Today, We Toast The Death Of Twilight

Run bitch! Your career is burning down!

 Today is the big day Twi-hard idiots! I hope you are already calling in sick from work to risk potentially being fired so that you can sit in the shitty rainy weather waiting to be the first loser out of all your loser friends to buy a ticket to the mercifully last installment of the adaptation of the shittiest literature ever to happen to the English language!
Here's a big toast to you, your mother's basement, and the end of Kristen Stewart's career! It's been a long time coming, but hey dropping out of college to start your own Team Jacob fan club was totally worth it.

But you know what? The journey continues. Because how will future generations ever know truly how far we've fallen as a species and how poorly we execute creative concepts if you don't live to tell your pod children about it eventually.
Now, understanding that you're probably celibate because of lessons you've picked up from Stephanie Meyer and believe that every guy you ever will meet will have the ability to accidentally fuck you to death, you will eventually proceed with some kind of artificial insemination type deal...or you're just going to end up reading the books to your exotic bird collection. 

In all seriousness though, I wish you the best, but by no means do I think you'll ever achieve it. Your ambition to be a writer like Stephanie Meyer is not going to make you rich because you'll soon realize that we only tolerate that kind of thing once every millennium. So here's my tip for you, every penny you save from your parents still giving you allowance because you still live at home save towards your therapy, because the notion that there is no man out there like Edward Cullen is going to hit you hard believe me. Fill up on the Paxil, because life is going to be really really sad. Anyway, get back to your sparkling apple cider and your weird Mulholland Dr. (2001) type masturbation. It really is the end of a sick and embarrassing era. BTdubs, I'm pretty sure drinking human blood is a felony, last time I checked, just keep that in mind.

Great article (almost too great) about how Twilight would have done better as porn. In 100% agreement. 

The final Twilight movie is like a porn film with action figures

Trailer to the shitshow below. 

Directors Who Date Actresses Way Out of Their League

With the pop-culture bombshell that is Kristen Stewart's affair with her Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) director Rupert Sanders, I've been wondering what is it about a backwards cap and a bullhorn that makes hot young actresses hiccup in their pants. But this is just one instance in a long line of strangely incongruent love affairs between filmmakers and their actresses. There's almost always huge age, height, and general hottness-factor differences, but apparently it's all an Oedipal mentor-like kind of dichotomy. In this case, it was worth giving up regular sex with Robert Pattinson, but this is a pattern in Hollywood that is seriously nothing new and is actually pretty par for the course. Here are some other examples of passionate love affairs in some cases leading to marriage between directors and actresses in their films that are way out of their league.

If you read my blog you know I hate on Kristen Stewart more than I write about Yul Brynner's junk...and that's a feat. But even I'm not above admitting she's one hot cookie. And clearly, way too hot for Rupert Sanders. She was already dating a scruffy, pseudo-hipster, brooding Brit...what the hell did she trade down for?

Yes, Orson Welles was the greatest genius of his and most lifetimes, and his voice was utterly hypnotic. But straight up, Rita Hayworth was potentially the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth...still is, I haven't found anyone to top her yet. So these two get a pass, somewhat. What's really nuts is that he ended up breaking up with her...then dying alone, miserable, unemployable, and drunk...so clearly he made the right choice.

In France, being 'attractive' is a relative term, and I'm sure in his heyday, Jean-Luc Godard was considered a fox...no I'm not, with him, it had to always have been about his originality and talent. But Anna Karina had to have the hindsight to know that it wouldn't work out. How long does it last with a pretentious and cynical French director? The answer is not very.

Milla Jovovich and Luc Besson will never ever...not ever make sense to me. He's so dull. And filmmaking-wise, he's a total one-trick pony. But we all make stupid mistakes when we're 20 right Milla? We just don't marry them.

This has to be my favorite. Otto Preminger and Dorothy Dandridge. He directed her in Carmen Jones (1954) and she fell head over heels in love with the strange, slightly creepy old fart. But turns out she was pretty mentally disturbed and had a losing streak with love so this was just another drop in the bucket.

