What is Hashtag Basic?

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably have heard the term 'basic' or it's more prevalent incarnation; 'basic bitch' applied to someone, usually someone you're not a big fan of. I think 'basic' stretches to much more than pumpkin spiced latte's and Cosmo tips. Sadly, it probably applies to most if not all millenials. As someone born in 1984 (there I said it), I was born kind of on the cusp, and don't really know where to place myself. The generation before me was awesome; Gen-X? Everything Portlandia is nostalgic about? Yeah great. Grunge music, clown college, contentment at being unambitious, sleeping until 11...ok now I'm just playing the theme song in my head. Then came us...people born in the early-mid 80's. I think they called us Gen-Y because there was no term for us, and we really didn't have a place in this world. On that logic, I would say millenials are anyone born in 1990 and up. The reasoning for this being, those of us that came into this world in the decade preceding it remember a lot of shit that seems totally foreign to let's say...Kendall Jenner (ps, if you follow her on Instagram, you're basic). Ask her to dial a rotary phone. I bet you it would be hilarious. 

Mean Girls ...porn for Basic Bitches

The millenial generation is one of entitlement. It's very much the me-me-me generation. Selfies were born from technology made for millenials, and as much as Mark Zuckerberg himself is not a millenial, Facebook is definitely a product for them; those starved for attention and a need to broadcast almost everything. 

I remember newspapers, I remember internet cafés, phone books, caller ID, etc. That doesn't mean I'm not basic. I don't follow Kendall, but I do follow Gigi Hadid, and yes I use Instagram for selfies. Crucify me. I think basic stretches beyond going to Coachella rather than the Met Opera House, reading Cosmo instead of The New York Times, and pumpkin everything. 

Going back to my generation, if I could label it ANYTHING, it would be the Fucked Generation. We really were. By the time most of us graduated college, the economy was lodged in the toilet, and a year later it had been flushed down along with many hopes and dreams. We overpaid for our overpriced education so we could have a degree from an elite school that no one deems anything more than 'fancy degrees', and no amount of Instagram selfies, viral videos, or followers on Pinterest were going to save us. Tuition was at an all time high, and employment was at an all time low. A lot of us took jobs that we were way too good for with hardly any salary, but I digress. 

I think this excludes us from being basic because we have more important shit right now, and a lot of us (myself excluded because fuck it) are raising families and have no time to think of the perfect hashtag...I remember when that was just called a pound sign yeesh. 

Entitlement is not in our blood because we had to scrap for everything in adult life. We thereby have some sense of dignity. Living in the epicenter of the tech capital, Silicon Valley I'm subject to a lot of basic. It's more of a generational thing than a lifestyle thing. And by the way, if you're a hipster who brews their own beer, and only drinks PBR because you think you know what 'bourgeoise' means...guess what you're BASIC. And stop throwing around the term 'artisanal' like you give a shit. Who cares if the coffee comes from a ridiculous contraption at a corner store in Brooklyn hand pressed for 3 hours by some tattoo'd 40-year-old who loves being a professional barista or from a Bodega on Crenshaw, just drink it.

An artisanal basic bitch hipster, who dresses like a hobo but has a trust fund and spends all of his money on anachronistic Sherlock Holmes pipes. And those mom jeans? 400$.

I am aware I'm coming off like I'm saying that I did things before they were cool, which is the ultimate hipster battle cry, but in my various interactions, I'm lucky not to have choked on too much basic. Once in a while, I stumble upon a basic bitch who tells me that she went to Coachella because she got to dress up all 'bohemian and stuff'. And it hurts my heart. 

Side note: I especially hate how Taylor Swift who's latest album breaks records every day (or used to) called it 1989 even though she spent 5 days in 1989. As if to escape from her basicness. That's an insult to everyone who was actually born in the 80's. 1989? Really? Did ya see the Berlin Wall come down? Didn't think so. Stop trying to resurrect an era you know nothing about. And your music videos are basic AF, just so you know.

Yes, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when this happened. Do you? Or did you watch it on The People vs. OJ Simpson?

