No preface, just inspired by the 'I'm That Jew' slam poetry super cut. As OITNB's Cindy said 'It feels good to be chosen'. PS. I omitted iconic members of my tribe like Spielberg, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, Jonah Hill, etc. I just don't have that much time. Pouring out a glass of Manischewitz for my homies...
That Tattoo'd and Can't Be Buried in a Jewish Cemetery Jew...
Adam Levine
The My Mother is Jewish Therefore I'm Jewish Jew...
James Franco
That Really Annoying Giggly Jew...
Natalie Portman
That Hotter Beyond All Reason Jew...
Mila Kunis
That Bad Boy Jew...
Sean Penn
That Original Bad Boy Jew...
Robert Downey Jr.
That Giggles and Ha-Ha's Jew...
Andy Samberg
That Still Funny After All This Time Jew...
David Schwimmer (Pivot!)
That Uber Nerd Jew...
Jesse Eisenberg
That Head of a Reality TV Empire Jew...
Andy Cohen
That All Too Jewish Looking Jew...
Adrien Brody
That Not Jewish Looking At All Jew...
Alicia Silverstone
That Still Hot For Nearly 50 Jew...
Sarah Silverman
That Still Hot and In His 60's Jew...
Jeff Goldblum (Life uh uh...finds a way. And, you're welcome)
That British Jew...
Daniel Radcliffe
That Other British Jew...
Andrew Garfield
That Voice of a Generation Jew...
Amy Schumer
That He Grew Up Nice Jew...
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
That Gone All Too Soon Jew...
Amy Winehouse
That Hot for Four Decades Jew...
Jennifer Connelly
That Soviet Defector Russian Jew...
Sergey Brin (Holla! ...or Challah!)
That OG Hot Jew...
Dustin Hoffman
That Get Your Hands Off Him That's My Husband Jew...
Joaquin Phoenix
That Get Your Hands Off Her That's My Wife Jew...
Rashida Jones
That I Did It All For America Jew...
Evan Lysacek
That No I Will Not Quaf My Jew-Fro Jew...
Slash
That Hug It Out Bitch Jew...
Jeremy Piven
That Somewhat Menacing Jew...
Jake Gylenhaal
That One Jew to Rule Them All Jew...
That Reason For Your Sexual Awakening Jew...
The My Mom Made Me Include Him On This List Jew...
Seth Rogen
That Seth Rogen's Best Friend and Perfect Jew Jew...
You wake up on any given day in the past few weeks and ask yourself, 'Is it too early for me to watch porn?' yes, but it's ok because the Olympics are on. I mean, that's basically porn isn't it? Minus the gymnastics because they are all teenagers and that's just wrong and gross. But hey, I'm not above muting the swim meets and getting just way too excited every time the USA medals, and so not for the reason that you think.
Lochte. #JEAH.
After the cringe-worthy everlasting bullshit clusterfuck mess that was the opening ceremony that we all had to deal with and be reminded of the fact that England makes really funny looking cars, the games officially began, and Jezebel was a buzz with one Ryan Lochte, the swimmer with a merman's fins, face of an angel, and brains like swiss cheese. We were introduced to his ridiculous collection of day-glow kicks, his American flag grillz, and his catchphrase ; 'Jeah', all of which we could do without because we all want Lochte just to do what all the others on his team do; shut up and swim.
I used to be friends with this one girl, no more. And you want to know why? Because we cannot stop being in a hypothetical completely unimaginable scenario argument as to who gets to lay Nathan Adrian when he gets back to the states, talking about it with a bleeding heart preoccupying adult fanaticism as if it's totally going to happen for real. Ergo, Nathan Adrian ruins friendships.
Nathan Adrian in speedo a.k.a. masturbation fodder for most of the American population.
If you're a guy of course you tuned into the beach volleyball match. I mean it's as close to soft-core we get at 8 o'clock in the morning. Muscly girls in tight spandex bikinis grunting like pornstars on steroids lunging for balls, all the while being very hot and sweaty to where their torsos glisten like Edward Cullen in sunlight. Tell me that's not a porn premise.
Hotter than shit US Goal keeper Hope Solo returns for the 2012 games and kicks serious ass all the way to the Gold Medal podium. By the by she made headlines months before by admitting that the Olympic village is one giant constant done to death fuckfest.
But after a painfully long and equally as useless closing ceremony celebrating British fashion (which is of course the first thing I think about when I think Olympics), and reminding us all what rubbish the British national anthem is, and letting me know that Prince Harry got fat, it was all finally mercifully over. US properly kicked ass, medaling head and shoulders above the rest, and Michael Phelps became the most celebrated and decorated Olympian since Larisa Latynina of the Soviet Union over 3 decades ago, and reminding us all that the Vault has no affect on our patriotism. No longer will we be able to sit at home all day not doing anything productive and only salivating every time they show Matt Grevers' biceps, Lolo Jones' abs, or Misty Mae-Treanor's rock hard ass. All we have is new episodes of Breaking Bad, so we can still ogle over Jesse Pinkman but they don't dress him in a comically small thong do they? Also, Breaking Bad makes you think, which is my favorite reason to watch the Olympics; no thinking. I'm going to miss you, see you in 4 years (not two years, because I couldn't care less about anything in the Winter Olympics sans figure skating). Now if you'll excuse me, I have swimming gay fan fiction to write. Damn it, someone beat me to it! (See below)
Let's face it, there's no such thing as an ugly Olympic swimmer. With those crazy Greek statue bodies, and million-dollar smiles, they're irresistible. Yes, they look like sperm swimming up and down their lanes, but when they surface and smack that water like a bitch when they win the 400 meter relay, it's pretty damn hot, because all of their insanely cut muscles flex. Also, I don't mind those tight really, really really low-rise spandex shorts that they have to wear to make themselves more aerodynamic.