This is slightly cheating as David O. Selznick was a producer rather than a director but he and Jennifer Jones definitely had a Svengali-like relationship and he advanced, scratch that; made her career basically. Also he ended up divorcing his wife Irene Mayer-Selznick who had basically kept him afloat while he was a young tough with no money trying to make it in Hollywood (her father was the legendary Louis B. Mayer so she was always swimming in it).

In all honesty, I would fall for Ingmar Bergman too. Have you ever seen an interview with him? No one on the planet more morose, suicidal, and death-obsessed, so clearly panty-dropping material, but if I was Liv Ullman, I'd go there. She definitely turned out the better for it. But to be fair, anyone who gets to bed Liv Ullman got the better bargain.

When Ingrid Bergman ran off with Roberto Rossellini and left her husband and young child, it was quite the incendiary story back in 1950. But any woman who can marry arguably one of the 10 best filmmakers of all time and still keep her iconic status as well as relevance in the cinema in her own right knows what she's doing.

I feel like the subtitle to this picture should be French sex-kitten marries king of all dorks Chess pro. But actually it's French sex-kitten marries French filmmaker. Roger Vadim has like the best track record for directing and then marrying hot young ladies...And I'm still not sure why! But none of which were more aesthetically pleasing than Brigitte Bardot. Bravo sir, Bravo!

Roman Polanski always had a way with the ladies...ok that's way wrong to say. Roman Polanski had a few tricks up his sleeve...nope, not that either. Basically there's no way of saying this with class, so I'll just say Roman Polanski is short, has a thick accent, and makes bizarrely haunting films that give everyone who sees them nightmares for the rest of their lives. Emmanuelle Seignier was a 20 year old 6-foot-tall French model (and as we know French models are better looking than your average run-of-the-mill human model). Alas, they have been happily married for 23 years and have two kids to show for it so more power to them. And it's nice that no one makes him stand on phone books in pictures next to her. Also I was just jesting, I love Polanski's films.

This is the classic story of young actress new to the film business auditions for big time director, young actress gets the part, young actress falls in love with big time Hollywood director and vice-versa, young actress marries big time director, takes his name, and gives up her career to be a wife to him and mother of his children. That's why most people have no idea who Christiane Kubrick is. Blink and you'll miss her in Paths of Glory (1957), but her scene is actually quite memorable. I can't imagine being married to Stanley Kubrick was any kind of cake walk, but they made it work so good for them.

Let's bookend this with another scandolous contemporary story and reverse it! Nothing has been more bizarre than the hook up and eventual marriage of filmmaker Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson (now, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, yes he took her last name much like John 'Ono' Lennon whom he played in her film Nowhere Boy) But all creep factors aside...no I'm sorry this relationship is all creep factors to me. Not only is there a 20-year age gap, but he was 17 when they hooked up, and he's impregnated her twice in the last two years. I mean if he ever wants to sew his wild oats and actually finish up an adolecsents which she basically robbed him of, he's going to be in some serious shit because now there are kids involved. I'm sorry but I just can't get on board with those two, no matter how often both of them are screaming into any microphone that will listen that they are genuinely in love. Whatever.

Below are some clips.

New Reasons to Hate Kristen Stewart? Thank You, World!

I can't decide whether to refer to Kristen Stewart as a 'ho' or a 'slut' so I'll just refer to her as a ho-slut.

It finally happened folks. It's everything I've hoped it would be. My house could be on fire and I'd still have a smile on my face because Kristen Stewart beloved skinny bitch of tweens everywhere has done the unspeakable. She put a penis in her mouth that was NOT Robert Pattinson's. I hope she's aware that hell hath no fury like a 12 year-old team Edward Twi-hard. And shit is about to hit some serious fan. She was already pretty seriously loathed by the 12-13 suburbanite delusional girl with brain problems (which is apparently a huge demographic) and also by the likes of me, people in their 20's with lives and responsibilities who still find time in our schedule to feel unbridled hate for her, the reasons of which we are still unsure of.
At this point I'm wondering why people let her outside or let her speak. She's very awkward and says things like 'being a celebrity is like being raped' and then cheats on the #1 masturbation fodder of tweens all over the country, I mean how much more can this girl fuck up? Not only is this a cheating fiasco, Rupert Sanders, her mistress is married with kids, oh and by the by he's about 20 years older than her. I guess it must be her irresistible pasty-ass skin, adorable mumbling, ridiculous fashion sense and overall standoffishness, not to mention those remarkably sexy A-cups. How could any man say 'no'. She also mentioned that her favorite movie of all time is American Beauty (1999) so cleeeeeeeeearly, she's got a good head on those broad shoulders.

