Take off that stupid fucking shirt. You're her 'boyfriend' not a 12 year old girl at her concert.
Happy America day and all that...on to something in pop culture that is more ridiculous and offensive than Trump...I'm kidding, nothing is. I don't usually take a vapid interest in celebrities' love lives, in fact I've come to believe that everything is just one giant PR stunt. Especially when it come to Taylor Swift. Whereas prior I thought she dated guys or material (you definitely see more candid paparazzi photos right before a new album of hers comes out) I'm starting to think that she just desperately wants the publicity.
Instead of writing yet ANOTHER break up song or for that matter break up album...she should write a song called 'My Vagina's Magic'. It has a nice ring to it, and I'm convinced some kind o witchery is involved to bag a Hiddleston. Up to this point, her revolving door of boyfriends have been meh at best. Not exactly prime breeding material. But great for her next basic bitch anthem.
She's got a blank space baby...and she'll write your name...Hiddleston if you don't get the fuck out.
Apart from basically all reasons that make them incompatible, let's consider this. Tom Hiddleston went to RADA and appeared in many Shakespeare plays at the Old Vic before breaking into film, I'm not trying to be elitist, but TS is not exactly in his intellectual group. I can't even imagine what they talk about. After watching a few of her interviews I'm going to say something to do with her cats?
Now he's spending time with her girl squad. The pictures honestly make him look like that really creepy dude in his thirties who hangs out with millenials...which is kind of exactly the case.
Another thing; if you went on twitter the other day, what's trending? Not the Turkey airport bombing, not Bagdad, but Hiddleston's ridiculous tank top. Little backstory, I'll try to give it to you without getting nauseous. Grown man, college graduate, esteemed actor Tom Hiddleston wore an I Heart TS t-shirt. For the love of god. The internet couldn't stop being embarrassed for him. I've done a few embarrassing things in my life...ok a lot of embarrassing things, but I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed via third party.
Where exactly in this group of fools does Hiddleston fit? Go stand in between Karlie Kloss and Gigi Hadid, it will make you look like even more of an asshole.
Did they have some kind of sleepover the night prior and Hiddleston got talked into some kind of dare? Did they then retreat to Taylor's mansion where they painted his nails and braided his hair? Come on Tom, you're a grown man not that creeper at the bar who hits on girls half his age. Please don't tell me they made you drink cosmopolitans either. It was just ghastly and wrong, and there goes my witchery angle. No way in hell does a man that is respected in the arts, that's a RADA graduate, a serious actor, who votes and pays taxes behave like that. Taylor's vagina must really be magic. Either that or her squad knows some serious brain washing techniques. If so, Urban Outfitters (known for making ridiculously offensive T-shirts) needs to put out a 'Free Hiddleston' t-shirt, overpriced cotton-poly blend, and extra soft? Get on that because this has quickly devolved from ridiculous to embarrassing to just plain sad.
The two supposedly met at the Met Gala, but I have a feeling Taylor hunted him down right after her and Calvin called it quits, and made sure that a photographer was there. I mean who can resist a gothy skinny bitch who can't dance?
They've been officially online for like only a month, and for this short time, they've done nothing but profuse PDA for the camera. We know more about their relationship than they probably know about each other. And in that short time, they've met each other's parents, and have traveled all over the world. Something doesn't smell right.
Post script: There might not be that much to freak out about. There is a lot going around the interwebs that the whole thing is a Joaquin Phoenix I'm Still Here piece of performance art. Hiddleston is a fabulous actor after all. If so, I'm very excited for the basic AF music video...do I sound jealous? I'm so not jealous.
I made this collage all by myself. Thank you, I AM extremely talented and totally cool.
Ever since being an uber-dork became mainstream, we've all had harder questions to answer than Team Edward or Team Jacob. It's the question of who is the ultimate pasty thin British guy we want to bone for a polite amount of time? I suppose you know that since then we've as a society narrowed it down to two of the pastiest, dorkiest, skinniest, most Britishest two men in existence right now; Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston. Not since the great wars between Pepsi and Coke, or the Yankees and the Red Sox have we seen such animosity, bloodshed, and upheaval. God help you if you walk through a Cumberbatch neighborhood with a Hiddleston emblem on your shirt. Prepare for the wintery freshness of mace and hair-pulling to the nth degree because it's coming full force. Now, you are probably already on a team, or defected and switched teams because your dream reality tricked you into a sex dream about Khan that turned into one about Loki...did that happen with me? No comment.
