Blood, Sex, and Jessica Lange: The Beauty of American Horror Story

Scariest nun Meryl Streep in Doubt

I know I’m way late coming into this, but I really only binge watch shows these days because my weekends are loads of fun spent spooning my dog and streaming Netflix. I don’t watch shows one by one on TV like some chump. And since Netflix started streaming American Horror Story, I finally had something beside Lost re-runs or desperately trying to pay attention to the turd waffle that is TURN. I love to be scared ergo I avoided shows like that because I’m thinking; ‘how terrifying could it be, it’s on television?’ turns out VERY. I’m a full on addict and on the third season. Yay! My life is awesome!

I was always intrigued by the series considering it stars so many reputable actors including a number of Oscar winners; Kathy Bates, Jessica Lange, Gabourey Sidibe, Joseph Fiennes, Frances Conroy, I mean how bad could it be if the biggest names in Hollywood are flocking to it like a moth to a flame?

The premise is awesome. Making a show like this, you have to ask yourself, how do we keep this consistently terrifying in a TV format? We’re not Alfred Hitchcock. So here’s what the creators did; every season takes place in a different place and time and under different circumstances recycling the main cast into new roles. It’s bizarre but it totally works. Every season has a subtitle. The first one is ‘Murder House’ which takes place in a heavily haunted house in Los Angeles that an unassuming family moves into.

Don't mess with the Lange. She's a witch.

The second season is subtitled; ‘Asylum’, the third is ‘Coven’, you get the idea. Asylum takes place in the 60’s, while Coven is set in New Orleans, but what’s consistent (perhaps the only consistency) are the actors even though every season they play different characters.

Let’s move on to what we find scary. Me personally? I hate blood and guts, that’s not at all frightening to me, it’s gross more than anything else. I love suspense. Dark corners, unexplained noises, moving shadows…you get the idea. American Horror Story utilizes both. It is not for those with a weak stomach. It’s pretty damn gory. It’s also surprisingly very blatantly sexual. It doesn’t shy away from any extremities. There are severed heads, buckets of blood, naked men, a lot of simulated sex…basically everything that you wouldn’t expect to see on TV.

Another regular on the show is fabulous actress Sarah Paulson. I heard in Freakshow she has two heads. I don't know why or how, I just want to see it damn it. My god, what have I turned into?

Of all the bright spots and innovation of this series, I’ll have to give the gold medal to Jessica Lange on this one. She’s absolutely fabulous and this completely resurrected her career. She’s played a controlling Southern Belle, a lunatic nun, the head of a witches’ coven, and she’s unbelievable. She’s so frightening and enticing at the same time. Having her front and center every season was a very smart move. Also, at this point we know that basically every kind of story has already been told, to the point where we find ‘found footage’ horror movies actually interesting…ugh. Ergo, the show strives to be as outlandish as possible. It’s hard to believe in its campiness but it’s delicious. I’m more titillated than terrified and can watch it with the lights off…as I said my dog is usually there. Dear Netflix, please start streaming the 4^th season; American Horror Story: Freak Show so I can get caught up for the 5^th season. I only have like 2 weeks before it’s premiere and I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with Lady Gaga.

Below, trailer for Hotel...

Below, trailer for Coven, the season I'm currently on and my favorite so far. 

My McConaissance has had a resurgence….Fuck

McConaughottie as Palmer Joss in Contact (1997)

Alright alright alright, I thought we were past this. He won his Oscar for Dallas Buyer’s Club (2014) where he played a skeletal cowboy suffering from AIDS opposite Jared Leto who also won, and to whom I had ALWAYS been attracted. Matthew basically stayed under my radar. He had a Southern twang that just didn’t agree with me, and I was never a fan of True Detective because I don’t fancy myself a pretentious ass who knows more about philosophy than I actually do, also I’m a girl c’mon. Last year, after the Cumberbitch fog had lifted, the McConaissance was in full swing, he not only dominated the headlines for his virtuoso film work, but for his TV work, where he basically plays that same guy we see in every tv show, and did something all actors do to get noticed…they get ugly. For Dallas Buyer’s he lost close to 45 lbs. As Tiny Fey called it ‘or what actresses call being in a movie.’ 

