There was a great article after 1989 came out by I think (and pray) Judith Butler or Linda Williams (there goes my academia swag card) that labeled Taylor Swift and her 'squad' a bunch of neo-nazi Barbies. I tried to find it, and if you Google Search 'Taylor Swift Nazi' you get about 2 million results; the most compelling of which is this one. It's not difficult to see why that is. I'm sorry but Taylor has been selling herself as kind of a faux Jill-of-all-trades, twerking in her 'Shake it Off' video, and most recently blatantly ripping off Beyonce's 'Formation' video with 'Look What You Made Me Do'. She's a tall Aryan-AF looking blonde who loves to play the victim; and what do white nationalists do aside from playing the victim all the time.
Taylor's go-to music video director Joseph Kahn tweeted that the 'Look What You Made Me Do' video is not in Beyonce's art space ...I beg to differ.
Perfect example: Kanye the villainous African American man is ruining the 'reputation' of a helpless young white girl. What is this, 'Birth of a Nation'? (The D.W. Griffith version). All you have to do is watch the Viceland documentary on the Charlottesville rally to see why that is. I won't go as far as to say that she's their cultural icon, but she's strange not to denounce the rumors much like Trump. However she has no trouble denouncing rumors about her flimsy and flighty love life...hm. But most of this started when the whole squad became a thing. She surrounded herself with tall blonde girls who looked just like her. It was only when she received criticism for that, that she 'allowed' Zendaya in her clique. Like the whole world is her basic Aryan high school. I think Zendaya is doing just fine without her.
Squad goals?
Cultural appropriation is just as bad as outward racism in my opinion, so let's move on to the greatest 'culture vultures' of our time; Kendall and Kylie just can't help fucking up can they? Let's get this out of the way. They are white girls. Sometimes, I like to see what idiots on social media are getting up to, and it doesn't look any better for either of them. Firstly, the unspeakable and tone-deaf Pepsi commercial that would have ruined anyone's career that Kendall miraculously survived, where some genius thought that to make her the face of the Black Lives Matter movement was a good idea. Then came the T-shirt line. If you don't know, let me catch you up. Kendall and Kylie are so obsessed with their own faces they decided to super-impose them unto T-shirts of album covers by Biggie and Tupac. Are you fucking kidding me? And because they wanted to market it for basic bitches, the gave it a vintage look and charged a hefty 125.00$ price tag for them before quickly removing them from the market.
I'm sure the Muslim community is totally fine with this.
Kendall herself is also getting quite a bit of flack because her IG is chalk full of offensive and insensitive imagery such as her dressed up in a Hijab, to a shirt with a confederate flag on it. Also, lest we forget, she tagged a photo of herself and her sisters with the caption; 'girl power ...sister power' with a fist bump emoji on it. Only problem is that the fist bump color was basically three emojis darker than white, implying she was somehow on board the brazen cultural appropriation train without actually doing anything for the community that she is stealing from. I think my fave response to that bullshit was a girl who told her straight up to stick in her emoji lane.
Tupac always wanted his legacy to be two white girls' initials over his image.
The most recent BS regarding members of Taylor Swift's Aryan squad that's popped up is with supermodel Gigi Hadid. You'd think she gets a pass because she's half Semitic; born to a Dutch mother and a Palestinian father. And yet, she got a shitload of well-deserved flack when she announced that she would be walking in the Victoria Secret fashion show that would be held in Shanghai this year. Now, don't think that because she's not full blood that she doesn't enjoy white privilege. Her entire life was spent in Malibu living with her mother and rich, white stepfather, David Foster. Perhaps you're the biggest asshole when you don't admit that yeah you enjoy the fuck out of white privilege. Anyway, someone managed to dig up an IG video of her at a Chinese restaurant with her sister Bella, who did a weird quasi and really racist Asian bow, as Gigi held up her cookie in the shape of a Buddha face and squinted. That's some ratchet shit right there.
Presented without comment.
Now yeah, these things may seem minimal, but this is how it starts. And with racial tensions at an all time high, I'd be a bit more careful if I was a cultural icon, especially one that children look up to ...for some reason. Ana Navarro? No thanks ...Kendall. They're role models whether they like it or not, and people are just not having anymore of their casual racism. You don't get away with everything just because you're pretty, ladies.
