Top 20 Hottest Real Housewives

I can't do a definitive list because I don't watch every franchise, but even if I don't like New York, there are still New York housewives on the list. But also because there are so many it would take forever and I have a life, a limited one but a life nonetheless. Now if you're a novice you're going to notice damn fast that there's basically very little difference between how they all look because they are all for the most part menopausal and all have that melted barbie look and are either way too tanned or way too blonde. But if you are a Real Housewives enthusiast, congrats because you're way cooler than all the haters out there, and you'll know exactly the difference is. We are not going on aesthetics alone. We're going on class (of which there is little) general attitude, and a means of carrying oneself. We used to call it femininity, now we call it ready-for-HD. Starting with #20 and going to the hottest. Also, if you watch you probably know who goes at the very top of the list but I still beckon you to read the whole post. 

20. Kathy Wakile (Real Housewives of New Jersey)
A lot might be shaking their heads, but this fly-eyed over-tanned almost grandma looking housewife knows how to bake and keep her cool like no one's business. Yeah she uses way too much make up and the face is a bit busted, but we all use 'it's a good salad' when we want to get out of a sticky situation thanks to her. 

19. Heather Dubrow (Real Housewives of the OC) The newest addition to the cray cray of the OC, Miss Fancy Pants who's married to the biggest plastic surgeon on that coast is '99% natural' even though she can side-eye someone like no one's business but she is straight up no bullshit. Go ahead try to eat a bow off her cake. 

18. Sonja Morgan (Real Housewives of New York). The ladies of New York are more batshit than you would think, but this one seems to rise above the fray which means she probably has the least screaming interactions, then again I don't know much about her. She's not a lot of drama and in Bravo land that means booooooring. 

17. Kelly Bensimon. (Real Housewives of New York). From one end of the cray spectrum to the other, perhaps this was all aboard the hot mess express. Whether its crying rivers at reunions or going straight up Exorcist while on vacation, or my personal favorite jogging in the middle of New York traffic. This is like the cray Cindy Crawford. 

16. Kandi Burruss (Real Housewives of Atlanta). This firecracker is awesome. She like the other ladies of Atlanta has a strict no bullshit policy, and can look cute as a button not taking shit. I love her.

15. Lisa Rinna (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Pint-sized, big lipped, and having the same haircut for 20 years, can still rock being a full on milf, who is way protective of friends and family and also full of some of the best one-liners in only one season of the show...so far. 

14. Taylor Armstrong (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Perhaps this is the best picture of her. Everyone knows Taylor loves to drink and then dissolve into tears, but you know what? If my husband killed himself and left me with nothing but lawsuits I'd probably be drenched in chardonnay as well. This I think as also when she got deathly thin, she's now remarried to her lawyer (of course) and apparently doing better. Fingers crossed. We don't know she was fired off the show...duh.

13. Brandi Glanville (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Lets get this out of the way. She is a goddamn bitch and a trouble maker, but she is crazy hot. The former model stands at 6'2 with the world's longest legs and a body that won't quit we all remember her bikini or lack thereof, and she would rock a burlap sack, if only we could get her to cover up more. But do we really want that?

12. Teresa Giudice (Real Housewives of New Jersey). This Jean Valjean of the Real Housewives universe is currently serving at the halfway mark of her 15 month prison sentence for major major fraud. She basically made the franchise what it is, way back in season 1, travel back in time with me when the Teresa table flip became a thing. Say it with me. You were engaged 19 fucking times!?

11. Cat Ommaney (Real Housewives of DC) This British transplant was married to a white house photographer and had absolutely no filter and seriously a no bullshit policy. But she never raised her voice and always had a glass of wine at the ready whether it was to throw it into someone's face or to drink it while rolling her eyes.

10. Melissa Gorga (Real Housewives of New Jersey). This one is a real moron. Like even by Jersey standards, whether she's totally misunderstanding how to use hyperbole and/or metaphors or advocating marital rape, or making horribly auto-tuned pop songs, she's still a bit of a bombshell, or as she would say a 'knock out' again, mixing metaphors. 

9. Kyle Richards (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Kyle is pretty flawless her house-husband was voted the hottest one out of all of the franchises, she's a great mom to 4 beautiful girls, lives in Belaire, drives a Maserati, and has been the long suffering youngest sister of Kathy and Kim (Kim is the hot mess alcoholic, Kathy is Paris and Nicky's mom). Even being surrounded by such Beverly Hills pomp, Kyle maintains her sincerity, and her brunette hair. 

8. Dina Manzo (Real Housewives of New Jersey). Perhaps the only blonde in Jersey, she came back after 5 seasons to bring the zen bitches. She's got a natural beauty about her, and its difficult to find that well in any of the housewives. And considering the murky family bloodlines she's from, she came out looking like the champ amongst a bunch of zoo creatures.