So before you go on how you 'can't even', remember that there were people whom you call 'old' who are in their 30's now who remember a time when they had so much student debt that they couldn't even, and that was an actual struggle. I'm reminded of the Louis CK joke about how people in their 20's stand around thinking if they just stand around and hate their job someone will appear and be like 'well let's make you a director then, that's how that works'. And no I don't want to go wine tasting with you. I know you make more money than I do, but I've been to Italy, and to France, and to Napa, and I know the difference between a Bordeaux and a Burgundy. Unless you're paying. So if you're reading this, and you're basic, get your butt back on Pinterest. Those weddings to your imaginary boyfriend yet aren't going to plan themselves. Oooof, that was a lot of shade but I do feel better. 

Below clips to better illustrate my point:

Who are your long lost BFF's on The People's Couch?

Bravo in all of it's infinite wisdom has realized that its own roster of shows is far too ridiculous, as well as most of the crap that's out there let's just be real. So to cushion the blow that you get from every cliffhanger on Empire or every hair pulling fight on the Real Housewives, it has provided you with the snarkiest TV audience groups that can watch all of it with you, and say out loud what we're all feeling. It's difficult for me to convince my regular three dimensional friends to watch Southern Charm with me...ironically, even if I throw in a drinking game and a quesadilla. I guess my friends just hate fun. I didn't mean that, I love you all, but can we not hike like one day of the weekend? I like to spend my Saturday's horizontal shame-eating slices of Havarti cheese, and ragging on what The Bachelorette is wearing...in my bathrobe. So to Bravo, thank you for manufacturing people that feel the same, and getting so damn meta about your damn self. If you've watched the show, you already have a favorite couch group, but I'll provide you with them and some choice quotes. I love them all, don't ask me to choose. 

L to R: Rashawn, Princella, and Lamont. They are hilarious. It's Princella that usually has the over the top reaction, and Lamont always just side-eyes her. He's the best at throwing wife shade. 

Amanda and Kenya. Best friends, they finish each others sentences and always are en pointe with heavy criticism. Out of everyone they are the least sarcastic ...they didn't even have much to say during the Eurovision Awards...I mean urly? 

Teddy, Ayn and Sue...BFF's. Like literally. You would think they are very proper and prim, but you would not believe what comes out of their mouths. Where did you learn to speak that way young lady?

Blake, Scott, and Emerson. These three friends reminds me basically of my 20's. So. Much. Shade. But in the world's snarkiest way. When Whitney Sudler-Smith, resident douche canoe on Southern Charm called Craig a 'cocksucker' dear Emerson (sincerely confused) quipped: 'Since when was that a bad thing?' I heart them forever.

The Resnicks. The family closest to my heart. Three sisters (no their not Haim) and their dad Joe. The poor man has to deal with so much millenial angst and screaming at the top of their lungs every time any one on Vanderpump Rules makes out...which is quite often. 

Julie and Brandy...and their three adorable chihuahuas. They have to be my personal favorite, props to them for saying what I was about to say EVERY DAMN TIME. After watching the limo gimmicks on the new Bachelorette Brandy had no issue with saying that's why the show is great, because it's all sociopaths. You go girl. 

Sisters Cathy and Destiny are both certified to make citizens arrest. No idea why that's important but they are the queens of overreactions. And it's awesome. 

Below, some clips: 

Top 20 Hottest Real Housewives

I can't do a definitive list because I don't watch every franchise, but even if I don't like New York, there are still New York housewives on the list. But also because there are so many it would take forever and I have a life, a limited one but a life nonetheless. Now if you're a novice you're going to notice damn fast that there's basically very little difference between how they all look because they are all for the most part menopausal and all have that melted barbie look and are either way too tanned or way too blonde. But if you are a Real Housewives enthusiast, congrats because you're way cooler than all the haters out there, and you'll know exactly the difference is. We are not going on aesthetics alone. We're going on class (of which there is little) general attitude, and a means of carrying oneself. We used to call it femininity, now we call it ready-for-HD. Starting with #20 and going to the hottest. Also, if you watch you probably know who goes at the very top of the list but I still beckon you to read the whole post. 

