I Have Something For You to Watch on Halloween

One of the more memorable scenes from the film. Can't tell you what's going on though, and it's hurting my soul.

The VVitch came out of nowhere, and I do mean nowhere. Shot in some desolate woods in Canada over 25 days by a freshman director who looks like he just stumbled out of the most hipster hipster bar in Los Angeles, I had heard things about it. Mostly that it was legit the most terrifying, unsettling film that will make your blood run cold. I was assuming this was coming from people who had never seen The Shining, or Rosemary's Baby, or The Exorcist. But now that I too have seen it, I will gladly put The VVitch into that group. I've read Arthur Miller's The Crucible more times than I care to remember and the Salem Witch Trials were never handled with that much honesty and brevity since. 

Does this not remind you of a certain famous painting?

But this is not about that. And the parallels between it and the New Testament were so subtle, nuanced, and brilliant it made me think; 'wow, hipsters can direct'. Robert Eggers, barely 32 (so exactly my age) cast a film with an all British (with the exception of one Scot) cast for this unsettling horror-type movie. I'm hesitant to call it a horror movie, even though that's how it's been marketed. To me, it's a period piece; a bleak drama much like There Will Be Blood with a lot of seriously disturbing images and themes. This is not a film for your parents or for the faint of heart, seriously you've been warned. 

I am not going to give away any spoilers, what I will give you is the premise. Set maybe a few years prior to Salem, a Puritan family is banished for the patriarch's disagreements with his elders about interpretations in the Bible. Defiant, he moves his family; wife Catherine, daughter Thomasin, son Caleb, and two really annoying twins around 5 or so to the wilderness...oh and there's a newborn who's pivotal to the story. What he was thinking I don't know, but it's his pride that spurred the journey and that's already giving stuff away. Now, anyone who is a horror purist knows that only bad shit can happen to you in isolation in the woods. The daughter Thomasin is the central character, who is about to reach 'womanhood' i.e. puberty, and the parents discuss selling her to another family so she can properly deal with it, which was not uncommon at the time. They are completely isolated save for their farm animals one of which is a surly black goat with giant horns called Black Phillip. The twins claim that he speaks to them and they speak back, and as we know, when animals do that and only little kids notice it, it's a common horror trope. But then it launches into a whirlwind of bizarre and such visceral happenings that you WILL have trouble sleeping at night. Even though you live in the middle of the city and don't own any goats. 

Black Phillip

What is beautiful about the film is the pacing (borrowed no doubt from Ingmar Bergman) where it emphasizes the feeling of degradation and isolation and eventually hopelessness and loss of faith. The other major aesthetic (borrowed from Kubrick no doubt) is the decision to shoot exclusively with natural light. And anyone who has ever made a movie, whether a 3-hour opus or a student film knows that negating your Omni's is basically film suicide. But to get the authentic feel the director strove for, it paid off.

Again, can't say what's happening. It's not a cliché exorcism I can tell you that much.

Now, you're probably thinking, they are in the wilderness near creepy woods, the film is called The VVitch...there's a witch in the woods, bam, you solved the puzzle...NOPE! And if you want to know what's actually up, guess what, WATCH IT. Stay home from the lame Halloween party you were invited to where everyone will be dressed as either Donald Trump or someone from Orange is the New Black, and just cuddle up with a pet or a stuffed animal like a child because no matter how tough you think you are, this movie will crawl under your skin and scare the life out of you. 

The climax of the film...have I left a good cliffhanger?

It was so impressive to see a film that was not only shot for under 2 million, made the rounds at Sundance and got picked up by A24, but that resurrected a genre that's basically become a parody of itself. If we label it a horror film, it's definitely up there with the aforementioned Rosemary's Baby, The Shining, etc. And it was directed by a guy who's basically the bastard child of Polanski, Bergman, and Kubrick; not a bad label to have. AND it's his first film. This was such a relief and single handedly restored my faith in the genre while making me slightly suicidal. Just kidding, but it did stick with me for so long and so strongly that I'm still not able to shake it off. 