The new happy couple; Kristen in an ill-fitting man's suit and married with kids director Rupert Sanders. I don't know about you, but I don't see this working out.  

Basically, bitch needs to close her legs to married men, as soothsayer and master of everything Real Housewife of Atlanta NeNe Leaks would say. Now, let's move on to the real trag-fest of this whole situation; the love-life of Robert Pattinson. I'm sure it couldn't have been too pleasant shoving his vampire dick into a dark and morose cave where bats live, but I have no doubt he'll recover pretty quickly, like there's any shortage of awkwardly adorable early 20-somethings with nipples that look like zits that would me more than willing to take K-Stew's place in Robert Pattinson's Crate and Barrell customized bed. If you are a 90 pound brunette with a general disdain for humanity, step right up and let's start a who's next to date Robert Pattinson sweepstakes. I've compiled a short list. Consider me the Patti Stanger of hipster couples. Sarah Hyland, she's perky and she's age-appropriate. She's also funny at times. Not too smart, but hey neither was your last girlfriend. Noomi Rapace, she's older, but she's also really cool (which I know is important to Robert Pattinson) and she's got an accent. I think Elizabeth Moss is available but she's nowhere near hot enough for you. How about date someone else British and go for Rose Byrne, that's always a safe bet. She has manners, grace, a beautiful rack and she's hotter than fuck. So I think that might be a perfect option for you.

The old happy couple, hot, annoying, and united in their not-caring about anything.

Stewart issued perhaps the least articulate apology I've ever heard that people actually called 'sincere' but to me it sounds like something you hand write in pink pen and put hearts and smiley-faces all over before you pass it on to your crush in middle school. It went like this -
 'This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.'
Kinda short no? I'm not buying it, and Rob if you're listening, don't buy it either. I think if anything, this is going to escalate ratings for the last installment of Breaking Dawn Part II (2012) because everyone (including myself) will be going to watch the unbridled sexual tension and mutual violent hatred the two principals will be feeling for each other and whether they are able to hide it well enough during their already awkward love scenes, maybe it will make them better and you know...sexy. 


Below Breaking Dawn Part II trailer. Who's getting pre-sale tickets? I am!

The Skinny Bitch Appeal

go get 'em, skinny bitch.

You can probably see where I'm going to go with this. As you know, Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) gets released in a couple of days (June 1st to be exact) and the richest woman in Hollywood, that's right, Kristen Stewart stars as the titular character. They've done everything to market this film to us like, oh this ain't your mama's Disney Snow White, we're going to take Bella Swan and put her in some type of medieval knight costume, and give her a loose, hippie, french-braid. It's brilliant, because she's basically shapeless as it is, let's accentuate her face and make her into a lipsticked, pouty, version of Joan of Arc.

Next to her we'll put amazon Charlize Theron who's breaching 40 and still has the body of a supermodel in her early 20's/late teens, and because it's a fantasy, all these tweens coming to see the film are not going to leave with any body issues whatsoever because it's not like the premise is realistic in any way. 

Now sure, this is in the face of such pop-culture icons like Joan Holloway on Mad Men who actually sparked a trend of a whole different kind of body issues entitled 'my tits aren't big enough'. But you have to admit the skinny bitches are winning. Look at tabloid fixture and professional do-nothing Kate Middleton. She's dropped 2 dress sizes since her wedding, and her wedding dress didn't look bigger than a 2 already so that makes her a size zero, and people are praising that saying she looks like a model when all it does is make her brachycephalic leathery pug-face more apparent. Don't forget, she's gotta get pregnant soon, I mean, that's kind of her job, and right now she's looking like she has trouble holding the weight of her own teeth in her head, I don't know how she's planning on holding a growing fetus. 

Voluptuous actress Katherine Heigl gets the all too familiar photoshop treatment for her shoot in Marie Claire, when honestly what exactly is wrong with the original photo? No need to make her look like Malibu Barbie.

