I don’t know about you but I
found the premiere of Season 6 of one of the most dynamic and incendiary shows
on TV right now to be somewhat of a snoozefest. It was all about showing us
symbolically (and sometimes outright) how people had changed in the time’s
passing. It’s almost 1970, and the men have grown ridiculous beards, including
Pete Campbell’s new mutton chops (I mean what the fuck was that).
The most interesting
transformation was that of Peggy who now seems more masculine in her new gig,
as if she’s becoming the new Don Draper, she has people coming to her for
advice, orders others around, hair cut more prim and proper and in total
control of her emotions. Cool as a cucumber, and androgynous as fuck.
Party like it's 1969. Drop your keys in the bowl on your way in.
This was needed because guess who’s
back? The OLD Don Draper. We find him wasted at Roger’s mother’s funeral and
throwing up which was hilarious, and then by the end of the finally he’s got
Lindsay Weir of all people (Linda Cardellini) lying on top of him. Basically,
Old Don is back. There’s no longer the soul-searching, happily married,
fatherly, sober, boring Don. Now the womanizer, the chain smoker, the boozer
Don is back, and I couldn’t be happier. Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce was
getting to be a bit drab, but now with Old Don, and Joan as silent partner (yet
not so silent) I have faith that even without Layne (rest in piece on a rope),
they will continue to thrive, mutton chops and all.
Trouble looming on the perfect marriage? Most definitely
The question remains is how are
they going to deal with the sexual revolution impending on everyone’s heads now
that the 70’s are looming and they’ve already taken acid trips and tried to see
the Rolling Stones in the flesh. The only thing left is wife swapping, so
getting with the times, I suppose Don is going to partake, while Roger gets
involved in a really gross 70’s orgy, the kind you see in the worst of John
Holmes movies, but those are questions waiting to be answered, and I for one
can’t wait. Hopefully this premiere episode wasn’t an indication because I’m
sick of all of the existential self-aggrandizement that Don experience mmmmmmm…every
single fucking episode. I want the old Don back, and I’m glad they’ve answered
my prayers.
(Warning:
Contains endless Arrested Development quotes) Let’s see, what do I do with my
time? Like what do I watch how do I keep current? Well since I have a job (It’s
something you apply for, and they pay you…) I only have about a couple hours a
day. One in the morning when I wake up and get ready, and one in the evening when I get home. After I work out, and before I shower and eventually crash. So I leave those time
slots open for my current sick obsession with everything Benedict Cumberbatch,
so I’m watching Sherlock (2010 - Present), which I’ve already blogged about, so douche chill…
The
only other show I watch is of course The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
(2009 - Present) because it makes me feel better about myself, though I have to watch it through a hole I cut in a paper plate because of all the HD shiny. As you know, I blog a
shit ton about that show as well. So basically outside my office, I have those
two things to tell me about the world around me. Skinny blonde bitches in
Loubitins and ridiculously complicated and convoluted crimes in England that
I’m too stupid to almost follow. But instead of silently saying a prayer that
they combine the two shows and have one of the housewives found in a pool of
her own blood(I can’t say which
one because ‘that’s a lawsuit’ but we all know who I mean) with Benedict
standing above her saying something smug and demeaning, I’ll get back and go
full circle (ugh, mixing metaphors) to the show I’ve loved the absolute most
since it entered my muddy world and made it beautiful back in 2003; Arrested
Development, which Netflix had the wherewithall to renew for a season showing
exclusively on their website (Them?)
They’ve basically told everyone
else to fuck off, even if it means them taking a chubby, they will suck it up.
Now, let’s get out of our excited-as-fuck skirt and put on our thought-process
Barbara Streisand in the Prince of Tides ass-masking pants suit.
I mean this is huge. The show was
cancelled almost 7 years ago and we STILL talk about it. It’s probably the
biggest hit cult series there is, and FOX execs are pieces of shit. I’m sorry,
but you are. But let’s not dwell on our anger. I want to go through that
beautiful magic of the first three seasons and decide finally who is the
biggest perv of the series. And I’ll tell you one thing, it’s probably not who
you’re thinking.
You’re thinking GOB because he
dates whores, underage girls, and throws freezing cold water over the shirts of
his entirely female baseball team and almost always makes an impromptu sexual
innuendo when speaking, but it’s not. That’s just part of his adorably
ridiculous character, that even I’ve grown to love.
Tobias' acting resume headshots
Next, you’re probably thinking
it’s Tobias, because literally everything that comes out of his mouth is a
sexual reference of some sort, usually attributed to the ‘is Tobias gay
question’ that always lingers in the background. But hey, you didn’t get any
body chocolate, and actually that’s not even his major arc so no dice on that
one.
Then we have the idiot somewhat
savant-ish brother Buster, who is one hell of a freak. He comes home sometimes
at 7, 8 at night, peanut brittle on his breath, and builds pillow forts with
Liza Minelli. I mean he’s a fraaaak. But he’s completely clueless. Remember
when he was dating Michael’s rabid assistant and terrified when she wanted to
take things to the next level? Mother complex or not, he’s an innocent.