Oh and in its defense, people were wondering why the fuck it's spelled the way it's spelled and that's because that's what pamphlets that made rounds in the colonies around that time looked like when they were asking people to beware of VVitches. It's not a hipster thing...well maybe a little bit. There I just gave you Halloween plans, you're welcome. 

Trailer below. 

Ode to Jared Leto

Adorbs...and flawless Ombre I might add. Better than mine. 

Alright, my blog has been rather silent lately, so let's just write some shit shall we? Especially after a sex dream, that's the best time to do it. Salvador Dalí and Luis Buñuel used to do that in order to make one of the treasures of Experimental Cinema - Un Chein Andalou (1929) so why not? Yeah, I just compared myself to Dali and Bunuel, I'm definitely sex-crazed enough. I think I would have fit right in with their trifecta at Residencia de Estudiantes with Lorca hanging out watching the Spanish sunrise over a bottle of champagne talking about art before Franco's revolution chased them out...ok getting way off track here. 

Let's talk about the obvious thing I want to talk about. The prettiest Oscar winner we've seen in a while...no not Lupita N'Yongo, and quite honestly there's a celebrity cult around her and if you're at all on twitter or follow indiewire on Facebook you'll notice that every other post is about her, so let's just not even. She's awesome, good for her, the end. No I'm talking about the scruffy-poet looking, bow-tie wearin', mom-lovin' slice of heaven that was Jared Leto at the Oscars. I mean it couldn't have been more perfect. During award season, he was playful and at times borderline offensive, getting seriously scolded for his 'insensitive' remarks after winning his Golden Globe, but for the Oscars he really stepped up to the plate. And quite frankly I'm against the rumors that someone was paid to write that Obama-esque speech for him. There were tears in his eyes when he gushed about his mother, and you just can't fake that...unless you're an actor and you're really good which he obviously is, but still. Those were some real tears. Aside from that he had some good ol' fashioned fun. Whom else would you rather photobomb if not Anne Hathaway? She deserve to get photobombed basically every time she poses in my opinion, and Jared looked so much hotter than her anyway, I was embarrassed FOR her. He took selfies with him and the Oscar sign, and even participated in the silly pizza ordering gimmick, giving his slice to (again) his mommy. I was just melting. 

Leto as Rayon (light on the weight, but a heavy character to carry with him all the time which is actually what I heard he did during the production of Dallas Buyers Club (2013))

Most of us don't really remember Jared Leto since his arm slicing days in Requiem for a Dream (2000) considering he was barely recognizable in Chapter 27 (2007) where he played John Lennon's killer Mark David Chapman and weighed roughly 100 pounds more (I wonder if he went off veganism for that, probs). 

Considered ever the method actor, and always very dedicated to his roles, his weight loss and ahem...waxing for the role of Rayon in Dallas Buyer's Club (2013) was not the first in which he had to go a dramatic transformation. Poor man, he's been at it longer than Christian Bale, and doesn't get any notice for it like the latter does. 

Again, barely recognizable as Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27 (2007)....yes co-starring Lindsay Lohan, now acting opposite her is a feat for anyone. 

I remember him as the flannel clad, always strumming an acoustic guitar, pretty boy in the short lived 90's cliche'd series My So Called Life (1994 - 1995) and then maybe some easy-to-digest softy 90's films before he reappeared ripped and cut with bleach blonde hair as Angelface in the quintessential movie of the 90's; Fight Club (1999) For which I'm sure he had to really work out. I mean he played a mean fighter until Edward Norton kicked his ass. 

We all remember THIS guy...I think some of us dated this guy in high school. 

