Where Are They Now: Hot Guys of Black Hawk Down

When Black Hawk Down (Ridley Scott) was released in 2001 I saw it, count it, 4 times in the theater, that's not counting how many times I saw it after it was released on DVD. I didn't know what the Delta Force was, I didn't even know which part of Africa Somalia was in. But I'll tell you this much, pretty much every singe supporting player (and yeah the main players as well) were super hot and I couldn't get enough. Yeah, it was pornish you could say. They were all in uniform and heroic and all that jazz, and it's just so funny for me to now recognize them in some of the biggest shows/films today, it's like good job growing up, but I discovered your hotness first. I am the main reason for your success and you owe everything to me. Anyway, let's go down the list. 

Nikolaah Coster Waldau as MSG Gary Gordon

The biggest success from Black Hawk Down is obviously Nikolaj Coster-Waldau who stars in basically the biggest show of all time right now; Game of Thrones (which I DON'T watch so I have no idea if he's still on it or not, but he's also in that godawful disappointment of a film Mama (2013) and a bunch of other crap so he's definitely the breakout. And he had maybe 5 lines in Black Hawk Down, but believe your ass I didn't forget about him. I even learned how to pronounce his name properly out of respect. You probably still haven't done so. Get on it.

Tom Hardy as SPC Lance Twombly

Another obvious one is Tom Hardy, yeah he's in Black Hawk Down, for like 10 minutes, but I totally caught him. He was pretty gaunt back then and didn't exactly look like the massive sex-symbol he does now, but I got it, that's right people. Way before Chris Nolas was even writing Inception (2011) I was all over it. 

Charlie Hofheimer as Corporal Jamie Smith

Another one is Charlie Hofheimer. Who actually has a very dramatic death scene, so his role is pretty memorable (he tries to save Tom Hardy and is shot in a critical part of his leg and bleeds out). In case you don't recognize the name, he was a child actor actually who is currently on Mad Men as Peggy's leftist Marxist boyfriend (well ex-boyfriend now) Abe. He's hard to recognize with all that weird facial hair, but I can still dig it. 

Jeremy Piven is in Black Hawk Down and he's making it as a professional douche bag, moving on. 

Orlando Bloom is obviously in Black Hawk Down, in fact I remember it came out the same year as the first installment of Lord of the Rings; The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) and that's why the theater was mysteriously filled with teenage idiots. 

Kim Coates takes the edge off by sketching as Master Sergeant Tim "Griz" Martin

Kim Coates is another one if you blinked, you missed. He dies a pretty gruesome death, and has little over 2 lines, and he's doing really well for himself on the highly underrated show; Sons of Anarchy, because let's face it, he looks like he belongs in a biker gang, which just makes him hotter. 

Get this, Ty Burrell was in the fucking film. Yeah, TV's new favorite dad on Modern Family was in Black Hawk Down too. Bet you didn't catch that one did ya? 

Hugh Dancy in his big scene as Sergeant First Class Kurt "Doc" Schmid.

And let's end with my personal favorite. I saw the film, and there was one scene I played over and over again. It's Charlie Hofheimer's death scene where the medic Kurt Schmidt tries with futility to save the poor soldier. He was played by a little known British actor named Hugh Dancy, which began a renaissance in my loins, and I think after that I rented every fucking film he was ever in, and now he plays opposite Madds Mikkelsen on Hannibal when he's not playing second banana to his wife; Claire Danes...bitch.

Sons and Daughters of Anarchy

If this show is anything, it's fraught with testosterone, and sometimes the chicks are doling it out more than the dudes. It follows a fictional motorcycle club based of course on some composite of the Hell's Angels. They're called the Sons of Anarchy, men of mayhem, and the plot centers around the 'Redwood Original' wing of the charter in a Hamletesque narrative focusing on the heir apparent Jax Teller (Charlie Hunnam), the matriarch of the club, Teller's mother Gemma (Katey Sagal) and the pretender to the throne Gemma's husband Clay Murrow (Ron Perlman) who is just a little more tough than the rest of his crew.  

He's never shed a tear, hugged a puppy, or said a baby was cute, and his wife knows how to keep up with him. You won't see her at a tea dance handing out cupcakes, and trying on dresses. To be the mamma to her biker boys, she's had to grow a pair of rather large and hairy balls herself. She throws a punch as devastating as Indiana Jones back in his heyday and never shies away from a little confrontation if it means she gets to choke a bitch. She's so tough she could stare down the most hardened member of SAMCRO (the abbreviated term for the Sons) and make him beg for his life on his knees. 

Then we have Dr. Tara Knowles, the doctor girlfriend of Jax played by the incredibly talented and versatile Maggie Siff who slowly takes more and more lessons form Gemma on how to properly inflict pain and intimidate inferiors and get what she wants. Those healing surgeons hands of hers quickly pick up on the art of firing a semi-automatic and the occasional hair-pulling debacle, and she quickly earns the respect of the men not only for that but because she constantly ends up patching them up after they carelessly get shot and can't go to the hospital. 