7. Camille Grammer. (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Mrs. ex Kelsey Grammer, can you imagine how lucky he was to lang a woman like that, and then leave her for some flight attendant urly? This blonde bombshell might be a little fake around he edges and have done playboy but she has a USC degree and more class than you can shake a stick out. No pre-nup, and he cheated, ergo she won. You will always win Camille. 

6. Cynthia Bailey (Real Housewives of Atlanta) Former model/overall ridiculously hot human being Cynthia has chestnut eyes to die for and beautiful ok...eyes lips hair combo. Everything about her. She's got it going on, and she doesn't need Nene's snark because her thighs don't touch.

5. Gretchen Rossi (Real Housewives of the OC) She hasn't been on the show for a while, but while on it she was as close to a living breathing barbie doll as someone is physically capable of getting to. But even without the pounds of make-up and enough hairspray to make its own hole in the o-zone, Gretchen had it going on. 

4. Eileen Davidson (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Can you believe this dynamo is in her 50's? I can't. She's a former soap star, Emmy winner, with a hippie disposition, and a great franchise; 'I'm not a bitch but I play one on TV'. And she's straight up a class act. She had wine thrown in her face by a drunk Brandi and she was able to diffuse that shit instead of pull a Teresa so bless her heart, and also excuse the fuck out of her for giving a damn. 

3. Kenya Moore (Real Housewives of Atlanta). Straight up, I don't even watch the RHOA, and I know who Kenya Moore is. She's Gone With the Wind fabulous. C'mon! Former pageant queen, her beauty and her attitude make for one hell of a mane-eater incarnation. She's perfection. 

2. Yolanda Foster (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). According to Brandi the only housewife that's neer had work done and that's quite the feat, this Dutch bombshell and former model now Master Cleanse enthusiast and the mother of two really hot supermodels, Yolanda is happy to play the harriet housewife to her husband, David Foster, and wear white pants all the live long day. No complaints. 

1. Lisa Vanderpump (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Did you really not see this coming? She's what Madonna is to pop music to the Bravo cannon. This boss bitch has everything, also she literally has everything, but she's worked her ass for it, her perfectly shaped ass. She might be one of the oldest housewives but you'd never tell and it's not the botox. She's British, gorgeous, and sassy. She's the mother hen, and the classiest woman of them all. Boss bitch, we salute you...and Giggy.

Crap I found on the internet below. 

Take the Trash Out: Replace Brandi and Kim with Gigi and Bella!

Gigi (Left) and Bella (Right) Hadid seriously take the best instagrams in the world. Were there Oscars for that they would clean up.

So Thursday news broke that not only was Kim Richards (Hot Mess Express, lying alcoholic bitchface) was fired from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but Brandi Glanville (resident legs-for-days, loud-mouthed, also-kind-of-a-drunk) would be leaving the Bravo studios with their last paychecks.

Now, every one is probably all see ya never about the whole thing, but I’m in a bit of a quagmire. A network that didn’t stop filming this franchise when one of the house-husbands hangs himself and blames it on the show in his suicide note is going to fire two ‘troublemakers’ urly? Isn’t that your bread and butter Bravo?

Kyle finally snapped, granted I can't believe it took her this long, and with surrogate mother, Lisa Vanderpump holding her hand, she told her sister to basically fuck off out of her life, good riddance Kim. 

Basically what you’ve just done was make the show highly boring. I’m sure Season 6 (yes, that’s how far the Beverly Hills franchise has come) will be a total snooze fest. I’m glad to have the additions of Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson, because as former soap opera stars, they know how to bring the drama without being hot messes, so they are my bastions of hope. Coupled with the mother hen and definitive foundation of the show, classiest bitch on the planet, and the glue that holds this shit show together; Lisa Vanderpump, maybe there’s hope. 

Kyle, the long suffering younger sister of Kim who has been taking care of said evil bitch and her oh so obvious drug and alcohol problems since she was basically a teenager and has to deal with the guilt that she never had those problems, she married well and has a beautiful family, and got more in her mother’s will than Kim did can finally break free from the diamond chains. At the last reunion, none of us really went in watching liking Kyle too much, because she’s self-richeous and passive aggressive. But then we saw how Kim bullied her sister and had probably been doing so for decades we all went team Kyle especially when she finally cracked, broke into tears and yelled ‘You’re so fucking mean! Just leave me alone!’ Draaaaaama. Now who are we going to yell that at? As mentioned before Lisa Vanderpump, her husband Ken, and her alopecia-inflicted toy Pomeranian Giggy are just too classy to give any fucks whatsoever.

Let's be honest, at first we thought these two buckets of botox drenched in chardonnay were kind of fun, but now it's like  the Witches of Eastwick, I say that because Kim (on the left) starred in that movie, oh the irony.