Yes assholes, I have been binging The Bachelorette. It's a show full of sociopaths that I can use as leverage when my friends tell me I should 'date more'. Oh really friends? The Bachelorette, boom. Shut the fuck up. It's a house of idiots competing for the heart of a bigger idiot. It's almost like a brilliant Monty Python sketch. And hey, if Ben Rothlisberger can admit on national TV that he has viewing parties, I can admit it to the bloggerverse. Sometimes I can't get the alcohol out fast enough, and aside from making me slightly suicidal, it's beautifully ridikidonk.
Something that I haven't seen usually on primetime is someone that is so outward with their major major sociopathy that they wear it as a badge of honor...or a sash, whatever. Congratulations Chad, the 'luxury real estate agent' you're Mr. Sociopath of 2016. Here's your bouquet of poison ivy, and your sash stained with the blood of orphans.
Chad's general attitude trying to establish himself as the alpha male. More like alpha tool.
Every time, well not every time, just most of the time when a friend of mine goes through a break up, I bring up something I learned when I was going through a bad break up that a Psych major alerted me to; The Dark Triad. For those of you too lazy to use the hyperlink, it's a trifecta of sociopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism. If you don't know that last term...I'm fascinated that you've made it this far in life. Now obviously it doesn't apply to all men, it's just a nice way of saying 'hey whomever broke up with you is a piece of shit and you deserve better and blah blah blah'. It cushions the blow of a break up, even though most of them don't involve divorce, child custody battles, and go as far as 'what am I to do Vera? We brunch at the same place!'
That's something he said to the women he's competing against 25 other guys for...Urly?
Now, Chad (of course his name is Chad) is a shining example of The Dark Triad, and I've come across my share of complete psychos. He's manipulative, he threatens people, he's two faced, and controlling. And just like a sociopath he was able to pull the wool over Bachelorette Jojo's eyes long enough to stay in the house for about 4 weeks. You have to seriously fuck up as a person to be hated by all other 25 dudes in the house like with a passion.
But with Jojo, his Machiavellianism takes over and he's able to play the lost puppy with a dark past that just wants some love in his life damn it, when he's clearly baby steps away from punching a wall in front of her. Finally someone (I don't know his name, I'm not THAT into the show people) spilled the beans, and she sent him packing.
Yes, give a rose to the serial killer. I fully support this plan.
Here's the thing though, I think he's a straight up serial killer. Instead of just going back home after Jojo told him to peace out, he comes back to the house Patrick Bateman style with like a thousand yard stare knocking ominously on the windows...and then it flashes to 'to be continued' THANKS ABC, you bastards. I want to see blood spilled. You finally made the show interesting, and now you're leaving me hanging? Not cool.
Bravo in all of it's infinite wisdom has realized that its own roster of shows is far too ridiculous, as well as most of the crap that's out there let's just be real. So to cushion the blow that you get from every cliffhanger on Empire or every hair pulling fight on the Real Housewives, it has provided you with the snarkiest TV audience groups that can watch all of it with you, and say out loud what we're all feeling. It's difficult for me to convince my regular three dimensional friends to watch Southern Charm with me...ironically, even if I throw in a drinking game and a quesadilla. I guess my friends just hate fun. I didn't mean that, I love you all, but can we not hike like one day of the weekend? I like to spend my Saturday's horizontal shame-eating slices of Havarti cheese, and ragging on what The Bachelorette is wearing...in my bathrobe. So to Bravo, thank you for manufacturing people that feel the same, and getting so damn meta about your damn self. If you've watched the show, you already have a favorite couch group, but I'll provide you with them and some choice quotes. I love them all, don't ask me to choose.
L to R: Rashawn, Princella, and Lamont. They are hilarious. It's Princella that usually has the over the top reaction, and Lamont always just side-eyes her. He's the best at throwing wife shade.
Amanda and Kenya. Best friends, they finish each others sentences and always are en pointe with heavy criticism. Out of everyone they are the least sarcastic ...they didn't even have much to say during the Eurovision Awards...I mean urly?
