Matter of Time...Always.

Speaks for itself.

Let's be real. Were any of us rooting for these two to settle down and make horrifically basic babies? Half country bumpkin, half awkward trust fund do-nothing? Too soon? Not really because we really did see it all coming. And if you didn't you're a liar. I've been of the opinion now for a while that Taytay dates solely for the purpose of material. And hey she's young, I mean by Southern standards, she's an old maid, but since when was she actually country? Those cowboy boots were more hipster than Nashville. 

Hey remember when this was 'texting'? Me neither, and definitely not you Taylor.

That lady needs some counseling, I mean we all do, but that's not always how you deal with grief, and boyfriend problems. And if you lead a real life (which she doesn't) are not real grief. Get on some Lexapro, take up pottery, and please stop air your period-blood soaked dirty laundry into all of our ears. It got old right around the John Mayer era. Look at bands like ABBA, Fleetwood Mac, Sonny and Cher for chrissake. Rumors (by Fleetwood Mac) was an album made by and for people cheating on each other. It's one of the greatest albums of all time, and 'Don't Stop' was President Bill Clinton's campaign song. Can you picture a Swift song being in a campaign? Didn't think so. 

One album. 11 songs. Perfect. Done and done.

You are far from writing about real heartache sister. Please give it a rest. You're not Billie Holiday, Etta James, or even Amy Winehouse. 'Back in Black' is towers above any garbage about the grab bag of celebrities that you've ever dated. And that's one song...against your entire career. Sorry love. And I hate to say this but it's what we're all thinking...Maybe it's not them, maybe it's you sugar plum. If you've had a bad break up with every single person you've dated maybe you're the problem. 

I will give you this one - you finally found a teensy bit of heart, and a really cool beat (which you sampled from an 80's synthesizer) in 'Out of the Woods' off of 1989 (I can't say that without gagging, excuse me). And it's a very beautiful song, reflecting on how we all as women have felt in our relationship, not just us in high school or even middle school. It wasn't 'why won't he call me back? This totally sucks, I can't even' which is basically the stripped down narrative to most of her music. it's written about a not-so -secret crush of mine Harry Styles (formerly of One Direction) Go ahead and judge, I reject your judgement. He, in turn, wrote 'Perfect' about her ...allegedly.

'And if you're looking for someone to write your break up songs about, baby I'm perfect' Nailed it. 

Please spare us a Calvin Harris record. Courtney Love even refused to do a 'widow record' after Kurt Cobain died, even though there was a lot of pressure from her label. So how about putting that laundry back in a dark closet and just generally keeping your mouth shut for a while. And I've seen your interviews. Don't tell me songs were 'sometimes too hard to write' like you're Dylan Thomas or somebody. You're a millenial who serial dates. There's about a billion of them. God help you if you ever get a Tinder account. Actually that might be unintentionally campy and amazing. Please do a Tinder date horror story record. I am begging you now. It will be way more interesting than the whiney basic stuff you've been shoving down our throats for over 6 years now.  

Below clips: 

Taylor at the height of her pretentiousness, totally ripped off Lana Del Rey's 'Born to Die'. 

Amy Winehouse explains the lyrics to the haunting 'Back to Black' produced by Mark Ronson. 

One Direction's performs 'Perfect' at the AMA's. Probably the only song about Taytay to throw some shade. Because most people just don't give a shit anymore. 

I'm THAT Jew...

No preface, just inspired by the 'I'm That Jew' slam poetry super cut. As OITNB's Cindy said 'It feels good to be chosen'. PS. I omitted iconic members of my tribe like Spielberg, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Jonah Hill, etc. I just don't have that much time. Pouring out a glass of Manischewitz for my homies...

That Tattoo'd and Can't Be Buried in a Jewish Cemetery Jew...

Adam Levine

The My Mother is Jewish Therefore I'm Jewish Jew...

James Franco

That Really Annoying Giggly Jew...

Natalie Portman 

That Hotter Beyond All Reason Jew...