Here’s my few cents. The other pillar of the Beverly Hills franchise that entered the scene in Season 3 was Dutch beauty, former model, hotter than the sun itself, take no bullshit, Martha Stewart-esque, flower collecting, Master Cleanse obsessed Yolanda Foster. Quick history. She lives in a Malibu palace, she’s married to 80-time (no exaggeration) Grammy award winning producer David Foster and her two oldest daughters are literally the most famous models in the world right now. Again, no exaggeration. Want that life? Yeah we all do. And she worked her ass off for it. She hates drunk women, exercises 5 hours a day, and reminds every member of her family how much she loves them on a daily basis. She’s the person to model your life after. So anyway, with all that swagger, she’s still kind of boring because she’s just too perfect, and also she might reject another season because poor thing has been suffering from Lyme disease for 3 years now.

The ridiculously gorgeous Yolanda Foster with husband David Foster. You didn't think a woman who looked like that would have amazingly hot spawn?

Her daughters from her first marriage; Gigi and Bella Hadid are insane, ok? They are gorgeous.  Every time you drive by a billboard in LA or walk into any boutique in New York, you’ll see either one of them on foam board. And yes it’s all-natural, they just have amazing genes. It’s like could you be more annoyingly and ridiculously perfect? Fuck you.

Tall, rich, and adorable. Basically perfect. You want to hate them but you just can't. (Yolanda in the middle with Gigi on her left and Bella on her right)

Anyway!! David Foster’s two grown girls from another marriage (he’s got like 12 kids from previous marriages) have their own redundant and short-lived MTV show called Barely Famous, or Barely Legal, some fucking shit I don’t know. MAKE A SHOW ABOUT BELLA AND GIGI, and nix the Beverly Hills franchise all-together. When people are getting too drunk to be on Bravo, you’ve got a problem, mister. I’m pointing a finger at you Andy Cohen. Maybe don’t have so many open bars or staged ‘dinner parties’ it’s like being fired from Guns ‘n Roses for being too drunk. You’re about to sink. You’ve got assets thanks to Yolanda (our hope, our light, our savior in heaven) use them!

Let's see if I can find interesting clips if I did, they're below:

Below two intros the first from 3 the second from season 4, how things have changed. You can literally see Brandi's dark side come out in 30 seconds. 

What is Bravo Trying to Tell Us About Our LifeStyle?

Brandi Glanville joined the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills after 3 seasons and enjoys her time as resident trouble maker, binge-drinker, and wine-thrower. She's the classic Bravo celebrity.

To preface, Jennifer Lawrence is a self-proclaimed reality TV junkie, ergo there's no shame in it. Whatever J-Law does is cool mmmkay? There's no greater cesspool of reality bacteria than that on the Bravo Network. Spearheaded by the indelible Andy Cohen who rescued the network from reruns of 'Inside the Actor's Studio' and the lowest ratings in TV history into the most watched channel across the continental US, Cohen keeps coming out with franchise after franchise, none of which has seen more success than 'The Real Housewives of...'

Now, even a junkie like me has to cherry pick. I have pride. I only religiously tune in to New Jersey, Orange County, and my beloved ladies of Beverly Hills. Out of the ashes of Beverly Hills, when post-menopausal women doing yoga and going to botox parties became less and less interesting, came the irreverent 'Vanderpump Rules'. Let me explain. Lisa Vanderpump is a 'housewife' which is ironic because she's a working woman, and a Beverly Hills transplant from England. Anyway! She has two (now three) restaurants in the greater Los Angeles area. Villa Blanca in Beverly Hills...you know, who cares? the newly opened gay bar Pump (which I heard is abysmal, also being next door to West Hollywood's Abbey Food & Bar, a landmark in the gay community) suffice it to say, it's not getting much business despite the pretentious and overpriced drinks. The third is a bar and lounge that I used to frequent back in my LA days called SUR also in the heart of West Hollywood. It's kind of like Abercrombie & Fitch for drinkers. She only hires young hot actor/model wannabe's filled with righteous indignation, body glitter, and draaaaaama with a capital F. 

This season of 'Vanderpump Rules' saw a goddamn wedding. Backstory: that girl in the ridiculous crop-top wedding dress is Scheana Marie whom we were introduced to in Real Housewives of Bev-Hills because she cheated on the husband of one of the cast members, and now like every girl pushing 35, she decided to settle for some boring nothing. I don't have to tell you anything about him, the picture says it all. 

Juxtaposing these two shows together it's actually quite surprising considering the ladies of 'Vanderpump Rules' seem to have it more together and more of a clear head on their shoulders being in their late 20's early 30's than the parakeets in their 50's of the Real Housewives cast. 