Then there's the main antagonist through the 2nd and 3rd season, ATF agent June Stahl (Ally Walker) who will stop at nothing to bring down SAMCRO and make the world safe for democracy again...or something like that. At first glance, she looks like she could be Gemma's younger sister, but she goes above and beyond in the masculinity game than any of the other chicks on the show. Where Gemma loves to wear low-cut tops, lipstick, and styles her hair to add to her female aesthetic rather than demeanor, Agent Stahl is a 300 pound WWE wrestler in a 120 pound gangly woman. She's aggressive, crude, intimidating, and inherently macho. She's that bully in high school that everyone feared. 

At times it seems that the 'manly' aspects of Sons of Anarchy are actually represented by the women. Sure there are some femme chicks in the series, but they are used more for set dressing and plot devices more than anything else. If we look at the big three female roles, we see a definitive new-woman emerge. It is that of the woman that wants to stand toe to toe with the men and level the playing field, therefore she has to somehow adapt a lot of male characteristics including behavior, language, and mannerisms, but she gets to keep her aesthetic appeal. They also keep the very essence of their femininity. 

Keep in mind, this is not just a show about the men, though on the surface it seems that way. They definitely approach a lot of serious issues such as rape, abortion, prostitution, and others. But that's not to say that there isn't a level of sexism on the show but it's just as sardonic as it is on a show like Mad Men. I mean, who honestly thinks that a bunch of leather-clad gun-wielding  motorcycle thugs would treat women respectfully and gently all the time? The show introduced us to the term 'sweet butt' which is apparently what a girl is called when she decides to hang around the boys in the club, bringing them shots of Jack Daniels and swabbing their wounds with rubbing alcohol. When she gets officially inducted into the tribe is when she starts getting referred to as 'so and so's old lady', it's an old school practice, and if i've learned anything about motorcycle clubs by watching this show is that they are highly dependent on traditions. Also, that I would rather not watch Ron Perlman have simulated sex with anyone, but you take the good with the bad. 

The show's creator Kurt Sutter (who is married to Katey Sagal) clearly started the premise with the character of Gemma and then worked around her to create the rest of the troop. Her contribution to the Sons has far more impact than anyone else that's 'officially' in the club. In the end, even though the cast is mostly men, and the title connotes a male influence of the premise, the show is clearly more about the women who's struggle to be peacemakers amongst warlords is the most interesting aspect of the narrative. 

The typical woman on the show gets the best of both worlds; The admiration and attraction from the male characters, as well as mutual respect and equality from the same group. The Sons may be a boys-only kind of institution, but these girls have proved that they are just as important if not absolutely vital to the show's visual and representational style. 

Below are some videos for you to enjoy. 

Katey Sagal and husband Kurt Sutter make an appearance on The Soup 

Katey Sagal wins Golden Globe last year for her portrayal of Gemma Teller

A youtube video collage that actually happens to be not bad. 

Top 10: Sexiest TV Programs Currently on the Air (In Order)

1. Hung

This is a brilliant concept with an amazing cast about a frustrated and poor high school coach who decides to become a male prostitute, and who better to play that part than Tom Jane (insert Arrested Development reference here). Sex comedy hasn't been this clever since Ernst Lubitch. And one of my favorite quotes of television history is now 'what can't they fuck me for me?'. 

2. Mad Men
This show will go down in history as perhaps the steamiest and most sensual program on television, ever. And Christina Hendricks accounts for just like 45% of that whole market. 

3. True Blood
This show is swimming in the sex dough and ranked up its fair share of controversy for being just so unapologetically racy.  If finally did combine two of the things we love the most, vampires and bare asses.

4. Boardwalk Empire
If you haven't tuned into this gem yet, you're seriously missing out. It is a no holds barred attitude towards sex or at least how sex was in the 20's approach to television, and its verite style is appreciated.

5. Sons of Anarchy
For the ladies, this definitely feeds into that whole bad boy fetish we all secretly relish in. The two opposing sides of this coin are Rob Perlman (perhaps the funniest looking man we have ever produced as a society) and then Charlie Hunnam, perhaps the hottest blondie that can pull off a flesh colored beard. There's a lot of drinking, motorcycles, and tattoos. It's simply brilliant. 

6. Gossip Girl
This show was no holds barred from the get go. Chuck Bass seemed to have a problem with keeping it in his pants, and Serena's clothes just kept getting more low cut and shorter. It's a show that's always going to be on a list like this from beginning to end.

7. Big Love
What's sexier than polygamists? well a lot...but these aren't your polygamist wives from that compound with the weird braids and the long dresses. Bill Paxton takes on some of the hottest ladies in Hollywood, and their sexual exploits are interesting to say the least.

8. Californication
The name says it all really, and good think Duchovny can stretch as an actor and play a sex-addict. It's steamy, but also hilarious. And that's the perfect combination.

9. Hawaii Five-0
Though this is a sorry adaptation of what was originally a sorry show, it's nice to have Scott Caan and Daniel Day Kim on the same team...investigating girls usually clad in little more than a bikini. 

10. The Closer
Keira Sedgwick is one Mulveyian wet dream. She can run the whole show completely on her own and still have our interest. In terms of premise, it's only so-so, and there's definitely not enough nudity as I would like, but she won me over pretty early on.