Mila Kunis

That Bad Boy Jew...

Sean Penn

That Original Bad Boy Jew...

Robert Downey Jr. 

That Giggles and Ha-Ha's Jew...

Andy Samberg

That Still Funny After All This Time Jew...

David Schwimmer (Pivot!)

That Uber Nerd Jew...

Jesse Eisenberg

That Head of a Reality TV Empire Jew...

Andy Cohen

That All Too Jewish Looking Jew...

Adrien Brody

That Not Jewish Looking At All Jew...

Alicia Silverstone

That Still Hot For Nearly 50 Jew...

Sarah Silverman

That Still Hot and In His 60's Jew...

Jeff Goldblum (Life uh uh...finds a way. And, you're welcome)

That British Jew...

Daniel Radcliffe

That Other British Jew...

Andrew Garfield

That Voice of a Generation Jew...

Amy Schumer

That He Grew Up Nice Jew...

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

That Gone All Too Soon Jew...

Amy Winehouse

That Hot for Four Decades Jew...

Jennifer Connelly

That Soviet Defector Russian Jew...

Sergey Brin (Holla! ...or Challah!)

That OG Hot Jew...

Dustin Hoffman

That Get Your Hands Off Him That's My Husband Jew...

Joaquin Phoenix

That Get Your Hands Off Her That's My Wife Jew...

Rashida Jones

That I Did It All For America Jew...

Evan Lysacek

That No I Will Not Quaf My Jew-Fro Jew...

Slash

That Hug It Out Bitch Jew...

Jeremy Piven

That Somewhat Menacing Jew...

Jake Gylenhaal

That One Jew to Rule Them All Jew...

That Reason For Your Sexual Awakening Jew...

The My Mom Made Me Include Him On This List Jew...

Seth Rogen

That Seth Rogen's Best Friend and Perfect Jew Jew...

Jason Segel

Below the video I was talking about...

And then some other stuff. L'Chaim!

We Only Said Goodbye With Words

Amy in her element, beautiful and in charge. 

Last week, I went to see the much talked about documentary on the recently departed Amy Winehouse, simply titled AMY. Directed by esteemed documentarian Asif Kapadia, I was really hesitant and also extremely excited. To tell a story like Amy's is something usually reserved for a VH1 Behind the Music special. But with docs taking center stage of late and Kurt Cobain: A Montage of Heck being hailed as one of the best retrospectives on the icon ever, I was optimistic that it would be more than just the rise and fall of a shooting star that gave us so much and left us too soon. 

I didn't want the cheap force-crying tricks that come with documenting a story of a troubled yet vastly talented public figure whom we uncover as having a self-destructive streak peppered with personal demons blah blah blah...blah. No, it's not that at all. Kapadia painted a portrait of Amy as something more than just a girl gifted from the universe with one of the most unique voices and a self-destructive streak that rivals Cobain's. This was a new breed of documentary. It was simply put, the story of one's life, it just so happens that it was tragic story, and the life was that of a public figure. I don't remember the last time I cried at a movie much less cried throughout, and I'm not exaggerating. Every time Amy sang in archival footage I was bawling to the point where people around me were side-eyeing me to death. I didn't care. I was hit right in the gut with this one. 

Younger and healthier Amy, always writing, always making music. 

There are two ways to tell Amy's story; both of them cop outs. Amy the singer or Amy the addict. This was neither of these. Of course you can't have a documentary without either of those elements, but more than anything else, this was Amy the girl. And though it was told through many people close to her; her manager, her father (the scumbag), her ex-husband (the even bigger scumbag), her best friend, and others as well as through her own words, the most powerful way her story is told is through her songs. We all bought 'Back to Black' upon release in 2007, but hearing those very familiar songs again in this context was a flooring experience. I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to the album the same way again. 

Amy with then-husband Blake Fielder-Civil, whom many blame for Amy's rapid deterioration. I don't disagree, there were a lot of people that were not only bad influences but were leeches basically in her life, and he was definitely predominantly the worst one.  