And then there's the incredible disappearing Angelina Jolie who looks like she was literally just liberated out of a work camp, showing off her disgusting bony legs at the Oscars like that's acceptable now. Speaking of the Oscars, we have stick figure Michelle Williams 'complaining' that she couldn't put on enough weight to properly resemble Marilyn Monroe so she had to wear padding. You poor unfortunate soul. I know, it's really hard to gain weight. Please go fuck yourself. 

I had no idea Marilyn Monroe suffered from an eating disorder. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

But back to Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) I'm really over this whole androgyny is sexy thing. It is when a man is androgynous (case and point - Jonathan Rhys Meyers) but it just doesn't seem to work the other way around unless you're Tilda Swinton, and you Ms. Stewart are far from being Tilda Swinton, even though we can see that you're really trying with your awful fashion decisions, and excessive shyness. Get an Academy Award nomination under your belt and then we'll talk.

Road Rage: A Persnickety Analysis of: On The Road

 This film screened earlier today in the competition at Cannes, and I for one found it one of the worst things that's ever happened in the world of Cinema, that's ever. John Ford, Orson Welles, and D.W. Griffith should like form a ghostly coalition of the willing and beat Walter Salles to a bloody pulp. If I could punch this film in the face I would do it. But instead, I'm making a corn husk doll of Kristen Stewart and punching that in the face. It's healing some of the wounds.

First thing's first. Do not adapt Kerouac in the 21st century. Why the hell did you wait so long to where it's not even remotely relevant anymore. Who in their right minds could give two fucks about some hipster without a job meandering around, having pretentiously mediocre thoughts about the uselessness of existence whilst drinking and smoking a lot. Because, that's all the film is! I understand that that's what Kerouac wrote about, but it's considered 'unadaptable' for a reason. You can't just do that to your film audience i.e. have nothing happen for two and a half hours whilst people philosophize about said nothing in the voice over. Kerouac is dead folks. Oh and by the way, he died because his liver exploded from drinking so much. 

This brings me to my second point; it's a pet peeve of mine when people are shown CONSTANTLY drinking and doing drugs, but no one ever seems to get high or drunk, it's like I know you're in your early 20's but if you ingest that much Benzedrine and that much Vodka at the same time, I'm dropping your comatose ass off at the emergency room and making a quick getaway.

Neal Cassady on the left with Jack Kerouac on the right, the inspirations behind Dean and Sal in On the Road. Did I mention both died before they were 35? from alcoholism? Oh I did? well doesn't hurt repeating.

Point three. No one in our generation, who's never 'burned burned burned with the fire of a Roman candle' but plays 'Draw Something', talks to Siri like she's an actual person, and blogs blogs blogs all day long gives two fucks about the beat generation. That shit burn burn burned out real fast, and it's not even nostalgic anymore. It's taking us to a place none of us want to be, and around people none of us would be friends with. You're not watching it thinking 'oh these people are really unique and interesting, they have thoughts man, ya dig?' You're sitting there, thinking; 'wow, they are all dirty and useless. Grow up and get a fucking job...and where exactly do they get the money for all this weed?'

'Oh look at me with my silk blouse rocking out to spontaneous jazz medleys. I am soooooo of the period and don't stick out at all'

Point four. Casting. What the fuck were you thinking? Garrett Hedlund as Dean Moriarty? He looks like the moron jock from every 80's movie. Sam Riley as Sal Paradise (who is just an avatar for Kerouac himself) gets a pass. But Kristen fucking Stewart as child bride Marylou? Are. You. Kidding. Me. She stands out like Winona Ryder in a period costume drama, like totally. She's so not 'of that generation' that it makes me infuriated that everyone is taking her seriously just because she does half of the movie naked. I respectfully disagree! This is worse than Keira Knightley pretending to be a Russian intellectual who likes to get spanked in A Dangerous Method (2011). Ya should have made it back in the early 90's when people still gave two shits about Neal Cassady, Jack Karouac, and reading in general, cast Brad Pitt as Dean, Ethan Hawke as Sal, and Juliette Lewis as Marylou. Sidney Lumet should have directed. Side note, that British dude who's Sienna Miller's baby daddy as Carlo Marx? So bad that it went past good and back to bad again.    