As the completely emaciated Rob Woodruff, a role that won him the Academy Award. Suck on that, Christian Bale.

As for True Detective he gave himself a ridiculous fu-manchu mustache, and a celebutante-inspired messy and loose ponytail. I would have said to go whole hog and grown a mullet and knocked out a couple of his front teeth, but that might have been a bit much. And through it all, every woman in America was getting to throw her panties at the tv and started to pretend she cares about The King in Yellow.

Rustin, the man, the myth, the chain smoker.

So yesterday, Sunday, the day that I don’t move at all except to extend my hand for the remote, SyFy decided to play a cruel joke on me. They decided to air back-to-back blocks of the film Contact (1997), you remember that one serious film McConaughey before he was typecast a slightly goofy stoner with endless barrels of Southern charm? He plays some kind of ‘scientist’ whose title they clearly made up for the film, because there’s no such job in astronomy…I think it’s like a spiritual analyst of extra-terrestrial phenomena...whatever. 

44 and CUUUUUT! Don't ever change, McConaughey.

Anyway, he falls in love with renegade astronomy maverick Jodie Foster who's character just won’t roll over and die damn it, which is I guess a good thing because she starts to pick up a bizarre noise on her ginormous headphones that are linked to about a football field full of giant satellites. But anyway, that’s like the plot and everything, but what’s really worth it about the film is watching a clean-shaven McConaughey play it straight as a PhD astrophysicist. I mean I’ve never seen an actor stretch so much, where else has he done anything remotely like that in his acting career or otherwise. I love how we have to buy him as smart and then just a year later he’s arrested in Texas for playing the bongos naked and stoned. Atta boy. That’s the McConaughey we all know and love. Don’t ever stop being ridiculous Matty. We’re laughing with you not at you, also I sent you massage oil a few weeks ago, did you get it? Because it doesn’t seem like you’ve been using it.

Reviewing Cumberbatch...The Man.

You. Are. Welcome.

We're never short of reviews of Cumberbatch's performances because he's an unbelievably talented actor. He's up for two Shakespeare roles in the next few years; Hamlet and Richard III, both on the British stage, once graced by Sir Laurence Olivier in the same roles. Speaking of which he was recently compared to the late great thespian and that's a fucking feat. Everyone knows he's brilliant as modern-day re-imagined version of the Sherlock Holmes stories in Sherlock as the titular character and he can even take banal action-movie offal like Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013) and make it watchable. With a loyal following of slightly unhinged female fans known as Cumberbitches (of which I am a card carrying member), Benedict seems to be on top of the world. Last seen in the infamous Oscar selfie that Ellen Degeneres took, and rubbing shoulders with Michael Fassbender at the Vanity Fair after party. 

Sexy and they know it. 

You would think the sky's the limit for Benedict, and you'd be right, but turns out you know what? He's not very lucky in love. And he tends to self sabotage, and despite being an unconventional sex symbol he's still painfully awkward around females, and his biggest life goal he has yet to achieve, which is having children, because hey he's almost 37 and time's running out. Now, if these were traits of any regular run of the mill guy, you wouldn't even give him a second date, much less let him buy you dinner, especially when I mention the next rumor floating around the interwebs; that of the small 'baby carrot-like' penis. Seriously look it up, it's out there. If that isn't an enormous crutch (yes, I get the irony of that statement, I'm not stupid). But that's gotta sway on his confidence and perhaps attributes to the fact that he's 'awkward around the female species'. I'm not going to lie and say that the size of the boat doesn't matter at all, in fact, quite the opposite, but you know what? I wouldn't mind a stubby Cumberbatch if he was as intense of a romantic as he claims he is.

Poulet and Cumbernbatch circa 2010...yawwwwwwn.

He also has that whole 'I've slept with only one woman for 12 years' thing going on. When he was a mere student at RADA probably a little on the awkward looking side, he made a relationship out of a friendship with fellow student turned actress Olivia Poulet. She's...homely to say the least but I'm sure back then Cumberbatch wasn't exactly the catch he is today. And they were together literally for 12 years, I mean...that's crazy. 12 years and no ring? (I also get how coincidental that statement is considering Cumberbatch was in 12 Years a Slave (2013) but that's 1. Insulting to the film 2. unintentional. Moving on.