20. Kathy Wakile (Real Housewives of New Jersey)
A lot might be shaking their heads, but this fly-eyed over-tanned almost grandma looking housewife knows how to bake and keep her cool like no one's business. Yeah she uses way too much make up and the face is a bit busted, but we all use 'it's a good salad' when we want to get out of a sticky situation thanks to her. 

19. Heather Dubrow (Real Housewives of the OC) The newest addition to the cray cray of the OC, Miss Fancy Pants who's married to the biggest plastic surgeon on that coast is '99% natural' even though she can side-eye someone like no one's business but she is straight up no bullshit. Go ahead try to eat a bow off her cake. 

18. Sonja Morgan (Real Housewives of New York). The ladies of New York are more batshit than you would think, but this one seems to rise above the fray which means she probably has the least screaming interactions, then again I don't know much about her. She's not a lot of drama and in Bravo land that means booooooring. 

17. Kelly Bensimon. (Real Housewives of New York). From one end of the cray spectrum to the other, perhaps this was all aboard the hot mess express. Whether its crying rivers at reunions or going straight up Exorcist while on vacation, or my personal favorite jogging in the middle of New York traffic. This is like the cray Cindy Crawford. 

16. Kandi Burruss (Real Housewives of Atlanta). This firecracker is awesome. She like the other ladies of Atlanta has a strict no bullshit policy, and can look cute as a button not taking shit. I love her.

15. Lisa Rinna (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Pint-sized, big lipped, and having the same haircut for 20 years, can still rock being a full on milf, who is way protective of friends and family and also full of some of the best one-liners in only one season of the show...so far. 

14. Taylor Armstrong (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Perhaps this is the best picture of her. Everyone knows Taylor loves to drink and then dissolve into tears, but you know what? If my husband killed himself and left me with nothing but lawsuits I'd probably be drenched in chardonnay as well. This I think as also when she got deathly thin, she's now remarried to her lawyer (of course) and apparently doing better. Fingers crossed. We don't know she was fired off the show...duh.

13. Brandi Glanville (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Lets get this out of the way. She is a goddamn bitch and a trouble maker, but she is crazy hot. The former model stands at 6'2 with the world's longest legs and a body that won't quit we all remember her bikini or lack thereof, and she would rock a burlap sack, if only we could get her to cover up more. But do we really want that?

12. Teresa Giudice (Real Housewives of New Jersey). This Jean Valjean of the Real Housewives universe is currently serving at the halfway mark of her 15 month prison sentence for major major fraud. She basically made the franchise what it is, way back in season 1, travel back in time with me when the Teresa table flip became a thing. Say it with me. You were engaged 19 fucking times!?

11. Cat Ommaney (Real Housewives of DC) This British transplant was married to a white house photographer and had absolutely no filter and seriously a no bullshit policy. But she never raised her voice and always had a glass of wine at the ready whether it was to throw it into someone's face or to drink it while rolling her eyes.

10. Melissa Gorga (Real Housewives of New Jersey). This one is a real moron. Like even by Jersey standards, whether she's totally misunderstanding how to use hyperbole and/or metaphors or advocating marital rape, or making horribly auto-tuned pop songs, she's still a bit of a bombshell, or as she would say a 'knock out' again, mixing metaphors. 

9. Kyle Richards (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Kyle is pretty flawless her house-husband was voted the hottest one out of all of the franchises, she's a great mom to 4 beautiful girls, lives in Belaire, drives a Maserati, and has been the long suffering youngest sister of Kathy and Kim (Kim is the hot mess alcoholic, Kathy is Paris and Nicky's mom). Even being surrounded by such Beverly Hills pomp, Kyle maintains her sincerity, and her brunette hair. 

8. Dina Manzo (Real Housewives of New Jersey). Perhaps the only blonde in Jersey, she came back after 5 seasons to bring the zen bitches. She's got a natural beauty about her, and its difficult to find that well in any of the housewives. And considering the murky family bloodlines she's from, she came out looking like the champ amongst a bunch of zoo creatures.