Tom Sturrige as Carlo Marx in one of the many ambiguous posters made for the film, caption reads 'we're alive?' harkening back to a question this motherfucker brings up constantly because he's on too much Benzedrine to disassociate reality from sleepy time. So the answer to your question you pretentious fuck is 'yes...but that can change. go buy a gun'.

Also, stop peppering films with big stars that just want to prove that they read Kerouac and are thereby intellectuals like Steve Buscemi and Viggo Mortensen. You guys are established stars you do not need to associate with such garbage. Also, again, why exactly are you naked? 

If you want to walk out of a movie this year and be like 'hmm, I didn't give any fucks the whole time' then this is a film you should see. I kept rolling my eyes so much I think they started making a noise. Bright spot at the end of the dark tunnel lined with human excrement is that the films about beatniks genre might not be violently dead from massive head wounds which I personally inflict on it quite yet. Kill Your Darlings (2013) with Daniel Radcliffe as Allan Ginsburg actually seems pretty promising. I anxiously await for it to cure the cancer that I got watching this.

Basically, this sums it up beautifully:

"Many have speculated that 'On the Road,' Jack Kerouac's seminal beat novel, is unadaptable for the screen, and Walter Salles' game attempt suggests that this may indeed be the case. Despite its pretty cast and sun-ripened colours, the film quickly settles into a tedious looping rhythm of Sal Paradise (Sam Riley) experiencing some kind of beatnik debauchery with co-wanderers Dean Moriarty (Garrett Hedlund) and Marylou (Kristen Stewart), before retiring to a shady corner and scribbling wildly in a notebook. Neither the journey nor the destination seems to matter a jot." — Robbie Collin, The Telegraph

Read the full article here: Cannes 2012 Review of On The Road

Here's another really interesting article called Kerouac retold as 'Bro-Retry'
Every Sentence of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road, Retold for Bros

Which is basically what this film is. It's a dumb-it-down bro-mance road movie. And it's long as fuck. No pun intended.  

I realize that all I'm doing is making you watch it more, so fine. Here's the trailer. I hope you enjoy contemplating murder-suicide for two and a half hours. 

Who Will Win the Palme d'Fuck at Cannes this Year?

As you film buffs are well aware, in just a week the biggest and sparkliest names in show business will descend upon the beautiful resort town in the south of France called Cannes for the most prestigious film festival that exists in history. So basically it's a lot of pretentious Europeans and the Hollywood elite rubbing shoulders, watching a shit ton of movies, and booing Sophia Copolla and Lars Von Trier (which I have no problem with). 

Two of the biggest films in competition this year are David Cronenberg's urban shit-show BDSM violence fantasy Cosmopolis (2012) and sensitive guy socialist Walter Salles' subterranean clusterfuck of disjointed Benzedrine-inspired bullshit On the Road (2012) both based renowned literary opuses, and both starring the principals from Twilight, how fucking appropriate. When you're thinking of adapting Kerouac, the first person that pops in your head should be Kristen Stewart I mean clearly. 

Still from On the Road (2012) be prepared for a lot of nude driving.

Both contain excessive fucking and all other kinds of derogatory behavior, one is surreal, the other nostalgic. One is futuristic, the other, dated. And if you can't tell which is which, then go stand in the corner you dumb bitch. 

Point is, that hey, it's France. Neither of these are going to pick up any Academy Awards for Best Tits, but they might snag an Un Certain Regard or two. Both are big 'risk' movies with explicit material. The Cosmopolis trailer was even slapped with a red band, therefore parents beware, but Frenchies get your binoculars out if you want to catch Robert Pattinson's peen. 

Still from Cosmopolis (2012) be prepared for a lot of nude Robwrt Pattinson shooting and being shot at.

And to assume that a book based on professional drunk Jack Karouac's On The Road would be anything but blatantly explicit is just plain ignorant. Now, I'm not a big fan of either of the books, but I am a fan of Don DeLillo in general (who wrote Cosmopolis, not his best by far) and a way bigger fan of Cronenberg than Salles. To me, if it's competing for who's got the hotter, filthier, more provocative film, it's like the junior varsity sit-ins vs. the starting team on the Lakers. Oh snap, i just made a sports analogy (not even sure if it worked but whateves). It's a no-brainer folks, you're going to make it rain  golden palms on Cosmopolis.