Cumberbatch with some slutty Russian model who's half his age. We all go through that phase. 

After a slew of randomized chicks and internet rumors, Cumberbatch is still more or less alone, and sans children. So seriously ladies (and gents), who's going to donate $1 for my plane ticket to London? I figure if all my readers do, I'll be able to go by next month and give him a mini-Cumberbatch by the beginning of next year. I've got a bag packed and nothing to lose. Hop to it! (Seriously, send me to my destiny).

Just for fun...

Where Are They Now: Hot Guys of Black Hawk Down

When Black Hawk Down (Ridley Scott) was released in 2001 I saw it, count it, 4 times in the theater, that's not counting how many times I saw it after it was released on DVD. I didn't know what the Delta Force was, I didn't even know which part of Africa Somalia was in. But I'll tell you this much, pretty much every singe supporting player (and yeah the main players as well) were super hot and I couldn't get enough. Yeah, it was pornish you could say. They were all in uniform and heroic and all that jazz, and it's just so funny for me to now recognize them in some of the biggest shows/films today, it's like good job growing up, but I discovered your hotness first. I am the main reason for your success and you owe everything to me. Anyway, let's go down the list. 

Nikolaah Coster Waldau as MSG Gary Gordon

The biggest success from Black Hawk Down is obviously Nikolaj Coster-Waldau who stars in basically the biggest show of all time right now; Game of Thrones (which I DON'T watch so I have no idea if he's still on it or not, but he's also in that godawful disappointment of a film Mama (2013) and a bunch of other crap so he's definitely the breakout. And he had maybe 5 lines in Black Hawk Down, but believe your ass I didn't forget about him. I even learned how to pronounce his name properly out of respect. You probably still haven't done so. Get on it.

Tom Hardy as SPC Lance Twombly

Another obvious one is Tom Hardy, yeah he's in Black Hawk Down, for like 10 minutes, but I totally caught him. He was pretty gaunt back then and didn't exactly look like the massive sex-symbol he does now, but I got it, that's right people. Way before Chris Nolas was even writing Inception (2011) I was all over it. 

Charlie Hofheimer as Corporal Jamie Smith

Another one is Charlie Hofheimer. Who actually has a very dramatic death scene, so his role is pretty memorable (he tries to save Tom Hardy and is shot in a critical part of his leg and bleeds out). In case you don't recognize the name, he was a child actor actually who is currently on Mad Men as Peggy's leftist Marxist boyfriend (well ex-boyfriend now) Abe. He's hard to recognize with all that weird facial hair, but I can still dig it. 

Jeremy Piven is in Black Hawk Down and he's making it as a professional douche bag, moving on. 

Orlando Bloom is obviously in Black Hawk Down, in fact I remember it came out the same year as the first installment of Lord of the Rings; The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) and that's why the theater was mysteriously filled with teenage idiots. 

Kim Coates takes the edge off by sketching as Master Sergeant Tim "Griz" Martin

Kim Coates is another one if you blinked, you missed. He dies a pretty gruesome death, and has little over 2 lines, and he's doing really well for himself on the highly underrated show; Sons of Anarchy, because let's face it, he looks like he belongs in a biker gang, which just makes him hotter. 

Get this, Ty Burrell was in the fucking film. Yeah, TV's new favorite dad on Modern Family was in Black Hawk Down too. Bet you didn't catch that one did ya? 

Hugh Dancy in his big scene as Sergeant First Class Kurt "Doc" Schmid.

And let's end with my personal favorite. I saw the film, and there was one scene I played over and over again. It's Charlie Hofheimer's death scene where the medic Kurt Schmidt tries with futility to save the poor soldier. He was played by a little known British actor named Hugh Dancy, which began a renaissance in my loins, and I think after that I rented every fucking film he was ever in, and now he plays opposite Madds Mikkelsen on Hannibal when he's not playing second banana to his wife; Claire Danes...bitch.

Are You Looking Forward to A Place Beyond the Pines? Me Neither

Hey girl...gotta light? I'm a bad boy now if you haven't already heard.