Then he was smart enough to work with Mary Harron as Patrick Bateman's doppleganger who gets brutally murdered by an ax in perhaps the funniest murder scene that exists on cinema; American Psycho (2000). But that's as far as I'll go on listing his credits, basically he took a 4 year hiatus from acting to focus on his band, all fine...but seriously Jared you robbed us of a good 4 years of material here. Now that we all know what you're capable of please don't ever do that to us again. And may I remind you that he was actually the oldest to be nominated in is category. He's older than Fassbender, yeah if that's what you're wondering only he looks like he's about 5 years younger. I guess all that Yoga and vegan diet does him good. I couldn't do it though...because when (not if) we date, I need cheese. Fancy, French, stinky cheese. It might come down to a Sophie's Choice of Jared Leto or cheese...and quite honestly I can't answer that right now. Anyway, again getting off track. Jared proved to us Oscar night that he is one of the best in the business and not just a pretty face that can put on or lose a tremendous amount of weight for a project with a killer voice, he's a captivating talent and also in a class by himself. You know me and my penchant for comparing contemporary actors to dead actors of the Golden Age, but I just can't here. Which is probably a good thing. Keep at it Jared...also call me.

Dallas Buyer's Club (2013) Trailer

Chapter 27 (2007) trailer 

Leto as Paul Allen in one of the best films (if not the best film of the new Millenium; American Psycho (2000)) 'Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now you fucking stupid bastard!' 

Music video for 'City of Angels'; off 30 Seconds to Mars' latest album...he's a Renaissance man. 

Sinéad to Miley: Stop Being a Video Ho

Climb off that wrecking ball and clean yourself up at once young lady.

Miley's latest video for her new single 'Wrecking Ball' has people in more public outrage than when she appeared semi-nude showing her whole back (what a whore) in Vanity Fair at 16. This video is pretty racy folks, I was kind of disgusted myself. Not from the fact that it has no artistic merit and hits the wrecking ball over the head too much with it's metaphors, or that Miley is swinging naked from a wrecking ball, like any of us need to see that shit. No, it's that her and her director the renowned photographer Terry Richardson, known for taking incendiary and often nude photographs of salacious superstars, dared to claim that the video was based on Sinéad O'Connor's seminal and still unforgettable minimalist music video for 'Nothing Compares 2 U'. Yes, she was the first one to use numbers and letters instead of actual words, deal with it.

In essence, Miley is likening herself to Sinéad which is simply ridiculous. First of all, Sinéad actually wrote all of her music, second of all, if we're talking about stirring up contraversy, Sinéad has this one in the bag. Tweking on Robin Thicke, yeah it's disgusting. But have you torn up a picture of the pope on live television? I don't think so. And I'm sorry as shocking as Sinéad's behavior was in the early 90's, she still maintained her dignity. She didn't simulate fellatio to a mallet, which is I'm sorry so unsanitary, especially if in the prior scene you were using said mallet to break cinder blocks...it's a weird video. 

Terry Richardson with Miley Cyrus. A match made in contrived controversy to get back at one's ex-boyfriend.

I get it Miley, you broke up with your boyfriend whom you were engaged to for a hot minute, and you're only 20 fucking years old. I'm sure that's how old most people are when they tie the knot in the bible belt, but you'll get over it. And as Sinéad is saying, careful what you wish for because basically girl, you're being pimped by your producers and your record company. You no longer have the protective shield of Disney that would cover your ass even if you ran over a person while high on meth with two liters of vodka in your system. Now you're on your own, and no one, believe me no one, wants to see your naked ass swinging back and forth on anything, even Britney or Christina during her X-tina phase didn't stoop so low, at least give some kind of context if you're going full tilt boogie. I remember Christina's video for 'Dirrty' which was like a pop-culture fatwa against bubble-gum pop, where she donned ass-less chaps and simulated a bare-knuckle boxing match with some other chick grinding on everything that moved, but that was par-for-the-course of the content of the song. 

Perhaps the only similarity between Miley and Sinéad O'Connor is their lack of hair.