Let's talk marriage. It's very ironic calling the franchise 'Real Housewives of' anything. Most are divorced or going to be, usually for the dumbest reasons, while the ladies of Vanderpump though all aboard the hot mess express on a regular basis at least have their men in check. Example: 'Tequila' Katie from the Vanderpump cast finally sat her slacker boyfriend down and said; 'listen bitch, you have six months to propose to me or I'm moving on'. You go girl. I'm not saying that this is an agist thing. Yes a lot of the housewives look like melted barbies (especially in Orange County) but their god complexes get in the way of actual happiness, this is all considering that optimal happiness for them means more than 5 pairs of Louboutins. 

Kim Richards; the hot mess. Was anyone really surprised that she fell off the wagon and lied about it through an entire season of Real Housewives? Not I. 

Now, on to lifestyle choices. Let's branch out. Bravo seems to be very hypocritical and also a bit exploitive of people's drinking issues. They tend to cast people right on the cusp and push them over the edge. With all of the open bar parties they stage for the cameras, they could be considered one giant enabler. Hell, Andy Cohen will sit down at a reunion show with you or inside his 'clubhouse' and make a margarita in your mouth right after an episode airs which brings up your 'drinking problem'. The last season of the 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' centered around Kim Richards (former child star extraordinaire and general psycho) and the giant question mark regarding her 'sobriety' since she admitted on live television that she had gone to rehab for her alcoholism, and this season it's apparent to everyone with eyes that she's not exactly following through. The last episode was 45 minutes of the six cast members arguing about whether or not the word 'intervention' was actually used in conversation regarding her. Talk about stretching content. And then it comes out that she got wasted at the Beverly Hilton and kicked a cop, were any of us surprised? No. Is Andy Cohen secretly happy because he gets to have a 1 on 1 special with her now? Yes. 

The new show 'Southern Charm' is a bit of a sleeper hit. Small cast, cute city (Charleston), and though the cast like everyone else on Bravo, is loaded, they are very self-aware of that and how obnoxious they can be. Just like on basically every other Bravo show, there is a character whom we can already see going to the dark side. Previews of his intervention are in the works. Now, Andy is not stupid, when someone busts out with their alcoholism, that makes for excellent TV. Though no Emmy in sight for him in the near future. 

The cast of the 2nd season of 'Southern Charm' behind the million dollar smiles and designer dresses, there is drama-a-brewing.

Now that Bravo has decided to (gasp) go scripted with shows like 'Odd Mom Out' and 'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' the well of vodka-soaked divorce-ridden drama has clearly run dry. But I'm sure the great and powerful Andy Cohen still has a couple tricks up his sleeve. And alas, against everyone's better judgement the Real Housewives franchise is still going strong. The first one was 10 years ago if you can believe it, and as long as they keep up the formula of pure schadenfreude they'll be ok. There is always going to be an endless stream of cutaways to people taking copious shots, girls crying, and guys fighting. On that alone, Bravo has built one of the most successful TV empires known to man. As far as guilty pleasures go, it's one of the best. As Cameran (cast member on 'Southern Charm' and the definitive 'voice of reason' of the show) ever so cleverly quipped; All aboard the hot mess express. Toot, toot!

Intros to some of these shows below. Because, why not?

Let Me Explain Housewives Culture to You

Promo still for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 4 reunion. Premiered yesterday.

I hate reality TV, and I mean with an adult pre-occupying hate. There is really nothing likable about it except for the schaudenfreude we all feel after finishing an episode of Couples Therapy or some show where someone's just the personification of the 'hot-mess express', which is basically every show. You look into my iTunes library, and it's seasons of cerebral shows like Sherlock, Mad Men, Downton Abbey, some Lost because you know, of course), and then a plethora; just a cornucopia of different episodes of different incarnations of the Real Housewives franchise. I have two favorites, the others, I really don't pay much attention to, but the 'classy' ladies from Beverly Hills and the nutbags from New Jersey have transfixed me, and I'm an Ivy League graduate. It's beyond a guilty pleasure it's more of a guilty obsession, to where I actually imagine myself on the cast. 

Frenemies Brandi Glanville and Lisa Vanderpump share a laugh on Watch What Happens Live.

Here's the irony, a lot of these women are not even housewives. They are not even wives some of them. Par example; Brandi Glanville a regular 'housewife' on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has been divorced for 6 years. Another member of the cast; Lisa Vanderpump is certainly not what we think of as a housewife considering she's an entrepreneur and a working woman, with 2 high-end restaurants in Los Angeles to constantly manage. But apparently being the equivalent of a homemaker is not the criteria it takes anymore to be cast on this Bravo juggernaut. 

White house gate crashers Michaele Salahi and Tareq Salahi shake hands with President Obama. 