Now none of this is to say that either is going to be a 'good' film in the way that we define 'a good film' in fact, I'm not too excited about either. I'm going to go ahead and say for the record that Abbas Kiarostami is going to walk away with the Palme d'Or or even Sang-soo Hong. 'Oh who?' you ask...go stand in the corner, bitch.

Below trailers for both: 

I Saw Breaking Dawn Part I, and I Liked It.

Goes without saying that I took my dear sweet time in subjecting myself to this film. It was released in November and armed with a pint of my favorite coffee ice cream and glass of wine, I relented yesterday. I felt like I needed to clear my mind before I had to focus on the premier of Mad Men with something relatively mindless, little did I know I would find it freakin' awesome pants.

Here's a brief history of my experience with the Twilight Saga films.

1. Saw the first one by Catherine Hardwicke, loved it, thought it was great as a cult-horror reboot for a new generation. Have it on DVD, and as a VLC file on my computer in case I lose the former. The only other film that I can say that about is Gone with the Wind (1939)

2. New Moon: Saw it when it first came out, matinee at the Lincoln Center. I was that kind of special hung over that you don't want to do anything, but you don't want to be home, so you take a cab 5 blocks that you just don't feel like walking and indulge in something completely awful. I left midway through.

3. Eclipse: I couldn't be bothered.

Jacob Black: No. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to appreciate your last night as a human.
Bella Swan: Well, it's not my last night.
Jacob Black: I thought you?
Bella Swan: I didn't really want to spend my honeymoon writhing in pain.

So that brings us up to date me thinks. Now, I've never bothered to read Stephenie Meyer's opus, though I did pick it up once while at Strand and promptly put it back down and walked away shaking my head, so there's really nothing in it for me that's too particularly serious. I'm just looking at it in terms of cinematic and filth value, and I'm happy to say that I was quite fulfilled with this latest installment.

Both Parts I & II are directed by Bill Condon who understands the value of camp redemption, and does not hold back with the outlandish nature of the story. He makes it more vapid, violent, and cornball. That after all, is the essence of this saga.

For instance, I found it highly amusing and not at all offensive that Bella (Kristen Stewart) has to literally beg Edward (Robert Pattinson) to fuck her, and seems to enjoy the ensuing rough-play that inevitably occurs considering Edward is unable to get excited without breaking something.

I'm not sure if they mean to signify sex as death or sex as rebirth, either way, apparently it's highly painful and yet fabulously sublime. It's definitely other-worldly let's put it that way.

I loved how little finesse was applied to Jacob worrying that Edward would kill Bella with his crazy powerful vampire cock asking her frankly; 'are you stupid? you'll die'. Subtext, sex with me wouldn't be half as painful, although I do shed and slobber, but I'm hypoallergenic.

If camp is categorized by it's 'deliberate ridiculousness' then this film is a camp treasure, and really wonderfully executed. I could have done without all of the silly time-passage montages sent to hipster shuffle picks, but that's about the only complaint I have.

Moving on to Bella's death scene (sorry if I ruined it for you, but if you don't know that that happens eventually then I feel truly sorry for your thick self). She's having a 'demon-baby' one that is quickly sucking the life blood and just regular blood from ailing Bella who develops maternal feeling for the thing and refuses to abort it. The baby (which ends up being a precious cute-as-balls little girl) tears her body apart trying to get out, and Edward finally relents to having to 'change' her. i.e. fiercely biting into her every orifice with his sharpened fangs; the sound effects of which being so over the top it would have been strangely romantic if it weren't so delightfully disgusting.

Twilight drops some science on us. 

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: The fetus isn't compatible with your body. It's too strong. It won't allow you to get the nutrition you need. It's starving you by the hour. I can't stop it and I can't slow it down. At this rate, your heart will give out before you can deliver.
Bella Swan: Then I'll hold on as long as I can and then.

Long story short, it eventually works and as we close in on her newly youthful and glowing face, her eyes open to reveal pupils blood red. She's now no longer loser can't-walk-in-heels, clumsily awkward, lip-biting, hair-playing, eats all the carbs she wants and never gains weight whiny Bella, she's Camp Queen Bella, the Vampire Goddess. Let's cover her in blood and give her lots of clever puns on death in her dialogue. That's my hope for Breaking Dawn Part II.