I did some research (well, barely the minimum on Google) but turns out, just a month into the film's release, it's already one of the most successful documentaries ever released, it's almost hit the mark that An Inconvenient Truth is at, and it's no surprise. Here's the thing, and this is why I keep comparing her to Cobain (who also recently had a doc that came out about him). She was incredibly public. Her ups and downs (mostly downs) were splattered across front pages like we've never seen. Second to Britney Spears she was probably followed, chased, and photographed more than anyone else. We saw her with her eye make up smeared all over her face, with blood on her neck, with torn up shoes, we even saw her with drugs in her hands, and we always saw her drink. This was someone not trying to conceal anything, and yet this was someone who (as the documentary says) was trying to disappear. And we wouldn't let her. 

It's one of those 'we all know what happens in the end' films, but who cares? Like anything else, we still crave answers as to why, and the beauty of this documentary is that it doesn't give you answers. It gives you the circumstances and lets you figure it out for your damn self, because it treats you like a smart person who can put shit together on their own. 

Beautiful portrait of Amy utilized for marketing of the documentary.

We all knew where we were July 23rd, 2011 (I was in an Apple store getting my phone screen fixed jebus), and it's not like the world would never be the same after that. We kind of all expected it. Amy was a time-bomb. It wasn't a crushing blow like the death of Robin Williams, or even Whitney Houston. We don't want to admit it but during her life, we all kind of thought; well someone that is THAT self-destructive is not going to last long and she didn't publicly show any signs of getting better, in fact her condition deteriorated. I'd like to think she was more like Edie Sedgwick than any rock god in the '27 club'. She's a person we were and still are absolutely fascinated with, and we all wanted a piece of her. She died quietly when her demons finally got the better of her, and who knows what she would have been capable of later in life had it not been cut off so abruptly. I think her idol; Tony Bennett put it best in the doc when he said; 'If I could, I would tell her 'slow down, you are too important'. I couldn't even write that without welling up (full disclosure). When you hopefully go in to watch the film after reading this blog post, know that it's not the story of someone's personal or professional life, although that's part of the content. It's about the music she gifted us with, and the soul from whence it came (god that sounds pretentious). Amy herself put it best; 'I'm not a girl trying to be a star...I'm just a girl who sings'. Playing now, please see it. And please have a good cry. 

Below, trailer, and some clips of her. 

Really Distasteful Halloween Costume Ideas

Yes, we are all aware that just like Sarah Palin in 2008, this year Miley's VMA outfit is going to be everywhere this Halloween. But did you ever think to dress up like Sarah Palin's child with downs? Didn't think so? Or perhaps just Miley's tongue? Here are some ideas that are sure to be not PC at all and really work as a conversation starter.

1. Amy Winehouse's Ghost. If you're into really looking terrifying for Halloween what better way to start. Amy looked like a walking corpse a long time before she kicked the bucket, so you wouldn't even have to work so much on the 'undead' look. Just pale yourself up a bit, it helps if you're seriously thin, and then do the beehive hairdo and the Cleopatra eyes. Or you can come as her date and bring a beehive wig duct taped to a broomstick. 

2. Casey Anthony. Now this is going to get even the liveliest, friendliest party all riled up. Get the big fly-eye sunglasses, a notebook, and a smug look on your face and if you want to go balls to the wall tasteless you can get a doll, cover it with death paint and scream 'not guilty' into people's faces. 

3. Melissa Gorga. For those of you not in the know, Melissa was a new edition to the Real Housewives of New Jersey clusterfuck being Teresa Guidice's sister-in-law and also the youngest and prettiest of all of them. So this one is easy, as much body glitter and fake tanning as you can find, a really skimpy outfit and try to self-autotune your voice whenever speaking. Also, it really helps if you carry around a book that you've made a hard cover of that reads 'I Advocate Marital Rape'

4. Don Draper's Conscience. This one is easy. Just wear all black, or a cape and say it's an invisibility cloak because he doesn't have one. Get it?

And I just had to leave you with this...