No no no no no no no no...no!

Michelle Williams will be the next Sally Bowles. I may never be the same again.

It's bad enough that Michelle Williams and all of her quiet courageous talent or as I like to call it under-acting had to take down one of my favorite screen and pop culture icons with the sweaty piece of turd that was My Week with Marilyn (2011), but now, she's gone too far people. I am THIS close to rioting. What that would entail is me printing out a very large flag with Liza Minnelli's face on it, putting on a t-shirt that says 'no one fucks with Bob Fosse' and screaming through the LA streets like a deranged lunatic and I very well might. A very good friend of mine (though I seriously considered strangling her were we on the same side of the country) sent me news that Michelle Williams will be playing the iconic role of Sally Bowles. I. Want. To. Vomit. Murder. Punch Something. In that order. Here's the damned article Michelle Williams to Make Broadway Debut in ‘Cabaret’

When I'm through, then I'm through...and I'm through...tootdle-oo.

Yes, she's not doing a remake of the film (if that were the case, I would be in the paper tomorrow with blood on my hands) but still. And yes there have been many Sally Bowles on stage, but none match the brilliance with which Liza was able to execute it. It's the role she was born to play, and it's the role we (at least most of us) all tend to associate with her, except if you're a hardcore Arrested Development fan. There is ONE Sally Bowles, just like there's one fucking King of Siam and that's Yul Brynner, therefore the former is Liza. As a proud gay man I will say that without reserve. And there was never a greater pairing between Liza Minnelli and Bob Fosse (discounting Liza Minnelli and Roy Halston). Fosse directed her to her Academy Award, won one himself for Best Director (a huge feat considering his biggest competition that year was F. F. Coppolla for The Godfather). I am seriously beside myself. I've read the Isherwood story 'I Am a Camera' which was adapted by Kander and Ebb (NYU alums what, what) into the musical 'Cabaret', which under the brilliant direction and choreography of Bob Fosse cemented its status as one of the most innovative and unique plays that ever danced across the Broadway stage. When the film adaptation premiered in 1971, lines to get into the theaters in New York were 6 blocks long. The work was so highly original and brilliantly executed, and everyone was basically born for the job they did. 

The dream team; Liza and Bob Fosse take a break between takes.

And again, coming back to the apex of this whole thing. Liza was born to play Sally Bowles. No other person before or since has done it remotely better or should even be considered...or remembered. I've never seen such a fusion of actor and character. It's as if they were the same person, which they kind of were when you think about it. 

Liza Minnelli and Joel Grey proudly hold up their Oscars in triumph especially considering Joel Grey beat out the entire supporting cast of The Godfather (1971)

And dear Liza, you in your black silk strap-on pantyhose, bowler hat, and under-lashes will always remain in my memory. Michelle go fuck yourself with something hard and sand-papery. Stop taking on roles that are clearly too big for your bland personality. Stick to shit like Blue Valentine (2009) where you just sulk for 2 hours straight. You're a great sulker. You don't fuck with a masterpiece. And if the next news I hear is that she's in a remake of Eyes Wide Shut (1999) opposite Liam Hemsworth, I'm definitely shooting the messenger that time.

Memories of how it used to be below: 

One Day Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Hollywood

Frances Farmer as a glamor girl. 

Last night I was feeling very shitty. One of those days you know, we've all been there. Instead of drowning headfirst in a tub of crappy no-real-strawberries-in-our-ice-cream strawberry ice cream, I decided to do something I think we all indulge in. Pick a movie in which the main character is in like a million times worse shape than you are. One such film is about one of my favorite actresses/hot messes Frances Farmer. The film is aptly titled Frances (1982) and stars a very young Jessica Lang who actually looks like the spitting image of Frances Farmer back in her heyday. Now she looks like someone left a plastic version of herself near the oven for too long. 

Frances in her fuck-it-all moment. Waiting in court to give a big finger to the judge.

Here's some background on Frances Farmer, the original. She was never a Hollywood player. She was a major bank draw and obsession of the studios for a while but never did she play by any of their bullshit rules. She drank, she smoked, and she never played the lady elegant. She talked to men like they were her equals; something pretty unheard of back in the 30's, and never shot the shit with anyone or kissed ass to get what she wanted. What she wanted was to be a serious actor, and in the middle of her height at the studio she made a midnight run to Broadway to be a 'serious actress' and fuck the shit out of her playwright Clifford Odettes (at that time, the darling of contraversial and relevant theater in New York). He dumped her so she was forced to come back and degrade herself for money, not as a hooker (which came later) but a different kind of prostitution; being the glamour girl to thousands of adoring horny Hollywood nuts. Eventually, she started going off her rocker, and was eventually institutionalized where she was sexually assaulted on a regular basis and then lobotomized. Her life was indeed a tragic one. Needless to say, it's one of those uplifting films where you can think to yourself 'hey I've got my problems, but I'm not that girl'. 