The highly awaited teaser came out today. Here it is.

Edward and Bella make Vampire Babies for Tweens

I googled Twilight+sex and this is the picture they gave me. Lame.

OK seriously, what is it all about, Twi-hards? I'm actually asking. I'm very interested. Indulge my curiosity and explain why the sight of Edward Cullen with Summer Cranberry shade lipstick on, and massively styled unkempt hair wearing a woman's pea coat and emoting to the camera, breathing heavily, and snarling a lot has you hiccuping in your flowered lacy pink underpants?

Let me be honest, I watched the first Twilight (2008), in fact, I own it. I bought it when I was extremely hung over and feeling depressed along with an extra large order of chicken strips and a side of sour cream in my get-my-mind-off-things weekly package. It wasn't half bad. Sure, the whole time I was wondering who I would have cast instead of the horribly misguided choices Catherine Hardwicke and the nice people at Summit Entertainment and MTV Films made all across the board. But I really came into this whole thing as an objective novice, and now, no offense, I'm thinking about buying a gun. 

So I've been asking myself; am I missing something? Usually I can spot something sexual to write about in the most unlikely of places...example: 'The phallus symbol and castration theory of penguins in Happy Feet: the transgressive non-showing juxtaposed with the Anthony Weiner Scandal. Penguins and Anthony Weiner, you say impossible, I say nay! 

So I'm rather puzzled as to why the incendiary trifecta that is Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner have completely taken over and left everyone in the industry dead and bloody along the way. My only conclusion is that teenagers cannot nor should properly assess the labyrinthine craziness that is their raging hormones and exude it on the most unlikely subjects.

Teenagers have never been the end all be all judge in what is sexually appealing, especially teenage girls. They tend to judge based on a great deal of subconscious inhibitors which are understandable and forgivable, but I could not for the life of me understand exactly how they came to the conclusion that Edward Cullen was a fine piece of ass.

The characters themselves in each and every film grow more and more desperately anti-sexual to where it's laughable to consider that they even had appeal to begin with. There couldn't be less chemistry between those three if they were cartoons in a Tin Tin book. 

Therefore, can it be true? is anti-sexy sexy? Or maybe me being a grown up I require more adult man parts in my characters in order to be physically drawn to them. 

It's easy to see how much the executives at MTV Films desperately tried to make Twilight sexy and it blew up in their face, no pun intended. The aesthetic teetered between the stylized and the ridiculous. Considering before every take the costume designer on the film decided to shine Lautner up with an olive oil spritz, perk his nipples with ice cubes and took major scissors to his jeans.

And Cullen with his sultry lips and intimidating gaze, has about three lines in the whole film but who cares, because towards the end he dramatically rips off his shirt in slow motion like he's a parody fantasy sequence of himself in an SNL sketch. 

And let's not forget Bella with her nervous lip-biting, heavy exhaling, sad a-cups, and constant twitchy awkwardness. Was that ever sexy? I'm serious, even when we were teenagers, I don't think any dudes were jerking it to Debbie Downer. 

Here's what you should have done MTV Films: Henry Cavill as Cullen, Andrew Garfield as Jacob, and Felicity Jones as Bella. Boom! I just saved your franchise. 

But who cares if you're the critic's darling when your movie literally breaks the bank at the box office in every single unnecessary installment you shove down our throats every year? But this time it's different because we finally see them DOING IT! Really? Are you sure it's not going to be contrived and boring with stock sound effects of heavy panting and curtains and sheets flying about in a frenzy as the breeze gently blows the light from the candles just so we miss any graphic genitalia shots? It reminds me of that rule, I think it's from the show Friends, where if two actors are actually sleeping together in real life, then the sex on camera is going to be completely sans heat and intensity. Yeah, that was a given either way.
I think my main reason for being so unduly disappointed is that whilst watching through the first Twilight and half of the second one, I honestly expected it to turn into some kind of fetish classy soft core. It was so cheesy it seemed natural. Larry Flynt, if you're reading I implore you to do a version. I know how much you like to spoof what's hot in the now, and I don't think you'll find better material, who knows, R-Patz might be in to doing it himself. You could get Sasha Grey to do Bella, lure her in from early retirement. You really wouldn't have to re-do much, the film is already ripe for porn parody. I'd buy a ticket to that in a heartbeat. While I'll probably wait for Breaking Dawn parts I & II to come out on Netflix so I can enjoy them with a bottle of wine or six. 
It saddens me really, because the idea of Vampires is instantaneously sexual, it's a cinematic fetish, and to have it watered down and chewed up so clumsily and practically barfed out at an audience is really a shame. A little nuance and a better cast could have gone a long way.