This song is about heartbreak, depression, and loss, which is what 'Nothing Compares 2 U' is essentially about, but they didn't need any gimicks to make it one of the most memorable videos of all time, they just needed Sinéad to belt it as emotionally as possible, which is what she did. And then she gave the finger to the music industry and became some kind of weird priest in a break-off Catholic sect, whatever doesn't matter. But, seriously Miley we get that you're all grown up, but it's becoming a little to gratuitous. Yes, you're easier on the eyes than Lena Dunham but we really don't need to see you naked all the time, just because Terry Richardson says it's ok. Here is Sinéad's open letter to Miley: Sinéad O'Connor's open letter to Miley Cyrus

The two videos below: 

A Royal Affair Reminds Us That Romance Is Indeed Dead

American poster for the film

 I seriously cannot believe it's taken me so long to watch A Royal Affair (2012) but it's been sitting quietly in my Netflix queue until the other day when I was driving up Sunset Blvd. and saw Madds Mikkelsen in a very ill-fitting pair of suede pants (yes, suede in May) walking down the street towards The Coffee Bean. I've heard pieces about it here and there, most of them good, but no one saying it's pretty damn close to a perfect movie, which it completely is. 

An affair begins in shadows. How's that for pretentious?

It is a Danish historical drama that made the rounds at some important festivals last year and even landed a nomination for Best Foreign Language Film at last years Oscars, shamefully it didn't win.

It tells the true story of a British princess betrothed to a psychotic and somewhat slow-in-the-head Danish king and is forced to relinquish all over her customs, language, and family and move to Denmark to begin a bizarre life with a bizarre man. Although The Princess Caroline Mathilde (Alicia Vikander) is unbelievably beautiful, like right out of a Botticelli painting beautiful,  the king does not enjoy 'visiting her bed chamber' if ya know what I mean, because he'd rather get wasty-pants and do it with some nasty hooker, his words...no seriously. But it's in Danish so it doesn't sound so trashy. 

The requisite naked-in-a-copper-bathtub scene, every period piece has one, it's in the rule books somewhere.

Time passes, and the king (Mikkel Følsgaard) grows more more and more despondent and insane due to what his trusted advisers believe to be 'excessive masturbation', so they audition doctors from far and wide to be the king's personal physician. Out of the few that make the rounds is a strangely attractive and mysterious small-town idealist and cheerleader for the incoming Enlightenment movement of Rousseau, Voltaire, and John Locke (and others that character names from Lost were based on) doctor named Johann Struensee (Madds Mikkelsen). It's beyond obvious that sooner or later this young impressionable now-queen and idealist doctor will begin a passionate love affair as she has a secret gateway to her bed chamber, and no that's not code for anything, that's actually in the film. I mean, he's the only one who doesn't wear powdered wigs and rouge, with those ridiculous white silk stalkings they thought looked so fly back in the 18th century. 

Madds has that rugged primal manliness...thing that you just can't put your finger on, you just know it's there, although you'd like to put your finger on it.

It's a bit obvious the queen is in need of some real man-lovin' and he's more than obliged to give it to her, but you know what? They end up falling in love, and everything falls apart as it does when love gets in the way of really steamy caressing and intercourse set to classical music. But as a historical drama it works brilliantly. It tells the actual love story and the tragedy of it, although totally inevitably, in such a passionate way that you still fall for it, and by the end of it are wiping away tears saying how you would totally give up all your worldly possessions and live in exile as she's eventually forced to if you could have a love affair like that, but you won't because it's 2013, and shit like internet dating exists. 

I swear 18th century costumes make any plot line sexier. That's also on the books.

It's brilliantly shot, and executed, and as a film is almost pitch perfect in narrative, aesthetic, and every other possible detail. Every time I see a costume that astounds me I immediately thought 'take that Sofia Coppola!' and that's always a good thing. This is a film that gets it right, and really reminds us that true love and romance did in fact exist at one point, where people sacrificed everything for it, and it's not like Grey's Anatomy at all out there, you just would have had to have lived 200 years ago, when there was no indoor plumbing. So you take the good with the bad. But seriously, watch this film. It's streaming on Netflix. I don't want any excuses.