One incarnation of the franchise that I loved was The Real Housewives of DC, which was absolutely brilliant. When it ran for it's one and only season back in 2009-2010, DC was the 'it' city with everyone's fascination tuned into that city's culture. Obama had just become president, and it was a hub of culture and activity. It was like move over San Francisco, Portland, and New Orleans, there's cool shit going on in DC. Bravo was not about to let that pass them by, and decided to move their cameras to DC, and what was cool about those broads was that unlike most other housewives from basically every city that they pick, they actually had class, were 'old money', and spoke articulately, which is something you never expect from a Bravo syndicated show. There was just a tiny bomb on that train which happened to explode all over the network and they found themselves in some serious hot water and that bomb goes by the name Tareq and Michaele Salahi. Remember them? The White House Party crashers? Yeah they were on the show, and Michaele was a bona fied housewife, but believe me, it didn't take for the others long to figure out just how big of a phony she really was and when the gate crashing happened and the two were put on trial, the other housewives had a big laugh watching it together to bask in the glory that was Michaele's demise. Unfortunately, because of that little stunt, Bravo was disallowed from continuing the DC franchise and there were no more seasons filmed there. 

Table flipping, weave-pulling, and general screaming was a staple of the Jersey Housewives franchise. 

The Jersey housewives kill me because there is literally nothing stopping them from bad and tacky behavior. These are not 'ladies', these are Jersey girls, who all married rich and now they get to act like completely despicable morons, but it always comes back to the same thing 'family' a very Jersey notion. And also very ironic because most of them spend their free time which is all their time trying to sabotage one another considering that most of them are related, so I'm not sure how high 'family' actually exists in the totem pole of important things for them. I'd imagine somewhere between Louis Vuitton handbags, and cheap wine. 

A never-ending supply of booze was definitely a housewife unto itself. 

And then there's my favorite girls to see unravel with every blessed episode; The chicks from the hills, Beverly to be exact, so much irony in calling them that since most of them don't even LIVE in Beverly Hills. One lives in Malibu, two in Belaire, and I think one's even in the Valley. They switch up that cast the way a girl switches up her favorite pair of jeans to wear. Lately they've had two additions; British-born Wicca Carlton whom I love, and Puerto-Rican beauty queen Joyce, whom I can't stand...and let's face it, none of us can. Drunky Taylor, who's husband killed himself probably because the show was getting a bit too close for comfort on all of his embezzlements and fraudulent money deals, is off the show (fucking finally) as is heiress, gravely-voiced monster uberbitch, Adrienne Maloof. And that's all well and good, but I love how even in the face of the worst kind of estrogen motivated backstabbing and drunken arguments, they still manage to act like ladies...this includes Brandi by the way. For those not in the know, Brandi came on like a spitball on fire as Adrienne's then Lisa's BFF, who was cheated on by her husband B-movie actor, Eddie Cibrian with his co-star at the time, Leanne Rhymes. She drinks, she cusses, she wears clothes that are far too revealing but keep in mind she's a former model, that's just par for the course. She's kind of like the American Patsy Stone if Patsy Stone was a real person. She's had tiffs with basically everyone else on that show but still somehow manages to come out on top, and not because she's taller than everyone else. I think she's basically the main reason to watch it if you're going to get into it. At the reunion, which premiered its first half yesterday she had no problem telling Joyce that she looks like an Olympic figure skater in her dress, adding to that 'Sochi's calling bitch'. So I guess that's basically why. It's also the same reason women tend to 'hate their friends'...there's even a term for that; remember 'frenemies'? In Julie and Julia (2008) there's this great scene when Julie her husband and her friend are eating and Julie says 'what does it mean when you don't like your friends?' and her friend answers back 'it's totally normal', then her husband tries to add 'men like their friends!' and Julie says 'we're not talking about men, who's talking about men?'. So if you're a woman, you should get into it, the only season running now is The Real Housewives of NYC, which has been a snoozefest since Bethenny Frankel left, so punch those reruns into your iTunes and prepare to laugh your ass off if not find yourself totally relating to some completely inexcusable behavior, because you know what ladies? It's all within us, these broads just have the balls to show it off, in front of cameras. Once a week. On Bravo...in 8 inch Louboutin stilettos. 

RHOBH Season 2 intro, with some old faces, that look like new faces thanks Botox! Damn these girls are smart...no sassy, sassy's the word I'm looking for :P

RHODC intro. They just have the 1. Sorry for inability to find clips Bravo runs a tight ship. 

And finally the new seasons of Jersey intro. You can just smell the animosity.