'my own brother...Michael'
Then of course we have Michael.
The hopeless romantic who’s ‘sensitive like a woman’, and just can’t help
himself when it comes to a gal with a giggly smile and a pair of soft blue
eyes, the lack of sex with which would make anyone crave a 15$ thing of candy
beans. But it is his romanticism that crosses him off the perv ladder, because
all he’ll ever do to you in bed is hold you close and whisper shit in your ear
and you’d get bored if not for the wondrous adorable-ness of him.
If you were thinking Lucille all
along, then ding ding ding. You’ve won the grand prize, which is respect from
me. Think of it, she’s the classic pervert, more so than any of the men in her
life put together. She seduced not only George Sr. but his brother Oscar, and
can basically make them do anything she wants (More touching!). She likes to go
‘downtown’ and being ‘lied on’ rather than ‘lied to’. And that wink of hers could be the most
perverted thing I’ve ever seen, but at least we don’t have to ‘say goodbye to
these because it’s the last time!!!’ because I have no doubt we’ll be seeing
them on Netflix soon enough. Now get me a Vodka rocks. But it’s breakfast? And a
piece of toast.
Her?
Honorable mention goes to: Kitty,
George’s fiercely loyal assistant, Maeby for her obsession with idiot Steve
Holt and unabashed attraction to her own cousin, Marla Michael’s assistant who
was bitten by a rabid dog and has a cryptic attachment to Quincy Jones, and of
course, Lucille II…because it’s Liza and that’s all I need. I leave you with the best of...
I can't decide whether to refer to Kristen Stewart as a 'ho' or a 'slut' so I'll just refer to her as a ho-slut.
It finally happened folks. It's everything I've hoped it would be. My house could be on fire and I'd still have a smile on my face because Kristen Stewart beloved skinny bitch of tweens everywhere has done the unspeakable. She put a penis in her mouth that was NOT Robert Pattinson's. I hope she's aware that hell hath no fury like a 12 year-old team Edward Twi-hard. And shit is about to hit some serious fan. She was already pretty seriously loathed by the 12-13 suburbanite delusional girl with brain problems (which is apparently a huge demographic) and also by the likes of me, people in their 20's with lives and responsibilities who still find time in our schedule to feel unbridled hate for her, the reasons of which we are still unsure of.
At this point I'm wondering why people let her outside or let her speak. She's very awkward and says things like 'being a celebrity is like being raped' and then cheats on the #1 masturbation fodder of tweens all over the country, I mean how much more can this girl fuck up? Not only is this a cheating fiasco, Rupert Sanders, her mistress is married with kids, oh and by the by he's about 20 years older than her. I guess it must be her irresistible pasty-ass skin, adorable mumbling, ridiculous fashion sense and overall standoffishness, not to mention those remarkably sexy A-cups. How could any man say 'no'. She also mentioned that her favorite movie of all time is American Beauty (1999) so cleeeeeeeeearly, she's got a good head on those broad shoulders.
The new happy couple; Kristen in an ill-fitting man's suit and married with kids director Rupert Sanders. I don't know about you, but I don't see this working out.
Basically, bitch needs to close her legs to married men, as soothsayer and master of everything Real Housewife of Atlanta NeNe Leaks would say. Now, let's move on to the real trag-fest of this whole situation; the love-life of Robert Pattinson. I'm sure it couldn't have been too pleasant shoving his vampire dick into a dark and morose cave where bats live, but I have no doubt he'll recover pretty quickly, like there's any shortage of awkwardly adorable early 20-somethings with nipples that look like zits that would me more than willing to take K-Stew's place in Robert Pattinson's Crate and Barrell customized bed. If you are a 90 pound brunette with a general disdain for humanity, step right up and let's start a who's next to date Robert Pattinson sweepstakes. I've compiled a short list. Consider me the Patti Stanger of hipster couples. Sarah Hyland, she's perky and she's age-appropriate. She's also funny at times. Not too smart, but hey neither was your last girlfriend. Noomi Rapace, she's older, but she's also really cool (which I know is important to Robert Pattinson) and she's got an accent. I think Elizabeth Moss is available but she's nowhere near hot enough for you. How about date someone else British and go for Rose Byrne, that's always a safe bet. She has manners, grace, a beautiful rack and she's hotter than fuck. So I think that might be a perfect option for you.
The old happy couple, hot, annoying, and united in their not-caring about anything.
Stewart issued perhaps the least articulate apology I've ever heard that people actually called 'sincere' but to me it sounds like something you hand write in pink pen and put hearts and smiley-faces all over before you pass it on to your crush in middle school. It went like this - 'This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.' Kinda short no? I'm not buying it, and Rob if you're listening, don't buy it either. I think if anything, this is going to escalate ratings for the last installment of Breaking Dawn Part II (2012)because everyone (including myself) will be going to watch the unbridled sexual tension and mutual violent hatred the two principals will be feeling for each other and whether they are able to hide it well enough during their already awkward love scenes, maybe it will make them better and you know...sexy.
Below Breaking Dawn Part II trailer. Who's getting pre-sale tickets? I am!