Teddy, Ayn and Sue...BFF's. Like literally. You would think they are very proper and prim, but you would not believe what comes out of their mouths. Where did you learn to speak that way young lady?
Blake, Scott, and Emerson. These three friends reminds me basically of my 20's. So. Much. Shade. But in the world's snarkiest way. When Whitney Sudler-Smith, resident douche canoe on Southern Charm called Craig a 'cocksucker' dear Emerson (sincerely confused) quipped: 'Since when was that a bad thing?' I heart them forever.
The Resnicks. The family closest to my heart. Three sisters (no their not Haim) and their dad Joe. The poor man has to deal with so much millenial angst and screaming at the top of their lungs every time any one on Vanderpump Rules makes out...which is quite often.
Julie and Brandy...and their three adorable chihuahuas. They have to be my personal favorite, props to them for saying what I was about to say EVERY DAMN TIME. After watching the limo gimmicks on the new Bachelorette Brandy had no issue with saying that's why the show is great, because it's all sociopaths. You go girl.
Sisters Cathy and Destiny are both certified to make citizens arrest. No idea why that's important but they are the queens of overreactions. And it's awesome.
But the guys vying for her eternal love (because that is something that definitely exists in the reality TV universe) are perhaps the most hilarious bag of strays the producers could find. First, they fling the athletes at her, and by athletes I mean guys who failed to make it to the pros because of a 'troubled past', like that trope isn't getting tired. Then the about 10 or so 'real estate developers'. And then, my favorite part; the freaks. There's a guy dressed as Santa (awesome), A half Chinese half Scottish guy who came in a kilt, which I think is hot considering I spent a year in Scotland, but he immediately gets shade from everyone in the tapered Men's Warehouse suits. My favorite is the 'professional Canadian'. I shit you not, under his name, where your occupation goes the producers chose to write 'Canadian'. Because those are so goddamn rare in the continental United States. It's like a white tiger. The limo gimmicks are the best, I DVR those. This time they were pretty boring. I think one guy threw an internet meme at her that fell flat on its face, and another 'bro' made her drink wine from the bottle...classy.
Usually there's like one or so hot mess the first night that immediately gets eliminated, I mean this isn't Rock of Love: Bus, but it seemed like that first night they were all knocking them back. It was kind of like watching my worst nightmare in HD. You know that one guy at the bar, who's so drunk and full of himself he sounds like Matthew McConaughey with a speech impediment and starts to mansplain your life to you even though he just met you? Yeah it was like 25 clones of THAT GUY, poor Jojo.
Ok now sit on the plexiglass, and try to look as pretentious as possible. Yes, creepy relentless smile, good...also we love that you're into sparkly Taylor Swift dresses from 6 years ago.
Alas, I don't know what she's thinking, based on how she talks I imagine it's just like butterflies and unicorns in her cabeza, so she kept the drunkies, the mansplainers, and the too-boring-to-be-called-anything-but-douche-lords. Why am I throwing so much shade? For all of the ironic fun I get from watching garbage and texting my friends about how garbage the garbage is, this is ultimately what's wrong with the world. It was a fun little reality gimmick, but now it's going on it's like 20th or so season? I mean there's a guy on the show who's 'job' is 'professional Bachelor superfan', I don't know how he's going back to his family without a disguise after this. Yeah, it's fun to watch, just like eating whipped cream with a spoon sounds like a good idea; it's a nice substitute for feeling your feelings. But, I'd rather take a healthy dose of a Bravo show that doesn't take itself so goddamn seriously and makes people believe they'll actually live happily ever after because of the show, because magic exists. At least with the Real Housewives, I can laugh with them and enjoy myself. This is perhaps the ultimate waste of time. It's basically the Taco Bell of reality TV. It looks fine on the outside but for the love of god, don't think too hard about what's inside.
