lives in Malibu, two in Belaire, and I think one's even in the Valley. They switch up that cast the way a girl switches up her favorite pair of jeans to wear. Lately they've had two additions; British-born Wicca Carlton whom I love, and Puerto-Rican beauty queen Joyce, whom I can't stand...and let's face it, none of us can. Drunky Taylor, who's husband killed himself probably because the show was getting a bit too close for comfort on all of his embezzlements and fraudulent money deals, is off the show (fucking finally) as is heiress, gravely-voiced monster uberbitch, Adrienne Maloof. And that's all well and good, but I love how even in the face of the worst kind of estrogen motivated backstabbing and drunken arguments, they still manage to act like ladies...this includes Brandi by the way. For those not in the know, Brandi came on like a spitball on fire as Adrienne's then Lisa's BFF, who was cheated on by her husband B-movie actor, Eddie Cibrian with his co-star at the time, Leanne Rhymes. She drinks, she cusses, she wears clothes that are far too revealing but keep in mind she's a former model, that's just par for the course. She's kind of like the American Patsy Stone if Patsy Stone was a real person. She's had tiffs with basically everyone else on that show but still somehow manages to come out on top, and not because she's taller than everyone else. I think she's basically the main reason to watch it if you're going to get into it. At the reunion, which premiered its first half yesterday she had no problem telling Joyce that she looks like an Olympic figure skater in her dress, adding to that 'Sochi's calling bitch'. So I guess that's basically why. It's also the same reason women tend to 'hate their friends'...there's even a term for that; remember 'frenemies'? In Julie and Julia (2008) there's this great scene when Julie her husband and her friend are eating and Julie says 'what does it mean when you don't like your friends?' and her friend answers back 'it's totally normal', then her husband tries to add 'men like their friends!' and Julie says 'we're not talking about men, who's talking about men?'. So if you're a woman, you should get into it, the only season running now is The Real Housewives of NYC, which has been a snoozefest since Bethenny Frankel left, so punch those reruns into your iTunes and prepare to laugh your ass off if not find yourself totally relating to some completely inexcusable behavior, because you know what ladies? It's all within us, these broads just have the balls to show it off, in front of cameras. Once a week. On Bravo...in 8 inch Louboutin stilettos.
RHOBH Season 2 intro, with some old faces, that look like new faces thanks Botox! Damn these girls are smart...no sassy, sassy's the word I'm looking for :P
RHODC intro. They just have the 1. Sorry for inability to find clips Bravo runs a tight ship.
And finally the new seasons of Jersey intro. You can just smell the animosity.
The two new additions to the Housewives. Joyce on the left and Carlton on the right.
Anyone catch last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? It was a doozy. It aired in between two nauseating episodes of Vanderpump Rules where we basically find out that everyone who works at SUR cheats on their significant other. Let me break that down for ya real quick; Jax cheated on Stassi with Kristen who is Tom's girlfriend who cheated on Kristen with Arianna. So it's just a giant clusterfuck of regret and denial that culminates with everyone comically borrowing other people's phones to find salacious texts as evidence (especially Tom) poor guy, he has to go through Jax's phone to find proof that his girl (horseface) hasn't been loyal to him and when Jax points out that he cheated on her too, his retort is '...not with a fucking friend dude'. Oh god what interesting lives they lead.
I heart Carlton!
Anyway, back to the Housewives! This new season has been rather uneventful and boring to say the least, just a bunch of glammed up parties, and casting two totally out of place housewives, I guess because they're brunette (gasp) and at first I was like 'what is this? I miss hotmess Taylor and backstabber Adrienne!' but now I totally understand the casting choices of bringing in former Miss Puerto Rico who can barely speak English properly and another Brit for Lisa to hang out with; my personal favorite, Wiccan Carlton Gebbia. And when I say Wiccan it's not just a bunch of bright candles and incense in her mansion, she does the works. Her house has so many Wiccan and also, strangely enough Christian iconography in it, it feels like a mediaeval castle fighting with itself. But it's awesome, I'd move in tomorrow.
Also, did I mention Carlton's a freak? She has three small children and still goes to that naughty lingerie shop near the Beverly Center (yes I have membership there) to try on the craziest psuedo-S&M; black leather inspired costumes and has an entire room dedicated to freaky sex. The bedroom she uses for 'regular' sex, like to-make-baby sex. But the room with mirrors all around the walls and on the ceiling, that's where the sex swing goes.
Kyle: Is that a Jewish Star?
Carlton: Are you fucking kidding me?
So she had this extravaganza to celebrate America (I still don't get why, it wasn't 4th of July and she's British) but anyway she had just gotten a tattoo of a pentagram on the back of her neck, very sexy actually nothing too gaudy. Kyle the 'Jewish one' just because she married a Jewish man and went to a couple Kabbalah classes while it was cool takes one look at it and says 'is that the Jewish star?' to which Carlton excellently replies 'are you fucking kidding me?' which is exactly what I was screaming at the TV that very moment.
Carlton's tattoo that caused all the ruckus.
First of all, only non-Jews call the Star of David a 'Jewish star', second of all, if you can't tell the difference between a FIVE POINTED Pentagram and a SIX POINTED Star of David, honey go back to Rabbinical school and study. This lead to inescapable tension at the next party (yeah, all they do is party and plan parties, get used to it). It's two of the husbands' birthdays, and it's a sit down dinner and Kyle gets a little WASTED and starts going off on Carlton who is already on the defensive. And then she pulls that card that you never pull unless you plan on having no further relationship with the other person. For Carlton's totally appropriate reaction to Kyle not knowing the difference between a pentagram and a Star of David, Kyle calls Carlton an anti-semite. Wayyyyy wrong thing to do there Kyle. Also she added 'you don't want people to judge you being Wiccan then don't act like a witch!' After which point, instead of casting a horrible spell on her (something empty headed Joyce accused Carlton of earlier) Carlton calmly excuses herself and leaves. Good girl. Hey Kyle, how about this, you want to call yourself Jewish? Then do your damn research and stop acting like a moron. Btdubs, that goes for you too Joyce, as Carlton put it; I know English is your second goddamn language but you've got to stop throwing around accusations too (i.e. calling Brandi a racist). I mean it seems like when these women know they've been argued in a corner their last card to play is to j'accuse the other person of being basically the worst thing you can be when we all know that not to be the case. Shame on you Kyle and Joyce. I know one of you was a child star and the other one was a beauty queen (respectively) and neither of you went to college, but for the love of god, stop showing that off by what you say. It's embarrassing.