The Only Good Shows Left On TV

Let's face it. TV has taken serious hits. If I went down the list of every show that sucks out there, this might be a blog worthy of a dissertation but just to name a few; no one cares about Mad Men anymore because the nostalgia has worn off and no one wants to see Don Draper in high-rise bell bottoms when they enter the 70's, Breaking Bad has also lost a ton of momentum considering it's just gotten long and boring and at this point you've taken a knee and tried to run out the clock. In terms of vampires, True Blood has just gotten a bit too much; too much sex, too much blood. It's like Twilight was chopped up into serials...or if there was a third tier daytime soap opera but with vampires. You know my feelings on Girls so let's just save us both time and not go there. And let's not even get started on Reality TV, the juggernaut that is backfiring like crazy right now. At first it was kinda cool and interesting; delving into that curious kitty inside all of us, then it became gratuitous, and now a days, they just make shows about anything until the novelty wears off too, even The Soup isn't funny anymore...I stopped watching ages ago. And basically most of Bravo and the E! Network's shows are tired. They are just scraping the bottom of the barrel with shows that actually have a hashtag in their title (i.e. #Richkids Of Beverly Hills). And after Phil Robertson's incendiary comments on the ridiculously overblown show Duck Dynasty, we can all agree that the well of redneck TV has run dry also. As for situation comedy, there's only one show that is still standing and has the Golden Globe to prove it. So here we go... 

Parks and Recreation, NBC. Still going strong, on its 5th season. It came out of the box so poorly with the first season being basically a throw away and was this close to being cancelled, but with new writers and Amy Poehler's tenacity and comic genius and Ron Swanson as the resident breakout character, this show has plenty more seasons in its future. It never gets dull, repetitive, or boring. It's everything a sitcom should be. 

Hannibal, NBC. This is a really seriously interesting take on the crime thriller TV show genre. It focuses on a detective who has severe mental and emotional trauma and deals with his solving crime cases in a very dark, morose, and existantial way. Not to mention the biggest criminal and focus of the show is based on one of the most infamous characters in pop-culture; Hannibal Lecter, and you would think no one would be able to trump Anthony Hopkins nor should attempt it, but Madds Mikkelson is a blessing sent from the acting heavens and gives new brevity and life to this format, and creates a psychological drama so profound it's terrifying yet beautiful to experience. 

The Vampire Diaries, CW Network. Unlike it's biggest competition; True Blood, it's an actually character driven show with great writers and interesting arcs. They aren't preoccupied with shock value and really nuance every story they are telling no matter how seemingly superficial it seems. It's a winner. 

Downton Abbey, ITV. This show received so much flack for being boring and too 'British', but at the same time it caught America by the balls and hasn't yet let go. Whether it be the Dowager Countess' sarcastic comments or reliving big events we never actually got to live through from the Titanic sinking to the First World War, the characters again, are that which matter the most in this show. Julian Fellows has followed a very important rule of writing, which is consistency. And it has paid off in spades. Without it's success in America and American's fascination with the series, it probably wouldn't have lasted longer than a couple season, but it's on it's 4th and going strong. 

Sherlock, BBC. This is perhaps the best show on television right now, and definitely in the top ten of the decade, easily. Mark Gatiss and Stephen Moffat have reinvented the entire Sir Arthur Conan Doyle cannon and done so brilliantly, appropriating it for modern times. You can see just how much they love the source material considering how true they stay to it. On top of that, they made two genius decision; stretching each episode to an hour and a half so they only have to put out three episodes a season, and casting Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock. There has never been an actor more suited for the role he's playing.

Vanderpump Rules, Bravo. I know what you're thinking, but you know what? This show is exactly what it is; an unapologetic view of some of the most hideous personalities that exist on earth, and it's fascinating. No matter how little reality is actually in this reality series, it is starting to trump it's predecessor; The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, of which this is a spin off. It's low art and low blows. It's silly and addictive, fabulous and nauseating. It's not exactly a breath of fresh air, but it's sticking by the principals of Reality TV and not taking itself seriously. Perfect example: Bravo decided to link the two shows and show the same party first from the perspective of the housewives on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, then from the servers, from Vanderpump Rules, back to back I might add, and the latter was far more interesting, especially Stassi's impressions and Jax's comments. 'It was like a drunk United Nations'...priceless. 

Saturday Night Live, NBC. With the departure of Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis, Seth Meyers, and Kristen Wiig, you would think this show that will seemingly never die would go down the crapper and fast, but with the casting of Kate McKinnon, Cecily Strong, Taran Killam, and most newly Beck Bennett, Saturday Night Live has pumped newer and younger life into its content and is still going strong. Just because some seriously strong and valuable players have retired and Lorne has to now send out the bench warmers, they are proving they can play in the big leagues. And with the digital short concept no longer in play, the new cast members have found new and creative ways to compensate. Also with the female cast almost as close in count with the male, it's no longer the 'boy's club' and they've taken full advantage of that. Can we say 'Girlfriends Talkin' About Guys and Stuff'? 