The late great.

The story of Frances Farmer is one of the most notorious and secretive in Hollywood because people don't want the world to know that sometimes this is what happens when you're reluctantly part of the machine. I think in a way, I love her. She took no shit, and she paid a very heavy price for it. We can all take lessons from it, and I hope one day we all will be able to. 

Below, Hollywood was patronizing enough to let Frances have her own This is Your Life moment, and she for some reason went along with it, though post-lobotomy was not exactly herself anymore. 

Below, trailer for the film based on her life, which is as accurate as I've ever seen a bio-pic be. 

Smashing Just Isn't What it Used to Be

  Derek, the arrogant, womanizing director of the Marilyn musical ends up having a passionate affair with Ivy, the ambitious young star of said musical, and surprise surprise, he's kind of just using her and doesn't care about her as much as she does about him. How shocking. 

It's 4 episodes into Smash (2012 - ), and I'm really started to get riled up, which is very cute to everyone around me, but I can't help feeling personally offended somehow by this show. Bare with me. 

As someone who knows entirely too much about Marilyn Monroe, and I'm talking about the real Marilyn-Norma-Jean-Miller-DiMaggio-Baker-Mortensen-Monroe, and not the two-dimensional poster child that Smash keeps making her out to be by stating asinine things like 'they never paid her as much as she was worth' and 'she said she didn't want to be made into a joke', barely scraping the surface of the intensely complex and layered character that she actually is, I am consistently annoyed that this show can't hire just one Marilyn historian, or at least do a couple hours of homework reading a biography or two. 

Look it's all fine to skim the surface when creating a Broadway musical about your subject and take creative liberties in order to punch out spectacular numbers with plenty of pizazz, but don't try to get serious by cramming in scenes between the writer and producer in which they lament over how sad Marilyn's life was over drinks like they've lived it. Please. 

Listen I haven't lived it either but I don't pretend to. 

Moving on, it's kind of a bad sign when by episode 4 you already hate every single principal character. They have been shoving all of their imperfections down our throats so blatantly that you can't help but be completely annoyed by all of them. Even the characters with whom we are all supposed to identify; Karen Cartwright the unlucky outsider, Ellis Tanchereon the lowly insignificant intern with ambition, Julia Houston the awkward but successful loner unlucky in love, and so on and so forth, but they have become the most repulsive characters on the roster. 

And now, they've brought in Nick Jonas and squeezed in a couple of Adele songs to make it more catchy, but it can't mask that the show is royally failing, just like it's musical. 

Ivy later seduces Nick Jonas, who plays this hot-shot teen star named Lyle West who's musical is worth 80 million dollars. She was feeling jealous that Derek inevitably reverted back to his womanizing ways and so it made it ok for her to have sex with a 15 year old. What?

Overall, this is supposed to be a show about the dog-eat-dog yet alluring world of the Great White Way and everyone in it; from the chorus to the star. It's supposed to be some kind of satiric tell-all about this business we call show, and how people will do anything, and anyone apparently to get to the top and stay there. It's trying to be the new television juggernaut that breaks down barriers by giving its audience an in to an otherwise exclusive atmosphere, but even the flashiest gimmicks cannot mask the terrible and trite writing and execution of this show. It is trying so hard to be a combination of All About Eve (1950) and A Star is Born (1954) through the All That Jazz (1979) filter, but it just doesn't have the originality, sincerity, and if you'll forgive me, gaul that its predecessors used to make themselves so memorable. 

And let me point out something extremely lacking and also extremely important to the whole scope of this series; Marilyn's raw sexuality. Poor Megan Hilty (who is cast as the titular character in the fictitious Marilyn musical) is very talented, and is a showbiz veteran, i'll give her that, but imitating Marilyn's high raspy voice, and sultry seductive movements is just not enough. It's just another notch in the doomed pastiche of television's fascination with musical theater. 

There is simply nothing sincere in any sexual scenario that is presented in Smash. Do impressionable ingenues sleep with producers for a part? Yes. Are busty blondes appealing to most audiences? Yes. Do affairs make it awkward for one to work with that same person later? Yes. We get it. You're not teaching us anything new Smash, and you're certainly not capturing the sexual spirit of Marilyn. 

If there is one more karaoke-bar scene, this show is going to officially pass into the kitschy fluff, And with lines like 'go back to the chorus, there's nothing safe about being a star' had me gagging on my chocolate chip ice cream. 

I'm going to give Megan Hilty an 'A' for effort, but it's going to take a lot more than a pearly white smile and tight-ass sweater to endear her character Ivy to the audience, and even more to make us believe that she can pull off Marilyn.  

I was going to let that 3rd episode slide, but now that we're on our 4th and you still haven't shown us anything really sincere or genuine about Marilyn or the world of Broadway, I'm going to go ahead and give you a second strike. One more left, hope you nail it. So to speak.