I'm so hesitant to even bring this up because this is too much for even the Reality TV universe and it's trashiest campiest incarnation; The Real Housewives. But being the die-hard fan that I am, I'm gonna. My ladies of Beverly Hills aren't currently airing, and Jersey is on hiatus (Fre Tre!) look it up. So there's nothing left but the OC. The OG of the Real Housewives, and the absolute worst people ever. Still! For those of you not in the know, the OG of the OC is plastic surgery aficionado and general batshit professional yeller Vicki Gunvalson. That show has been on or nearly 9 years, and she's been on every single season. She's beat the matrix. And she's got a new beau (I just watched Coen Brothers stuff). Well, he's pretty old considering how fast these ladies go through husbands, ergo it's ironic to even call them 'housewives', but anyway, this guy is the incomparable Brooks, whom no one likes. And I'm not talking no one on the show...I'm talking no one in this known universe. He's shady AF, and has been exposed for lie after malicious lie, which he loves to pin on the other cast members with his sickening Southern drawl and holier-than-thou smirk.
And now he might have told the biggest one ever, which I can't even say that I believe or don't because I like to avoid lawsuits when possible. The whole season this year revolves around Brook's alleged cancer. A lot of the girls, well basically all of them think it's a pile of steaming hot dog shit. But Vicki is standing by Brooks no matter the fact that all of the evidence points to the contrary.
Some backstory. A big smoking gun was Heather Dubrow. She's married to Terry Dubrow, who even if you don't get plastic surgery on a regular basis, you've heard of. He's the Michelangelo of Beverly Hills (and Orange County for the sake of the show) and is literally the most famous plastic surgeon on the continental United States. Though being married to such, Heather has (for the most part) avoided plastic surgery, but that doesn't mean that being married to a doctor hasn't given her SOME know-how. When Brook's brazenly bragged about the fact that he's not doing chemotherapy and instead opting for really experimental holistic treatment with a doctor, whom she knows personally she stressed to the other housewives and the world that this is a doctor who specializes in cellulite treatment that she had after giving birth. Now, you don't need to have passed the M-CATS to know that if you have cancer, you need to go to a real doctor. And every type has a different specialist. Brooks claims to have Non-Hodgkins lymphoma, a very aggressive and painful cancer that requires very aggressive treatment. Now, maybe Brooks wants to avoid really Walter Whitey type of treatment that will keep him on bed rest and cause his hair to fall out, but will in the end prolong his life and better his health and try basically the horoscope of medical treatment, but even so, every time he comes on screen, he looks like he just got back from a spa. Are you worried about your hair falling out? You barely have any to begin with.
I know that Heather's Joan Crawford eye-brows always look like she's shocked, but even without them, she's always in shock. Oh my!
I honestly can't give more of an opinion than that, well at least publicly, alone at home with a bottle of chardonnay who know's what I say? But I just have to say that it doesn't surprise me that a man known for compulsively almost habitually lying about his past, is lying now. I'm skeptical, let's just leave it at that. Now, if Bravo doesn't confirm one way or another by the end of the season we are all going to be severely pissed. And I have to say, that regardless of how shameless it is to milk a cancer story much like they milked the very real battle that Yolanda Foster (cast member of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) had to face with Lyme disease, it makes for good drama, especially when it's a cad like Brooks, and someone that has such strangely motivated blind faith as Vicki. Shannon ever so cleverly quipped that Vicki is a smart cookie. Which she is. And 'if anyone knows, Vicki knows'.
Even a 30-year-old ditz can google 'non-hodgkins lymphoma'. Yeeesh.
Personally I could care less, it's good TV, can't believe I just said that. But here's the thing, if he is lying, he is going to that very last ring of hell to spend eternity with child molesters, Hitler, and screenwriters who write themselves into scripts. I honestly can't believe what kind of bad juju, karma, whatever you want to call it is going to come back at him. Even if it's not, how is he sleeping at night? Even on Vicki's Egyptian cotton sheets. I can't believe I'm going to say this but I'm with Meghan (the newest and youngest addition to the cast) on this one. She's not too bright, but knows how to utilize google for research much better than Bella in Twilight (though that's not saying much) and it doesn't take an arduous online search to figure out that Brook's story and diagnosis is not adding up with how he's handling it, specifically how he's going about his treatment. As Heather said, why not just show the medical papers and shut everyone up. The truth always comes out. Just can't believe we have to wait until the season finale (airing next week) to see it.