Clips below:

Lessons We Learned From Vanderpump Rules

(L to R: Jax, Stassi, Katie, Lisa Banderpump (sans Jiggy), Tom, Scheana, and Kristen) 

Officially could be the worst show on television, in constant competition with Toddlers in Tiaras and Couples Therapy, Vanderpump Rules is really a terrible. Like we needed ANY spinoff of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and in its defense, at least the women on that show are older, somewhat more sophisticated, yes they are swimming in money while the rest of us are trudging by struggling inside a recession, but every season there's a whole new set of superficial drama that actually makes it quite fun to watch. But this show has absolutely no redeeming qualities. It follows quite frankly the most spoiled, entitled, materialistic empty shells of human beings without too many brain cells missing that work at Lisa Vanderpump's West Hollywood hotspot SUR.

Now, I've been to SUR on occasion, and taken a few friends there, the only person from the show that I've ever seen actually working there was Tom Sandoval from the cast and that was ONCE. I'm starting to think that these people don't actually work there at all. Or if they do, they are actors pretending to do so. And the funny thing is, Bravo doesn't ever try to cover up that non-reality part of this reality series. All of them have aspirations of being famous in show business, in the dumbest ways if I might add. Whether it's a recording contract to being auto tuned, to being 'not AS famous as Michael Jackson but close' for whatever the fuck, it's clear that these pretty yet dumb-as-hell people aren't there just to serve and pour wine. 

Stassi and Jax, the couple that for some reason are still together even though all they do is fight. 

In the last few episodes, surprise surprise, the drama stems from a dirty little secret coming out about one of the pretty boys cheating on one of the pretty girls, and the way it comes out is the most hilarious of moments I've ever seen on reality TV, or on TV for that matter. Stassi, resident bitch on the show, and Anna Torv doppleganger decides to take the 'staff' to Cabo for her birthday and while drunk and topless in a pool confronts her ex, the selfie-king, Jax about a lie he's been keeping secret regarding another male server cheating on his longtime girlfriend...also a server. Draaaaaaaama. And if this show teaches us anything is that ladies, if you are topless, you can get a man to confess to ANYTHING...seriously anything. If you tell him he's actually a woman, he'll say it back to you with conviction. 

Kristen, in her signature SUR server's dress posing for a promotional still, but when she's a hot mess (always) it's not that pretty. 

Another lesson we learn is that entitled twenty-somethings living in LA playing chicken in the pool while 'average Joe's' as Stassi puts it 'sit behind a desk all day' make really terrible life decisions. Instead of the girl who's being cheated on (Kristen) just walking away with a middle finger out, she decides to stay for the weekend get as drunk as possible, and eventually sleeping with said cheating prick (Tom). And the other girls in the sewing circle get pissed about that, saying she has no self respect. Really girls? Weren't you just on television with your tits hanging out? How much respect are you retaining? 

At this point it's beyond me. It's a hard watch. You might want to be close to the bathroom in case you have to puke the last remainder of dinner out dealing with knowing that these kind of people share breathing space with you, but twenty-somethings will be twenty-somethings...until they hit thirty and then they'll still be twenty somethings...because after all, this is LA and you can stay as young, stupid, and irresponsible forever, and not only will you be rewarded for it, you might even get your own show. Biggest life lesson there, kids. Put down the PhD manual and run over to the Louboutin store because no one cares about your mind when you've got 6-inch stiletto heels and a plunging neckline. Oy to the vey. 

Housewives Recap: Everyone’s an Alcoholic and Paul is a Douchebag

Taylor chatting it up with Yolanda Foster's hubby David Foster about absolutely nothing after hitting the wine glass a couple dozen too many times. As Yolanda said 'there's nothing uglier than a drunk woman' well, let's put it this way 'There's nothing uglier than a drunk Taylor'

Finally caught up on my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because my life had become an empty void, and I gave in, just like Taylor does to a bottle of wine every so often. I was in Real Housewives rehab but I relapsed and bad. And what did I miss? Well here’s the gist. 

We all know Brandi is being sued by Adrienne and her hubby Paul the surgeon, who never stops talking about the fact that he’s a surgeon even though we’ve not once seen him perform surgery this season because he’s too busy playing second banana to his wife’s shoe-line ambitions. Adrianne is worth approximately 100 million dollars according to celebritynetworth.com (as you can see I use my spare time wisely) and Brandi is worth lets say nothing considering she hasn’t had a modeling gig since 1997 and her only income is selling incendiary stories to US Weekly. So basically that’s a shitty move on Adrianne’s part. 

Hypocrisy alert! Kim the former alcoholic, who apparently relapses later in the season, confronts Taylor about HER drinking problem now that she's in a 'better place'....really?

