No preface, just inspired by the 'I'm That Jew' slam poetry super cut. As OITNB's Cindy said 'It feels good to be chosen'. PS. I omitted iconic members of my tribe like Spielberg, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Jonah Hill, etc. I just don't have that much time. Pouring out a glass of Manischewitz for my homies...
That Tattoo'd and Can't Be Buried in a Jewish Cemetery Jew...
Adam Levine
The My Mother is Jewish Therefore I'm Jewish Jew...
James Franco
That Really Annoying Giggly Jew...
Natalie Portman
That Hotter Beyond All Reason Jew...
Mila Kunis
That Bad Boy Jew...
Sean Penn
That Original Bad Boy Jew...
Robert Downey Jr.
That Giggles and Ha-Ha's Jew...
Andy Samberg
That Still Funny After All This Time Jew...
David Schwimmer (Pivot!)
That Uber Nerd Jew...
Jesse Eisenberg
That Head of a Reality TV Empire Jew...
Andy Cohen
That All Too Jewish Looking Jew...
Adrien Brody
That Not Jewish Looking At All Jew...
Alicia Silverstone
That Still Hot For Nearly 50 Jew...
Sarah Silverman
That Still Hot and In His 60's Jew...
Jeff Goldblum (Life uh uh...finds a way. And, you're welcome)
That British Jew...
Daniel Radcliffe
That Other British Jew...
Andrew Garfield
That Voice of a Generation Jew...
Amy Schumer
That He Grew Up Nice Jew...
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
That Gone All Too Soon Jew...
Amy Winehouse
That Hot for Four Decades Jew...
Jennifer Connelly
That Soviet Defector Russian Jew...
Sergey Brin (Holla! ...or Challah!)
That OG Hot Jew...
Dustin Hoffman
That Get Your Hands Off Him That's My Husband Jew...
Joaquin Phoenix
That Get Your Hands Off Her That's My Wife Jew...
Rashida Jones
That I Did It All For America Jew...
Evan Lysacek
That No I Will Not Quaf My Jew-Fro Jew...
Slash
That Hug It Out Bitch Jew...
Jeremy Piven
That Somewhat Menacing Jew...
Jake Gylenhaal
That One Jew to Rule Them All Jew...
That Reason For Your Sexual Awakening Jew...
The My Mom Made Me Include Him On This List Jew...
Seth Rogen
That Seth Rogen's Best Friend and Perfect Jew Jew...
Brace yourself munchkins, because the mother of all self-aggrandizing faux-important arbitrary pretentiousness in award shows is right around the corner. That's right, It's Oscar time. Or as the late great George C. Scott famously called it: it's 'meat parade' time. Get ready for actors shakily thanking their parents and pointing to the heavens through tears, snarky documentary filmmakers giving condescending political rants, and really dated show business jokes from Billy Crystal. Not to mention the inflated cost of elaborate sets the industry will use for just one night and not even recycle, and the bloated fatheads of big money studio executives nodding along as they clap for films they shoved down the academy's throat all year.
I don't know why I'm so bitter honestly, considering how much I obsess over the Oscars every year, and shamefully know basically all of its history backwards and forwards like a 2nd grade math test. But perhaps its that very reason that I'm raving against them. I'm tired of them building me up every year and then letting me down by not even nominating said year's best films or performances because they were too 'controversial' lets put it that way. Instead, they give one to Kevin Spacey or Colin Firth and go on break. They are just too predictable, too long, too schmaltzy, and after they're done you're wondering how the hell you can get out of having to listen to winners who should have been losers gush on CNN the next day about how hard they worked and how they never expected it.
The Academy reminds me of Capitol Hill, just a lot of out of touch rich old folks who hide away in their Brentwood mansions watching themselves over and over again in a private theater talking about the good 'ol days of the Hays Censorship Board and the iron fist of the studio system a la Norma Desmond. Sure they let in people like Jesse Eisenberg and Scarlett Johansson, but I think that's just for show that they are still 'with it'.
Knock it off with the redundant history-of-the-movies montages (even though back in the day those were the best part of the telecast) and give me something I've never seen before instead of regurgitating the same old shit. And I swear if Billy Crystal opens with a song this year (as he almost most definitely will) i'm having a fit.
Of course, to me, and relevance to this blog, a huge snub this year was Michael Fassbender for Best Actor in a Leading Role in Shame (2011). But it was such a predictable snub, I wasn't for a minute thinking that he would make the list. Leave it for the critics to judge a performance based on 'merit', the Academy has backs to pat and asses to kiss. And if there's even a hint of penis in there, you can kiss your chances at Oscar glory goodbye.
Of course this is all relative, because there was that year (1969) when Midnight Cowboy took home Best Picture honors, the first and only film with an 'X' rating to do so, though it's pretty tame by today's standards. And let's not forget Halle Berry's win for Monster's Ball (2001) or Charlize Theron's win for Monster (2003) or Glenda Jackson's win for Women in Love (1969) (she was smart enough not to show up that time, or again when she won for A Touch of Class in 1973) but those are anomalies in an otherwise mundane self-censoring trend that the Academy follows.
Below is a clip from Women in Love (1969) based on the novel by the fabulously perverted D.H. Lawrence, directed by one of the greatest fabulous perverts of all time, Ken Russell. These are the kind of films that used to win Oscars, but that was a different time.
This year, the nominees are a joke. Basically all of them, except for The Artist (2011) which was fine, but its going in as the film that's slightly better than 'just ok', and hopefully it will win, but when you win in a year of crap then are you really winning at all? And let's not forget just how prude the Academy is. Even if the individual Academy voter is very open minded, and progressive, the Academy as a whole is very hypocritical like that. They will nominate Brokeback Mountain (2005) which was the clearest and best contender for Best Picture honors that year but they wouldn't let it win, and gave it to Crash (2005) instead? I'm still not over that. And don't kid yourselves Rooney Mara is not going to win this year...nor should she.
Anyway, make sure you load up on plenty of white wine, because next Sunday's festivities are going to be a giant snoozefest without it. I say, cut it out with all of the pretentious congratulatory bullshit and go back to when it was nothing more than what it was originally created to be, a publicity vehicle for the year's films and all of the awards were doled out in 10 minutes. There's nothing worse in the movie business than being boring and Oscars, you've been guilty for a while now. PS, letting Anne Hathaway and James Franco host is unforgivable.