I can't do a definitive list because I don't watch every franchise, but even if I don't like New York, there are still New York housewives on the list. But also because there are so many it would take forever and I have a life, a limited one but a life nonetheless. Now if you're a novice you're going to notice damn fast that there's basically very little difference between how they all look because they are all for the most part menopausal and all have that melted barbie look and are either way too tanned or way too blonde. But if you are a Real Housewives enthusiast, congrats because you're way cooler than all the haters out there, and you'll know exactly the difference is. We are not going on aesthetics alone. We're going on class (of which there is little) general attitude, and a means of carrying oneself. We used to call it femininity, now we call it ready-for-HD. Starting with #20 and going to the hottest. Also, if you watch you probably know who goes at the very top of the list but I still beckon you to read the whole post.
20. Kathy Wakile (Real Housewives of New Jersey)
A lot might be shaking their heads, but this fly-eyed over-tanned almost grandma looking housewife knows how to bake and keep her cool like no one's business. Yeah she uses way too much make up and the face is a bit busted, but we all use 'it's a good salad' when we want to get out of a sticky situation thanks to her.
19. Heather Dubrow (Real Housewives of the OC) The newest addition to the cray cray of the OC, Miss Fancy Pants who's married to the biggest plastic surgeon on that coast is '99% natural' even though she can side-eye someone like no one's business but she is straight up no bullshit. Go ahead try to eat a bow off her cake.
18. Sonja Morgan (Real Housewives of New York). The ladies of New York are more batshit than you would think, but this one seems to rise above the fray which means she probably has the least screaming interactions, then again I don't know much about her. She's not a lot of drama and in Bravo land that means booooooring.
17. Kelly Bensimon. (Real Housewives of New York). From one end of the cray spectrum to the other, perhaps this was all aboard the hot mess express. Whether its crying rivers at reunions or going straight up Exorcist while on vacation, or my personal favorite jogging in the middle of New York traffic. This is like the cray Cindy Crawford.
16. Kandi Burruss (Real Housewives of Atlanta). This firecracker is awesome. She like the other ladies of Atlanta has a strict no bullshit policy, and can look cute as a button not taking shit. I love her.
15. Lisa Rinna (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Pint-sized, big lipped, and having the same haircut for 20 years, can still rock being a full on milf, who is way protective of friends and family and also full of some of the best one-liners in only one season of the show...so far.
14. Taylor Armstrong (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Perhaps this is the best picture of her. Everyone knows Taylor loves to drink and then dissolve into tears, but you know what? If my husband killed himself and left me with nothing but lawsuits I'd probably be drenched in chardonnay as well. This I think as also when she got deathly thin, she's now remarried to her lawyer (of course) and apparently doing better. Fingers crossed. We don't know she was fired off the show...duh.
13. Brandi Glanville (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Lets get this out of the way. She is a goddamn bitch and a trouble maker, but she is crazy hot. The former model stands at 6'2 with the world's longest legs and a body that won't quit we all remember her bikini or lack thereof, and she would rock a burlap sack, if only we could get her to cover up more. But do we really want that?
12. Teresa Giudice (Real Housewives of New Jersey). This Jean Valjean of the Real Housewives universe is currently serving at the halfway mark of her 15 month prison sentence for major major fraud. She basically made the franchise what it is, way back in season 1, travel back in time with me when the Teresa table flip became a thing. Say it with me. You were engaged 19 fucking times!?
11. Cat Ommaney (Real Housewives of DC) This British transplant was married to a white house photographer and had absolutely no filter and seriously a no bullshit policy. But she never raised her voice and always had a glass of wine at the ready whether it was to throw it into someone's face or to drink it while rolling her eyes.
10. Melissa Gorga (Real Housewives of New Jersey). This one is a real moron. Like even by Jersey standards, whether she's totally misunderstanding how to use hyperbole and/or metaphors or advocating marital rape, or making horribly auto-tuned pop songs, she's still a bit of a bombshell, or as she would say a 'knock out' again, mixing metaphors.
9. Kyle Richards (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Kyle is pretty flawless her house-husband was voted the hottest one out of all of the franchises, she's a great mom to 4 beautiful girls, lives in Belaire, drives a Maserati, and has been the long suffering youngest sister of Kathy and Kim (Kim is the hot mess alcoholic, Kathy is Paris and Nicky's mom). Even being surrounded by such Beverly Hills pomp, Kyle maintains her sincerity, and her brunette hair.