First of all, I think even Ryan Gosling is sick of Ryan Gosling. I mean, I can't look at his face anymore. He's so hot he's gotten not hot. And let's face it, this looks like Drive (2011) and Blue Valentine (2012) had a bastard child. First of all, I heard one critic mention that he thought that Blue Valentine was like a 2-hour acting exercise, and I very well have to agree with that statement, so I wasn't expecting much from this 'action thriller' with indie gritty realism and two really hot guys and a hot chick that was good in that one movie that one time.  

Fine, I'll just say it, I haven't seen it, but I do have a friend at work and we have very similar tastes so I trust him, and he told me it was garbage, and this is coming from a guy who lurves Blue Valentine. Filth wise, I feel that this film is going to be just as disingenuous and gratuitous as the latter of the director's. I found his love scenes in his first film almost grotesquely unsexy, by that I'm not talking on superficial levels. I mean, it wasn't aesthetically choreographed to where you would enjoy it, it was like watching bad porn, and nothing is worse than that experience. That takes a 3 cold shower minimum to wipe away. 

I have a feeling the only good thing about this film is Bradley Cooper because he's pretty brilliant in everything.

So if you're thinking, sophomore slump, you're both right and wrong. First of all, it can't be called a slump if your first effort was a piece of shit, second, I don't think I've heard anyone give it a good review, or at least anyone I know or respect as a bona fied film connoisseur. (I know it was generally well-received on metacritic but honestly when did any of us seriously read any of those). So, of course I am going to be a presumptuous bitch here and recommend without any further knowledge or experience that you not see it and hold out for something better, such as Upstream Color (2013) which comes out this Friday, if you're desperate to fulfill your indie hipster film quota for the month.

Ode to a Super Man

Let's face it, the Brits are totally kicking our ass in the hottness Olympics. In terms of cuisine, insidious imperialism, and relevant music, we've still got it going on, but lately, it's just no contest. You put our hottest export (mmmmmmmMatt Damon?) and put him against their hottest export (probably Henry Cavill) it's no contest. And I'm speaking strictly in the respect that makes women lost their minds rather than anything that actually matters, like acting chops, and philanthropy and other such nonsense.

Now American women already lose their effing minds every time a British man opens his mouth and speaks because it sounds like a million times more sophisticated than anything American men say to us, even if the content of what he's saying is 'I'm going to cut off your mother's head and mount it on my wall'.

Now they've planted Henry firmly into the Hollywood idiom, having him play probably the greatest American Icon of the 20th century, and yes I am all for that shit. Two please, and popcorn. 

Cavill on the set of Man of Steel (2013)

Let me just explain this phenom to you. It's Henry Cavill, who is literally the most beautiful perfect man on celluloid, maybe of all time, I'm not sure. I mean when Leonardo DaVinci was drawing the perfectly symmetrical male, he didn't know it, but he was prophesying that one day, one such messiah would appear in the universe, and you put him in RUBBER, I mean that's a recipe for the end of the world via a billion orgasms occurring at once. I watched The Immortals (2011) this morning in my underpants, eating lasagna in bed, because that's how I like to absorb information, and my Jewish god, it's almost unfathomable. 

ok, awwwwwww.

What first turned me on to Cavill was when I was watching The Tudors (2007 - 2010) almost religiously (don't give me shit, it's a good show people!) where he plays Charles Brandon, 1st Duke of Suffolk, and the king's right hand man and an alpha male in his own right. The entire main plot of the show went right out the window for me, you know all of the wife murdering, and sex, sex, sex, and more wife murdering. I started to watch that show just to see Cavill strut his stuff in Elizabethan collars.

And now the time has come. Lady porn has reached its pinnacle and soon we will all be treated to him as the buff, skin-tight suit wearing, sensitive yet dorky, perky-nippled Superman, and hopefully the world will still be around as the film comes out in 2013. I mean, that's why I continue living. 

Trailer below. It's pretty ambiguous. 

