New Reasons to Hate Kristen Stewart? Thank You, World!

I can't decide whether to refer to Kristen Stewart as a 'ho' or a 'slut' so I'll just refer to her as a ho-slut.

It finally happened folks. It's everything I've hoped it would be. My house could be on fire and I'd still have a smile on my face because Kristen Stewart beloved skinny bitch of tweens everywhere has done the unspeakable. She put a penis in her mouth that was NOT Robert Pattinson's. I hope she's aware that hell hath no fury like a 12 year-old team Edward Twi-hard. And shit is about to hit some serious fan. She was already pretty seriously loathed by the 12-13 suburbanite delusional girl with brain problems (which is apparently a huge demographic) and also by the likes of me, people in their 20's with lives and responsibilities who still find time in our schedule to feel unbridled hate for her, the reasons of which we are still unsure of.
At this point I'm wondering why people let her outside or let her speak. She's very awkward and says things like 'being a celebrity is like being raped' and then cheats on the #1 masturbation fodder of tweens all over the country, I mean how much more can this girl fuck up? Not only is this a cheating fiasco, Rupert Sanders, her mistress is married with kids, oh and by the by he's about 20 years older than her. I guess it must be her irresistible pasty-ass skin, adorable mumbling, ridiculous fashion sense and overall standoffishness, not to mention those remarkably sexy A-cups. How could any man say 'no'. She also mentioned that her favorite movie of all time is American Beauty (1999) so cleeeeeeeeearly, she's got a good head on those broad shoulders.

The new happy couple; Kristen in an ill-fitting man's suit and married with kids director Rupert Sanders. I don't know about you, but I don't see this working out.  

Basically, bitch needs to close her legs to married men, as soothsayer and master of everything Real Housewife of Atlanta NeNe Leaks would say. Now, let's move on to the real trag-fest of this whole situation; the love-life of Robert Pattinson. I'm sure it couldn't have been too pleasant shoving his vampire dick into a dark and morose cave where bats live, but I have no doubt he'll recover pretty quickly, like there's any shortage of awkwardly adorable early 20-somethings with nipples that look like zits that would me more than willing to take K-Stew's place in Robert Pattinson's Crate and Barrell customized bed. If you are a 90 pound brunette with a general disdain for humanity, step right up and let's start a who's next to date Robert Pattinson sweepstakes. I've compiled a short list. Consider me the Patti Stanger of hipster couples. Sarah Hyland, she's perky and she's age-appropriate. She's also funny at times. Not too smart, but hey neither was your last girlfriend. Noomi Rapace, she's older, but she's also really cool (which I know is important to Robert Pattinson) and she's got an accent. I think Elizabeth Moss is available but she's nowhere near hot enough for you. How about date someone else British and go for Rose Byrne, that's always a safe bet. She has manners, grace, a beautiful rack and she's hotter than fuck. So I think that might be a perfect option for you.

The old happy couple, hot, annoying, and united in their not-caring about anything.

Stewart issued perhaps the least articulate apology I've ever heard that people actually called 'sincere' but to me it sounds like something you hand write in pink pen and put hearts and smiley-faces all over before you pass it on to your crush in middle school. It went like this -
 'This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.'
Kinda short no? I'm not buying it, and Rob if you're listening, don't buy it either. I think if anything, this is going to escalate ratings for the last installment of Breaking Dawn Part II (2012) because everyone (including myself) will be going to watch the unbridled sexual tension and mutual violent hatred the two principals will be feeling for each other and whether they are able to hide it well enough during their already awkward love scenes, maybe it will make them better and you know...sexy. 


Below Breaking Dawn Part II trailer. Who's getting pre-sale tickets? I am!

The Skinny Bitch Appeal

go get 'em, skinny bitch.

You can probably see where I'm going to go with this. As you know, Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) gets released in a couple of days (June 1st to be exact) and the richest woman in Hollywood, that's right, Kristen Stewart stars as the titular character. They've done everything to market this film to us like, oh this ain't your mama's Disney Snow White, we're going to take Bella Swan and put her in some type of medieval knight costume, and give her a loose, hippie, french-braid. It's brilliant, because she's basically shapeless as it is, let's accentuate her face and make her into a lipsticked, pouty, version of Joan of Arc.

Next to her we'll put amazon Charlize Theron who's breaching 40 and still has the body of a supermodel in her early 20's/late teens, and because it's a fantasy, all these tweens coming to see the film are not going to leave with any body issues whatsoever because it's not like the premise is realistic in any way. 

Now sure, this is in the face of such pop-culture icons like Joan Holloway on Mad Men who actually sparked a trend of a whole different kind of body issues entitled 'my tits aren't big enough'. But you have to admit the skinny bitches are winning. Look at tabloid fixture and professional do-nothing Kate Middleton. She's dropped 2 dress sizes since her wedding, and her wedding dress didn't look bigger than a 2 already so that makes her a size zero, and people are praising that saying she looks like a model when all it does is make her brachycephalic leathery pug-face more apparent. Don't forget, she's gotta get pregnant soon, I mean, that's kind of her job, and right now she's looking like she has trouble holding the weight of her own teeth in her head, I don't know how she's planning on holding a growing fetus. 

Voluptuous actress Katherine Heigl gets the all too familiar photoshop treatment for her shoot in Marie Claire, when honestly what exactly is wrong with the original photo? No need to make her look like Malibu Barbie.

And then there's the incredible disappearing Angelina Jolie who looks like she was literally just liberated out of a work camp, showing off her disgusting bony legs at the Oscars like that's acceptable now. Speaking of the Oscars, we have stick figure Michelle Williams 'complaining' that she couldn't put on enough weight to properly resemble Marilyn Monroe so she had to wear padding. You poor unfortunate soul. I know, it's really hard to gain weight. Please go fuck yourself. 

I had no idea Marilyn Monroe suffered from an eating disorder. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

But back to Snow White and the Huntsman (2012) I'm really over this whole androgyny is sexy thing. It is when a man is androgynous (case and point - Jonathan Rhys Meyers) but it just doesn't seem to work the other way around unless you're Tilda Swinton, and you Ms. Stewart are far from being Tilda Swinton, even though we can see that you're really trying with your awful fashion decisions, and excessive shyness. Get an Academy Award nomination under your belt and then we'll talk.