8. Dina Manzo (Real Housewives of New Jersey). Perhaps the only blonde in Jersey, she came back after 5 seasons to bring the zen bitches. She's got a natural beauty about her, and its difficult to find that well in any of the housewives. And considering the murky family bloodlines she's from, she came out looking like the champ amongst a bunch of zoo creatures.
7. Camille Grammer. (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Mrs. ex Kelsey Grammer, can you imagine how lucky he was to lang a woman like that, and then leave her for some flight attendant urly? This blonde bombshell might be a little fake around he edges and have done playboy but she has a USC degree and more class than you can shake a stick out. No pre-nup, and he cheated, ergo she won. You will always win Camille.
6. Cynthia Bailey (Real Housewives of Atlanta) Former model/overall ridiculously hot human being Cynthia has chestnut eyes to die for and beautiful ok...eyes lips hair combo. Everything about her. She's got it going on, and she doesn't need Nene's snark because her thighs don't touch.
5. Gretchen Rossi (Real Housewives of the OC) She hasn't been on the show for a while, but while on it she was as close to a living breathing barbie doll as someone is physically capable of getting to. But even without the pounds of make-up and enough hairspray to make its own hole in the o-zone, Gretchen had it going on.
4. Eileen Davidson (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Can you believe this dynamo is in her 50's? I can't. She's a former soap star, Emmy winner, with a hippie disposition, and a great franchise; 'I'm not a bitch but I play one on TV'. And she's straight up a class act. She had wine thrown in her face by a drunk Brandi and she was able to diffuse that shit instead of pull a Teresa so bless her heart, and also excuse the fuck out of her for giving a damn.
3. Kenya Moore (Real Housewives of Atlanta). Straight up, I don't even watch the RHOA, and I know who Kenya Moore is. She's Gone With the Wind fabulous. C'mon! Former pageant queen, her beauty and her attitude make for one hell of a mane-eater incarnation. She's perfection.
2. Yolanda Foster (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). According to Brandi the only housewife that's neer had work done and that's quite the feat, this Dutch bombshell and former model now Master Cleanse enthusiast and the mother of two really hot supermodels, Yolanda is happy to play the harriet housewife to her husband, David Foster, and wear white pants all the live long day. No complaints.
1. Lisa Vanderpump (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Did you really not see this coming? She's what Madonna is to pop music to the Bravo cannon. This boss bitch has everything, also she literally has everything, but she's worked her ass for it, her perfectly shaped ass. She might be one of the oldest housewives but you'd never tell and it's not the botox. She's British, gorgeous, and sassy. She's the mother hen, and the classiest woman of them all. Boss bitch, we salute you...and Giggy.
Gigi (Left) and Bella (Right) Hadid seriously take the best instagrams in the world. Were there Oscars for that they would clean up.
So
Thursday news broke that not only was Kim Richards (Hot Mess Express, lying
alcoholic bitchface) was fired from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but
Brandi Glanville (resident legs-for-days, loud-mouthed, also-kind-of-a-drunk)
would be leaving the Bravo studios with their last paychecks.
Now,
every one is probably all see ya never about the whole thing, but I’m in a bit
of a quagmire. A network that didn’t stop filming this franchise when one of
the house-husbands hangs himself and blames it on the show in his suicide note
is going to fire two ‘troublemakers’ urly? Isn’t that your bread and butter
Bravo?
Kyle finally snapped, granted I can't believe it took her this long, and with surrogate mother, Lisa Vanderpump holding her hand, she told her sister to basically fuck off out of her life, good riddance Kim.
Basically
what you’ve just done was make the show highly boring. I’m sure Season 6 (yes,
that’s how far the Beverly Hills franchise has come) will be a total snooze
fest. I’m glad to have the additions of Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson, because
as former soap opera stars, they know how to bring the drama without being hot
messes, so they are my bastions of hope. Coupled with the mother hen and
definitive foundation of the show, classiest bitch on the planet, and the glue
that holds this shit show together; Lisa Vanderpump, maybe there’s hope.