7. Camille Grammer. (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Mrs. ex Kelsey Grammer, can you imagine how lucky he was to lang a woman like that, and then leave her for some flight attendant urly? This blonde bombshell might be a little fake around he edges and have done playboy but she has a USC degree and more class than you can shake a stick out. No pre-nup, and he cheated, ergo she won. You will always win Camille. 

6. Cynthia Bailey (Real Housewives of Atlanta) Former model/overall ridiculously hot human being Cynthia has chestnut eyes to die for and beautiful ok...eyes lips hair combo. Everything about her. She's got it going on, and she doesn't need Nene's snark because her thighs don't touch.

5. Gretchen Rossi (Real Housewives of the OC) She hasn't been on the show for a while, but while on it she was as close to a living breathing barbie doll as someone is physically capable of getting to. But even without the pounds of make-up and enough hairspray to make its own hole in the o-zone, Gretchen had it going on. 

4. Eileen Davidson (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Can you believe this dynamo is in her 50's? I can't. She's a former soap star, Emmy winner, with a hippie disposition, and a great franchise; 'I'm not a bitch but I play one on TV'. And she's straight up a class act. She had wine thrown in her face by a drunk Brandi and she was able to diffuse that shit instead of pull a Teresa so bless her heart, and also excuse the fuck out of her for giving a damn. 

3. Kenya Moore (Real Housewives of Atlanta). Straight up, I don't even watch the RHOA, and I know who Kenya Moore is. She's Gone With the Wind fabulous. C'mon! Former pageant queen, her beauty and her attitude make for one hell of a mane-eater incarnation. She's perfection. 

2. Yolanda Foster (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). According to Brandi the only housewife that's neer had work done and that's quite the feat, this Dutch bombshell and former model now Master Cleanse enthusiast and the mother of two really hot supermodels, Yolanda is happy to play the harriet housewife to her husband, David Foster, and wear white pants all the live long day. No complaints. 

1. Lisa Vanderpump (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Did you really not see this coming? She's what Madonna is to pop music to the Bravo cannon. This boss bitch has everything, also she literally has everything, but she's worked her ass for it, her perfectly shaped ass. She might be one of the oldest housewives but you'd never tell and it's not the botox. She's British, gorgeous, and sassy. She's the mother hen, and the classiest woman of them all. Boss bitch, we salute you...and Giggy.

Crap I found on the internet below. 

What is Bravo Trying to Tell Us About Our LifeStyle?

Brandi Glanville joined the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills after 3 seasons and enjoys her time as resident trouble maker, binge-drinker, and wine-thrower. She's the classic Bravo celebrity.

To preface, Jennifer Lawrence is a self-proclaimed reality TV junkie, ergo there's no shame in it. Whatever J-Law does is cool mmmkay? There's no greater cesspool of reality bacteria than that on the Bravo Network. Spearheaded by the indelible Andy Cohen who rescued the network from reruns of 'Inside the Actor's Studio' and the lowest ratings in TV history into the most watched channel across the continental US, Cohen keeps coming out with franchise after franchise, none of which has seen more success than 'The Real Housewives of...'

Now, even a junkie like me has to cherry pick. I have pride. I only religiously tune in to New Jersey, Orange County, and my beloved ladies of Beverly Hills. Out of the ashes of Beverly Hills, when post-menopausal women doing yoga and going to botox parties became less and less interesting, came the irreverent 'Vanderpump Rules'. Let me explain. Lisa Vanderpump is a 'housewife' which is ironic because she's a working woman, and a Beverly Hills transplant from England. Anyway! She has two (now three) restaurants in the greater Los Angeles area. Villa Blanca in Beverly Hills...you know, who cares? the newly opened gay bar Pump (which I heard is abysmal, also being next door to West Hollywood's Abbey Food & Bar, a landmark in the gay community) suffice it to say, it's not getting much business despite the pretentious and overpriced drinks. The third is a bar and lounge that I used to frequent back in my LA days called SUR also in the heart of West Hollywood. It's kind of like Abercrombie & Fitch for drinkers. She only hires young hot actor/model wannabe's filled with righteous indignation, body glitter, and draaaaaama with a capital F. 