But here’s what’s happening now. For Kim’s new nose, she decided to throw a Kim’s new nose coming out party, it was the most bizarre thing I’d ever seen, but probably par for the course in Beverly Hills. During which, sisters Kim and Kyle which kind of remind me of the two wicked stepsisters from Cinderella get a rather strange phone call from Taylor saying she’s going to Beaver Creek and also implying she has no idea where her young daughter Kennedy (that’s right, that’s what she named her) is. This raises red flags. Then Bravo has the wear-with-all to show us other times that Taylor wasn’t how shall we say ‘aware’ and tipsily yapping about god knows what. Ergo, Taylor’s got a drinky problem, so says Kim the former alcoholic, and by former I mean for 3 months. 

What are you talking about I'm fine...glug glug glug.

So that now makes 2 out of 6, but lets face it, Brandi’s quite the frat girl herself, if you look closely, not that you would because your eyes would burn off from all that shiny, you’ll notice Brandi always has a glass of wine in her hand and tends to be pretty chatty and say things she shouldn’t. Red flag? Um yeah.

And in this day and age where in Beverly Hills it’s easier to get botulism than a driver’s license these girls are still picking alcohol as their main problem? Puleeeease. Get addicted to valium or cocaine like a proper Beverly Hills housewife and stop boring us with your sorority girl moments. 

Adrienne talking emphatically about nothing as usual, and Paul pretending to laugh at his wife's jokes because he loves her....paycheck.

Also, Paul’s being a cunt basically. That’s as much as I have to say about that. If you watch any promo it hints that he and Adrienne are headed for divorce court and all I can say is it’s not going to end well for him. It was mentioned in Season 2 that the two signed a pre-nup so he’ll definitely be taking that depressed divorced man’s condo while she keeps the billion dollar home in the hills, the dogs, and probs the kids so good luck to him, especially with that face of his.

That’s all. Ciao for now!

Housewives Stuff...I Guess

So basically Brandi did the worst thing possible to do or say about someone and alleged that Adrienne had all of her children via surrogate. It was petty mean girl gossip and it was just as incendiary as something like that would be expected to be. It was a cry for attention at best.

Dear readers, I am beyond remorseful that I have not been able to give  you any material for almost an entire month. Unfortunately I have been kept so busy that aside from not having time to write anything, I haven't had time to watch anything to write about. The only thing I allow myself is time to download episodes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (2010 - ) and keep on in the background on my daily commute to work. It is literally all I have been kept current on aside from the news. And even then, not so current. For example, I have not watched the episode from this past Monday, it's still downloading to my computer! But let me pretend I have...Brandi makes excuses for being a seriously low-class bitch, Adrienne keeps saying 'That's sooooooo rude' in her Californians-from-SNL twang and being 'outraged', Lisa has problems at SUR with something or other, the varnish I don't know...Taylor is annoying, Yolanda is boring, Kim and Kyle are not getting along, and dun dun dun FAYE shows up! 

Remember Faye? When she first appeared on RHOBH she was referred to quite ironically by Camille Grammer as 'the morally reprehensible Faye Resnick'. For those of you not in the know, Faye was a close and dear friend of Nicole Brown Simpson and testified against OJ during his trial. Camille initially alleged that Faye was degenerate because she did a spread for Playboy within a few months of the trial's conclusion, as if Camille didn't do any spreading in Playboy herself, but that's old gravy.

Faye looks like the quintessential Beverly Hills housewife, more so than any of the principal cast themselves. With all of the technology that has progressed breast-augmentation to an art form, it makes wonky 90's implants that much easier to spot because they look like someone stuck a coconut bra on a woman and painted it flesh-colored. 

Faye Resnick's Playboy spread, believe me, the black squares are a fucking favor.

Also, she has one of those unfortunate melted-face looks and the weave is not fooling anyone. All of that being said, she's actually not that bad of a person, you just have to see beyond the enhancements. Anyway, I'm not sure what went down, but I'll find out tonight. Frankly, Faye is not that interesting of an addition to the narrative because she brings too much common sense and not enough high-school-type dramarific buzzfeed to the little group within which we are seeing just a few too many cracks of late. 

Also, not sure if I'm on Brandi's side anymore. Not that I'll ever be on Miss Maloof's side either, so for now I'm putting myself on team Lisa. As always, where it's safe and warm and full of pink roses and diamonds. As I type this, I am finishing watching that last episode and guess what all of my predictions are true, fancy that! I find it beyond hilarious how Yolanda is so out of the loop that just to keep her on the show they show her exercising, and get this: talking about how jealous she is of her young daughter because everything on her body is 'tight'. Someone needs to give this bitch a basket of poison apples and a pointy tiara because she's this close to sucking her blood.

So far, I'm not really a fan. They brought in Brandi to be a bombshell in every respect of the word, but instead of blowing people away, her plan is backfiring all over the place. So, um...I guess let's wait until the next episode and hope for the best.