Trailer below: 

Compliance: The Most Contraversial Film of this New Decade

Dreama Walker reduced to sitting naked in the backroom with nothing but an apron to cover herself up with, not even knowing how much worse it's about to get for her.

If you thought the torture scenes in Zero Dark Thirty (2012) were rough to swallow, once you turn on compliance make sure you have an air sickness bag nearby. Here are a few reasons why, and they may be double standards, but those exist for a reason too. 1, the torture occurring in this dark indie sleeper hit are occurring in your very own back yard and not in a black sight somewhere not on a map in the middle east. 2. They are occurring to a woman, basically a girl barely out of her teens rather than some nameless affiliate of the Taliban. Here's the plot and I'll try to avoid spoiler alerts when I can. 

In the beginning of the film Becky (Dreama Walker) was just another 19 year old girl working a part time job at a fast food restaurant.

based on more actual occurrences we would like to admit, the film takes place mostly in a low-level fast food restaurant where a mysterious caller phones in telling the easily manipulated manager that he's with the police and a woman who matches the description for a young thin blonde, which of course could be anybody was caught on surveillance stealing money from a customer. She is then subjected to increasingly degrading and dehumanizing tasks, most of which involve forced sexual activity on another. After the mysterious caller is realized to be a prankster, basically the manager who has forced this poor employee to such horrors is beside herself and can't ever recover for how she was manipulated into doing something like that to an innocent person.

Anne Dowd, the Fast food restaurant manager being asked not only to perform a strip search without a supervising witness but to comply with things much worse.

his film cuts immediately to the bone. It tugs at our most vulnerable heart strings, as do most things when we see innocent people punished and dehumanized in such cruel ways, and what's more difficult to believe is that this happens basically all the time all over rural America where people don't even think twice to ask proof of law enforcement such as a badge or a search and seizure warrant. It's cinema verite style makes it even more difficult to take in, but that much more relevant and important. Not only is Dreama Walker brilliant as the innocent victim in all of this, but the star is Anne Dowd, who is actually perhaps the bigger victim as she gets blindly conned into subjecting one of her employees to such horrors. This is a vital film for everyone to see, not only because of the daring exposé on something that has been rather glamorized in our culture, case and point 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Sometimes it's good to take a deep breath and look at the darker side of sadomasochism, and this is just the film to do that. 

Trailer below: 

Housewives Stuff...I Guess

So basically Brandi did the worst thing possible to do or say about someone and alleged that Adrienne had all of her children via surrogate. It was petty mean girl gossip and it was just as incendiary as something like that would be expected to be. It was a cry for attention at best.

Dear readers, I am beyond remorseful that I have not been able to give  you any material for almost an entire month. Unfortunately I have been kept so busy that aside from not having time to write anything, I haven't had time to watch anything to write about. The only thing I allow myself is time to download episodes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010 - ) and keep on in the background on my daily commute to work. It is literally all I have been kept current on aside from the news. And even then, not so current. For example, I have not watched the episode from this past Monday, it's still downloading to my computer! But let me pretend I have...Brandi makes excuses for being a seriously low-class bitch, Adrienne keeps saying 'That's sooooooo rude' in her Californians-from-SNL twang and being 'outraged', Lisa has problems at SUR with something or other, the varnish I don't know...Taylor is annoying, Yolanda is boring, Kim and Kyle are not getting along, and dun dun dun FAYE shows up! 

Remember Faye? When she first appeared on RHOBH she was referred to quite ironically by Camille Grammer as 'the morally reprehensible Faye Resnick'. For those of you not in the know, Faye was a close and dear friend of Nicole Brown Simpson and testified against OJ during his trial. Camille initially alleged that Faye was degenerate because she did a spread for Playboy within a few months of the trial's conclusion, as if Camille didn't do any spreading in Playboy herself, but that's old gravy.

Faye looks like the quintessential Beverly Hills housewife, more so than any of the principal cast themselves. With all of the technology that has progressed breast-augmentation to an art form, it makes wonky 90's implants that much easier to spot because they look like someone stuck a coconut bra on a woman and painted it flesh-colored. 