Netflix Review: Freaks and Geeks

The freaks. L to R - Daniel Desario (James Franco) Kim Kelly (Busy Phillips), Ken Miller (Seth Rogen), Lindsay Weir (Linda Cardellini), and Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel)

Only airing 14 episodes, but a true cultural landmark that launched the careers of Jason Segel, James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Judd Apatow, Freaks and Geeks (1999 - 2000) is a pleasure to be savored. Paul Feig wrote the whole series while driving cross-country trying to sell his new film at that point...you know the one called...something or other. Oh how funny life can be because his scribblings soon became a television landmark with a loyal underground following.
It is the first show to utilize high school aged actors playing high schoolers, and also perhaps the first show to reflect the ideology of hat later became the slacker generation, starting way back in 1980. In 1980, disco sucked, 8-track tapes were in every house, and Mark Zuckerberg was 4 years from being born. It was a very different time, and seems further away from our generation than say the 50's. Perhaps that's why the show had such an unimaginably short run, because it was so authentic to its time and atmosphere that it was completely irrelevant to us, the idiots.

The Geeks on Halloween. L - R: Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine), Harris  Stephen Lea Sheppard (Harris Trinsky), Sam Weir (John Francis Daley) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) as the bionic woman.

But let's talk about the almost all-male cast...and Linda Cardellini who hasn't been relevant since (poor girl). It's hard to feel sorry for someone who was the the real life Sarah Marshall; Jason Segel really got ahead on that whole public opinion front, but she was a feisty, sarcastic, plain-ish girl next door. But I never really found her any kind of interesting so, moving on.
John Francis Daley, the pre-pubescent androgynous actor who now has now carved out a nice little niche for himself writing successfully crude comedies like Horrible Bosses (2011) is the most adorable thing in the world and has grown up to be the hottest man this side of too-hot-to-be-straight-shire. He plays Linda Cardellini's brother, Sam Weir (she plays Lindsay Weir btdubs).
The Freaks of the show are composed of James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel, but don't worry they're not freaks in the sense that we see them; as Oxycontin-addicted pseudo-gothic motherfuckers who drive 20-year-old Dodge Darts, and speak in iambic pentameter. They're just some Sabbath-obsessed burnouts who have never gotten an A on anything. They are Lindsay's friends slash love-interests...for the most part. And quite honestly it's hard to cast a 21 year old James Franco in anything where he's not a love interest...I don't care if it's opposite a sofa, that's the part he's going to play.

awkward...

The Geeks are Sam's friends. All freshmen, they painfully make their way through this waking nightmare we call high school in the 80's, or high school in general, as it really hasn't changed much. Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine) and Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr) are the ridiculously geeky individuals that are in everyone's high school. There's the Jewish, too-hairy-for-his-age, over-achieving, chubber who doesn't really understand social norms in an almost autistic way, and then there's the point-of-no-return geek who's always been too tall even as a baby, wears thick rimmed glasses that take up his whole face, and doesn't speak except to express his disdain with any given situation.

Mr. Rosso the guidance counselor, who even though looked exactly like Edgar Winter, you still kind of crushed on.

 It's basically a perfect show, with something or someone everyone can relate to, and what's most devastating about it is it's honestly which is at times both hilarious and cruel. And it's totally original. It's my favorite show of that whole era. Watch the whole first season without stopping, it's kind of hard not to. Also, Both the Freaks and the Geeks remind me of guys that I dated while I was in high school. Every single one of them...Even Stephen Lea Sheppard...yup I went there. And Dave 'Gruber' Allen as Mr. Rosso...yep went there too....no I didn't.

Below, the intro.

Below, the infamous dodgeball scene.

Below, a hilarious scene from the non-alcoholic party episode. It's my favorite.

The Hottest of the US Olympic Swim Team

Let's face it, there's no such thing as an ugly Olympic swimmer. With those crazy Greek statue bodies, and million-dollar smiles, they're irresistible. Yes, they look like sperm swimming up and down their lanes, but when they surface and smack that water like a bitch when they win the 400 meter relay, it's pretty damn hot, because all of their insanely cut muscles flex. Also, I don't mind those tight really, really really low-rise spandex shorts that they have to wear to make themselves more aerodynamic.