Hiddleston in the hottest thing since the elves in LOTR, and he's a badass so we don't have to hide how hot we find Loki.
Cumberbatch as ubervillain and arch nemesis to Captain Kirk and trekkies everywhere; Kahn. Or as the original Captain Kirk Mr. William Shatner would call him; Khaaaaaaaaaan. (I loath myself)
So that's not too hard, unless you are so indecisive that they seem similar to you so you'd go with either. Then SHAME FOR YOU! So now we've passed one hurdle, hopefully you've picked one in your head by now. I guess it really depends on your nerd preferences. Let's backtrack. Hiddleston rose to fame playing Loki, god of mischief in the Marvel Cinematic series Thor, and Thor: The Dark World, and again in the Avengers series, or perhaps you are a big Sherlock cannon nerd and love the high functioning sociopath detective brought back to life by Cumberbatch in the BBC re-imagining of it, or on that note perhaps you're a closeted Trekkie and think that Cumberbatch's Khan is way superior to Ricardo Mantalban's (in which case you'd be totally right). So whichever is your poison is probably the malevolent and yet snarky mean guy/bad guy that you'd pick to take to bed.
Let's face it, bad guys are way more fun. Who did both Hiddleston and Cumberbatch play opposite? Chris Pine and Chris Hemsworth. And if you're the most vanilla teeny bopper that shame-eats macaroni and cheese and doesn't have a debilitating cigarette habit, you'd probably go for one of those tools, but we know better.
Meanwhile, in photoshop hell...
Anyway! I'm throwing a monkey wrench into this whole thing. You thought I would make it easy on you wouldn't I? I like to make things as hard as I can on other people. Juxtaposed with these two cinematic villains who pull of a tailored suit at press conferences and comic cons like nobody's business I'll throw two heroes into the mix; two doctors from the famed Dr. Who franchise who are not famous for anything but; Matt Smith and David Tennant (Calm your tits, I'm aware the latter is Scottish and would effectively screw this game of most pasty skinny British person you want to bone) but let's say men from the UK? See there you go, I can be as PC as the next person. These, not unlike Hiddleston and Cumberbatch could not be more different from each other regardless of playing the exact same character. Tennant is quirky and Scottish, loud and vivacious, and perhaps the most adorkable thing that side of the pond on television. Lock that Blue police booth and put your TV on mute. Know what I'm saying? Good because I don't. I've lost the ability to make sexual innuendo, I'm too excited. Matt Smith, is much more reserved, old-word suave, and has the most pronounced five-finger forehead in history and luscious brunette locks to die for. He's that Brit stuck out of time, with a baby face, and movements like Bond that remind you of your college crush (that is if you went to an Ivy League). Hurray for sweater vests!
Left: Matt Smith, Right: David Tennant. Both played The Doctor, both with amazing suit tie combos. Yes, I'd like one of each please. What's the cost? My soul and a close relative? No problem.
Now, me personally? I used to be queen Cumberbitch, and have no idea why I had a change of heart, I'm not going to go into it, but out of those two I'd have to go with Team Hiddleston. Out of the latter group, if you know me, you know that it's not even a question. Team Tennant. The heart wants what it wants. Now that we've narrowed it down it's Tennant vs. Hiddleston. Now it's a difficult game. The Shakespearean vet with the boarding school education, slim frame, and piercing baby bues or the goofball, pillow-lipped Scot with a 6'4 frame and snark for days? Based solely on his dance skills and we all know that's what matters in the end, gun to my head, I'm going to have to go with Team Hiddleston. I'll fight anyone who says different. Well, actually I'll fight anyone who says the same, because I don't need competition ok? He's across the pond the geography of the whole thing already makes it difficult, so back the fuck up. Anyway, feel free to take this quiz at home, and then argue your heart out a la college debate team with history, facts, and everything else you're going to chalk up to that is more than just subjective opinion, because hey, if 15 year olds can do that all the live long day about Team Jacob and Team Edward, we too should be able to forfeit our sense of cool, or any semblance of a life. Cheers mates. Hiddleston...call me.
Below clips, including a dance off that you will want to give me a high five parade for, but no need...I do enjoy money though.