Kyle,
the long suffering younger sister of Kim who has been taking care of said evil
bitch and her oh so obvious drug and alcohol problems since she was basically a
teenager and has to deal with the guilt that she never had those problems, she
married well and has a beautiful family, and got more in her mother’s will than
Kim did can finally break free from the diamond chains. At the last reunion,
none of us really went in watching liking Kyle too much, because she’s
self-richeous and passive aggressive. But then we saw how Kim
bullied her sister and had probably been doing so for decades we all went team
Kyle especially when she finally cracked, broke into tears and yelled ‘You’re
so fucking mean! Just leave me alone!’ Draaaaaama. Now who are we going to yell
that at? As mentioned before Lisa Vanderpump, her husband Ken, and her
alopecia-inflicted toy Pomeranian Giggy are just too classy to give any fucks
whatsoever.
Let's be honest, at first we thought these two buckets of botox drenched in chardonnay were kind of fun, but now it's like the Witches of Eastwick, I say that because Kim (on the left) starred in that movie, oh the irony.
Here’s
my few cents. The other pillar of the Beverly Hills franchise that entered the
scene in Season 3 was Dutch beauty, former model, hotter than the sun itself,
take no bullshit, Martha Stewart-esque, flower collecting, Master Cleanse
obsessed Yolanda Foster. Quick history. She lives in a Malibu palace, she’s
married to 80-time (no exaggeration) Grammy award winning producer David Foster
and her two oldest daughters are literally the most famous models in the world
right now. Again, no exaggeration. Want that life? Yeah we all do. And she
worked her ass off for it. She hates drunk women, exercises 5 hours a day, and
reminds every member of her family how much she loves them on a daily basis.
She’s the person to model your life after. So anyway, with all that swagger,
she’s still kind of boring because she’s just too perfect, and also she might
reject another season because poor thing has been suffering from Lyme disease
for 3 years now.
The ridiculously gorgeous Yolanda Foster with husband David Foster. You didn't think a woman who looked like that would have amazingly hot spawn?
Her
daughters from her first marriage; Gigi and Bella Hadid are insane, ok? They
are gorgeous. Every time you
drive by a billboard in LA or walk into any boutique in New York, you’ll see
either one of them on foam board. And yes it’s all-natural, they just have
amazing genes. It’s like could you be more annoyingly and ridiculously perfect?
Fuck you.
Tall, rich, and adorable. Basically perfect. You want to hate them but you just can't. (Yolanda in the middle with Gigi on her left and Bella on her right)
Anyway!!
David Foster’s two grown girls from another marriage (he’s got like 12 kids
from previous marriages) have their own redundant and short-lived MTV show
called Barely Famous, or Barely Legal, some fucking shit I don’t
know. MAKE A SHOW ABOUT BELLA AND GIGI, and nix the Beverly Hills franchise all-together.
When people are getting too drunk to be on Bravo, you’ve got a problem, mister.
I’m pointing a finger at you Andy Cohen. Maybe don’t have so many open bars or
staged ‘dinner parties’ it’s like being fired from Guns ‘n Roses for being too
drunk. You’re about to sink. You’ve got assets thanks to Yolanda (our hope, our
light, our savior in heaven) use them!
Let's see if I can find interesting clips if I did, they're below:
Below two intros the first from 3 the second from season 4, how things have changed. You can literally see Brandi's dark side come out in 30 seconds.
One of the many guilty pleasures slated on the Bravo Network is
Real Housewives and Alcoholics of the South…excuse me, Southern Charm. And is it ever a guilty pleasure. Even an Ivy
League grad that is a few steps ahead of you in the life game will tell you
they turn on at least one of the Real Housewives franchise once a week, but no
one will willingly admit to watching Southern
Charm, well guess what…I will.
Bravo very cleverly marketed the first season as not your ‘child
pageant, duck calling, moonshining show’, because that’s what was beyond cash
cowing TV up last year. Also, it became to represent The South to us normal
people above the Mason-Dixon line. They were like; guess what America there’s
culture down there. And culture as defined by Bravo is people with a
six-figurebank account, a pretty
serious penchant for alcohol, and general sluttiness or douche-baggery. So they
found 6 people, and anyone who knows anything about the Reality TV cannon knows
that that’s the magic number of people to follow. Remember Jersey Shore? Otherwise it’s too any people to shower with your
precious attention. This season, they added another character and she was worth
more drama than all of them combined. Here’s how else things have changed for
the privileged class of Charleston, SC.