With news that Michael Phelps has now, with 20 gold medals, become the world's most successful Olympian of all time, more attention has been focused on the men's Olympic swim team than Ryan Lochte's ridiculous grillz. They are giving horny girls everywhere another reason to chant 'U-S-A! U-S-A!' before excusing themselves to their bedrooms to rub it to a picture of Phelps...from the neck down. They are the rock stars of Olympic sports, and for the sake of degradation of the male population, I've put them in order from hottest to not so hottest, because there's no such thing as an gross man on the US Olympic swim team. I mean, they shave everywhere, ladies. It's like that Louis CK joke about musicians; you would expect at least one of them to be ugly but...fuckin' zero. So because there's 24 of them on the team and only 10 spots on my countdown some of the lovely mermen have been left off, but don't feel bad for them, they'll comfort themselves with gold medals, especially you Phelps. I know you're the greatest Olympian that ever lived, but you didn't make the cutoff. No pun intended. Here we go!

10. Peter Vanderkaay. This Royal-Oak native has that meat-head yet geek thing going for him, where his neck is as thick as his head, but he's slightly on the cock-eyed side. And his smile is simply adorbs. He gets the awww-how-cute vote. He's a jock you want to snuggle.

9. Nathan Adrian. I remember my BFF (you know who you are) railing against Gabby Douglas' nickname being racist (the media calls her 'the flying squirrel') which is nothing compared to what this boy deals with as part of his multicultural heritage. Being half-Chinese apparently his teammates refer to him as 'Bok-Choy' which is highly offensive and ridiculous, but joke's on them, because this boy's genes clearly do him good.

8. Conor Dwyer. At only 23, this guy is a giant. He's 6'5 ya'll...that's two inches away from being declared legally a giant...I think, whateves I don't know. I mean he could pick you up with one hand and then lift you over his head. And then swallow you whole for the protein. Sexy? As hell.

7. Matt Grevers. This one is one of my favorites. You thought Conor was big, this guy's 6'8. I feel like it would hurt my neck to cock it up high enough to make out with him but I'm willing to take the risk, even if it means my being in a neck-brace for a month. BTW, what he's doing in the picture is exactly what I'm talking about...celebrate-flexing. Should that be a sport unto itself? I vote yes. Matt, make out with me!

6. Brendan Hansen. Ladies, doesn't this look like the cover of a romance novel from the mid-90's? What I love the most is he's not this hugely built jock type. He's pretty tone and slender (comparatively) and he's got that awesome, I don't know what to call it, but it's so awesome. As you can see it's becoming hard to form sentences because I'm getting flustered, but it's that thing below a guy's waste, it looks like a fancy 'V' it's just, it's awesome.

5. Ryan Lochte. Alright, here he is. You happy? I know you've been waiting just to find him on the list and here. I put him on the countdown. ok? Let's not deny it, he's dumber than a frat party after 2am, but this list isn't called 'the top ten poet laureates of all time' is it? He's so much fun to watch as long as I don't have to hear him speak...or see his grillz. Just photoshop those out and put him on mute.

4. Ricky Berens. 5 o'clock shadow - check, perfect set of pearly white teeth - check, beautiful head of thick brown hair - check, chestnut eyes that burn into your very soul - check. The end.

3. Anthony Ervin. When I was watching the trials, I already had my eye on this one. He caught my attention immediately. You know I love a guy who's inked up and has a bad-boy swagger but with a sensitive side, and that's basically Ervin in a nutshell. He's older and more seasoned, but just as talented and driven. Also, did I mention he can like a dolphin on steroids?

2. Eric Shanteau. Talk about a baby face on a body built for sin...and gold medals, Shanteau is simply delicious. He's got a beautiful physique coupled with a pair of gorgeous, innocent eyes, I was instantly a fan. Also, it seems like his swim trunks are way tighter than everyone else's. No complaints. He also looks way younger than he is. Seemingly on the younger end of the team, he's actually 28. And I like how he 'hangs out' in the pool more than usual. Just catchin' some chemical bath before the next race, like a boss.

1. Cullen Jones. And the #1 Greek god in a slew of ridiculously super-human looking men is Cullen Jones. Perfection. That's all I have to say. Fast, smooth, silky, tone, dimply, delicate, sensual, seductive, mouth-watery perfection. I have to finish now...no pun intended.

Now, clean yourself up and watch this!