Faye Resnick's Playboy spread, believe me, the black squares are a fucking favor.

Also, she has one of those unfortunate melted-face looks and the weave is not fooling anyone. All of that being said, she's actually not that bad of a person, you just have to see beyond the enhancements. Anyway, I'm not sure what went down, but I'll find out tonight. Frankly, Faye is not that interesting of an addition to the narrative because she brings too much common sense and not enough high-school-type dramarific buzzfeed to the little group within which we are seeing just a few too many cracks of late. 

Also, not sure if I'm on Brandi's side anymore. Not that I'll ever be on Miss Maloof's side either, so for now I'm putting myself on team Lisa. As always, where it's safe and warm and full of pink roses and diamonds. As I type this, I am finishing watching that last episode and guess what all of my predictions are true, fancy that! I find it beyond hilarious how Yolanda is so out of the loop that just to keep her on the show they show her exercising, and get this: talking about how jealous she is of her young daughter because everything on her body is 'tight'. Someone needs to give this bitch a basket of poison apples and a pointy tiara because she's this close to sucking her blood.

So far, I'm not really a fan. They brought in Brandi to be a bombshell in every respect of the word, but instead of blowing people away, her plan is backfiring all over the place. So, um...I guess let's wait until the next episode and hope for the best. 

Come On British Press! Show Us Ye Olde Royal Peen.

The now infamous photos leaked by TMZ last week afterwhich the palace quickly threw a muzzle on the British Press, hence the kitschy red star on the right.

Come on British press, we all struggle. Just leak one or two we won't do anything with them, except photoshop them into oblivion and send them all around the interwebs with asinine memes posted underneath. But in all seriousness, we're just curious. We don't have a royal cock over here, so we just want to get a peak. Unless you're a sad sad cave person with stolen mannequins behind the alley at Macy's that you dress up and seat around your living room to pose as friends, you've heard by now that NSFW photos have been leaked to TMZ of a drunken romp Prince Harry had in Vegas before returning to combat training. Oh dear god, I hope the world doesn't collapse on itself. 

First of all, what's the big deal? He's third in line people. Which basically means, he's not in line. More than likely, he's never going to be king. But he's young, rich, and hot. So why not get in a naked hottub psuedo-orgy before you go defend your country in a foxhole in the goddamn desert with nothing but a dehydrated meal and your AK-47 by your side? You're in Vegas. That's what Vegas is for. Do you think anyone has ever not been naked in Vegas? I don't even think it's legal to be inhabiting a hotel room in Vegas with clothes on. It's a state law. 

If anyone gives me the whole 'royal duties' speech one more time I might projectively vomit all over them.

Cadets around the world give Prince Harry a naked salute. Cheers lads.

Prince Harry is a prince, but he's no where near needing to fulfill any 'duties' except be young, have fun, and be irresponsible. He's L'enfante terrible, the rogue brother. If one of the bro's has it down in terms of duty, take a break and go party in Vegas with naked sluts.

Of course the palace put a royal kibosh on the photos so now we can only see them with an unseemly Photoshopped 'star' over what i'm sure is a really toned royal ass.  The other picture, I get it, he's covering HIMSELF up, but there's something else their keeping from us, I can just feel it, no pun intended. Now it's being revealed that VIDEO footage exists of naked Harry's hairy bird. (Yay! the most unoriginal alliteration ever!) 

And I'm pretty good at rummaging the internet for 'lost' or 'leaked' celebrity video...no I'm not...and I couldn't find one single lead on this. I'm lost in the woods. I mean when the palace says 'no', I guess it really does mean 'no'. But hey, we have the Associated Press here in the States that would gladly crawl all over this like flies on shit. What? Did you think we have integrity? We follow Lindsay Lohan around for chrissake. There is no 'bottom line' to our celebrity press. And hey, it's not like he's our Prince, to us, he's just a hot guy who's got a lot of money, and is the bad boy of his family, and who on this side of the pond doesn't find that irresistible?