My favorite Music Videos (No Particular Order)

Smashing Pumkins' 'Tonight, Tonight' (dir. Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris), 1996. A very literal nod to the cinematic trend in music videos that had taken over around that time by basically recreating the Melies film; A Voyage to the Moon (1902).

Red Hot Chili Peppers' 'Dani California' (dir. Tony Kaye), 2006. What a tribute to rock 'n roll trends. No snark here.

Miley Cyrus' 'Wrecking Ball' (dir. Terry Richardson), 2013. I had to...don't you dare judge me...I know I can't look at myself in the mirror either...I know Terry's awful...yes I heard about the allegations...yes all of them...No I do not excuse nor condone them...yes this video is shot beautifully.

Fiona Apple's 'Criminal' (dir. Mark Romanek), 1997. She has a wonderful been-dead-for-a-few-days look about her. Romanek later went on to direct One Hour Photo (2004).

The Verve's 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' (dir. Walter A. Stern) 1997. None of this was staged. Lead singer Richard Ashcroft was asked to purposely bump into people as hard as he could.

R.E.M's 'Losing My Religion' (dir. Tarsem Singh), 1991. A great eclectic recreation of Renaissance art, Soviet propaganda posters, and Michael Stipe's indescribable dance moves.

Lauryn Hill's 'Doo Wop (That Thing)' (dir. Big TV!) 1999. I was beyond in love with this song and this video. Can't believe she stopped making music after that.

Justin Timberlake's 'Cry Me a River' (dir. Francis Lawrence), 2002. The ultimate indictment-of-a-cheating-lover public statement ever. And it's so sexy don't we all wish we had a music video like that to our name?

FatBoy Slim's 'Praise You' (dir.  Spike Jonze), 1999. High concept, high art, really really original and hilarious stuff. We all know what Spike Jonze as the delightfully dorky and slightly unhinged filmmaker of such critical darlings as Being John Malkovich (1999), this was a first glimpse into his particular brand of self-effacing humor.

And finally...

Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' (dir. again, Francis Lawrence), 2009. Because most of my friends will have a fit if they don't find this on the list, and quite honestly it's awesome. What can I say? I'm a little monster.

Our Least Important and Most Overdone Spectacle of Celebrity Excrement Happened Last Night

Ahhh the iconic moon man. Or as I like to call it; World's dumbest conception of an award statue

Let's be honest, who watches the VMA's anymore? I mean really. When was the last time you watched The Peoples Choice Awards, or the Teen Choice Awards, or The Tony's, or the SAG Awards...I could keep going. We all know they peaked with Britney writhing around on stage with a ten foot snake draped around her shoulders. Now, that was a moment of TV history. But now that Gaga, Nikki Minaj, and Miley Cyrus have taken over, might as well switch over to and watch Breaking Bad like a damn adult. You've done it, you've outgrown the VMA's and realized that statues of little moonmen and over-the-top scenery just isn't cutting it for you these days. I mean remember when like Nirvana played the VMA's, or Nine Inch Nails, or when Lil' Kim showed up with a half suit and a purple pasty over one of her boobs? Those were moments. I noticed them starting to waver after Gaga dangled half naked from a crystal chandelier with blood dripping down her face. Not all that interesting really. 

The good ol' days.

Also, most of the time, when you're watching them, (especially if you're over 25) you know, don't watch them. But if you are, you are constantly asking yourself the same question 'who the fuck is this?' Some journalist in all of his wisdom once called the award show 'The Oscars for Youth'. You pigfucker. Youth still watch the Oscars thank you very much, and at least we all know who's nominated, and the spectacle is somewhat interesting, and the hosts are usually good (discounting Jon Stewart, he was a bit blah when he hosted, as was Seth MacFarlane). But give me Billy Crystal and his 'Oscar Opening Theme' any day over this over-hyped shitshow. Nothing faintly shocking has happened on that show since drunkface Kanye snatched the moonman from American Sweetheart Taylor Swift. I mean that was hiiiiiilarious. And also made the show quasi-watcheable.

Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus perform summer's biggest rape anthem, 'Blurred Lines'....gross.

No one wants to see Miley and Robin Thicke duet Blurred Lines. Any grown up with half a brain can enjoy the fun beat whilst wondering to him or herself how people are so not catching on to the misogyny and basically rapey lyrics this fun tune encapsulates. And we haven't wanted to see Katy Perry perform since well ever, and she's the one that always wins VMA's. If that tells you anything right there, it's that we shouldn't watch them. Because I don't want to live in a world where Katy Perry is successful. Just read her rider. Seriously read it. I heard that Bruno Mars performed 'Gorilla' and that's actually my favorite song of his new album so that I would have liked to see, but I watched the so called N Sync reunion, and it was barely even a thing. I mean it looks like those guys were just happy to be on stage again while they didn't even have a spotlight on them. It was...sad. 

Nsync reunites. But mostly Justin does a medley of count this, 7 of his songs, so basically they were like stage filler, or his back up dancers how ever you want to see it.

So JT picked up most of the awards (shocker), but Bruno Mars walked away with a couple, and Janelle Monae finally got a moon man, and yet this is all still very underwhelming. I mean I'm yawning as I'm writing this, so basically there you have it. If you're over 25 shame on you for watching, and if you're under 25....shame on you for watching. You shouldn't be watching anything that mentions One Direction, unless you're someone's retarded cousin. Was that too harsh?

Below, some of MY favorite moments from years past to make myself feel better. 