This season of 'Vanderpump Rules' saw a goddamn wedding. Backstory: that girl in the ridiculous crop-top wedding dress is Scheana Marie whom we were introduced to in Real Housewives of Bev-Hills because she cheated on the husband of one of the cast members, and now like every girl pushing 35, she decided to settle for some boring nothing. I don't have to tell you anything about him, the picture says it all. 

Juxtaposing these two shows together it's actually quite surprising considering the ladies of 'Vanderpump Rules' seem to have it more together and more of a clear head on their shoulders being in their late 20's early 30's than the parakeets in their 50's of the Real Housewives cast. 

Let's talk marriage. It's very ironic calling the franchise 'Real Housewives of' anything. Most are divorced or going to be, usually for the dumbest reasons, while the ladies of Vanderpump though all aboard the hot mess express on a regular basis at least have their men in check. Example: 'Tequila' Katie from the Vanderpump cast finally sat her slacker boyfriend down and said; 'listen bitch, you have six months to propose to me or I'm moving on'. You go girl. I'm not saying that this is an agist thing. Yes a lot of the housewives look like melted barbies (especially in Orange County) but their god complexes get in the way of actual happiness, this is all considering that optimal happiness for them means more than 5 pairs of Louboutins. 

Kim Richards; the hot mess. Was anyone really surprised that she fell off the wagon and lied about it through an entire season of Real Housewives? Not I. 

Now, on to lifestyle choices. Let's branch out. Bravo seems to be very hypocritical and also a bit exploitive of people's drinking issues. They tend to cast people right on the cusp and push them over the edge. With all of the open bar parties they stage for the cameras, they could be considered one giant enabler. Hell, Andy Cohen will sit down at a reunion show with you or inside his 'clubhouse' and make a margarita in your mouth right after an episode airs which brings up your 'drinking problem'. The last season of the 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' centered around Kim Richards (former child star extraordinaire and general psycho) and the giant question mark regarding her 'sobriety' since she admitted on live television that she had gone to rehab for her alcoholism, and this season it's apparent to everyone with eyes that she's not exactly following through. The last episode was 45 minutes of the six cast members arguing about whether or not the word 'intervention' was actually used in conversation regarding her. Talk about stretching content. And then it comes out that she got wasted at the Beverly Hilton and kicked a cop, were any of us surprised? No. Is Andy Cohen secretly happy because he gets to have a 1 on 1 special with her now? Yes. 

The new show 'Southern Charm' is a bit of a sleeper hit. Small cast, cute city (Charleston), and though the cast like everyone else on Bravo, is loaded, they are very self-aware of that and how obnoxious they can be. Just like on basically every other Bravo show, there is a character whom we can already see going to the dark side. Previews of his intervention are in the works. Now, Andy is not stupid, when someone busts out with their alcoholism, that makes for excellent TV. Though no Emmy in sight for him in the near future. 

The cast of the 2nd season of 'Southern Charm' behind the million dollar smiles and designer dresses, there is drama-a-brewing.

Now that Bravo has decided to (gasp) go scripted with shows like 'Odd Mom Out' and 'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' the well of vodka-soaked divorce-ridden drama has clearly run dry. But I'm sure the great and powerful Andy Cohen still has a couple tricks up his sleeve. And alas, against everyone's better judgement the Real Housewives franchise is still going strong. The first one was 10 years ago if you can believe it, and as long as they keep up the formula of pure schadenfreude they'll be ok. There is always going to be an endless stream of cutaways to people taking copious shots, girls crying, and guys fighting. On that alone, Bravo has built one of the most successful TV empires known to man. As far as guilty pleasures go, it's one of the best. As Cameran (cast member on 'Southern Charm' and the definitive 'voice of reason' of the show) ever so cleverly quipped; All aboard the hot mess express. Toot, toot!

Intros to some of these shows below. Because, why not?