Season 2 cast. L to R (Craig, Cameran, Landon, Shep, Thomas, Katherine, and Whitney) the only one missing? Jenna. Guess her sugar daddy made her move to New York to pay for all those Louboutins.
Cameran – The designated ‘voice of reason’ slash uberhottie slash
mother hen of the group got married and in her own words was no longer
interesting. Yeah, Cameran I’d like to take it a step further and call you a
full on walking snooze fest. There was some b-roll of you getting wasty-pants
election night, but that’s about it. No one wants to hear how you don’t
actually cook for your husband and buy pre-bought food, unless perhaps I had
just been lobotomized. Then maybe.
The pride of Charleston. L to R A trust fund baby (Shep), a douche canoe (Whitney), and an alcoholic failed lawyer (Craig). Yum.
Shep – The overgrown manchild is still really, really ridiculous.
His logic is so flawed you’d want to kill yourself if he wasn’t so darn cute
and articulate. A self-proclaimed over-educated under-motivated trust fund brat
is still 35 and womanizing, it’s getting sad. But he did buy a house and his
own restaurant, just so his brother wouldn’t one-up him, not because he
actually found interest in anything. Here’s to dying alone, Shep!
Craig – Oy to the vey. Last year Craig was the glimmer of hope,
the one with an actual job (gasp!) not living off a trust fund, working in a
law firm, studying for the bar, though his hissy fits about ‘bro-code’ didn’t
win him any extra points. This season, he was sliding down that success ladder
so fast I’m shocked that he’s not splintered all over. Busting out with a huge
drinking problem, and serious FOMO, Craig told Cameran that ‘girls are his
favorite pursuit’ and even after losing his prestigious job at a reputable law
firm, he still hadn’t bottomed out. VIP status at the best clubs South of Broad
was more important than the Bar Exam.
Senator Thomas Ravenel (aka T-Rav) – The borderline creepy
pedophilic senator with a blemished past (convicted felon to be specific…for
drug trafficking to be even more specific) finally became a father. That 21
year old he was courting through season 1? That’s the baby mama. Oh did I
mention that he was 51? Do you see some red flags? Anywho, chasing a pipe dream
he decided to run against Lindsey Graham for the SC Senate seat. Urly? He came
in at 4% but not before dumping said baby mama on facebook and being slapped
with assault charges by her hairdresser. Accept defeat Senator. When everyone’s
saying that you’re dead it’s time to lie down.
Kinda sad it didn't work out between these two despite the 29 year age gap. As Landon put Katherine's situation. She's a 22 year old unwed mother in Charleston, she has no choice but to try to make it work.
Katherine Dennis – She’s the new edition. Right after stirring up
serious drama in the first season and sleeping with the entire main cast, she
set her sights on Thomas and secured regular status on the show. Shedding that
baby weight as if it melted off of her in a hot shower, and getting rid of that
ridiculous clown hair, the 22 year old new mom proved to be an emerging face of
maturity and grace even though in the end she lost, she actually won…our
respect that is. Sorry, senator.
Landon….something – She’s pretty forgettable and perhaps the most
shrill person on TV ever. After a messy divorce (gasp! No one in Charleston
gets divorced, they weather the storm and eventually end it violently) she
moved back to SC to get moving on her life as a single girl again, but most of
it was lamenting about her married life and how no one in her family will
accept that she chose to walk away, brave but again kinda boring. The shrill
thing didn’t help.
Whitley Sudler-Smith – And finally circling back to the center of
the shrubbery maze is this half a person half the world’s biggest douche-canoe.
Hipster-elitist piece of sweaty dogshit that also serves as exec producer of
the show is only interesting because he shows up every episode with his giant
spoon and stirs the pot. Giving the senator last year so much flack for dating
a 21 year old, Whitney choked on his own medicine dating someone even younger
when he’s not much younger than T-Rav (you confused yet?) His only endearing
quality is his mother, who’s even crazier than him but in a fabulous way. Just
picture Norma Desmond with 8 Hermès
bags and a Southern accent. Patricia, I love you but can you replace your son
on the show? Let’s make it happen.