With news that Michael Phelps has now, with 20 gold medals, become the world's most successful Olympian of all time, more attention has been focused on the men's Olympic swim team than Ryan Lochte's ridiculous grillz. They are giving horny girls everywhere another reason to chant 'U-S-A! U-S-A!' before excusing themselves to their bedrooms to rub it to a picture of Phelps...from the neck down. They are the rock stars of Olympic sports, and for the sake of degradation of the male population, I've put them in order from hottest to not so hottest, because there's no such thing as an gross man on the US Olympic swim team. I mean, they shave everywhere, ladies. It's like that Louis CK joke about musicians; you would expect at least one of them to be ugly but...fuckin' zero. So because there's 24 of them on the team and only 10 spots on my countdown some of the lovely mermen have been left off, but don't feel bad for them, they'll comfort themselves with gold medals, especially you Phelps. I know you're the greatest Olympian that ever lived, but you didn't make the cutoff. No pun intended. Here we go!
10. Peter Vanderkaay. This Royal-Oak native has that meat-head yet geek thing going for him, where his neck is as thick as his head, but he's slightly on the cock-eyed side. And his smile is simply adorbs. He gets the awww-how-cute vote. He's a jock you want to snuggle.
9. Nathan Adrian. I remember my BFF (you know who you are) railing against Gabby Douglas' nickname being racist (the media calls her 'the flying squirrel') which is nothing compared to what this boy deals with as part of his multicultural heritage. Being half-Chinese apparently his teammates refer to him as 'Bok-Choy' which is highly offensive and ridiculous, but joke's on them, because this boy's genes clearly do him good.
8. Conor Dwyer. At only 23, this guy is a giant. He's 6'5 ya'll...that's two inches away from being declared legally a giant...I think, whateves I don't know. I mean he could pick you up with one hand and then lift you over his head. And then swallow you whole for the protein. Sexy? As hell.
7. Matt Grevers. This one is one of my favorites. You thought Conor was big, this guy's 6'8. I feel like it would hurt my neck to cock it up high enough to make out with him but I'm willing to take the risk, even if it means my being in a neck-brace for a month. BTW, what he's doing in the picture is exactly what I'm talking about...celebrate-flexing. Should that be a sport unto itself? I vote yes. Matt, make out with me!
6. Brendan Hansen. Ladies, doesn't this look like the cover of a romance novel from the mid-90's? What I love the most is he's not this hugely built jock type. He's pretty tone and slender (comparatively) and he's got that awesome, I don't know what to call it, but it's so awesome. As you can see it's becoming hard to form sentences because I'm getting flustered, but it's that thing below a guy's waste, it looks like a fancy 'V' it's just, it's awesome.
5. Ryan Lochte. Alright, here he is. You happy? I know you've been waiting just to find him on the list and here. I put him on the countdown. ok? Let's not deny it, he's dumber than a frat party after 2am, but this list isn't called 'the top ten poet laureates of all time' is it? He's so much fun to watch as long as I don't have to hear him speak...or see his grillz. Just photoshop those out and put him on mute.
4. Ricky Berens. 5 o'clock shadow - check, perfect set of pearly white teeth - check, beautiful head of thick brown hair - check, chestnut eyes that burn into your very soul - check. The end.
3. Anthony Ervin. When I was watching the trials, I already had my eye on this one. He caught my attention immediately. You know I love a guy who's inked up and has a bad-boy swagger but with a sensitive side, and that's basically Ervin in a nutshell. He's older and more seasoned, but just as talented and driven. Also, did I mention he can like a dolphin on steroids?
2. Eric Shanteau. Talk about a baby face on a body built for sin...and gold medals, Shanteau is simply delicious. He's got a beautiful physique coupled with a pair of gorgeous, innocent eyes, I was instantly a fan. Also, it seems like his swim trunks are way tighter than everyone else's. No complaints. He also looks way younger than he is. Seemingly on the younger end of the team, he's actually 28. And I like how he 'hangs out' in the pool more than usual. Just catchin' some chemical bath before the next race, like a boss.
1. Cullen Jones. And the #1 Greek god in a slew of ridiculously super-human looking men is Cullen Jones. Perfection. That's all I have to say. Fast, smooth, silky, tone, dimply, delicate, sensual, seductive, mouth-watery perfection. I have to finish now...no pun intended.