Want to just skip the thing? Then read this hilarious Play-by-Play from Jezebel.

Play by Play of Breaking Dawn Part I

Hello Daddy, Hello Mom...Listen, Could You Raise My Allowance?

Ok, I wasn't coming into this with too  many hopes and dreams (never do when it involves Kristen Stewart) but I have to admit, seeing Dakota Fanning play jail-bate rock goddess Cherie Currie and Michael Shannon in David Bowie make-up was super intriguing. If you are at all surprised that I was disappointed then we can't be friends. Now, I'm not completely in movie-abortion mode, but when material is this juicy, I expect the dramatic interpretation to be so as well, as redundant as that seems. Let's consider who ruined it for me the most, and if you thought anything aside from Kristen Stewart, I would stop reading right now. And here's why. 

'Oh Totally, cat's cradle is the best game ever.' 

Let’s be honest, none of us can stand Kristen Stewart no matter how much silly awkwardness she has to offer society. That whole moody sallow pseudo-goth thing went out with Fiona Apple over a decade ago, and her hipster unabashed ‘oh I hate being so good looking’ demeanor is getting really old. To be fair, no one thought that the most androgynous thing on screen since that little girl in Fatal Attraction would grow up to be a bona fied pouty hottie defying convention with her A-cups and skinny jeans. Even the biggest skeptic like me had to admit she’s made strides in the sex-appeal category since Panic Room (2002), but since then, her general appeal has dwindled down to complete boner-killer status. Her most recent futile attempt in convincing the world that she’s a serious actress was in colossal disappointment ‘The Runaways’ where a an unforgivable decision by the casting agent assigned her to the role of legendary rock goddess, libertine, and general bad ass Joan Jett. I wasn’t buying. They gave her a badly quaffed mullet, a pair of oddly fitting leather pants, and a healthy dose of eye-liner thinking it was enough and Stewart would unleash that mysterious beast within we all hoped she hid well behind her brooding nervousness. Alas, all we got as an audience was a remix of screaming and whining like a Bella Swan on a bad amphetamine come down. I think it’s time for her to understand that she doesn’t have to try so hard to be unappealing, she’s a natural at it.

Jailbate is a fine line, and is something that is referenced ad-nauseaum in the film (I suppose it has to be considering it's the maine theme of the whole story) and is something that if treated delicately (no pun intended) can actually work (Lolita (1964) is a perfect example of this) and yes, you can do the whole actually teenagers playing sexually awakened teenagers, the only time I can think of this being done well is Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet which caused quite a ruckus back in 1969 when Leonard Whiting and Olivia Hussey were 16 and 14 respectively when they played the infamous star-cross'd lovers. It didn't feed into an kind of perversion or pedophilia and wasn't necessarily 'sick', just as The Runaways wasn't because it had superficially sidestepped and approached the very real concept of young girls coming into their sexual own and using that power and prowess as well as aggression to sell records rather than finish high school like most 15 year olds. This is why they are significant, not only in terms of feminism but in rock 'n roll. The band stood with the likes of The Ramones, Queen, and Deep Purple, all when they were not even old enough to drive. Their glam rock inspirations yielded memorable performances fueled by the coyishly sensual but raw lead of Cherie Currie combined with the edgy and violent sexual energy of Joan Jett. 

Alas, Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart play their sexuality like little more than they are, budding tweens at the brink of their sexual discovery, and seem more appropriate in a coming of age melodrama on the Hallmark Network about a girl's first bra. They are little more than kids, and anything but sexual. Dakota tries her best, but Kristen is still doing some kind of punk-rock Bella Swan and reminds me of those girls that work in Hot Topic at the mall who wear pleather Doc Martin lace up boots and body glitter. FAIL.