Golden Palmes and Perverts (Cannes 2013)

Last year I wrote about Cannes, I called it Who Will Win the Palme d'Fuck at Cannes this Year? And I thought the prize would be between two of the most non-sexy films in competition that year, Cosmopolis (2012) and On the Road (2012) both featuring Twilight darlings; Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Let’s do this again shall we? With more insight, but aside from the actual awards that mean something, to the French anyway, let’s talk about who’s got the sexiest film at the sexiest film festival this side of an unapologetically obsessed-with-sex country.

Still from Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

Now listen because I’m only going to say this once; BAZ LUHRMANN DOES NOT MAKE SEXY FILMS. For the love of god, if anyone made anything more unsexy he would have cast real life cousins in it. For all of the smoke and mirrors he employs to try to tell stories of love and yearning, lust and tits, I feel nothing below the waste watching his glitzy shitshows. And The Great Gatsby is already feeling like the biggest bastardization of F. Scott Fitzgerald, but above all completely unsexy and unsatisfying. Like that one bad one-night-stand that your friends still don’t let you get over. 

Promo still from Gatsby (vulgar, NOT sexy)

Although I’m excited for films like Soderbergh’s Behind the Candelabra (2013), Alexander Payne’s Nebraska (2013) and Polanski’s LA VÉNUS À LA FOURRURE (2013), I think the two films that will battle it out are going to be sensualist extraordinaire François Ozon’s Jeune et Jolie (2013), and Ethan and Joel Coen’s ode to folk music; Inside Llewyn Davis (2013) starring foreign hotter-than-hot tall, dark, and handsome man slice of heaven Oscar Isaac, co-starring perhaps the most interesting bright young things right now; Justin Timberlake, Garrett Hedlund, and Carey Mulligan. The film also looks pretty dang interesting and wildly sexual considering it takes place during the Beat era where basically anything goes. 

Ozon. Handsome to boot.

But I’m going to give the edge to Ozon.  Not only because he’s a personal favorite of mine, but his films are so incredibly sensual, so detailed in their steaminess, it’s hard to beat when we’re thinking about contemporary sex culture. Also, he’s fucking French. So basically, there ya go.

Still from Juene et Jolie (2013)

 I feel like I’m watching the best high-class porn every time I turn on an Ozon film, because he understands very importantly I might add, that what is NOT SHOWN is more enticing than WHAT IS. This is what make his films such a hallmark of sexuality in cinema, so I’m going to say that though Juene at Jolie (2013) probably won’t win the Palme d’Or, It wins the Palme d’Fuck in my book.

Trailer for Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

French teaser for Juene et Jolie (2013) 

Trailer for another new Ozon film In the House (2013)

Justin Timberlake: Actor, Singer, Dancer, Comedian, Sex God

My friend once told me right after The Social Network (2010) was released that Justin Timberlake was the greatest post-modern actor at this time, and though I didn’t exactly get what he was talking about and how that was true, I totally do now. But there’s another word I would use to describe him; Renaissance man.

He is like an old-timey singer/dancer under contract to MGM. He’s Gene Kelly with looser pants and killer swagger. We knew him as that slightly annoying girly-sounding, awful white-boy fro 1/5 of pop titans ‘N Sync, and now he’s an institution unto himself.

Lorne Michaels caught on to his comedic talents early on when 'N Sync first appeared in a sketch back in 2003 when they played an offshoot of themselves, and when he decided to ditch the back up singers and fly solo, writing from the depths of his heart about his break up with pop princess Britney Spears in the juggernaut song ‘Cry Me a River’, it was cemented; Timberlake had arrived. 

JT in his signature three piece suit on the cover of GQ

He also knew how to utilize style. Considering how influenced he was by hip hop, it would have been ridiculous if he came on stage in baggy pants, a Hilfiger puff jacket and a sideways cap being all ‘yo yo yo, Timberlake in the house!’, not that that’s how all hip hop artists are, I’m just making a point. He trademarked the three-piece suit and fedora dressing like a 30’s gangster and dancing like Fred Astaire, Michael Jackson, and Michael Kidd had a baby. And if you don’t know who Michael Kidd is well then you suck.

With perhaps the most ill-fitting named album ever ‘Future Sex/Love Sounds’ dominating the charts, Lorne Michaels invites Timberlake back to host his own episodes of SNL and last week he became a card carrying member of the 5-times host club, and he’s only 32 people. He found a stellar bromance with repertory player Andy Samberg and together they created some of the most memorable digital shorts of SNL’s entire history. You know them all so it’s redundant to list them one by one.

Justin Timberlake in one of his funniest sketches on SNL, playing Beyonce's back up dancer for her video 'Single Ladies'.

Then what happens? He tackles the only other industry left for him to dominate; the film industry, and boy does he. Yes of course it’s expected of him to be almost effortless in feather light romantic comedies, like an edgier Rock Hudson, but it was when The Social Network came out that we really got to see what he was made of. And one only has to ask, what’s next for JT? The man who can basically do everything? I say he hosts next year’s Academy Awards, or perhaps even gets nominated. He’s slated to star opposite Ben Affleck and Gemma Arterton in Runner Runner (2013) coming out next year, and after that he’s going to play an alcoholic in The Last Drop (2013), perhaps proving to us all that the effeminate soprano from a 90’s fad boy-band has grown leaps and bounds into a pop-culture institution that we can all appreciate. 

As Sean Parker in The Social Network (2010)

PS His new album (released today) is fucking awesome. I guess that was the whole point of this post. 

 PPS, all of his best footage i posted to my Filth Screen facebook page so it's again redundant to give you any more visual pleasure. You can find them here. Filth Screen on Facebook. 

So I'll just leave you with his video for 'Suit and Tie' complete with his Target commercial. Enjoy!